You are here: Home / Archives for Family
Mar 24, 2009

Trust vs. Mistrust

By ·

In our couples counseling yesterday, our therapist diverted away from the primary topic and asked me, “You don’t have a lot of faith in people, do you?” That was an easy answer: no, I don’t. The harder question to answer is, “What has happened to you over your life to make you not trust others?”

I’m a mistrustful person by heart, sadly. Being burned many times over throughout my life, especially by those I thought to be loved ones, has taught me to hold myself at arms reach from others, questioning all motives and locking my gaze of inquisition on people until they are proven trustworthy.

Even when I was a child I learned not to expect anyone’s trust. Family members and friends let me down, or used words against me, or broke their word to keep secrets. Others forced me to keep secrets that I didn’t want to know in the first place. Several people were repeat offenders, and yet because they were close to me I continued to try trusting them, thinking that maybe this time would be different, although it never was. I only wish I could share those stories.

As a teenager, I was already more wary of people. I kept my thoughts to myself at first, waiting until friendships were well-formed before truly placing any trust in the person. But more often than not, those “friends” would quickly sell me out if something – or someone – better came along. During my high school graduation all I could think about was how happy I would be to get out of that town.

One friend borrowed things from me all the time, and then the one time I asked for something back, taking it off her nightstand, she said it was hers and accused me of trying to steal something that wasn’t mine. (Wha??) The guys I dated in high school and college? Nearly all cheated on me.

I’m not saying that everyone I’ve ever met has been untrustworthy. There were some nice people in high school. I have some very good friends who I could turn to for anything, as well as some family members who are the first I call when I need an ear.

As usual, the bad stands out more than the good, and those first reactions I learned from years of conditioning have taught me that most people will smile to your face and then laugh at you behind your back. I don’t like to immediately think that, but I was bitten far more than once to make me shy.

Which then leads me to ask: why do I blog? Why should I put myself out there for all to see, sharing thoughts I never say out loud, when I would never do it in person?

Well, at first I didn’t share too much about myself. The blog was mainly about the frustrations and joys of being a new parent – something anyone could relate to. But slowly I began sharing more of myself, and those teasing glimpses have led to my desire to run streaking through my blog, my thoughts naked for all to see.

You could say that blogging is my personal social experiment. Anyone could be reading this blog, but on the other hand, no one could be reading. I’m opening up before entirely trusting the reader partially because it is impossible to trust everyone passing through. I guess I’m teaching myself to be more of an open book, letting everything that has been trapped inside me out. It feels good.

And I’m learning that there are even more great people out there. Sure, trolls still exist and they’re a minor annoyance, but I can’t imagine not sharing most of me with many of you.

Hey, it’s far cheaper than even more therapy, right?

————–
And speaking of sharing most of me, please click over to Hot by Blogher and see how much my figure has changed in 22 days thanks to the 30 Day Shred and diet. I’ve lost only 5 pounds, and didn’t think I’d see much of a change until the photo proof was in front of me!

Family members are once again reminded that they should probably not follow that link, because there are photos of me in a sports bra, and you have to see me in person again someday. It’s better for all of us.

Filed Under: me me me, memories · Tagged:


Mar 20, 2009

Haiku Friday: Physical Challenge

By ·
Haiku Friday
I never thought I
would say this, but I think I’m
liking exercise

Years of groaning at
silly aerobics workouts
have now been replaced

The change? Finding a
group for motivation and
the right exercise

Running hurts my knees
And most videos have a
way too perky gal

Jillian Michaels
is my new hero – she can
kick my ass anytime

I’ve always hated exercise. The sweat, the ache, the huffing and puffing, and did I mention the sweat? Yuck. Add silly workout instructors to the mix, or boring machines where you walk or pedal to nowhere, and I’d rather exercise my fingers on my computer keyboard than even think about marching in place or Jazzercise.

But I finally think I’m getting the hang of this. Blond, perky fitness models do nothing to inspire me, and weight lifting is far more interesting to me than stepping up and down on a step bench to nowhere. I need a trainer who is no nonsense. I also must have other people to share the ordeal with.

Aaron has been working out with me this month, and while I thought it would be awkward, it’s actually very motivating to encourage each other to keep going. I’m also loving the support of the Shredheads group and my new Hot by BlogHer team.

In three weeks, I’ve lost weight, improved my cardio endurance, and I can see new muscle developing. And for once I feel that my body and I are working in unison. Here’s hoping this new habit sticks.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your main blog URL). DON’T sign unless you have a haiku this week. If you need help with this, please let me know.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button at the top.

REMEMBER: Do not post your link unless you have a haiku this week! I will delete any links without haiku!

Filed Under: me me me · Tagged:


Mar 19, 2009

St. Patrick’s Day Parade, in Photos

By ·
Cordy Irish girl t-shirtIt’s true, everyone does love an Irish girl

St. PatrickSt. Patrick

The girls love the St. Patrick's Day paradeMira amazed, Cordy patiently waiting for someone to throw candy from a float

Pipe & Drum band(that’s our friend Mike playing the snare drum)

Happy sisters watching the parade

Filed Under: Cordy, daily life, Mira ·


Mar 17, 2009

The Journey To Sisterhood

By ·

Yesterday I read a post by Liz at Mom101 that made me think back to the early days of when Mira was a newborn and Cordy was a wild, intense, temperamental 2.75 year old. Those first weeks were a complete blur of emotion and sleeplessness for me as I tried to adjust to meeting the needs of a new little person and her big sister, who was needy in different ways.

The thing that broke my heart when Mira was little was Cordy’s complete lack of acknowledgment of her new sister. It was like Mira didn’t exist to her. Of course, this was also pre-evaluation when Cordy didn’t notice other kids most of the time either. I would sit on the couch, holding Mira and asking Cordy to come say hi to her new sister, only to have Cordy come say hi to me, not understanding this little wrapped up bundle in my arms was another human being.

Completely unaware of the other human being right next to her

It took months for Cordy to notice Mira, and all progress was tied directly to her progress in therapy in her preschool. As she ventured out of her internal world, the external world came into focus, and with that world her little sister, who desperately wanted the attention of this big kid in her space.

I remember when Cordy would run laps in the living room while Mira was in her exersaucer – as Cordy would come closer, Mira’s face would brighten with a smile and her arms would wave wildly to get Cordy’s attention. As Cordy ran past, Mira’s smile would fade to a slightly confused, slightly down expression, realizing she hadn’t been noticed. Repeat x 100.

I would cry at night, thinking this distance between my two girls would be permanent and Cordy’s emotional distance would prevent them from ever being close.

If we don’t make eye contact, she doesn’t exist.

Ever so slowly, though, Cordy recognized Mira. She would hear Mira cry and say, “Mira’s hungry!” Or hold Mira’s hands and move her arms back and forth like she was a toy. I then caught her hugging Mira once. Then instead of eating Mira’s snacks, she would feed one to Mira. For her part, Mira never gave up on Cordy, always initiating contact with the older girl who seemed unreachable at times.

But now. I can only say we’ve come a long, long way. Cordy still doesn’t always understand that Mira has feelings too, but she recognizes Mira as her little sister and as a fellow person. I’ll credit part of that to Cordy’s therapy, part of it to typical kid behaviors and maturation, and part of it to Mira’s insistence that Cordy WILL pay attention to her, dammit, even if she has to sit on her. They occasionally play together, and even if it is (usually) too rough, they both giggle until someone inevitably cries, and then they go back to wrestling and giggling again.

They are now sisters.

Filed Under: Autism, Cordy, growing up, love, Mira, sisterhood ·


Mar 15, 2009

Middle-of-the-Night Ghostly Visits

By ·

When it comes to bedtime, we’ve been fairly lucky. As a toddler, Cordy went to bed without complaint each night, happily chattering away to her stuffed animals in her crib until she fell asleep. Even now she rarely protests much.

When she does object to bedtime, it’s usually expressed as some reason why she can’t go to her bed. Now that the switch has been made to daylight savings time, the sun is still up when she goes to bed at 7pm, leading to protests of, “I can’t go to bed – the sun is still awake!”

But really, going to bed is a minor problem. The real problem is keeping her in bed in the middle of the night. Her sleep pattern is very odd – she usually wants to go to bed around 7pm, then wakes around 11pm for a couple of hours. Around 1am she’s snoozing again until 3 or 4am, when she’s awake for another hour or so before dozing off and on until 7am or so.

The second wake-up is often the hardest, as it is close enough to morning that she sometimes wants to be up for the day, and will wander into our room. Cordy then stands right next to the bed and stares at me until I wake up.

Does anyone else have a child stare them awake? Is it not the creepiest thing you’ve ever experienced?

At this point Cordy will tell me “Mommy, it’s a beautiful day!” with her biggest electric smile, as if that will somehow convince me to get out of bed at 4am. When Aaron and I try to explain that it’s still night and she needs to go back to sleep, we can usually expect to hear “But I can’t – my eyes are open!” or “I can’t – I’m afraid of the dark!” She keeps her overhead light on half the night, so it’s not like her room is dark.

Last night I groggily opened my eyes to see her running up to the bed, eyes wide and with a worried expression. I glanced at the clock, and still remember the glowing green light said 4:24 am.

“Mommy, I saw a ghost.”

“Cordy, there are no ghosts. Go back to bed, it’s still too early.”

“I saw a ghost, mommy. I’m scared – can I get in bed with you?”

That was a first. She’s never claimed to see a ghost before. I asked Aaron what he thought. Usually anytime she wants to get into bed with us, it involves a lot of kicking, squirming, and talking to herself. She never goes to sleep. We decided to let her into bed and see what happened.

For the first time, she actually fell asleep in our bed. And I’m not sure if that was better than the squirming and kicking, because while Aaron still had his entire side of the bed, Cordy pushed me to the edge, giving me about two inches of space. And she snored loudly.

At least one of us got some sleep.

Parent Bloggers and Sylvania are collecting stories of your kids’ best excuses to avoid bedtime this weekend. If you share your story, you could win one of two Sylvania light packages!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Filed Under: Cordy, daily life ·