It’s amazing how much harder it is to blog in the summertime. When Cordy’s regular special needs preschool ended, I worried how her behavior might change as a result of this change in routine. She needs that routine, so she knows what to expect each minute of the day. Without routine, she’s fidgety, hyperactive, defiant, and sometimes just plain manic. I was so excited when she was recommended for the district’s special needs summer school, knowing that some continuation of routine would be good for her.

The week between the end of class and the beginning of her summer school wasn’t too bad. She was a little off, but overall we found ways to keep her days filled with activity. Then summer school started, and she hated the new routine. Unlike the regular school year, she rode the bus both ways instead of just one way, her school day was longer, and she had new teachers and new classmates.

I had hoped that my Amazon warrior princess would adjust quickly to the new school. And she did adjust a little, but the last day of school was last Thursday, and she still cried getting onto the school bus, just like she did every day before that. She never wanted to go to school, begged to stay home, and occasionally told me she wanted to see her old teacher.

But even worse is that her behavior started to backslide even while in school. She would come home from school and be on the verge of a meltdown if we didn’t cater to her demands. There ae some weird new habits that she’s developed, like constantly putting her fingers in her mouth or licking her hands. And while potty training was starting to reach some success, for the past week and a half it’s been a complete failure.

Now summer school is over, and while she starts a camp next week, I’m ready to cry uncle. This backslide is so difficult. She’s still an adorable girl who charms everyone with her politeness – even while in a screaming fit, she’ll still answer your requests with “No, thank you!” Cordy also can melt your heart as she hugs you and says, “You’re my best friend.” But the manic running back and forth, the constant repetition of scripted phrases, the shrieks and screams when we do something she doesn’t like, and the self-inflicted injuries when we try to correct her are wearing me down.

I know that when it comes to autism, there are periods of growth and periods of regression, however we’ve had such a long up period that this downward tumble is painful to experience. I try to be a good mom, try not to take the screams personally and try not to take out my frustrations about her behavior on her. I know that she has trouble controlling her reactions to sensory stimuli and keeping her emotions in check.

Then Cordy pushes me too far, and I lash out at her, yelling, imposing strict punishments, followed by cooling down and crumpling to the floor, feeling like I’m not cut out for this kind of parenting. I wonder why me? How can someone like me – an average mom, fumbling along for the first time – be expected to pull this child out of the fog she’s often trapped in? Where’s my handbook on how to raise her to be a successful member of society?

The small bit of good news is that we just found out that we’ve been approved for funding through the county’s developmental disability office. This means we’ll be able to seek out more therapy and treatment for Cordy, with the county picking up any costs that insurance won’t. (Which means everything, since our health insurance will not cover any treatment for autism, considering it an “untreatable” condition. Bastards.) And they’ll help cover the costs for me to attend an autism conference in October, where I hope to learn more about how I can best help my daughter.

It’s a good thing that I’m getting on a plane for BlogHer on Thursday. I need an escape – just for a little while – from all of the stress at home. Hopefully I’ll be able to come back refreshed and ready to find new ways to handle any further backsliding Cordy may have.

(PS – Thanks for all of the well-wishes on my exam on Friday. I’m proud to say that not only did I pass, I scored the third best in my entire class. I guess I knew more than I thought I did!)