So yeah.

BlogHer.

These recaps are always hard to write. So let me start from the end of my trip and work my way to the beginning.

I’m thankful I got home at all.

My 13 hour train ride home from BlogHer and New York City started fine. It was crowded, and my cell signal was poor as usual, but Heather and I settled in for our long ride, not expecting any hiccups. I planned my next day, expecting to stop in to work to finish a report before going home to unpack and rest. After all, the train was supposed to drop us off around 4am – plenty of time to get the morning report done for work and still enjoy a full day off.

And then we hit Buffalo, NY.

At this point it was close to midnight, and I had been drifting between awake and wanting to sleep. Turns out, I don’t sleep well on trains. Or cars. Or anything taking me from one place to another. After about thirty minutes, I started to notice that we had not moved in awhile, and found this to be a little odd. A full thirty minutes after that, an Amtrak employee appeared to tell us that there was a freight train derailment in Ohio, and so at the moment we were stuck there until they could find a way to get us around it.

Yep, no contingency plan on their part. For a train that runs on a track with freight trains, they have no contingency plans in place in case a train, oh, goes off its track. Because that never happens, right?

I forgot to mention that our train car must have been a meat locker in another life, because even with long pants, socks and a fleece blanket, I was still freezing. So I took the opportunity to get off the train at the station to bask in the warm, soupy night air of Buffalo. When I asked an employee how long this would take, he shrugged his shoulders and told me he didn’t know, and it would likely take at least four hours or so.

Four hours to get moving again. I should point out that Cleveland wasn’t quite a four hour drive from that station. I could drive home faster than Amtrak could get me there.

At that point I was exhausted and losing my cool. I didn’t want to be stranded in Buffalo all night, so I asked the station employee to find me a rental car. It would cost more, but at least I’d be home sooner. He laughed at me. And then told me, “It’s Sunday and it’s after midnight [which actually means it’s Monday, buddy] – you can’t get that here!”

Trying to come to terms with being stranded without any other transportation, I then had to choke back anger when they announced they were getting several taxis to transport those going to Erie, PA. You can find a taxi at 2am, but you can’t get me a rental car?

Heather had more calmly accepted our fate, but really didn’t want to go back into the icebox. She didn’t bring a blanket, and her sweater just wasn’t enough to keep warm. She asked an employee if they could warm up the car, and he told her the A/C had two settings – on or off – and it got hot and smelly in there quickly if they turned it off. She tried to plead that it was way too cold, but his only reply was, “Some people would kill for this kind of cold!”

Uh, I think he was missing the point.

She then asked for a blanket, and this turned into another fiasco. First we were told there were no blankets available because people had stolen them all 15 years ago. When asked about the souvenir blankets for sale in the Cafe car, she was told that the woman with the keys was sleeping and they wouldn’t wake her up.

(At this point I should also mention that we had no access to anything but vending machines in the station for food/drink, while the Amtrak employees ordered out for pizza and ate it in front of us. Stay classy, Amtrak!)

Heather became very angry about the blanket situation, all while we tweeted the events as they happened. They seemed to be getting nervous by our social media ranting, and finally an employee said he had a solution and led Heather back to the dining car. She emerged with several small disposable paper tablecloths for us to use as blankets. Thin paper tablecloths that smelled like fry grease, to be exact. It would take two tablecloths to provide enough coverage for one person. Ick.

Then everyone going to the stop after Erie (not us – we were the stop after that one) was gathered and told they would be taken to their station aboard a chartered bus. Their belongings were pulled off the train and they quickly left on their chartered bus. Again, you can get a taxi at 2am and a chartered bus at 3:30am, but you can’t find me a rental car?

Sometime close to 5am, we finally were loaded back into the train and on our way. Pure exhaustion hit at this point, and I achieved the impossible dream of a little sleep, gathered in 10 minute increments here and there.

As we hit hour 19 of our 13-hour Amtrak trip, we knew we were getting close to the station. But we didn’t get much warning. Two minutes before the train stopped, an Amtrak employee came to us and told us our stop was coming and to get our stuff together quickly. Two minutes.

I walked to the back of the car to retrieve my large suitcase, only to see the employee grabbing all of our other stuff and getting it up to the door as fast as possible. I stopped back at my seat to make sure I didn’t forget anything, but another employee came up from behind, took my large suitcase from me, and started to gently push me towards the door, telling me I needed to go. I wondered if they were going to throw us off while the train was still moving?

The train came to a stop and a second later the door flew open and we were hustled off the train. For keeping us on there so long, they certainly were in a rush to get rid of us in the end! Of course, my journey wasn’t over yet, as I still had a two hour drive to get back to Columbus. It was after 2pm by the time I finally reached my house.

This was my first Amtrak experience, and honestly it has made me rethink my fear of flying. The trip there wasn’t as bad, although the bathrooms were in such miserable shape that I learned I could hold my breath, pee, and wash my hands in under 60 seconds. But 19 hours on a train was unbearable. I realized at one point that I could have driven from New York to Ohio, then back to New York again in the time I spent on the train. And even had time to stop for a few meals, too.

I wanted to like traveling by train, but I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again. I traveled by train all the time when I spent a summer in England and I loved the experience, but the American version leaves a lot to be desired.

Next up: I really will write about BlogHer. It’s always hard to write about it when you’re still processing such an incredible conference, but I will give you my shortest summary as a teaser: it was better than BlogHer 09.