Deciding I hadn’t punished myself enough yet, we ventured out to the mall to go to another Stride Rite to look for shoes. This one is larger and had a better stock, so I thought we’d have better luck in finding shoes for an extra-wide, extra-tall toddler foot.

Apparently every other mom in a tri-county radius had the same thought as me. We signed in and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Cordy rearranged the shoes on the shelf in reach over and over in that obsessive habit toddlers have.

When it was our turn, I had four pairs ready to go, and I already knew her size. I thought I was saving the sales associate time. She still insisted on measuring Cordy’s foot. Cordy, in her usual manner, protested being messed with. The sales associate made a comment about Cordy’s chubby feet, then went back to find shoes.

After some time, she returned with two boxes. She explained that she didn’t think Cordy’s foot would fit in three of the styles I picked out, so she brought the fourth and another style she thought would work better. While I was a little disappointed that three of the styles were nixed before we even tried them, I trusted her expertise.

As we tried on shoes, Cordelia whined, cried, and occasionally kicked. When we would set her down to check the shoes, she’d try to run away. As we tried on the second pair, this exchange happened:

Me: Sorry, she’s being a brat today.

Sales Associate: (said with far too much enthusiasm) Why, yes she is!

Me: *blink* Wha?

SA: She does seem to be a cranky child. (then, to Cordy, who is still throwing a fit) Are you like this all the time?

Me: Uhm…we’ll just take these two pairs.

I wish I was making this up. Of course, after we had left the store I thought of all sorts of things I should have said back to that woman. Did I underreact? Should I have been more offended in the moment? I mean, I suppose she could have been joking, but there was no smile on her face as she said it. And I was too stunned to ask for clarification.

I told Aaron about it, and he wondered why I even bought the shoes. I bought them because I had been waiting forever, and she’s impossible to fit, and I wasn’t coming back out to go through all of this again for at least 3 months.

So, to everyone who works retail, I say: please don’t be honest. If a mom is having a bad day with her child, don’t confirm what she already knows. It only makes the mom feel even worse, and for those moms who aren’t as mild-mannered as I am, it could turn ugly for you. Real fast.

Since Cordy had to endure the torture of the doctor’s office today, I decided to trade in my good mommy points for some lazy day TV time. Two shots has got to equal two hours of TV time, right? Besides, we both needed some time to recover from the trauma of the doctor’s office: on the couch, with some Motrin for each of us (her thigh, my head), a juice for her, a soda for me.

(What, you thought I was going to say an alcoholic beverage? Nah, I prefer to drink off-duty.)

At one point, one of the characters on Oobi (talking hands, for those who haven’t seen it) was dressed as a wolf, well, as dressed as a talking hand can be, and was menacing another dressed as Little Red Riding Hood.

Cordy, now in front of the TV and enraptured with the talking hands, put her hands on top of her head, and exclaimed, “Ooooh nooooo!”

The sound that followed was a thump as I fell off the couch in laughter. Cordy spun around to look at me, and started laughing as well, sensing it was the right thing to do. She then gave a repeat performance, which sent me into fits of giggles again.

Why is this so funny, you ask?

Remember Mr. Bill, the clay man with bad luck on SNL? Cordy can say “Oooh noooo!” in exactly the same voice. Yes, my child is channeling Mr. Bill, and I couldn’t be prouder. Or more amused.

Today was Cordelia’s 18 month well-child check-up, and it was an adventure. Things were fine at first – I filled out some new paperwork while Cordy stomped around on the wood floor of the waiting room. Our house is mostly carpeted, so she doesn’t get the chance to practice her early Irish dance moves often. Then, while waiting, she enjoyed running up to the 7 year old boy on the other side of the waiting room and trying to engage him. He, trying to be cool, ignored her to the best of his ability.

We were called back, and as we walked through the maze of examining rooms, a look of faint recognition came over Cordy’s face. As we walked into the room, the nurse adjusted the paper on the table. That rustling paper sound was the trigger that brought back all of Cordy’s repressed doctor’s visit memories in a flood. Her face scrunched up, and she started crying. She would not stop until after we left the doctor’s office.

When the actual doctor came in, she cried harder if he even looked at her. If he reached out to touch her, she wailed loud enough to scare every kid in the waiting room. Her face was the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen on a person. We’re talking tomato red. Firetruck red. Flames of hell red. Fury of toddler red. Her body was also covered in red splotches from being so worked up. She now has red dots all over her face where she broke capillaries under the skin from crying so hard.

So, aside from that drama, she’s healthy. She has some common dry patches on her legs that we should continue treating with thick creams. We need to give her more milk and less juice. She also had two shots, which required three people to hold her down.

And for the stats: at 18 months, she is 32.75 inches tall, which is the 90th percentile for her age. She weighs 28 pounds, 12 ounces, which puts her in the 95th percentile for weight. And her head is 20 inches in circumference, which remains off the charts, somewhere around 120%.

Doctor’s take on things: she’s a big child. She has always been big, and the fact that she isn’t dropping in percentiles means she will likely be a large adult. He’s guessing she’s going to be a tall girl. We’ll know more at her 2 year check-up, but if she continues growing at this rate, there may be a career for her in the WNBA.

Oh, and we’re still unsure if the gigantic head means that she has lots of brains or just a thick skull. If she takes any more headers into sharp or hard objects, my vote is going to be on thick skull.

While I was laid up over the past two days I spent some time browsing my new Parenting and Parents magazines. Nothing like my monthly dose of “What rare disease or disorder could your child have?” to cheer me up.

Truthfully, I love reading all of the advice they dole out in these magazines. While some of it applies to me, most of it does not. I notice that many of the same topics come up over and over, leading me to believe that there is an “epidemic” of these problems among parents.

Now, my daughter certainly isn’t perfect. She’s stubborn. She’s strong willed. She has a fiery temper that could bring some dictators of small countries to their knees. She doesn’t nap long enough. She still won’t completely hold her sippy cup (we’re making progress, though!). She bites and hits when she’s angry.

But after reading these magazines, I see that really I’m pretty lucky. We’ve managed to avoid some major battles. While I could credit it all to my spectacular parenting skills (sarcasm there, folks), I don’t think that’s it. I think the particular problems we encounter as parents are due to two parts: the genetic cards we’re dealt, and how we manage those cards.

Here’s a list of some of the “major issues” (as determined by reading parenting magazines) we’ve managed to avoid so far.

Pacifiers – Oh, when she was a colicky newborn, I begged for her to take a pacifier. I would have given all my assets for someone to come along with the perfect pacifier that she would accept with ease. We tried just about every kind, but she wasn’t interested. In a big F.U. to Freud’s stages of development, she proved that her oral fixation was more towards screaming, and less towards sucking. However, it seems that this may have worked out for the best. Other kids her age and older are fighting their parents over weaning off the pacifier. That is one battle I’m happy to not deal with.

Extended sleep routines – Bedtime here involves daddy giving her milk, then carrying her upstairs, putting her in her crib, pulling the blanket over her, and walking out. She rolls over and goes right to sleep. She doesn’t insist on a book, or three, to read. She doesn’t even mind much if daddy isn’t the one to put her to bed. I have a friend who still nurses her 23 month old, and bedtime for them involves nursing him down, patting his back, and laying with him until he falls asleep. It usually takes 45-60 minutes! Plus, she has to be the one to put him to bed – it doesn’t work well at all if his father tries to lay with him to get him to sleep. Now, while I think in that situation she’s partially to blame for the difficulties she goes through, there are other kids who are just scared to go to bed and be away from their parents, which leads to long, drawn-out routines. Little Miss Independent doesn’t care about being away from us at night, I guess.

Co-sleeping – It seems that half of the families on Nanny 911 have the problem of co-sleeping when their kids are 6 or 8 years old. I guess some kids like co-sleeping so much they refuse to give it up. We originally co-slept with Cordelia, but only until 4-5 months. It’s not that we didn’t like it: she didn’t like it. When we moved her to her crib, she started sleeping better and only waking 1-2 times a night at most. It was clear that being in bed with us was not her style. At least it gave us the ability to have sex at night again.

Refusing to eat – Some of my friends are dealing with this one. They have toddlers who occasionally refuse to eat and survive on dust and air for entire days. Not my bottomless pit. Food is something she’s very serious about. Missing a meal is unheard of here, or at least, if we miss one, she’ll make sure we do hear all about it. While she has some serious preferences towards certain foods, she’ll always find at least one thing to eat, like three dinner rolls.

Respecting pets – Our cats were here before Cordelia, and we wanted her to learn to be gentle with them early on. So far we’ve been successful. The cats love her, and she adores them. Other toddlers tend to chase the cats, or get so excited around them that the cats become scared and run for the upstairs. Cordelia is very gentle with them. She will wave cat toys around for them to play with. They are her furry brothers.

Fear of strangers – While she occasionally gets upset when I leave her, most of the time she’s comfortable with anyone. I keep waiting for the stranger anxiety to come back, but nothing yet. We were at a housewarming party on Sunday, and Cordy was the center of attention. She had no fear going up to people she’s never met and talking to them (or trying to sneak food off of their plates). I hope she eventually develops some fear of strangers, or teaching her about bad strangers when she’s older will be difficult.

Now, I’m certainly not saying that my daughter is a candidate for Miss Toddler USA. She’d probably dirty the pageant dress when she threw herself down for a tantrum, smear food in her hair, run away with the microphone and bite the judges. But sometimes it’s good to see that she doesn’t have every behavioral problem out there. She’s a normal toddler, although a normal toddler who happens to have some different issues than others.

So, what common issues do your children not have?

I don’t think I can put together one coherent post today, so here’s a few snippets for you:

** I’m currently getting over the stomach flu. Exciting, eh? I thought I was invincible when I saw everyone else in the blogosphere sick last week, but apparently germs can travel through the internet, and here I am, home from work sipping chicken noodle soup and praying for it to stay down. (Oh, and as for the Hippo Diet? I think this stomach flu may help me give SlushTurtle a run for her money. Give me a tapeworm next and I’m a winner for sure!)

** Incidentally, yesterday I realized I was very sick while at work in the middle of an appointment with a student. Nothing like discussing the university with a new student, then being overcome with that hot wave of nausea. I had to excuse myself in the middle of the appt. to keep from throwing up in front of her. Not a great first impression of the university, is it? I somehow think she’ll never want to meet with me again. (I went home after that appointment.)

** My baby is 18 months old today! It’s hard for me to believe that she’s a year and a half old. I’d write a sappy letter to her here to celebrate, but I don’t think writing about her new talents of throwing one hell of a tantrum and her return to biting would be much to be proud of. She’s been Miss Attitude the past few days, and it hasn’t been pleasant to be around. Oh God, the terrible twos are here early, aren’t they?

** Speaking of terrible twos, how is it that Cordelia can be a little princess around large groups of people she’s barely met, charming every single one of them, and then revert right back to toddler monster as soon as its just us? Biting is reserved for me, and sometimes daddy. Large tantrums are just for us as well. I think she saves up all of her negative emotions throughout the day and unleashes it on us when we’re alone.

** Some were asking about Marlowe, the kitty who had surgery. He’s doing well, and will go back in another week for a testosterone check. If he’s clean, then no more surgery. If he’s not, more exploratory surgery to come. I hope for him (and our credit card) that he’s clean.

** Thanks to everyone for the shoe recommendations. We’re going to check out Clarks and Land’s End. We already have a pair of Preschoolians that fit her very well. And we love Robeez also, but now that she’s running we needed something with a little more support to it.

** For those surfing here through BlogMad‘s double credit day, I say “Hello!” Please don’t judge my humble blog off of this post. I’m nowhere near my A game today, thanks to lack of food, dehydration, and that pesky virus causing it. This is more like my F game. Oh, and if you’d like to join Blogmad, drop me an e-mail and I’ll send you an invite.

So that’s all I’ve got right now. I hope to be writing only semi-boring posts again soon for all of my readers. If you’re still here, that is.