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Feb 1, 2011

I Am Enough

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I survived Blissdom.

Actually, it would be more accurate to write I thrived at Blissdom. More than once during the conference I found myself saying, “This is bliss.” From the beautiful setting of the Opryland hotel, to the chair massages and manicures, to the lobster bisque provided in the expo area, to seeing and spending time with so many women I love and respect, it was a wonderful experience.

The first post I write post-conference is always hard. I’ve been surrounded by so much talent for days that I’m both inspired and intimidated when I stare at the blank New Post screen. So much I want to say, and yet so much anxiety that I could never say it as well as others and never will be able to match them in their gift for the written word.

This time, however, I had the privilege of listening to Brene Brown during the opening keynote. Thanks to her wise words I was given a new outlook on being vulnerable, and found comfort in the simple phrase, “I am enough.”

Because let’s face it: I’ve never been enough. My entire life has been filled with not being enough. I was a smart child, but I wasn’t quite a genius, so it wasn’t good enough for some who were supposed to have loved me. I was socially awkward, which wasn’t good enough for my peers. I wasn’t enough for someone to love with all of their heart, and so I was cheated on in relationships. It was easy to internalize all of those messages into one great big feeling of inadequacy, knowing there was always someone who was better at anything I did.

Those feelings of shame are good at building a protective little cocoon around a bruised and battered ego. But in doing so, the real person gets buried deep behind the protective walls, barricaded against vulnerability. Turns out, though, being vulnerable can be kind of freeing. Being vulnerable lets your unique light shine through to everyone. And in listening to Brene Brown speak, I came to a conclusion that I’ve been working towards for years now: I don’t have to live up to the expectations of others, or live in anyone’s shadow. I can be enough for me and for those who matter the most to me.

I want to be more vulnerable, to worry less about how others see me and more about how I see my progress towards my own happiness. It’s a big step to take, having hidden so many of my quirks for so long as I tried to conform to everyone else’s ideals. But I have a very quirky autistic daughter. Cordy is quickly reaching an age where she will become aware of just how different she is. I don’t want her to suffer through shame as she forces herself to conform and then fails to reach the gold standard of “good enough” to everyone else. I want her to be happy with herself, and that will be a hard message to teach if I can’t walk the walk myself.

It’s not too often that you come home from a blogging conference with a new outlook on life. I’m looking forward to what I can discover about myself.

Dare to be stupid. (Thank you, Weird Al.) Dare to fail. It’s time to stop being scared of what others will think. Welcome to my blog, folks. I don’t promise enlightenment from reading this, and I don’t even promise you’ll like me. But that’s OK. I can’t be everything to everyone.

I am enough.

Filed Under: Blissdom, Cordy, me me me ·


Jan 25, 2011

The Pre-Conference Freak Out

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The past few days I’ve been in pre-conference mode, scurrying around here and there trying to get everything in place before I leave for the Blissdom Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. This involves a lot of last minute personal prep, including hair cut, eyebrow wax, and wardrobe selection (aka: OMG I have NOTHING to WEAR!) as well as laundry, grocery shopping, and last minute checks to make sure the family will get by while I’m away.

Yes – I do trust my husband to keep things running while I’m gone. But if I can make it a little easier for him, I will. Because no matter how hard he tries, I know he’ll still have to encounter resistance from Mira, who will miss her mommy with the fire of a thousand suns and give him enough attitude to fill an entire preschool classroom. She loves her daddy, but Mira is totally mommy’s girl.

Although I will be sure to leave him a reminder list a mile long, too. Not because I don’t trust him, just because he’s not as neurotic as me. He doesn’t walk the house twice each night making sure every door is locked. Or make sure the fireplace is off after going to bed when he can’t remember for certain that he did turn it off. Or peek in on the girls to make sure they didn’t come up with some fire hazard in their room before going to sleep.

What? You mean all moms don’t do that?

Truthfully, I have far greater fears over the next few days. First, I’m terrified that I’m going to look awful at Blissdom. These conferences are filled with so many beautiful women, and it’s easy for me to get intimidated because 1. I have no sense of fashion and therefore am often under dressed, and 2. have no ability to apply makeup without making myself look like a clown. You’d think that after attending so many conferences I’d have this down by now, but alas, it’s not yet the case. (Although in my defense, I’ll add that I’m getting better at it!)

I’d say I’m also afraid of the intense social interaction coming my way, but that’s really not the case. Sure, I’ll still have a lot of social anxiety, but I do a great impression of looking calm on the outside when I’m nervous on the inside. Past conferences have helped me master my social anxiety, and other than a little bit of conference-ADD, I’m usually pretty good at striking up a conversation. Just don’t ask me to remember your name – I’m lousy at names.

But my greatest fear is having to get on a plane Wednesday morning. I’m completely breaking my own rules about flying for this year’s Blissdom. My rules for flying are simple: no flying anywhere I couldn’t drive in a reasonable amount of time. Reasonable usually includes anything in a 12 hour radius, sometimes 16 depending on how long I’ll be staying while I’m away. I have never liked flying, will never like it, and will always take any steps to minimize

Nashville is only a 6 hour drive, and I had every intention to drive it. Then I realized that driving it would require me to take another day off work. (And my vacation days are unpaid – that’s expensive!) And then I realized it costs $18 a day to park at Opryland, which combined with the gas to get there is also expensive. And THEN I saw that I could fly there for $49 each way – NOT expensive!

So I’m ashamed to say that the almighty dollar is apparently stronger than my convictions against flying. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, to those I’ll be seeing in Nashville – take pity on me if I look like a Midwestern rodeo clown, and I look forward to us having a great time. And to those I won’t be seeing at Blissdom – know that I wish you could all be there with me!

Filed Under: Blissdom, clearly insane, me me me ·


Jan 6, 2011

Resolutions Are For Quitters

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Well, look at that. It’s 2011. And I totally missed out on the whole end-of-the-year wrap up and making resolutions for the new year. Good thing I didn’t resolve to be more timely with my posts, or I’d already be a failure.

Actually, I think it’s for the best if I don’t make any resolutions this year. After all, most resolutions end up forgotten or quietly swept under the rug before the after-Valentine’s Day chocolates clearance at Target, so why would I set myself up to be reminded that my life is too complicated and busy for lines drawn in the sand and declarations etched in stone?

That doesn’t mean I have no plans for this new year, though. Oh no, I’ve got a lot riding on this year, and I expect great things before Santa returns in 2011.

Last year I took the progress I had made towards a healthier me in 2009 forward to lose another 12 pounds and completely run my first 5K. This year is going to see that snowball keep a-rollin’ down that hill. I’d like to lose another 20 pounds and run more 5Ks, but honestly as long as the scale is at least a little lower by the end of the year and I’ve participated in at least 1 or 2 runs, I’ll still be happy.

In 2010 I changed jobs when it was clear my unit was soon to be eliminated, and I like my current position. I never imagined myself here, but now that I’m living it, I’m content to stay. This year I hope the company will agree with my desire to stay and upgrade me from a contractor to a permanent employee, with all of the benefits that go with that. *cough*healthinsurance*cough* We’re hoping 2011 will also be the year Aaron finds more permanent employment as well.

I completely failed at my resolution for work-life balance last year. It wasn’t going too bad until a work crisis erupted in early fall and I found myself working massive overtime (along with everyone else) to keep up with the crush of work. It was heartbreaking to go days without seeing my children for more than 30 minutes each day. And when I did see them, it was often over the top of my laptop screen. I should have put down the computer more, stopped checking work e-mail from home, and enjoyed more play time.

As I look around me and see others with their new babies, I’m reminded just how fast the time goes. I’ll admit I don’t want my children to grow up so quickly. I don’t know how Mira transformed from a toddler into a funny, potty-trained, opinionated preschooler. I can’t keep thinking that they’ll wait until I have time for them, because when that time comes I’m going to find they’ve continued to grow up – without my permission – and I didn’t notice. My girls are here with me now, at this moment in time, and I need to appreciate them for who they are in this moment.

2008 remains one of the worst years of my life. 2009 was somewhat of an improvement, and 2010 was better than 2009. If that upward trend can continue, then 2011 is looking mighty promising for me. Hopefully it’ll be promising for all of us.

So yeah, a lot of hopes and plans for 2011, but no firm resolutions. Less stuff. More love. Less stress and worry. More family experiences. Less me. More us. Learn more. Do more. Be healthier. Be more interesting. Be happier.

Live whole.

Filed Under: me me me, memories ·


Dec 17, 2010

Dear Santa

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Hi Santa. I know you get a lot of requests this time of year, and many of them come from those far more in need than me. While my own two children are busy thinking up all of the toys and books they want you to bring them, I thought I might go ahead and put in a few requests of my own.

Santa, for Christmas this year I’d like the gift of time. As a busy mom of two who also works full-time, this seems to be the one thing I’m lacking the most in my life. I want more time to give my daughters the attention they so desperately need, and time to give my husband the attention he deserves. Too often I look back on a day and wonder why I didn’t get a single moment to focus all of my attention on each family member individually. It wouldn’t have to be a lot of time – just enough so that each of them knows how much they mean to me.

With more time I could also once again find joy in hobbies I’ve left behind, take better care of myself, and visit with friends I so rarely see. I’d use some of that time towards my work, too, thinking up new ways to make my job more efficient and more valuable.

I could even write more.

The next thing on my wish-list would be patience. You see, I’ve been good this year, Santa, but I’ll admit I’m far from perfect. Not having enough time has resulted in more stress, which too often manifests in a lack of patience towards everyone around me. I don’t want my daughters to have another year remembering their mother as that woman who looks over her laptop monitor at them and continues to work as they talk to her, or answers every question with, “Can you just wait a minute? Mommy’s busy,” or who won’t wait for them to do things that kids naturally take more time doing, like getting dressed or eating. I want to yell less and say “yes” more, allowing myself to move at their pace instead of my own hurried pace.

And Santa, if I can squeeze in one more gift I’d like for Christmas, it would be a two-fer gift. You know I hate feeling insecure – a need for security has been such a strong influence in my life – so I’d love to feel more financially secure in the next year. A permanent position with my job, health insurance, a permanent job for Aaron – that would be an awesome gift. But to go with that gift, I’d hope to receive a hefty dose of gratitude as well, so that I may appreciate what I’ve been given and be presented with opportunities to use those gifts to help others as well.

I know moms probably aren’t on the top of your list, Santa, but I hope you’ll consider my requests. If you can’t find such rare gifts, I’ll understand – after all, I do have a lot of good things in my life right now that are gifts I get to experience everyday. These wishes, however, would be totally better than any pony I might have wished for in years past. (Ahem…or every year from 5-10 years old.)

Thanks for your time, Santa. We’ll leave cookies and milk out for you as always.

Love,
Christina

PS – Just to be clear, Santa, I’d never turn down gift cards or a spa treatment, too, in case you were wondering.

Filed Under: holidays, me me me ·


Nov 10, 2010

Face the Truth

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So I’ve noticed several bloggers are taking part in a 30 Days of Truth blog meme. It’s a nice way to give yourself 30 days of blogging prompts, and while I’m all about jumping on board that bandwagon, there’s no way I’m doing 30 in a row. That would be too much commitment and way too much emotional sludge for me to slog through at once. I’ll just do them here and there and hopefully get through all 30 before I forget what the remaining ones are.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

They decided to start easy, didn’t they? I could write a book about all of the things I don’t like about myself. From my dull, flat hair, past my big nose and all the way down to my monster feet, I’m good at finding fault with myself.

But what I really dislike is my lack of social understanding. The more I look inward, the more I can begin to understand and accept that I have a daughter with autism. My daughter’s pediatrician even admitted she thought I had Asperger’s. And as Cordy gets older, I’m starting to see the awkward moments I suffered through as a child relived by her.

I’ve never been popular. I was always the kid on the outside, wishing I could understand how to do the “right” things to be liked by others. My interests were never popular interests. I had trouble being witty on the spot, and often missed the social cues that I wasn’t wanted in a group.

I was told I was a freak and a weirdo, and I was bullied and shunned all through school for being different. I tried so very, very hard to fit in, mimicking others yet never quite getting it right. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong to never earn acceptance. I remember feeling suicidal more than once as a child and a teen, always confused about how I could be so amazingly smart in school but couldn’t figure out how to get people to like me.

As an adult, I’ve learned to blend in a little more, but I’ll admit I still don’t understand people. I’ve never figured out the secret to being popular, and sometimes it hurts that I know I’m rarely at the top of anyone’s list of people they like to hang out with. In public I make an effort to conceal some of my quirks.

When I’m funny, it’s generally on accident. (Ask our friend Baca about the scissors sometime. I made everyone in the room nearly suffocate from laughing so hard that day.) I suck at predicting how people will react to something.

I try to accept my geekdom, though. (The Big Bang Theory is one of my favorite TV shows and I understand nearly all of the humor on that show – Sheldon fans unite!) I’ll freely admit to strangers that I’m socially awkward at times, or that I need to drop out of a conversation quickly because I’m feeling overwhelmed. I know my brain doesn’t work the same as others and I’m not ashamed to admit it anymore. After all, I have a daughter with autism, and I want to make sure she doesn’t grow up thinking she’s a worthless freak like I did. Thankfully, being different is more accepted today than it used to be, but we still have a long way to go.

I’m sure it sounds like I’m being hard on myself, and I might be. There were kids who were just as unpopular as me in school. (A few possibly more unpopular.) But if I could change one aspect of myself, I’d love to be that person who can expertly navigate the world of popularity, winning friends and influencing people with ease, instead of the person on the edge of the social circle, wishing I knew how to be a little less awkward.

My personal anthem at the moment:

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Filed Under: me me me, meme time, memories ·