Some Days Should Never End

Last weekend we spent a day in the country for the annual picnic with family and friends. The hosts have a home that can only be described as a child’s paradise: lots and lots of toys, a giant play castle, an enormous back yard full of grass so soft you can walk barefoot, and a fire pit with lots of seating to enjoy the warmth of the fire in the evening. OK, so it’s an adult’s paradise, too.

Cordy and Mira expelled a week’s worth of energy in one day as they roamed the grounds and lived life to it’s child-hedonist fullest. What did they do, you ask?

Eating. Lots and lots and lots of eating:

Mira ate her weight in Doritos, a normally forbidden snack at home.

Bouncing on balls…

…and falling off:

Playing with the kids of friends, while I admired and wished for just a moment that my daughters were that little again:

This little girl? She’s so cute I want to gobble her up.

Playing Queen of the Castle with a real (plastic) castle:

I have few photos of Cordy because she spent most of her day in that castle with the pirate’s treasure chest full of toy loot.

Gathering around the fire in the evening with friends and warm blankets for music and s’mores.

These are days that I never want to end. Days when I don’t have to work, when we’re surrounded by people we care about, when we can talk all day into the night about anything we want, and when the kids can run and play with each other without us needing to be right next to them. These are the few precious days we get in a large number of unimpressive so-so days. I hold the memory of these days as close to my heart as I can.

Also? In reviewing my photos, I quickly realized this child is determined to rule the world.

Look out everyone, she has the power to use those big eyes and that pouty bottom lip to get anything she wants.


Quality Time

It’s a tradition in my family to always pick out funny cards for any occasion, including Mother’s Day. So I was quite proud of my accomplishment this year, when I selected a card that read on the outside: “Mom, now that I’m a parent, I understand what you went through in raising me…” On the inside: “Hell. Happy Mother’s Day.”

I know I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with, and I’m glad my mom had the patience to deal with a kid who was really too smart for her own good.

I never suspected that my mother had any regrets in how she raised me. After all, I graduated near the top of my class, attended a well-respected university where I graduated with honors, spent a summer studying in England, married, bought a house, and gave birth to two beautiful daughters of my own. Sure, I’ve got my share of problems, too, but I thought mom had to be pretty proud of her job as mother. In fact, I often wondered how I could ever measure up to her standard in raising my own children.

A few years ago, mom gave me a small piece of advice that made me realize that no matter how well we do, guilt can plague any mother. I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but at one point she became very serious and told me, “Just promise me one thing: when your daughter is sick, take your sick time and be with her. Because no matter what’s going on at work, no matter your deadlines or how much people say they need you to come in that day, they don’t need you as much as your kid.”

Truer words never spoken.

My mom went on to say that she regrets not staying home with me more when I was sick. Instead, she would go to work, believing that they needed her more at work. She usually called in my grandmother to be with me for the day. But she was right – I didn’t want my grandmother, I wanted my mom. My mom was the one I felt most comfortable with, and even though it was the same Campbell’s canned soup, chicken-noodle soup somehow tasted better when my mom made it.

When she retired a few years ago, she had nearly a year of sick time saved up from her 30 years of service. One year. And she could only cash out a tiny fraction of that time. She looked at that lost time as lost opportunity to be with me when I needed her. I’ve tried to tell her that I understood that she needed to work, but I don’t think she’s fully forgiven herself for it. I sometimes think she is trying to make up for that time by spending more time with her granddaughters now.

And so I’ve taken her advice and vowed to spend as much quality time with Cordy and Mira as I can. When one of them is sick, I do all I can to be there for them. And I remember that work will come and go, but nothing can replace the comfort a mother can provide to her children.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom. You probably don’t believe me, but I do actually hear your advice. Sometimes I even follow it. And I want you to know that while we may not have had as much time together as we both would have liked when I was a kid, it was always quality time.

me & my mom, 1976


New Blog Post, Now With MORE Evaluations!

Despite knowing that more than half of the adult world are parents, it’s easy to feel alone sometimes. Especially when your kid doesn’t follow that standard growth curve, be it physically, developmentally or socially. You want to talk to other parents about your child, but at the same time, you worry no one will understand. Or worse – they won’t care and instead judge your parenting in its place.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying thank you. Whenever I need advice, encouragement, or just someone to say I hear you, I can always turn to the blogging community for support. My previous post was mostly about me trying to process the news I had been given about Cordy, and all of your comments were very, very welcome. I was feeling a little alone and uncertain about what was the best course of action for her, so crying it out in a blog post seemed like a good way to work through it. It’s a lot of responsibility to make choices that could affect her entire life, and I often worry I’m making the wrong ones.

You’ve given me fresh ways of looking at the situation, new ideas to consider with her team, and a lot more hope that no matter what decision is made, it’ll all work out. This is the heart of blogging for me – the community – and I hope this aspect of blogging never goes away. I no longer feel alone; instead I’m empowered and know that I’m doing the right thing by carefully considering the options and continuing to educate myself more on each option.

At this point, a lot of my worrying is on hold until we find out what schools she’s offered acceptance into next year. Our school district has a lottery for schools, and we can apply for up to three. We’ll have to see what schools are even available to her. Depending on the lottery, she may not even have the choice of a special-needs classroom. Or if we really want to pursue that option, we’ll have to work with school officials to bend the rules to get her where she needs to be.

Instead, I now turn my attention to the question of summer camp. Cordy attended a mainstream summer camp last year with little difficulty (OK, there were a few bumps along the way…), but this year she’s old enough to be in the older kids camp, with a more rigorous schedule. I’m not sure if it would be the best fit or if we should consider a special-needs camp. I’ll be spending the next weeks researching all our options and likely doing more hand-wringing.

And then there’s Mira.

Not content to let her sister get all the attention, she had her own school district evaluation a few weeks ago, and just last week we received the results of that evaluation. A team of experts again convened around a table with me, and one by one they gave me their report on Mira.

(Spoiler: She doesn’t have autism. Not even a chance. At all. Nope, none. Just wanted to get that out there before we begin. Our purpose of the evaluation was to see if she qualified for further speech therapy.)

First, the psychologist explained that Mira scored on the high end of average range for social/emotional skills and adaptive behaviors. She knows how to play the social game, and she has a good grasp of imaginative play and daily living skills. No surprises here.

Then gross and fine motor skills were addressed. She is at the low end of average for both of these, but not behind enough to qualify her for special needs services. Both therapists explained that most of her problems with these areas were in motor planning, and depending on the results of speech would tie in with a diagnosis of speech apraxia.

Then the speech therapist started her presentation. She began with verbal comprehension, and explained that she’s never seen a child of Mira’s age score so high. She was easily working with concepts rated for a five- year-old, and the therapist said she probably could have handled the seven-year-old material but she stopped the test before that point, fearing that Mira would tire out before the other therapists had the chance to evaluate her.

At this point I was resigned to the idea of Mira not qualifying for any additional services. I was hoping she’d be offered some speech therapy through the school district, hoping we could cut back a little on the $100 a week we’re spending on her current speech therapy. But with such good evaluations – even possibly gifted in language! – it seemed unlikely they would want to help her speech issues.

But then the therapist brought up the area of articulation, which in Mira’s case she described as “a mess.” She drops a lot of consonant sounds, substitutes sounds for other consonants, and generally is very hard to understand. In terms of placing her on their scale, she ranked well below the cut off line for average.

Put the articulation and verbal comprehension scores together and she still is average, but in this case the therapist recommended the school district still provide services. They don’t want her to become frustrated at not being understood and then stop trying. We’re lucky that she’s a persistent little thing right now, repeating herself hundreds of times if needed until you understand what she’s trying to say.

So the final verdict was she has all of the signs of speech apraxia, which can be remedied by plenty of speech therapy. I’ll admit, I probably seemed far cooler about this news than they expected. But c’mon – a little speech delay? Pssh – that’s nothing. I can handle that! Did you meet my older daughter three years ago when she scared the school nurse with her violent meltdown? (Side note: the special ed teacher in the room DID meet my shrieking child three years prior, and still clearly remembers that day. She was the one who carried Mira into the building for me that day, and she’s ecstatic to hear of Cordy’s improvements.)

Our choices at this point for Mira are special-needs preschool or just speech therapy. They’re concerned she’ll be bored with her classmates in special-needs preschool, but the benefit is they can also offer her OT and PT to help those minor problems in gross and fine motor skills. Since it’s a half-day program, they recommended placing her in a typical half-day preschool for the other half of the day.

I’m leaning towards that option, only because they also promised me her teacher would be Cordy’s first preschool teacher, Miss Wally. (*Not her real name.) I may not have written much about her, but know that I’d walk through fire for that woman. She worked miracles with Cordy, and I remember last year we both cried – teacher and parent – on Cordy’s last day with her. She told me if Mira ever needed anything, I was to make sure they sent Mira to her. And now they plan to.

So it would appear I now have two children who are considered to be “not typical.” But I don’t mind. They are both awesome little girls, as different as the sun and the moon, and I’m glad I get to be their mother.

As a former quirky, nerdy girl who didn’t fit in, and possibly still doesn’t, these two girls couldn’t be more mine. Aaron would argue that he fits that quirky description, too. Which means we’re the perfect parents for them.

They may debate that statement when they’re teenagers.


Love in the Silence

I’ve been very lucky to have mostly healthy family members for most of my life. Other than Aunt Dot, I haven’t lost a major member of my family in many, many years. One of my grandfathers died before I was born, and the other died when I was Cordy’s age. Since then, immediate family members have kept on going and I’ve grown used to accepting they will always be in my life.

So when Aaron woke me up last weekend to tell me my mom had called, and that something had happened to one of my grandmothers (my mom’s mom), I immediately had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Filled with worry and panic, I called my mom back to find out what happened. They thought grandma had a stroke, she told me, and she can’t use her right leg. Her heart was also beating too fast. It was too soon to know how serious and what the long-term effects would be, but she seemed to not lose any cognitive ability.

I’ve spent the last week visiting my grandmother and getting daily updates from my mom. They confirmed that she did have a small stroke, and considering where the stroke happened in her brain, we’re very lucky it wasn’t more devastating. My grandmother started the week unable to walk, with right-sided weakness, but by mid-week was already learning to use a walker. They then moved to her to rehab, where they reported this weekend that she might get to go home as early as the end of the week if she keeps making progress.

My grandmother and I have never been very close, so my panicked reaction came as a little bit of a surprise to me. She comes from a time and place where emotions are held close and not shared with others, while I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was always too wild, too loud, too dramatic as a child, never able to live up to some unknown standard of how a child should behave, it seemed. She never understood what I was going through – no matter my complaint, I was always told how easy I had it compared to those who lived when she was a child. I could never impress her.

But she’s also my grandmother. When I was sick as a child, she was there even though I wanted my mom. And while she wasn’t as comforting, she did make me soup and read me stories as I laid on the couch. When we’d visit her house, I’d collect acorns in her backyard and pretend to make pies, and in the evening she’d measure me with her dressmaker’s measuring tape to see how much I’d grown, writing the numbers down on a plain white pad of paper.

In the past few years, I’ve listened more to her stories of her youth, trying to mentally take notes for myself. I vowed at Christmas to put my Flip camera to good use this year and videotape an interview with my grandmother, so we’d have a record of her life for posterity. Stories of growing up during the great depression in a poor farming family, stories of joining the ladies’ auxiliary unit of the Navy to support the war in WWII, and stories of raising three daughters on a farm with no running water, where if you wanted chicken for dinner, you had to go kill your own chicken. Last weekend I thought I may have missed my chance to save those stories.

Knowing that she’s getting her independence back so quickly gives me hope that she’ll be with us for a little while longer. Had she been forced to remain in a nursing home or assisted living, I doubt she would have lasted long. She’s a fiercely independent woman – she’s lived on her own for 34 years, ever since my grandfather died unexpectedly – and she’s not the type of person who could go on living if she couldn’t do it her way. As cold as it may sound, we all hope to someday (a long time from now!) find her dead in bed. No suffering, no long, drawn out decline or illness. It’s exactly how she’d want to go, and probably how my mom and my aunts want to go as well. That entire family prides itself on independence.

But despite our independent streak, my mom’s family is still a close one. My mom and aunts have been visiting my grandmother daily, keeping her spirits up, getting her whatever she needs, collecting her mail and keeping her house tidy while she’s gone. You’ll never see hugs exchanged, but they are there in our actions. You will never hear any I love you’s being said, but they are there in the silence between words. 

I’m thankful my grandmother is still with us for now, and I’ll do a better job of remembering that she won’t be with us forever, so we should appreciate all the little moments. As soon as she’s feeling better, I’ll be dusting off that Flip camera and preparing for one of the most important interviews I’ll ever conduct.

And two little girls will someday want to know more about their G.G.


Blissdom Musings

So last week was filled with a road-trip to Nashville for the Blissdom conference at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. Not only did this mean getting to catch up with so many bloggers I know and love, many of whom I consider friends, but it also meant several days away from work, bills, and the crippling stress I’ve been feeling lately. In other words: I desperately needed this trip.

First: the location was beautiful. The Opryland Hotel is too amazing to be believed. There is an indoor river, people. AN INDOOR RIVER. It’s like Las Vegas in Tennessee. And the conference had a lot of great perks, including a private concert by Harry Connick Jr. on Friday night.

There was also the unexpected perk(?) of the National Tea Party Conference also being held at the hotel that weekend, including a guest appearance by Sarah Palin. Despite my having vastly different political views from the tea party attendees, watching Catherine (Her Bad Mother) discuss political science with men dressed as George Washington and Paul Revere was worth the entire trip. (Drunk on glory, Catherine!)

I didn’t approach Blissdom this year like I’ve approached past blogging conferences. While I still cared about what I wore, I wasn’t frantically rush-ordering new business cards or thinking about what kind of swag I could give out to be noticed. My game plan for Blissdom was simple: have fun with friends, maybe meet some new friends, and learn more about blogging and/or myself.

I succeeded in my plan.

I laughed more in that half-week than I have in probably a month or more. I filled my days with friends and fun. After four years of knowing her online-only, I finally had the chance to hug Amy, aka Mrs. Chicken, in person. And in meeting her, I was relieved that she was everything and more that I expected her to be. Spending time with her was like visiting with an old friend, because at this point she is an old friend.

At past conferences, I was often more aggressive at seeking out new people and “networking” to build my blog presence. However, I’m burned out on networking for the goal of building a brand or blog audience or popularity or whatever is the current buzz word of the moment.

So I took a more laid back approach. I was happy to fall into conversations when it was natural. I loved being introduced to women that my friends already knew – in every case, I saw why my friends liked them and found myself liking these women in return. But I felt no need to force myself into a conversation, and most of the time I forgot to even give anyone my card unless they gave me theirs first.

(Also? I used up the few leftover business cards I brought with me. I will have to get more for the next conference.)

As for learning more about blogging? I did a little of that, too. While I was tempted to go to sessions on monetizing your blog and growing your readership, I instead decided to stick with the basics of how to write a good story and how to let my voice come through my writing. I think I’ve been fairly good at those in the past, but of late my story has been getting lost. I want to find that story again, somewhere in the fog of working night shifts and sleepless days. My own days aren’t coherent, and as a result my story is disjointed and fractured as well. I think finding my story again will go a long way towards my 2010 resolution/goal/whatever of finding happiness again.

Oh, and I also learned that I can get up the nerve to sing karaoke without a single drop of alcohol in me in front of a room full of women I adore and admire. That took a whole new level of bravery, but I’ll say I had a lot of fun and will likely do it again. (Thanks, Casey, for helping me get up the nerve to do it, and Mishi and Heather for joining me on stage!)

After the disillusionment I felt after BlogHer last year, I’m now looking forward to BlogHer 10. Blissdom, this smaller conference that reminded me a lot of BlogHer 06, helped me throw away all of the stress of jockeying for position with my blog and simply enjoy the community and friendships I’ve made along the journey thus far.

Blissdom was truly bliss.

Photo by Heather, Domestic Extraordinaire

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