There are a lot of unhappy people out there.

I’d like to say I was surprised by all of the responses I received to this post, but I’m not. I see it everyday among my friends and family, those with and without children. Right now, there’s a whole lot of unhappy going on out there, in varying degrees.

I wish I could give an answer as to what is breeding this discontent, but I have none. I can give several theories, but they are as valid as any other theories you could come up with. Most of the theories I can come up with rest on one central point: modern life and technology.

As I said in the last post, it could be that thanks to technology, we have reached a point where many of the jobs we perform have little real value to society. Many of us work in jobs where we do not produce an actual product, or provide a necessary service for the survival of the people around us. At the end of the day, I didn’t save anyone’s life, and I didn’t do anything more than advise students and maybe register a few for classes, which is something they can do online as well. A hundred or two hundred years ago, few people had that kind of job. Most could go home at the end of the day and have something to show for their work: they made 4 wagon wheels, they shod 6 horses, they baked enough bread to supply everyone in town, etc.

I worked a short stint in daycare, and while I wasn’t thrilled with my job at the time, I did feel more of a sense of accomplishment than I do in my current position, sitting at a desk, enrolling students in college classes. After all, as part of my duties as a daycare worker, I kept those children safe from harm, and saw that they received food and attention. I provided a necessary service for their parents, without which they would be unable to work, or would have to put their children in dangerous situations.

So that theory makes some sense to me. But what of the moms who stay home with their children who also feel the weight of unhappiness on them? They are performing a task that is very important to society and so basic in our evolutionary mammalian roots that we still have traces of mothering instincts to this day. If mothering is such an important job, why should we not feel entirely fulfilled while doing it?

I think part of that has to do with how our generation was raised. We mothers today are the first and second generation products of the feminist movement. While I can’t say all of us were raised this way, I know I was raised to believe I could have it all. I was raised by a single mom, grandmother, and two unmarried (and very feminist) aunts. Up until I graduated college, my education was the most important task in my life. Unlike my grandmother, who worked as a secretary after raising her daughters, I could be anything I wanted to be. Going to college was encouraged, not something I had to fight for. And I was told that when the time came and if I wished to do so, I could marry, have children, and have my career with no problems.

I’m sure many other women were instilled with similar beliefs. But reality has turned out to be harsher than the grand dream of “having it all”, I think. Having it all is hard to do, and often in the process of juggling all our responsibilities to have it all, something gets dropped. And so often, as women, we blame ourselves for that one thing getting dropped, when in reality it isn’t always our fault. For example, as much as we wish for an even 50-50 split in housework and childcare with our spouses, it doesn’t always end up that way. (I consider myself lucky to have a husband who will change poopy diapers and do the dishes, but I know many don’t have that.) Which means that having it all often leads to doing too much and forgetting your own needs in the process.

And then once you have a child, that remnant of maternal instinct, buried deep within the most primal part of your brain, can surface and make the thought of returning to the career you prized so highly seem like torturous punishment. It can make you want to throw all career aspirations away just to be with this little person. This can lead to an identity crisis, as you feel you have given away your old independent life in trade for a life that now only revolves around your offspring and their activities. Your college diploma that you once displayed proudly is now boxed up to make more room to display the artwork of a three year old.

Or, you could still want to work, but feel torn about leaving your new, helpless child in the hands of another. So while you want to continue taking pride in your work, it is now overshadowed by the guilt you feel letting someone else care for your child each day. Either way, it can be enough to drive many moms into the sweet embrace of antidepressants and tranquilizers.

But what of non-mothers and men who feel adrift and unfulfilled? Clearly that theory doesn’t explain their feelings of unhappiness. And so I could also suggest that the modern media and internet could possibly have some root in the causes of this epidemic.

Think about it: our entertainment industry is there to help us escape from the real world. We go to see movies of people performing extraordinary acts in amazing, exciting jobs. TV is also full of these exciting jobs, but we all can’t lead the exciting life of Jack Bauer. You don’t see many shows or movies about average people living average lives, because it’s boring. (OK, Office Space might have parodied the average office worker, but we can all agree that no one wanted their lives, right?) You don’t see shows about the adventurous life of an accountant, do you? And even if they did have that, how many accountants could really hope to live like that?

I think it can be hard to see all of these exciting people “living” daring lives, and then go back to your desk at your office job and pretend that your job makes a difference. Many people want excitement and drama (of the good kind) in our lives, but there really isn’t that much out there for the average modern person. The truth is that while TV can show us exciting con men and world travelers seeking answers to great unknown questions, the average person must deal with a mortgage and a family and bills to pay. That unglamorous side of life is rarely dealt with for Laura Croft or Clark Kent or Indiana Jones. Somehow the bills just get paid, and their houses are still clean and ready for them when they’re home. Even superheroes need a day job to pay the bills – they just don’t talk about it much in the movies.

So I guess I took all of this time and space to say what I said in the beginning: I have no answers. Maybe we’re all just more ungrateful of all we have today; maybe we’re now so far away from real danger in our lives that we take everything for granted; maybe we have too much time on our hands to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves; or perhaps there really is something wrong with modern society that is leading to more and more people feeling unsatisfied with life. And perhaps this problem is something bigger and scarier than middle-class people feeling like they don’t have it all. Maybe this is one cause behind people who snap and do horrific things, like take hostages and kill children in schools?

What is the modern secret of happiness? Is it pursuing your dreams despite all costs? Is it finding time, in the rush of daily life, to care for your personal needs? Is it accepting that you can’t do everything and letting some things go? Is it learning to accept that your life probably won’t turn out the way you hoped it might?

I recently started reading Judith Warner’s book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, and while I can’t comment on the book yet since I’m only on chapter 3, I can say that I’m already developing a pain in my neck from nodding in agreement so much. Perhaps I’ll find some answers there.

What I do know for sure is that from your responses to my previous post and from the experiences in my own family and those around me, many people are feeling this way, and I worry for all of us if we don’t find some way to combat it.

Hi everyone, it’s a new month, and so it’s time again for the Blog Exchange. Please welcome this month’s guest blogger, Binky! You can find me over at her site today, and there’s more info about this exchange at the bottom of this post.

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According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), “the debate is over.” Violence in the media DOES influence the behavior of children.

I’ll go along with that.

But the media will not raise my child.

Our culture is obsessed with the extreme, from violence to sex to eating habits and back again. We are bombarded every day by images designed to sell, convince, connive, and divert. When approached out of context, the omnipresence of these messages can seem overwhelming. Children, especially, are vulnerable to these altered depictions of reality as they work to conceptualize their own new world. Parents need to know better. They need to analyze and advocate. They need to teach. It is up to the family to build a framework of decency that supports its children and reinforces the innate importance of integrity.

Nor will the government raise my child.

My husband and I brought our daughter into this world willingly and with excitement because we believe that this is the time, and this is the place. The United States is anchored in its Constitution and in the solidity of those who protect it. It’s a country built on freedoms that place power in the hand of individuals and families. It is up to the citizens to decide what is best for the children.

Many studies, according to the APA, have shown that “exposure to depictions of violence causes desensitization and creates a climate of fear.” I believe this. I see this. But, to me, the clearest and most present danger is that of censorship.

I do not believe in government-mandated or -coerced “parental advisory” labels or ratings systems, V-Chips, or regulations dictating broadcast programming content and scheduling. Such guidelines can start out innocuously enough, but the force with which the heavy hand of the government comes down on our collective backside is likely to increase as our kids prove more stubborn than crotchety Uncle Sam can tolerate.

Exorbitant FCC fines already stifle indefinably “indecent” material on the radio and television. Bleeps pepper television movie broadcasts to an extent that would be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn insidious. More and more, we are losing options. Decisions about what is right for our children can no longer be made on our own terms.

I will raise my child.

I do not want my adult children to be denied freedoms because of what the government decided their youthful brains couldn’t handle. The true “climate of fear” is one in which views cannot be expressed and voices are not heard. It is our right as United States citizens and our obligation as human beings to stand up and speak up for the well-being of our children.

We must protect them from violence. And we must be allowed to do so freely.

American Medical Association (AMA) recommendations for limiting the media’s effect on children:

1. Be alert to the shows your children see. These suggestions are important for all
children, and most important for young children: the younger the child, the more
impressionable he or she is.

2. Avoid using television, videos, or video games as a babysitter. It might be convenient for busy parents, but it can begin a pattern of always turning to media for entertainment or diversion. Simply turning the sets off is not nearly as effective as planning some other fun activity with the family.

3. Limit the use of media. Television use must be limited to no more than one or two quality hours per day. Set situation limits, too: no television or video games before school, during daytime hours, during meals, or before homework is done.

4. Keep television and video player machines out of your children’s bedrooms. Putting them there encourages more viewing and diminishes your ability to monitor their use.

5. Turn the television off during mealtimes. Use this time to catch up and connect with one another.

6. Turn television on only when there is something specific you have decided is worth watching. Don’t turn the TV on “to see if there’s something on.” Decide in advance if a program is worth viewing. Identify high-quality programs, using evaluations of programs in your selection process.

7. Don’t make the TV the focal point of the house. Avoid placing the television in the most prominent location in your home. Families watch less television or play fewer videos if the sets are not literally at the center of their lives.

8. Watch what your children are watching. This will allow you to know what they’re viewing and will give you an opportunity to discuss it with them. Be active: talk and make connections with your children while the program is on.

9. Be especially careful of viewing just before bedtime. Emotion-invoking images may linger and intrude into sleep.

10. Learn about movies that are playing and the videos available for rental or purchase. Be explicit with children about your guidelines for appropriate movie viewing and review proposed movie choices in advance.

11. Become “media literate.” This means learning how to evaluate media offerings critically. First learn yourself and then teach your children. Learn about advertising and teach your children about its influences on the media they use.

12. Limit your own television viewing. Set a good example by your moderation and discrimination in viewing. Be careful when children are around and may observe material from “your” program.

13. Let your voice be heard. We all need to raise our voices so that they are heard by program decision makers and sponsors. We need to insist on better programming for our children.

– Binky of 24/7 is the mother of a 14 month old daughter she affectionately refers to as The Boss. To keep her toddler’s brain free from smut and violence, Binky listens to the Howard Stern Show on earphones and watches the Sopranos once the Boss is tucked safely in her crib. She is a rabid advocate of her daughter’s right to free speech, which right now is exercised with much passion in the form of “look,” “dog,” “thank you,” “hat,” and “gak.”

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This month we’re doing a series of debates on issues that matter. Click here for the other op ed pieces (and their opposing sides) today. And if you’d like to participate next month, send an email to kmei26 at yahoo.com.

Yesterday was my first OB appt. for this pregnancy. I met with the doctor who had delivered Cordelia, and we spent a few minutes catching up. I was a participant in a research study for her after Cordy was born, and so I got to see her every three months, usually armed with new pictures of Cordy to show her. I really enjoy seeing this doctor because she is warm and very easy to talk to.

My starting weight for this pregnancy was a bit of an embarrassment, and after seeing the number on the scale, I vowed to eat healthy and exercise a little more to keep from gaining a lot of weight. Don’t worry, I know some gain is needed and healthy, and I’m certainly not going to diet.

Then it was on to the other usual stuff: blood pressure (excellent), pee in a cup (difficult for some reason), blood work (always difficult with my bad veins), then strip down for an exam.

My doctor then asked if I had given any thought to delivery options with this child, since I had a c-section previously. I took a deep breath, then said, “Yes, I’d like to go for a VBAC, assuming I have no high-risk complications of course.” I really wasn’t sure what her response would be. I mean, I was pretty sure she supported VBACs, but I needed to be totally certain.

Her response: “That’s fine. I’ve seen several successful VBACs, and I think the risks are minimal. I think you could do fine with a VBAC, as long as this one cooperates and turns the right way.”

Woo-hoo! We then discussed one of the more recent research studies done at this hospital that proved that repeat c-sections and VBACs have about the same risk of complications, and recommended that hospitals encourage VBACs.

Then it was the moment of truth. Over the past week I had been having nightmares that I was having twins. I mean no offense to those who do have twins – I think you’re superwomen, honestly. But while the idea of twins is an exciting thought to a first-time mother, after having a single child and seeing how hard it is, the thought of two at once makes me feel faint. I needed that ultrasound to quiet my subconscious.

Thankfully, there’s only one fetus. And it is in a good location and growing right on track. Of course, at 6 weeks, there’s not much to see. But I will give you all the first look at what I can only describe at the moment as, the blob:

The dark egg-shaped area surrounded by a lighter area is the gestational sac. On the right border of the sac, between the two markers, is the fetus. It took some effort to hold the ultrasound wand very still and in just the right position, but we did get to see the tiny flicker of the heartbeat. At this point, it looked like the entire fetus was flickering.

So, not much to see at this point, but I am happy to see that everything looks good. My next appointment is in five weeks, at which point I have another ultrasound for genetic screening.

I remember talking with a friend from Australia years ago, and we were discussing interesting differences between countries. For example, when meeting someone for the first time, we often both ask, “What do you do?” For those in the US, this is generally answered by providing a job title or description of your work. He told me that if he asked anyone in his area that question during a friendly conversation, he might get an answer that included what they did for a living, but most often they would answer what they liked to do for fun.

I find it strange and somewhat disheartening that we in the US define ourselves by our employment. Especially since the modern world has opened up a wide variety of new job titles – helpdesk support, administrative assistant, aide, retail clerk, customer service rep – that often aren’t long-term careers. They might be a step on the ladder to a better career, but often they are simply a “job”.

It can be hard to define yourself by your career if your career is a telemarketer or a retail clerk. (I’m not saying people can’t find these types of jobs rewarding. But overall many people who are in these jobs would rather be doing something else.)

Aaron has lately been feeling trapped in a “job”. Yes, he has a cushy position with room for advancement working for the state and making better money than his old job. But his degree is in theatre, and he wants to eventually work in that field, either teaching or directing or something. However, a simple BFA in Theatre is not enough, and there is further training he must pursue to reach his goals, which means that for now it would be close to impossible to make a living in the performing arts field. With a family to support, he must keep the good office job, even if it is just a job.

Luckily, he is still making progress towards his goals. But as is true with many of us, that progress is not coming fast enough for him, even though there is no way to speed it up. He will get there in the end, but it will take time, and he will have to fight off the depression that constantly tries to drag him down and pull him away from doing what needs to be done in the present. That same depression tries to tell him that everything he’s doing is pointless, and he’ll never do what he wants to do.

Thinking about his situation made me wonder: how many people feel like they’re in the same situation? How many people are really where they want to be right now? Are you really happy with your job? Is what you’re doing a career or just a job? Did you see yourself doing something else when you first started out? Do you think you’ll never do what you want to do?

Are the scores of people who are depressed today (and the numbers keep growing) feeling hopeless because they see no purpose in their lives? Can they only see the current job chaining them down instead of providing them the means to keep going and hopefully one day find something that will provide them meaning?

Before the modern age, many jobs actually produced something. At the end of the day, you could go to sleep knowing you harvested 10 bushels of food to feed your family and others, or made two wagon wheels, or produced two bolts of cloth. Usually your job was important to your town or area – you were a needed link in the chain of society.

In the present day, many people go to work, and come home at the end of the day with nothing to show for it. Oh sure, they may have sat at a phone bank all day and tried to sell people supplementary life insurance. They probably got yelled at or hung up on many times, and may have even sold a few policies. But some of these people will feel no sense of accomplishment for what they did. If they weren’t doing that job, society would continue to function.

And when you look at really interesting jobs that many people want to go into, there are usually a limited number of those jobs available or they require a lot of extra training and waiting. There is a plethora of less interesting jobs, however.

As a college student advisor, I see a lot of students coming back to school because they are so miserable in their current jobs and want only to find some job to give them some meaning. They pick a new major and hope that a degree in Human Resources or Accounting or Marketing might provide the exciting job they hope for. Sadly, some of these people graduate with those degrees, go out into the world, and then are disappointed when all they can find is an administrative assistant position.

I’m curious to know how you, my readers, feel about your current situation, or your partner’s situation. Are you happy with your job, your family, your life? Are you where you want to be? If not, do you see yourself ever getting to where you want to be?

As for me, I don’t think I’m happy with my current situation, but I am at least content for the moment. My job is often frustrating and not what I wanted to do, but it does have its rewarding moments. I am going back to school for nursing, since my BA in History is doing nothing for me at the moment. Hopefully I will find nursing more rewarding.

My ideal situation would be to stay home with my children full-time until they were in school, and then go to work in nursing part-time so I could still pick them up from school most days. However, real life steps in and reminds me that we don’t have the finances to do that, so for now I must be content with working part-time. If I let it really bother me, I could end up right back on antidepressants, so I try to keep a positive outlook. At least I have the ability to be part-time, and at least my job doesn’t completely suck the life out of me.

I look forward to hearing your answers. It’s totally OK to answer that your life sucks, and at the same time, feel free to express if you’re really happy, too. I’m curious to see the entire spectrum.

In a previous post, I discussed the disturbing trend towards sexualizing our little girls way too early, usually through inappropriate clothing.

I should have realized that Halloween costumes would soon follow this trend. The number of “sexy” costumes available for preteen girls, and even little girls, is appalling.

When I was a kid, costumes followed traditional styles of ghosts, monsters and princesses in big dresses, with some plastic TV cartoon character masks thrown in.

I remember one year I was a ghost, which is the Halloween equivalent of trick-or-treating in a burka. Another year I was a California Raisin, yet another warm and stuffy costume with limited visibility. I was also a witch one year, but certainly not a sexy witch – more like the green and scary variety.

Perhaps the most skin-baring costume I ever wore was when I dressed as Wilykit from Thundercats in 4th grade. One shoulder was bare, and the dress was short, but I wore dyed tights instead of painting my bare legs to provide a little bit of modesty. And one look at me, with my hair cornstarched to stand straight up and sprayed a bright red and my white and black makeup, would tell you I wasn’t going for a sexy look. Weird and slightly frightening, but not sexy.

So while shopping for Cordy’s Halloween costume, I am appalled at some of the choices out there. Sure, there are the cute, furry, full-body costumes. But for every cute plush kitty costume, there’s a “sexy kitty” costume as well.

What’s that? You want examples? I thought you’d never ask.

Exhibit A: Raggedy Ann Look at that cute little rag doll!

You could never make Raggedy Ann sexy for a toddler, right?

Wrong:

Exhibit B: Pirates Sure, pirates are the big thing this year. And with a smash movie, even girls want to be pirates. But there’s a difference between being a pirate girl:

…and being the pirate’s consort (with some serious vinyl boots):

Exhibit C: Cowgirls While I did find some decent cowgirl costumes, I had to point out two bad ones in particular. First, is this little girl just an early bloomer, or is the chest of this costume padded?

And then there’s the cowgirl costume named Lil’ Texy Cowgirl.

“Texy”, get it? Like sexy, without driving moms into a stampede by using the word sexy. Just switch the first letter so it is a Texas reference, and you’ve got a winner.

Now, I’ll admit that these aren’t too racy. Pretty tame compared to the costumes for older girls, truthfully. But they’re toddler costumes! Toddlers don’t even need to hint at sexy! What’s worse, dressing them like that now could be the first step towards these types of costumes. The distance between that first step and pre-teen costumes is not that big of a jump.

When did it become OK to dress our girls as sexy little women? And do you really want your 11 year old daughter wearing this?