(Can’t wait to see the Google search hits after this post!)

With the advent of the internet, we have all sorts of information at our fingertips. Weather, news, e-mail, chat, movie times, research, porn. Wait, did I just say porn? Yes, porn. Because, as we all know, the internet is for porn.

(For those who aren’t daring, I’ll let you know that link is a song from Avenue Q, no worries of porn. For those hoping I was linking to porn – shame on you, this is a mommy blog.)

I’m amazed at the amount of porn available, though. It has to be the largest amount of content on the internet. Even innocent searches in Google can lead to porn: searching for my site brings up several “naughty mommy stories” that I don’t even want to investigate.

Now, this isn’t a post debating if porn is OK or not. I’m going to come right out and say that in my opinion, it’s OK. I know that Aaron looks at porn, and I’m generally OK with that. Hell, sometimes when I’m not up for anything, I’d rather he look at porn than bug me. I’ve even looked at porn before, and probably will again in the future.

I’d guess that porn is viewed in many married households, by one or both partners. Maybe even together. I think most porn is harmless – I’m not going to equate reading erotica with cheating. But some porn elements border on “not OK”. My question is, where is the line drawn?

There’s the very harmless nearly-porn category. This includes semi-nude pictures you’d find in Maxim, Stuff, and the Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs. You can find this nearly anywhere, and there are no “You must be 18 to view this content” buttons to click past.

Next is erotica. No pictures, just stories about sex. To me, this is pretty harmless as well. There is no human element to contend with – the characters are fiction, there are no pictures to match faces to names, and no other people to interact with. As long as the stories don’t involve teenagers (which, since having a daughter, has thoroughly creeped me out), I’m generally OK with erotica.

Nude pictures and video are another step up. There is now a human element – someone has posed for those pictures, or engaged in sex to make the video. Is this OK? To me, it’s still OK. After all, we’ve both viewed porn videos together, and I’m sure he has on his own. Also, I’ll admit that I totally understand why men want to look at naked women: women are just beautiful to look at. The curve of the breasts and hips, the overall softness of the body – it’s far more appealing to view than a naked man. (Sorry guys, it’s true.) And, of course, only consenting adults are OK with us – child pornography or taping someone against their will is just plain wrong. And illegal.

The place where I draw the line is real-time human connection. There are a ton of free and pay webcams out there, where people are willing to do just about anything on them for an audience. There’s also a large community of live web chat – virtual sex. While these are perfectly OK for anyone single, I think these types of porn can be the muddy waters that can land a married person into big trouble. When you’re actually connecting with someone else on the internet for the purposes of turning each other on, you’re forming a relationship with that other person. To me, that’s starting to border on cheating.

Luckily, Aaron and I agree on what’s OK and what’s not, and I don’t see it ever becoming an issue. We know what is safe fantasy, and what’s not.

What about all of you? What are your limits on porn? Where do you draw the line, both for yourself and your partner? I know porn is a sensitive, heated topic for many (and I’m not touching the joke I just thought of after typing that), so I hope we can discuss it without judging anyone else’s responses.

After all, the internet is for porn.

Did you ever notice that fingers and nostrils grow at the same pace? No matter how young, a child can always fit a finger in a nostril.

However, it’s not as easy when it’s an adult finger trying to get a booger out of a toddler nose. All day long I’ve been plagued by a stubborn booger in Cordy’s right nostril. It’s just far enough in that I can’t get it, yet far enough out to taunt me anytime I look at her. It’s driving me mad. I can see it, anyone who looks at her can see it, yet I can’t get it out.

I’m a little obsessive about boogers when I can see them. I don’t want my child walking around looking like no one has the time to keep her nose clean. But in these situations, the boogers stay just out of reach. I can hear the little crusty yellow devils laughing at me.

Trying to teach Cordy to blow her nose has been a failure so far. She just doesn’t get it, and I don’t blame her. She has no idea why I want her to blow air out her nose.

So how do you get a stubborn booger out of a toddler nose?

There’s the ol’ snot sucker: the bulb syringe that every child leaves the hospital with. While it has proved very useful at sucking out wet snot, it’s not as good at dry snot. Not to mention that Cordelia isn’t as compliant as she used to be when it comes to having her nose vacuumed out.

There’s the adult fingernail. Problem is, I have none. As I have mentioned before, my nails are painfully short, and I haven’t made any progress at growing them. Somehow, snot picking is not a good enough motivator for me to grow my nails.

I’ve also tried corners of tissues, twisted into a thin cord to fish out the offending booger. No luck. The tissue doesn’t have the strength.

I think it’s time to invent a new booger catcher.

It needs to be at least soft plastic or rubber, so it doesn’t hurt tender nasal passages. While I’ve considered tweezers before, the hard metal is not something I want to use on a struggling toddler. And toothpicks are right out. Soft plastic would be best.

It should be small enough to fit into a toddler’s nose, but not so small as to go further than it should. I don’t want something that could double as a tool used by Egyptians in mummification or by doctors for sinus surgery.

Finally, it needs a curved hook on the end. Kind of like a cross between a crochet needle and a soup ladle. Only with gentle curves, again, to not hurt the soft tissue in the nose.

If I could make or buy something like that to scoop out defiant boogers, my life would be so much easier. I’d push to have it on the “must-have” baby item lists for new parents.

So, if anyone out there is a baby product marketer – I’ve got a great new product for you! I guarantee it’ll be a best-seller, and none of your competitors will have anything like it!

Gee, wouldn’t that be something to be known for? The inventor of the booger catcher. Eh, who am I kidding? I’d be proud to be known for it!

OK, who’s first in line to get one? Anyone?

This morning:

Me: Cordy, are you ever gonna call me mom, mommy or mama?

Cordy: Noooo

(As an aside, she has only said the word “no” about three times ever. Four if you count the “noooo” she gave Aaron later this morning when he asked her, “Can I have a hug?”)

It won’t be long until she’ll be saying, “OK, lady, I love you! Bye-bye!”

I don’t get it. Isn’t “mama” one of the first words a kid says? She’s got “dadeeeee!” down and uses it often. But I have no name to her. I’m the lady who she shoves her sippy cup at for a drink.

At this point, I wouldn’t even care if she called me “lady”. Am I not deserving of some kind of title from her? Do I not rank up there with “Dadeeee”? The cats have their name (Kiiii!), and she’s even spoken her first non-relative name (Dave – the significant other of my friend and Cordy’s babysitter Lisa). When do I get my label announcing my importance to her?

While sitting here typing, I just asked her, “Cordy, who am I?” and pointed to myself. She responded by laughing at me, then handed me her sippy cup.

Sigh.

Edited to add: I was just reading Sweet Juniper, and Cordy pointed to the picture of Juniper and said “BAbeee!” Damn. Now people on the internet are getting names from her before me.

My friend Kristi is in the student teaching phase of getting her degree in Music Education. She’s teaching at a middle school in a well-to-do school district near Cincinnati. She describes it as an “upper-middle-class” area.

Recently, her 7th and 8th grade classes had to write papers on Mozart. They should at least be decent papers, right? Well, many were, but Kristi found some interesting sentences in some of the papers she was grading.

This is not some floating around the internet list of crazy things students have written. These are actual sentences written by Kristi’s 7th and 8th grade classes from a suburban Cincinnati school district (name of the district withheld to protect the guilty).

Here are a few lesser-known facts about Mozart. I think I’m scared for the future of the U.S. with kids who are nearing high school writing things like this:

–By the age of five Mozart started composing in minutes.

–Mozart born December 5, 1756, died January 27, 1756 (Reincarnated, maybe?)

–Mozart was born in Salzburg, Australia on January 27, 1956 (He’s currently 50 years old and lives in the German district of Sydney.)

–Mozart composed many sympathies and day by day he became more famous. (The most famous sympathy card composer ever. Hallmark loves him.)

–He died in his wife’s arm in Vienna, Austria at 1am. (Everyone remembers his famous one-armed wife.)

–People are not for sure where he is buried, but some say that he is buried in an anonymous grave. (Hence not knowing where he’s buried…)

–Mozart is a very talented man, and has been his entire life.

–Wolfgang Mozart on Jan. 27, 1756. (The suspense is killing me on this one.)

–Mozart has constructed over 600 pieces of music.

–Some people think he may have been murdered by Antonio Salteri

–Although of his death, Mozart will live forever. (You know, aside from that pesky “death” part.)

–One of Mozart’s well known pieces is called “The 5th of Mozart” (Makes more sense than calling it “The 5th of Beethoven”.)

–Mozart was on TV and many people knew him from his work of music. (Somehow Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is going through my head on this one.)

I wish I was making this stuff up.

Cordy-bear,

You’ve been with us 17 months today. It’s hard to believe how big you are now, compared to just a year ago. You’ve always been on the big side, and you’re continuing to stay that way it seems.

You outgrew most of your 18 month clothing a few months ago, and now are inching your way into 2T. Of course, your head still requires a 4T hat.

In the past month, you’ve amazed us by your ability to count. No one remembers teaching you how to count to six; you seem to have picked it up on your own. Then I watch Noggin with you, and see your favorite friend, Moose A. Moose, counting forks and sides of shapes and ants.

Ah-ha! Moose taught you to count. You count right along with him, although you seem to have something against the number four. Half the time you neglect to put it between three and five. I guess you’re just very excited to get to fi-siih (all one word). Screw the experts who say TV only rots the brains of our youth – our TV is teaching you to count, and I’m right there to reinforce what you’re learning on Noggin.

Not to say that your favorite boy band is being ignored. Nothing can make you snap your head around faster than to have the Wiggles on TV. Your devotion to them is strong and unwavering.

In your top 5 most important things in life, they rank slightly beneath mommy and daddy, and just above food and your pink bunny lovey, although some days they seem to even rank above mommy and daddy.

This month has not been kind to you when it comes to head injuries. You are a skilled walker now, and what you lack in grace and coordination you make up for in speed. We wish you would slow down, but you have a need for speed. Chasing you three laps around the downstairs to wipe your nose helps build that endurance you seek. But speed has led to carelessness and injury, and we are sometimes embarrassed to take you out in public for fear that people will think we abuse you. You’re also interested in jumping now, and while you can’t get your feet off the ground, watching you try is adorable.

The sippy cup is still a battle. You carry it around and shove it in our faces to make us hold it so you can have a drink. While we’re glad you’ve taken to the sippy so well, we really wish you’d hold your own cup. This is getting old, fast.

I’ve tried holding your hands on the cup, which results in you throwing yourself to the ground in a tantrum of protest. I’ve tried not giving in, only to have you follow me around the house, sippy in hand, whining and thrusting it at me anytime I turn around. I keep hoping that one day you’ll pick the thing up and take a drink on your own. I don’t want to still be holding that cup for you when you’re in junior high.

Your newest obsession is dish towels. Once you learned to open the lowest kitchen drawer, and found stacks of towels in there, you’ve insisted on placing them where you think they need to be. This includes the steps, the kitchen floor, in front of the TV, on the cats, on your head, and in your mouth.

Occasionally you will place some of them back into the drawer, giving me hope that you will learn to clean-up soon, but then you quickly fling them back out onto the kitchen floor again. Ah well.

Seeing your personality develop this month has been amazing. You’re starting to really make the connection with communication, and will use any form of communication necessary to get your point across. Thankfully, you’ve resorted to screaming and whining less than you used to. You’re especially good during your alone time with daddy, and choose to hold in your true feelings until mommy is home.

You still aren’t fond of sleeping. Afraid you’ll miss the pony rides, I guess. While it frustrates me, your grandma laughs at your inability to nap. The words “just like your mom” are often heard between hearty chuckles. I guess I’m getting some kind of mommy retribution for how I was as a child. Don’t worry, I’ll try not to laugh (as much) when you have children who won’t sleep.

In all, I’m so enjoying see you grow and develop. You are strong-willed, but I wouldn’t want to change you for anything.

Your persistence and determination will serve you well as you get older and tackle new challenges.

Never lose that fire in your eyes, no matter how much I may beg you to in the future.

Love,
Mommy