Thank you for all of the congrats in my last post. I received my official certificate in the mail yesterday and now need to go shopping for a frame. (And received my diploma the day before. Nice timing!)

Yesterday was my first day working with the full duties of a nurse, and I was thrilled to get my permissions to the medication cart, to administer medications, and officially perform assessments. I can’t wait until I’m ready to get fully involved in my first birth.

The biggest downside to all of this, however, is adjusting to not seeing my family everyday. I currently work 7am-7:30pm, requiring me to leave the house at 6am. I don’t get back to our home until 8:30pm. By that point, both Cordy and Mira are asleep for the night, and I leave in the morning before they wake up. If I have two or three days grouped together, that means I go days without seeing my daughters.

I know there are other moms and dads who have to do this on a regular basis. I’m not used to it yet. Honestly, it makes me cry some days. I’ve spent the last two years almost entirely at home with my kids, and I’ve grown used to our routine together. I like seeing them everyday, eating lunch together, and going to the park sometimes. I’m aware of how incredibly lucky I’ve been the last two years.

And Cordy will be starting full-day pre-K soon, so she won’t even be home for most of the day during the week. Mira will also be starting preschool two days a week. But it’s that whole not seeing them at all for 3 days a week that really bothers me.

Today I attended a training seminar, and as a result I was home by dinnertime. I walked in the door and Mira’s eyes widened as she saw me. “Mah-mi! Mah-mi!” (yes, we have “m” sounds from her now!) she screamed as she ran towards me and tackled my legs. She nuzzled her face into my legs, her voice quieter now as she repeated, “Awwwww, muh mah-mi…”

“Mama, where have you been?” Cordy asked from the other side of the room. “I missed you, mama.”

All at once I feel incredibly loved and piercingly guilt-stricken.

To add to the guilt, I’m often so exhausted lately that I can barely keep up with my two pixie sticks. No amount of caffeine can give me the energy I need to provide the attention they want from me.

I know this won’t last forever. Once my orientation is complete, I’ll switch to night shift and work 7pm-7:30am, allowing me to sleep while Cordy is in school during the day and wake around 3pm to spend time with the girls in the early evening.

Until then, I’ll continue to be jealous that Aaron gets to spend so much time with our daughters right now, and remind him to give them as much attention as possible and enjoy those moments together. Never take that time for granted.