I was never skinny to begin with.

My weight went up and down like a yo-yo, starting way back in junior high. As a child I had that tiny, cute belly of “baby fat”. As puberty hit, that little belly didn’t go away, but at least was overshadowed by hips and breasts.

In high school, I got lazy, and also became a comfort eater. I went on a weight-loss system and managed to get back into the 150’s. (I’m 5’7″ – had I only known then that 150 is a good weight to be at!)

In college, the comfort eating, combined with poor sleep habits and drinking, led me to my highest weight of 245 lbs. When I graduated college, I decided I’d had enough of being fat, and I started to work hard on my weight. Of course, being a starving grad student helped a lot (can’t eat junky fast food when you can’t afford it!), but I also took up a dance class and watched the pounds fly off. At my wedding, 5 years after I graduated college at 245 lbs., I was a very decent 170.

Despite all those changes in weight, my body stayed the same. Some parts got bigger or smaller depending on where I was in life, but there wasn’t much overall change. That little belly from my childhood was there – much larger at 245, but small and barely noticeable at 170.

Then motherhood hit. When I got pregnant, my weight had already creeped up to 190. But I kept it under control and only gained 20 pounds for my pregnancy. Wait, that’s not quite honest – being sick all the time kept it under control and I only gained 20 pounds. The picture to the right is me a week before Cordy was born. I was all baby at that point.

In the days that followed my c-section, I thought a little about my body and what changes I should expect. I figured that other than a bright new scar at my panty line, my body should bounce right back, right? After all, my weight had been much higher in years past, so this should be a breeze. And also, I was breastfeeding, which had helped friends of mine lose all kinds of weight. I wasn’t expecting 170 again right away, but I had hoped to be back to 190 soon.

Oh how wrong I was. Here I am, 21 months postpartum, still weighing what I weighed at 9 months pregnant, and my “little” belly is not so little. I see the looks from people when I’m at the playground. They chat with me, notice I have a toddler, glance at my belly, but aren’t quite sure whether or not I’m pregnant, and so choose not to ask. And thank goodness for that.

I still look 6 months pregnant. My belly, which had some tone to it before, now has nothing and just hangs there limply. My beautifully defined waist has vanished. I had braced myself for the lower belly apron that many women complain about after a c-section, but it was my upper belly that came as a shock. I try to suck in my belly as hard as possible in public, but it’s as if the belly isn’t even connected to the muscles underneath – it laughs at me and sways as I walk.

Via Blogging Baby over the weekend, I found this site: The Shape of a Mother. I think I’m in love with the creator of this site. The Shape of a Mother is a blog that encourages women to send in pictures of how having a baby has physically changed them. (Go on, go have a look. I’ll wait.) Looking through the pictures of how motherhood has permanently altered the bodies of these women, I nearly cried in relief. I wasn’t alone! Other women have battle scars of pregnancy, and not just stretch marks!

I don’t have a lot of close mommy friends, so I don’t have a lot of reference as to how a body changes after pregnancy. My best mommy friend was one of the exceptions: after two children, she’s now two sizes smaller than she was before having children. I’m very happy for her, although insanely jealous at the same time. (Judith, if you’re reading this – I really do love and admire you!) The only other before-after pregnancy pictures I’ve seen were of actresses and models, who, as we all know, aren’t really human, or at least have enough money to schedule their tummy tucks during their c-sections.

But this new blog puts it out there in all its un-Photoshop’d glory. I want to thank these women for showing me that I’m perfectly normal, and for having the courage to put parts of themselves that aren’t often shown on the internet for all to see. And while I am still uncomfortable with my belly, at least I know I’m not alone. Although I will probably be wearing my Higher Power Spanx at Blogher every. single. day.

What about you? How has motherhood changed you physically?

Today was Aaron’s first day at his new job. He had to get up earlier than normal to be there by 8am (an hour earlier than the old job), which left me on my own with Cordy for the morning routine. No big deal, really. Especially since she gave me the beautiful gift of sleeping until 8am.

As expected, in learning more about the job today, there were some up and down moments.

Up: The pay is better than his old job!
Down: They hold paychecks back two weeks, so no first paycheck until the first week of August. Ouch. July is officially sucking.

Up: 2 weeks vacation (same as old job), but also 4 personal days and 2 weeks sick time!
Down: Can’t use vacation for the entire first year.

Up: Better, cheaper health insurance!
Down: Insurance doesn’t go into effect until Aug. 1, so we’d better not get sick this month.

Up: They may be raising the pay for everyone there soon. (Which is above and beyond regular raises.)
Down: We’ll need it to pay for parking – the job is downtown, in the land of “Nothing is free.”

Luckily, all of those down points are temporary ones. Aaron spent his first day knee deep in papers. Not paperwork – newspapers. Part of the job involves scouring the newspapers for topics related to the agency and clipping them, and well, the job had been vacant for months, so there was a lot to catch up on.

Aaron would also probably tell you two more down points that are annoying but he’ll get past: first, it’s a dress shirt & tie environment, so no more going to work in jeans and t-shirt. Second, this bump up to a higher dress code also means shaving everyday. Now, I generally wear capris in the summer to work, but I still don’t shave everyday. Luckily the hair on my legs is light in color, so I can get by a few days. But Aaron is Mr. 5 o’clock Shadow at half-past Noon, so shaving every day will be necessary.

He’s also not sure how strict they are on the No personal use of the Internet rule, so he’ll have to wait and see if he’s allowed to check his personal mail at work or not. Ah, new jobs – they’re like first dates. You have to carefully feel the other person out to see just how far you think you can go. Hopefully for him, this new job will at least put out to 1st base – Gmail and Yahoo mail, and maybe even go as far as 2nd base – blogs and message boards.

Tomorrow is orientation day, so we’ll find out more about his benefits at that point. Until then, he’s still happy he left his old job, and he says the people at the new job are really nice, and many seem to have young children as well. Maybe we’ll make some new parent friends?

About a month ago, I was contacted by Randy at The Benefactory and asked if I would review her company’s books. We’re a family of avid readers (OK, so I don’t read as much as I used to, but I have a 21 month old excuse.), so I jumped on the chance to try out some new books for Cordy.

Randy sent us three books: Chessie, The Travelin’ Man, Ruffle, Coo, and Hoo Doo, and Norman to the Rescue. Each softcover book is the true story of a real animal. Chessie is about a manatee who likes to roam up and down the eastern seaboard, Ruffle, Coo, and Hoo Doo are two green parrots and a great horned owl who co-exist in the same tree in Bridgeport, CT, and Norman is a blind shelter dog who saves a little girl from drowning.

I think what impressed me the most was the beautiful artwork. Each page is filled with bright colors and beautiful renditions of these animals. While the stories are aimed at somewhat older children, Cordy still enjoyed looking at the pictures and talking about what she saw. (Yes, I got to hear, “Itza kiiiiii!” each time I turned a page when reading Norman to the Rescue. Someday Cordy will learn what a dog is.) Many times I barely had time to read everything on the page, but I know that as she grows older she will be more willing to listen to the story.

Best of all, I’ve read these to Cordy several times now, and I still enjoy reading them. The stories are interesting, and the authors dig into the emotions of the events. I actually learned things from them as well – I had no idea that a manatee would swim in the open waters of the Atlantic Ocean, much less go as far as New England! I also love that there is a photo in the back of each book featuring the real animal the story is based on.

The Benefactory has books on lots of other animals, also, including condors, wolves, bears, loggerhead turtles, and more shelter kitties and dogs. Each story stresses the importance of animal protection.

So, if you like animal stories, I’d suggest giving The Benefactory a try. They get two thumbs up from me and a sticky high five from Cordy. (She can’t do thumbs up yet. But high fives are high praise.)

Win one! If you’d like the chance to win one of these books, simply leave a comment in this post. I will choose the winner later in the week, and that person will get one of the three books I received. I really enjoyed all three books, so I will let you choose which one interests you the most.

Dude, that’ll be a tough choice.

We were at the local mall play area the other day, letting Cordy blow off some steam and run like a mad toddler. She doesn’t really play with other kids – she just likes to run around and around and around the play area. As long as she’s having fun, I’m OK with it.

There was another little girl I noticed in the play area. A very pretty little girl, with dark skin and dark curly hair, and maybe three or four years old. I watched her play a little while watching Cordy also. Her grandmother was sitting about 10 feet from me, half-ignoring the little girl’s requests to watch her perform each stunt she attempted.

But then I watched this little girl’s grandmother yank her off one of the climbing toys and drag her to the bench. The grandmother was hissing, “That’s it. We’re leaving. I’m never bringing you back here ever again!”

The little girl, of course, was crying at having been abruptly pulled from her play and forcefully sat on the bench. I turned my head away from the scene, until I heard the sickening sharp smack! sound.

“Stop it and get your shoes on!” Smack! The grandmother had just smacked the little girl on her bare leg again. This just made the little girl cry harder and try to push her grandmother away from her, resisting the efforts to get her shoes on. At this point I was across the play area from Aaron, but we locked eyes, and it was clear we were both focused on this domestic scene.

Finally the grandmother crammed the shoes on the little girl. The little girl continued crying, with the grandmother yelling at her, “You shut up right now! Just shut up!” She smacked the little girl on the leg one more time, then dragged her out of the play area, saying, “I don’t think I like you anymore! I’m never taking you out to play again.”

What was the little girl’s crime that deserved such a punishment, you ask? She slid down the hard foam slide backwards, which her grandmother told her not to do. She did it safely, and honestly it’s a very short slide, so she wouldn’t have been hurt anyway. But that single transgression led to the grandmother telling the little girl that she didn’t like her anymore, hitting her, and roughly dragging her away from her playtime.

Aaron and I looked at each other again after she left. We were both stunned, and didn’t know how to react in a situation like that. We talked about it afterwards, and agreed that we didn’t understand what the poor little girl did that was so bad to deserve that treatment.

Looking back, I wonder if I should have stepped in or said something? The woman was in such a fury that I was a little scared of her myself. But what could I have done? Reporting her would have been a little extreme – she was smacking the girl on the leg (and I know that a leg slap can produce a very loud sound for little effort), but she didn’t hit her in the face or with a closed hand. At what point am I a concerned member of society or an overbearing busybody interfering in the business of others?

I know that I learned my own parenting lesson that day. My own views on raising a child were reaffirmed watching that scene. The punishment should always fit the crime, and I saw nothing that little girl did to deserve the punishment she got. Plus, I am even more determined to never talk to my daughter like that woman talked to her granddaughter. Seeing the pure confusion, terror and sadness in that little girl’s face…well, it’s something that will stick with me for a long time.

I can only hope the little girl has loving parents that would never treat her that way, and hopefully parents that will discover how grandma treats their daughter and forbid her from spending time alone with that little girl ever again.

Lately, Cordy has been making leaps in language acquisition. Lots of new words, but more importantly, the beginnings of sentence structure.

Right now, most sentences have the same beginning: It’s a… However, where she should drop the “a”, she doesn’t.

Here’s some of Cordy’s recent thoughts, with translation.

Itza cuuu! – It’s a clue (Blue’s Clues)

Itza beaaa! – Look, mommy, it’s my bear.

Itza wain! – Hey, it’s raining.

Itza keee! – Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Itza booo pooo! – Yay, Blue’s Clues is on! (yes, it’s becoming a favorite here)

Itza guuud! – Yum, this tastes great!

Itza muck! – Can I have some more milk, please?

Itza shooshoo! – There are my shoes.

Itza ma! – Hey daddy, look, it’s mommy. But don’t tell her I called her mommy, OK?

Now if I could just get her to say “Itza spic-y meat-a-ball!” in her best Italian accent. That would be cool.

In other news, I finally got around to doing something with my evenings, and took up knitting. Why? Well, because cross-stitch isn’t popular yet, that’s why. Thanks to a lot of help from one of my best friends, who I refer to as the Knitting Goddess, and some help from KnittingHelp.com, I’ve started some basic knitting projects.

So far, I’ve completed two felted bags, and just last week I finished a halter top for Cordy. I used the Katja pattern from Knitty.com. It was surprisingly easy to do, and that’s coming from a real knitting novice.

I generally knit “tight”, so things turn out smaller than they should. However, this project went the other way. I know I did the pattern right, but, well, the halter top will now fit Cordy well through kindergarten, and possibly past that. Yeah, it’s that big. A little bigger and it might even fit me.

To make this work, because darn it, I wanted to make this top wearable, I folded part of the back over on itself and made a seam. So it now fits her, and she also has a back cushion in case she’s ever stuck in an uncomfortable hard backed chair.

Picture proof: