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Feb 25, 2010

Hibernating

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My blogging has been a little sparse of late. And it’s not for a lack of material, but for lack of concentrated focus, blurred by a dark cloud hanging over my head. It’s not the traditional depression I’ve faced in the past, but a sort of winter hibernation – an unwillingness to do little more than crack an eye open at the world going past as I pull inward, regroup, and hope for spring to get here soon.

Aaron’s job is going well, thank goodness. He likes the work, they appear to like him, and he has high hopes that come April he will be brought on as a permanent member of the team. The only downside is it has put more stress on our schedule, forcing us to shuffle the kids around between the two of us depending on the day, and making it impossible for us to spend a lot of quality time together as we maximize our distance to reduce our babysitting bill.

My own job has left me feeling some anxiety as of late. There are questions if the birth center at this small hospital will remain open beyond this year due to a budget so far in the red it may be impossible to dig out. Beyond that, I still don’t feel like I have a good handle on the job, and while I have many incredibly talented coworkers, I worry there isn’t enough experience between us should a true emergency walk in the door. I’m in a constant state of tired, too, leaving me wishing for the happier days of part-time work.

Cordy has been showing some improvement with the medication from her clinical research study. She’ll now sit at the table to color or work in a workbook for extended periods of time. And she’s reading and writing now! (Photos of her first works of art/writing to come as soon as I can get them scanned.)

Mira’s ability to be understood grows each week, although her weekly speech therapy bill is growing just as fast. I’m thankful to have health insurance, but it’s not a lot of help at first with a high deductible. Glad to know I’m paying $250 a month so I can continue to pay for the $100 therapy bills for Mira. Health care reform, anyone? But despite her speech issues, she’s just as impish as ever. She doesn’t need to be understood to still be capable of tormenting her big sister and pulling some of the greatest two-year-old bipolar moments I’ve ever seen.

I don’t think this down feeling will last forever. We’ll find our stride as a family again soon, and I’ll claw my way back to balance and back to happiness – something I remember I said would be my goal for 2010.

And despite my silence here, I’ve been quietly blogging updates on other side projects. I have new posts up at Ohio Moms Blog, and I started a new weight-loss blog. Remember Hot By BlogHer? Well, now it’s morphed into a more general, free-of-firm-deadlines, weight-loss blog, Losing My Hind. I’m also still doing a few reviews on Mommy’s Must Haves, where right now I have a fabulous giveaway for meat lovers.

So unlike bears in the wild, feel free to poke this sleeping mama-bear, and maybe she’ll force herself out of hibernation and back into the sunshine of the social world. Because it’s when I’m quiet and simply peeking at all of the world around me that I notice just how much I need my social network.

Filed Under: me me me ·


Feb 11, 2010

Blissdom Musings

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So last week was filled with a road-trip to Nashville for the Blissdom conference at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. Not only did this mean getting to catch up with so many bloggers I know and love, many of whom I consider friends, but it also meant several days away from work, bills, and the crippling stress I’ve been feeling lately. In other words: I desperately needed this trip.

First: the location was beautiful. The Opryland Hotel is too amazing to be believed. There is an indoor river, people. AN INDOOR RIVER. It’s like Las Vegas in Tennessee. And the conference had a lot of great perks, including a private concert by Harry Connick Jr. on Friday night.

There was also the unexpected perk(?) of the National Tea Party Conference also being held at the hotel that weekend, including a guest appearance by Sarah Palin. Despite my having vastly different political views from the tea party attendees, watching Catherine (Her Bad Mother) discuss political science with men dressed as George Washington and Paul Revere was worth the entire trip. (Drunk on glory, Catherine!)

I didn’t approach Blissdom this year like I’ve approached past blogging conferences. While I still cared about what I wore, I wasn’t frantically rush-ordering new business cards or thinking about what kind of swag I could give out to be noticed. My game plan for Blissdom was simple: have fun with friends, maybe meet some new friends, and learn more about blogging and/or myself.

I succeeded in my plan.

I laughed more in that half-week than I have in probably a month or more. I filled my days with friends and fun. After four years of knowing her online-only, I finally had the chance to hug Amy, aka Mrs. Chicken, in person. And in meeting her, I was relieved that she was everything and more that I expected her to be. Spending time with her was like visiting with an old friend, because at this point she is an old friend.

At past conferences, I was often more aggressive at seeking out new people and “networking” to build my blog presence. However, I’m burned out on networking for the goal of building a brand or blog audience or popularity or whatever is the current buzz word of the moment.

So I took a more laid back approach. I was happy to fall into conversations when it was natural. I loved being introduced to women that my friends already knew – in every case, I saw why my friends liked them and found myself liking these women in return. But I felt no need to force myself into a conversation, and most of the time I forgot to even give anyone my card unless they gave me theirs first.

(Also? I used up the few leftover business cards I brought with me. I will have to get more for the next conference.)

As for learning more about blogging? I did a little of that, too. While I was tempted to go to sessions on monetizing your blog and growing your readership, I instead decided to stick with the basics of how to write a good story and how to let my voice come through my writing. I think I’ve been fairly good at those in the past, but of late my story has been getting lost. I want to find that story again, somewhere in the fog of working night shifts and sleepless days. My own days aren’t coherent, and as a result my story is disjointed and fractured as well. I think finding my story again will go a long way towards my 2010 resolution/goal/whatever of finding happiness again.

Oh, and I also learned that I can get up the nerve to sing karaoke without a single drop of alcohol in me in front of a room full of women I adore and admire. That took a whole new level of bravery, but I’ll say I had a lot of fun and will likely do it again. (Thanks, Casey, for helping me get up the nerve to do it, and Mishi and Heather for joining me on stage!)

After the disillusionment I felt after BlogHer last year, I’m now looking forward to BlogHer 10. Blissdom, this smaller conference that reminded me a lot of BlogHer 06, helped me throw away all of the stress of jockeying for position with my blog and simply enjoy the community and friendships I’ve made along the journey thus far.

Blissdom was truly bliss.

Photo by Heather, Domestic Extraordinaire

Filed Under: Blissdom, love, me me me, memories, people who don't suck, sisterhood · Tagged:


Dec 31, 2009

Buh-Bye 2009 & A Look Ahead

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Another year, another decade, gone. Seems a lot of people are really glad to see 2009 on its last few hours. Me? Eh, I could take it or leave it. No matter how I look at it, it didn’t suck as much as 2008 did.

Sure, Aaron was still mostly unemployed for all of 2009. And the first half of the year was quite a struggle for us financially. Cordy had a roller-coaster of a summer with camp, and then broke a tooth and had to endure general anesthesia to fix it.

But there were several good things that happened this year, too.

I graduated from nursing school. I got a job. And health insurance for the family again. Our cars continued to function. (Knocking on wood furiously at this point.) Cordy started full-day pre-K and is making a lot of progress. I ran/walked my first 5K and lost 20 lb. with the Shredheads. I got to travel to Blissdom and BlogHer and roomed with some fabulous women. And right before Christmas, Aaron was offered a job that we hope will be an amazing opportunity for him.

Yeah, 2009 wasn’t too bad. But I’d like to think it was a transition year between the suck of 2008 and my wish for a lot of good in 2010.

Resolutions generally aren’t my thing, but if I had to pick one for next year, it would be to find more happiness and balance in my life. While I’m glad that I found a job after graduation and have been able to keep our finances afloat as a result, I’m finding that going back to work hasn’t given me all of the satisfaction I was hoping for. I mean, I like what I do, but my work/life balance is utterly screwed up right now.

I miss my girls fiercely, wanting to be more directly involved in their care like I used to be, yet too tired to be a fully-functioning parent. I’m a zombie on my days off, going through the motions despite my best attempts to wake up. Cordy could use more assistance reinforcing her therapy from school, and Mira needs more help from me with her speech. I used to do those things. I hate not being the mom that my two daughters deserve.

I also want to be better to myself, too. I’m doing far less of the stuff I like, and more of the stuff I have to do. Now, I know that no one can escape the boring responsibilities of adult life, but it shouldn’t completely take over my life, either. I haven’t been blogging as much, I haven’t kept in touch with friends as well as I should, I haven’t given Aaron as much attention as he deserves, and I rarely get to enjoy hobbies I used to love. I’m a shell of my former self.

So 2010 is my journey back to balance. I want to reach the end of 2010 and find myself satisfied with where I am at that point in my life. I have no idea how I’ll get there – whether it be a mental adjustment or more drastic actions – but I will find balance again and find my way back to happy. I’ll have more quality time with my family, I’ll do more I enjoy, my family will be happy as well, and strangely enough, it all turns out well.

How?

I don’t know. It’s a mystery.

Here’s to a fabulous 2010 that will put all previous years to shame for prosperity, joy and greatness.

Filed Under: holidays, me me me ·


Dec 10, 2009

Dear Santa, I Want A New Computer

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OK, I know that’s not exactly an easy request. Your toy factory likely hasn’t fully converted to the digital age of electronics, and what conversions you have made are probably overwhelmed with requests for things like XBox, Wii, and iPhones.

And I know I haven’t been as good of a blogger as I could be, but I don’t think I’m on the naughty list yet. I’m still posting once a week, and I’m doing my best to keep my Bloglines under 1,000 unread posts. (Currently 931!) Work has consumed a lot of my time now, but that doesn’t mean my computer has been gathering dust.

Santa, let me present a few reasons why I need my new computer:

1. I bought this laptop to replace the three-day old laptop that was stolen when our house was robbed in 2006. It’s now over three years old. In laptop computer years, that means it’s practically prehistoric. And I’d still like to move on and forget that traumatic moment in my life.

2. My CD-ROM stopped working over a year ago. Generally not a big deal, but every now and then it frustrates me when I can’t upload a CD into iTunes.

3. About two months ago an intermittent grinding/whining noise started coming from my computer. It comes and goes, but occasionally is loud enough to make everyone else in the room stop and stare, thinking What got trapped in your laptop fan and is dying a slow, painful death?

4. Battery power? Ha. This baby lasts less than five minutes on battery. You can’t even finish the start-up sequence before it gives you the low-battery warning and shuts down.

5. Last month my media card reader stopped working. Instead of popping my SD card from my camera into the media card slot to view photos of my adorable children, I now must go through a series of steps that involves the SD card, Aaron’s computer, a flash drive, and my computer.

6. As of yesterday, the computer refuses to hibernate when closed. Instead, it remains on unless I turn it off completely.

7. As if that wasn’t enough, there’s this:


Did I mention I like taking photos of my adorable children?

So, Santa, if you wouldn’t mind, could I please, please, please have a new computer for Christmas? I’ve already used a backup device to save my files, all ready to be transferred to a shiny new hard drive when the times comes. Don’t leave a girl stranded without her technology, Santa.

(No, I’m not begging anyone in particular, other than Santa Claus. I still believe, Santa!)

Filed Under: holidays, me me me · Tagged:


Nov 3, 2009

Perspective

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When I was a teen, growing up in a small Ohio town that I considered (back then) to be backwards, small-minded, and too confining for me, I dreamed of getting out of there and living a grand life. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but whatever it was, it was going to be exciting, it was going to open my world to new ideas and cultures, and I would never look back. Life would be one new experience after another.

It was also during that time in my life that I never planned to grow old. (I also was in my “Kids? NEVER!” phase of life.) No, I didn’t mean I was going to find some fountain of youth – I actually thought that I would die before I ever had the chance to crack a wrinkle on my face. Growing old seemed uninteresting, and losing my vitality and my ability to keep up with the world was my greatest fear. Instead, going out in a blaze of glory while I was still young was far more appealing.

Let’s not forget that, as a teen, 30 seemed old.

After I graduated high school, I didn’t have quite the exciting life I dreamed up in my room at night. But I did do some cool things in my late teens and early 20’s. I went to a university where I met people who were vastly different than those from my small hometown, and I did open my mind to new thoughts and ideas. I dyed my hair every shade of red imaginable. I spent a summer in England, almost refusing to go back home at the end.

I drove really, really fast. I conquered my fear of heights and did a bungee cord free-fall. I became a modern-day pseudo-hippie and joined the cast of a renaissance festival for nearly 10 years. I still had the motto that life was short and I wasn’t planning on seeing old age.

And then I found a man I loved, and we married and had children.

The teen me never expected that part.

Now I’m in my thirties, with two young daughters, and I can’t imagine that life I dreamed up when I was younger. I’m more cautious now. I still drive fast, but only a little over the speed limit, and less so when the kids are in the car. I care about things like nutrition and I see my doctor regularly. I stopped dying my hair when I was pregnant and haven’t really gone back since. Surprisingly, I think I like the somewhat-routine life I’ve shaped in Columbus, Ohio, even if it is a little boring at times.

But I’m still struggling with the idea of aging. Part of the problem is I still feel like a teen at times. I’m still (mostly) in touch with pop culture: I listen to pop music, I love The Vampire Diaries, and I think I’m a pretty good texter. When someone looks to me as a voice of experience, I’m always surprised because I feel like I’m still the inexperienced one in all things. It amazes me to realize that teens now are closer to Cordy in age than they are to me. High school was half a lifetime ago. Wow. It doesn’t seem that long. I can’t really be in my thirties, can I?

As for dying young – are you kidding me? I have a family who needs me! I have two little girls to raise! At this point I’m trying to live to at least 100, if not 150!

This morning I opened a box from the mail and found a sample of anti-aging face cream. As I examined my face in the mirror, I knew I’d passed the imaginary “old” line that I drew in the sands of time as a teen. I have small wrinkles around my eyes now, probably from excessive laughing and never wearing my sunglasses. My skin is beginning to sag at my jawline, excess from my years of never turning down a pizza party or going to get ice cream with friends. My tweezers can no longer fight back the white hairs sprouting from my temples. (OK, those I blame entirely on my children.) And let’s not forget those damn dark hairs I have to pluck from my chin and neck – where did those even COME FROM?

Truth is, I am the person anti-aging creams are aimed at. Not my grandmother, or my mom – ME. And it means I’m growing old. Those who know me in person know I’m not exactly vain – I’m about as low-maintenance as they come. I rarely wear make-up and I don’t spend a lot of time on my appearance. However, I now understand why these creams and potions are so popular. I don’t want to wrinkle, I don’t want to slow down, but most of all, I don’t want to acknowledge in any way that I’m creeping ever closer to old age and the end of my days. (Even if that time is a LONG, LONG, LONG way away.)

While I dislike getting older, the thought of not being here at all scares me far more. At this point in my life, I’ll do whatever it takes to live longer and be healthy enough to be here for my family. Forget exciting and adventurous – watching my children grow and learn is far more fulfilling. I’ll take reading books to my kids over backpacking in the Scottish highlands (nearly) any day now. I expect to be there for them through all of the challenges life throws their way. My family has given me an entirely new direction in my life.

I’m glad the life plans I drew up as a teen never materialized. I like being a mom and I appreciate my normal, often-not-exciting life. And while I may not like the wrinkles and what they remind me of, there will always be anti-wrinkle cream for that, right?

Edited to add: Now that I’ve written about how I always feel like the inexperienced one, David Wescott tries to prove me wrong honors me by naming me as one of his female role models. Considering the amazing women I’m listed with, I can only say thank you and I hope I’ll continue to prove that I deserve to be among that group.

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Filed Under: me me me, memories, more than parents ·