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Sep 5, 2008

Haiku Friday: Not Fair

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I sneeze and sniffle
I can’t breathe and my head hurts
This is so not fair

The weather is hot
so why am I suffering
from a stupid cold?

Colds are for winter
Not summer – I can blame this
on my one year old.

She had the sniffles
first – guess that’s what I get for
sharing food with her

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your main blog URL). DON’T sign unless you have a haiku this week. If you need help with this, please let me know.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button at the top.

REMEMBER: Do not post your link unless you have a haiku this week! I will delete any links without haiku!

Filed Under: Haiku Fridays, me me me · Tagged:


Sep 2, 2008

Who Am I?

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Several days ago, I was speaking with a friend who has recently started blogging. (I won’t get into the weirdness of having my internet life and local life crashing together yet again. Very odd.) Anyway, we were chatting about writing styles and such, and she said something that really took me by surprise:

“You’re different in person than you are on your blog.”

Hmmm…

So naturally, I’ve been dwelling on this for days. It’s not her fault – being giving feedback on myself tends to make me look inwards and evaluate the criticism. (Criticism here meaning an analysis, not necessarily something negative.) In other words, lots of navel gazing and living inside my head.

I know that neither the internet me or the everyday me provides the full picture of who I am. After all, in everyday life there are details of our personalities we hide from the public and other aspects we try to play up. But on the internet, parts of my inner self are kept private that might otherwise be common knowledge among friends I see in Columbus. For example, I feel comfortable sharing my depression with all of you, but it’s something I try to hide with people I talk with in everyday life. My relationship with Aaron is something I’d talk about casually with friends in-person – on this blog, however, many details are censored.

Do any of us ever show our true selves to anyone? I wonder if my online voice is closer to the real me than the person I am while walking through the grocery or chatting with friends at a party? Online I don’t have to feel self-conscious about my appearance. I have the luxury of taking time with my words, re-writing them if needed instead of dealing with a mouth that moves faster than the brain can put together complete thoughts. I have more control over what I will share and what I won’t share.

And now we come to the group participation part of this narcissism. I want your opinions: do you think your online persona is different from your “real-life” personality? If so, which do you think is closer to the person you consider the true you?

(Also, am I the only one who thinks crazy things like this?)

Filed Under: me me me ·


Aug 20, 2008

Racing Through The Fog

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I really don’t have time to be depressed right now.

August is shaping up to be one of the busiest months for me, and only an Olympic-sized effort is going to get me through to the end of the month finish line with everything accomplished.

In exactly one week school begins for Cordy, and I’m completely unprepared at the moment. It’s not like I really need that much to be prepared – there are no crazy lists of supplies each child must have, including the requisite three boxes of Kleenex. She really only needs a backpack, plenty of pull-ups, and a good pair of shoes. Her feet have spent most of the summer in the freedom of sandals, due to my own obsession with summer sandals. (Am I alone in this? Foot claustrophobia is real, people. My feet must be free.)

I do worry that the emotional preparations for going back to school will be far harder. While she loved preschool last year, and will be returning to the same teacher and many of the same classmates, it’s still another transition that we must face. We’ve discussed it daily, and each time she brushes it off, saying, “I never want to go to school.” I may try giving her teacher a call this week to see if we can come visit the classroom before school starts, so Cordy can re-acquaint herself with the room before adding in the additional stress of several kids.

I’ve procrastinated on several writing projects and now must force myself to finish them and move them off my plate. They’re not difficult at all – getting the motivation to sit down and write is the hardest part. The overwhelming feelings of inadequacy attack every time I try to write something, telling me I’m not good enough to be paid to write, and anything I turn in will be rejected and laughed at. I know it’s not true, but that little voice has become very loud and persistent. I need to find a muzzle for it.

I’m so angry with myself for being depressed. Random crying fits and the energy of a sloth aren’t conducive to getting all of this done. I want to shake it off, get working, and be in overdrive again. I’m paralyzed by my thoughts. Being held down by your own emotions feels worse than being oppressed by any outside force.

I’ve called my doctor to inquire about going back on antidepressants. I have a prescription for Wellbutrin sitting in my patient file, but when I checked with local pharmacies, the cheapest price for the generic version is $130 for 30 days. (!!) My doctor will be calling me back tomorrow to discuss options. Should have figured that the antidepressant that works best for me isn’t one of the $4 generics that pharmacies offer.

Thank you all for your support on my last post. That virtual hug from so many was a very soothing feeling, and I see I’m not alone in fighting with this monster at the moment. I hope those of you who are also feeling the sting of depression can find the help you need, too.

Knowing there is this community of support is what keeps me coming back to blogging, even when I feel like I have nothing worth saying.

And because I do have a pathological need to end on a hopeful note, I will add that Aaron has another job interview tomorrow. It would be a good position for him with a great employer. Fingers are already crossed.

Filed Under: clearly insane, Cordy, daily life, me me me ·


Aug 18, 2008

There Are No Rainbows and Unicorns Here

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I should have known the monster was lurking in the shadows.

Lately I’ve felt out-of-sorts. It started innocently enough – I could blame my uneasy moods and little dark cloud over my head on our employment situation. (Still no jobs yet, by the way.) I might have felt the cold breath of it on the back of my neck at BlogHer.

But over the past week I’ve started running little self-checks in my head, and I didn’t like the results. I’m having trouble keeping up with everything. I’m short-tempered with the girls. I’m occasionally finding a nearly empty box of Cheez-its in my hand with no idea where they all went. Cleaning up the house seems so pointless.

I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. I’m lazy at getting back to e-mails, comments, and even phone calls.

Trying to write a blog post is an actual chore. When I do write anything down, I hate every word I write, unable to find the right words, put them in the right combination, or find the right hook to really capture attention. When I read my own posts, I feel like a broken record. I’m still reading blogs, but I feel like I have so little to contribute that I’m rarely commenting. I feel empty inside.

It really hit me when I was on a conference call about depression with Dr. Myrna Weissman and Families for Depression Awareness. I listened, asked questions, and as the call continued, I started to realize it: I’ve lost interest in activities I enjoy. I fit all of the symptoms.

I’m depressed.

Again.

It was so sneaky this time. Taking advantage of the bad times, and piggybacking on a few negative feelings, growing and feeding them until they were big, bad Negative Feelings.

I’ve also tried to deny it for some time now. After all, I don’t have time to be depressed. I can’t put my life on hold to deal with this. We don’t even have insurance right now. I need to be in overdrive right now for my family – depression does not figure in this plan.

But the monster is out of the closet, and it has completely overtaken me. The last time I was depressed was when I was pregnant with Cordy. It took me by surprise then, too. After all, I was pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, and it was what I really wanted – shouldn’t I be over-the-moon happy? I was put on antidepressants while pregnant and continued them through Cordy’s first year to prevent postpartum depression.

I was expecting to be depressed again when pregnant with Mira, but I wasn’t. Once she was born, I had some normal postpartum sadness, but it quickly faded and there was no sign of depression. Now over a year later, it seems to have caught up with me, like an unwanted visitor you hope won’t show up for the party.

I hate this. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t know what to do about it right now, either. As soon as a job with insurance materializes I can get myself to the pharmacy for antidepressants again, I guess. In the meantime, I need to keep pushing through each day, getting all of my work done with minimal lateness and making efforts to be social.

So I guess what I’m saying is I hope you’ll please bear with me as I work through this. I’m sorry I’m sucking at being a good blog friend right now. I’ve spent 10 minutes trying to find an end for this post, something that puts an upbeat end to it, but I’m at a loss this time.

I want to feel like me again soon, instead of this hollow shell of me.

Filed Under: big issues, me me me ·


Jul 16, 2008

Hot By BlogHer: Less Than 24 Hours Left

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I’ll be leaving the house at o’dark-thirty tomorrow morning for my flight to BlogHer. So I guess it’s too late to attempt to lose another 10 pounds quickly, isn’t it?

That’s OK, though. I’m ready. Did I lose weight over the past few months? Yes, I did – about 10 pounds. Did I gain some muscle, too? I think so. I’m eating better on a daily basis now, and thanks to Aaron being unemployed, I’m eating far less fast food, too! Exercise, while still not a daily event, is at least a 2-3 times a week activity. Those are all big changes for me. And the results are visible.

No magical transformation to see here, though. I’m still me, just lighter than I was at the last two BlogHers, and a little more confident. But there is a little more muscle tone, and my face is brighter. I’ve got a decent haircut now, thanks to the Aveda Institute, and today I had the chance to relax and de-stress through a facial. (Gift certificates are wonderful things.)

I’m glad I had this event to motivate me. I’m planning to keep up the efforts, even though it’ll no longer be Hot by BlogHer. Not unless I’m starting early for next year.

So if you’re going to BlogHer, look for me. I’ll brave enough to wear sleeveless tops, but best of all, I’m keeping to my word to wear a sundress. (I don’t care that the high is in the mid-60’s for San Francisco. That’s near-perfect for me.) I think I’m going to look pretty damn good in that dress, too. Here’s a hint of what to look for:


Let’s rock this party!

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