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Feb 28, 2012

Blissdom 2012: A New Perspective Changes Everything

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Never did I need a weekend away from my normal life as I did this past weekend. As I sat down on the plane going to Nashville (for Blissdom) I pondered what I hoped to get from the next four days. Of course I wanted to catch up with friends I haven’t seen in months. I also wanted a break from kids and work to focus on myself a little and maybe even have some fun. I was open to meeting new bloggers and discovering like-minded souls. And I was hoping that somehow, something or someone would speak to my heart and mind to help me find new direction in my life.

Folks, I’m happy to report: I got it all.

To begin, it’s hard to be unhappy when you’re in the Gaylord Opryland. It’s a giant structure that can best be described as a city under a Bio-Dome. The weather is always perfect, the trees are always green, the flowers are always blooming, and the river (yes, there’s an indoor river) is always crystal clear.

The view from my hotel room window and yes, it’s all indoors.

There was some whining on my part during the conference. After all, I was having one big pity party for myself over being out of work soon. But that’s where good friends stepped in, reminding me of my talents and distracting me from dwelling on the unpleasant. They engaged me in long conversations, had me gasping for air from laughter, kept me company when I was feeling down, and fed me delicious homemade brownies that would make you cry tears of joy. (Really, Michelle, they were incredible.) The conference was a beautiful excuse to spend time with friends that are normally separated by thousands of miles.

The opening keynote by Jon Acuff was one of those lightbulb moments you hear people talk about. His talk was about closing the gap between your day job and your dream job, and while I’m generally not into deeply inspirational speakers, this felt like he was speaking directly to me. I realized I haven’t felt all that passionate about my job, while I’ve been neglecting the very things I am passionate about because of my job. I’m too tired to blog as much as I used to, I haven’t done anything crafty in years, and I feel like I’m constantly letting my family down due to being stretched too thin. I’ve lost all my passion.

I came away from that keynote re-energized with a new perspective on my situation. This is a gift. Having my job eliminated is the universe’s way of removing all barriers that have kept me stationary for so long, freeing me up to find that passion and pursue it. Of course, the hard part is determining exactly what that passion is, but I’m ready to do the work to discover it. 

(If you want more from Jon Acuff, check out his book, Quitter.)

Did I have fun? Oh yes. There was dancing and drinking and long chats with others while sitting on the lobby floor. There were comfy shoes:

(Dr Scholl’s shoes)

And meeting famous people:

Err…I mean, the Lorax.

And, of course, silliness with Joe Jonas behind us:

Voted least likely to be seen at a Joe Jonas concert. (With @mizzjenny)

I met lots of new people, of course. Unless you’re completely anti-social, it’s hard to go to a blogging conference and not meet new people. Some were complete strangers, others were introduced by friends, and several are people I plan to stay in touch with and learn more from.

On the last day of the conference, Cecily introduced me to Amber, who then offered to take a headshot of me as part of a project she was working on. I was truly honored by the request, and while hesitant at first (I hadn’t brushed my teeth since before lunch, I looked tired, my makeup needed a touch-up, it wasn’t my best outfit, etc etc etc…) I finally got up the guts to agree to it.

The result? Amber is a talented photographer, and captured a portrait (totally worth the click!) just as good as any that Nigel Barker could take. I look at that photo and immediately notice the effect the previous days had on me. Yes, I’m tired, and my lips really needed a little more color, but so much of the stress and worry and unhappiness is gone from my face. I’m relaxed, at peace, and ready for my next adventure.

And I think that was my takeaway from Blissdom. I found peace and enjoyed the happiness brought on by being surrounded by so many talented and inspiring women. They make me want to do more and be better.

Now to figure out how to do that.

Filed Under: big issues, Blissdom, geek paradise, me me me, memories, the J-O-B ·


Jan 16, 2012

Not So Funny?

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I was reading through Facebook updates last week and came across an image shared by a friend of mine. Like so many of the word images shared on Facebook, I immediately laughed when I read it.

The image?

But more interesting was the commentary beneath it. My friend also found this funny, saying this was so like her. Another of her friends, however, replied that as a mother of a child with ADD, she didn’t find it funny at all.

Hmmm. It make me wonder if I should feel guilty for laughing?

Would this be considered making fun of a disability? I don’t know. I mean, for many types of humor, there is often a nugget of truth that is exaggerated for comedic effect, or a stereotype stretched to a ridiculous extent. If I was to be offended by any exaggeration of a personality trait, physical trait or behavior, I’d pretty much have to avoid every comedy club and never watch The Daily Show ever again. I’d really miss Jon Stewart.

But I don’t know if laughing at something like the image above is equal to teasing the kid who is different on the playground. My take on the image is also a little different because I actually have ADD. I read that statement and think, “Hell yeah, I’ve had days not too different from that!” Days when I’m in a full contact wrestling match with my mind to pin down a little focus – on any topic, I don’t even care which one – just for a few minutes.

So I read that and see the nugget of truth. It IS hard to focus with ADD. I’ve had moments where friends stare at me strangely because I’ve jumped topics in such a way that they don’t see the connection.

On the other hand, I can understand her friend not finding it funny. We all have our trigger issues that we don’t see any humor in. I’m certain her friend does have rough days caring for a child with ADD. As a mom of a daughter with autism, I get it. Years ago, when Cordy was newly diagnosed, I wouldn’t have found any jokes about autism funny, either. I can respect her view, because no one can tell someone else what is or isn’t funny to them.

For me, however, I do appreciate the humor. As long as it isn’t intended in a harmful or mean-spirited nature or intended to tease one person, poking fun at ADD, or any other condition, in a gentle way is fine with me. I even appreciate a good autism joke – Cordy and I have learned to laugh at some of the more silly aspects of autism, of which there are MANY if you look closely enough.

It also boils down to a simple mantra for me: laugh or cry. There are moments when I need, need, NEED to pay attention, to focus, to not screw up some important task that I must stay on track to complete. Sometimes I win out; other times I fail. I can either choose to cry in frustration at my limitations, or I can laugh at them and move on. One way is certainly less depressing than the other.

So I apologize if you read the above joke on ADD and are offended, because no offense was intended. (Whoa, that rhymed. Sorry, I tried writing that sentence another way and it didn’t sound nearly as good.)

I also don’t know if it’s more acceptable to laugh at an ADD joke posted by someone who has ADD, but if so, laugh away. I certainly did.


(PS – It took me a week and about a dozen starts and stops to write this post. Can you tell it’s been a rough week? See? This is me choosing to laugh.)

Filed Under: big issues, me me me, random ·


Nov 16, 2011

Pizza As A Vegetable For School Lunches

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On Monday, Mira came home from school and immediately pulled a bag of potato chips from her backpack. When I asked her where the chips had come from, she told me her teachers gave them to her at lunch because they had extras in her class. Her preschool class has lunch brought up to their room from the school cafeteria, so they often have leftovers that Mira happily takes advantage of, even though she has a packed lunch each day.

Potato chips are one of the few things she brings home as leftovers, but I hear about the other things she occasionally eats when her class has extra food. French fries, pizzas, flavored applesauce, nachos – these are all regular school lunches served to little kids?

The answer is yes, they are, and if Congress gets its way, they will remain the staples of the American school kid’s diet for some time to come. Despite the USDA pushing for healthier school lunches, Congress has released a spending bill that rolls back the new standards to cater to special interest lobbyists in the food industry who insist that kids don’t need less salt and processed foods in their diets, and that two tablespoons of tomato paste on a pizza would be perfectly acceptable as a serving of vegetables.

(We’ll forget for a moment that tomatoes are actually a fruit.)

It’s horrifying to read that article and realize what our elected officials consider acceptable for a school lunch. Whole grains are considered unnecessary. Processed foods and cheap, artificial food-like products reign supreme in the lunchrooms.

Beyond the lobbying, some claim that the government shouldn’t tell children what to eat, which is ridiculous when food standards have been around for decades. But by not providing proper guidelines on what constitutes a nutritious school lunch, Congress is still telling children what to eat, and the message they are sending is that your kids aren’t worth better food.

For many underprivileged children, a public school lunch is their best chance at one complete, nutritious meal all day long. One chance each day to have proper nutrition. Some possibly get a school breakfast as well. And our elected officials offer them nothing but processed junk high in fat, sodium and sugar. Pizza as a serving of vegetables. (Don’t forget the *breakfast* pizza served each morning, too!) We should be ashamed that this is the best we can offer to our most vulnerable in the United States.

I’m thankful that Aaron and I have the time and resources to prepare lunches for Cordy and Mira each day. Our daughters aren’t limited by the choices available to them in the cafeteria, and have parents who are actively involved in finding better foods for them. As a result they benefit from better nutrition, especially Cordy, who can’t tolerate artificial food additives. I can’t imagine how much worse her behavior would be if she had to eat school food each day.

Before anyone tries to knock me down from my pedestal, I should take a moment to pause here and point out that my family is far from being a model for perfect nutrition. After all, we ordered pizza last night for dinner and we love McDonald’s now and then, too. And we always need more vegetables.

However, we try to keep a balance of healthy foods in their diets. Both girls have packed lunches that consist of whole grains, real fruit and cheese, peanut butter (that is only made from peanuts & nothing more), and water, 100% juice or plain milk to drink. 

But they’re the lucky ones – what about the kids who are at the mercy of the school cafeteria line each day? The ones who regularly depend on those potato chips for their nutrition? Who’s there to advocate for whole grains and fresh produce for them? Who’s speaking up to insist that we raise the bar on the necessary requirements for a nutritious lunch? It’s not the American Frozen Food Institute, that’s for certain. And it’s not their friends in Congress, either.

I genuinely had high hopes that the USDA would be able to create some real change in the way we feed our school-aged children in this country, even if that change was small. Any change for the better is at least a start. Now I’m left more disappointed than ever at the corruption in our political system and the politicians who claim they care about our children, but really only care about their corporate donors and dollars.Why strive for quality when there’s big bucks to be made serving up the cheapest food materials possible?

It’s no wonder so many conservative politicians are against national health care – they don’t want to pay for the obesity, diabetes and high blood pressure they are actively helping to create by profiting at the expense of our children’s future. If I was actively working to create a generation of fat, disease-stricken citizens like they are I’d try to avoid the issue, too. Hell, they’re probably investing all of their money in the pharmaceutical industry right now, knowing what’s ahead for these kids and anxiously awaiting the profits they’ll make from all the medications these kids will need.

It’s no secret why this country is facing a health crisis. Part of the answer can be found right in our schools, where we’re creating our national health crisis one substandard school lunch at a time. 

Our kids are worth more than this. They deserve better than two tablespoons of tomato paste and salty, high-fat, processed lunches each day.

Filed Under: big issues, healthy living, politics, school ·


Nov 7, 2011

Is My Daughter Being Bullied In First Grade?

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Some days, being a parent is more like being a detective. Trying to find the truth between wildly different accounts of a situation can take a lot of time and effort, and in the end you’re still not sure if you know what really happened.

Last week was one of those situations.

It started on Thursday around 1pm when I was jolted awake by my cell phone. Since I work nights, I ask that no one call my cell during the day unless one of my children is hurt or I just won a million dollars. I answered the call and Cordy’s school nurse was on the other end. She said that Cordy had been knocked down by accident during recess and had a scratch on her arm, but it wasn’t bad. Cordy had been pretty upset about it, though, so they let her spend some time in the nurse’s office before sending her back to class.

I didn’t understand why a small scratch on her arm warranted a call home, but whatever. I went back to sleep quickly.

When Cordy came home that day, she wanted some computer time right when she walked in the door. As I sat with her at the computer, I asked to see the scratch on her arm – there was barely a mark there. But I noticed she was talking oddly, without moving her upper lip. A closer look revealed that her upper lip was split in the middle and swollen. The school nurse didn’t mention this?

I asked her what happened to her lip, and she didn’t want to tell me at first. But then the story came out: two boys came up to her in the field at recess and knocked her down. One sat on her while the other threw a kickball in her face. She said they both laughed at her and called her “weird” and that they’ve thrown things at her before.

I made her repeat the story to me several times that night. Unlike when she makes up stories, the details didn’t change and there were more details than she usually tells. She gave us their names. She told us she was afraid of them. And she insisted they called her weird and laughed at her.

You can imagine how furious I was. Just as I sat down to write an email to her teachers, an email arrived from her special needs teacher. In giving us the details of Cordy’s day, she mentioned the incident, although the details were different. She said Cordy claimed she was hit and was very upset, but the recess teachers saw it and it appeared to be an accident. There was no mention of the split lip, only the scratch on her arm.

I replied to her email and gave her Cordy’s version of the story. I said I couldn’t understand how accidentally knocking someone down could result in a split lip, or why Cordy would claim they laughed at her at called her weird. I mentioned that this sounded to me like bullying and I wanted it looked into further.

The response I received the next day provided an even more detailed view of the incident. Her teacher said that a group of kids – including Cordy – had been involved in a lot of play fighting during the week and it had become more rough each day. The teachers had told them to tone it down. Other kids had complained that Cordy was hitting them with her coat. Cordy’s teacher said she spoke with the boys and believes the play fighting may have accidentally become too real.

And then she said that she also spoke to Cordy and advised her to play around the playground equipment and not with the kids out in the field.

So now I’m left to piece all of it together. I believe the adults – Cordy was probably play fighting. I asked her about hitting other kids with her coat, and she said she did it only because they were doing it to her first. I’m not so blinded by love for my kid that I’m unwilling to admit she’d ever do anything wrong. We had a discussion about why it’s not OK to hurt someone just because they hurt you first, and I expect her to apologize to the kids she swung her coat at.

But I also believe what happened to Cordy was real. I don’t think she was knocked down on accident, and whether it was play fighting or not, she still ended up with a split lip and deserves at least an apology from those boys. I also believe that they called her weird and laughed at her. There’s no reason for her to make up something like that. Whether they were saying it “in pretend” or not, it’s still hurtful and should never be said to someone. Getting away with it now could lead to them thinking it’s OK in the future. I don’t want to aide a child on his first step towards becoming a bully.

So where’s the truth? It’s somewhere in between, but the more information I’m given, the more confused I become. I like Cordy’s teachers and her school, and want to believe them, but I also want to believe my daughter. Her part in the rough play at recess has been dealt with by us. But if she feels like she’s being bullied, it needs to be addressed. (And why didn’t anyone notice her swollen, cracked-open upper lip?) I hope there are programs in place to address bullying and the importance of accepting differences, and if not there need to be, even at the first grade level.

I was bullied as a kid for being different. I know how painful it is to feel like you can’t be yourself without someone ridiculing you, but even if you try to be someone else you still can’t ever fit in. Any self-esteem I had when I started elementary school was slowly shredded to pieces by junior high. Even things I should have been proud of – like being academically gifted – were marks of shame to hide once the bullies had their way with me. I never want Cordy to suffer what I went through.

Cordy is gradually coming to the understanding that she’s different. We’re gently introducing the topic of autism to her, framing it in a way to highlight the positive differences as well as the areas she struggles with that other kids may find easy. She still isn’t self-aware enough yet to completely get it, but hopefully the self-esteem building is getting through to her if nothing else is.

We are also teaching her that there are lots of other ways to be different, too. Some kids are great at sports, others can’t use their legs and require a wheelchair, and some kids just look very different from their classmates. All of these things make them different, but just as valuable and loved as any other kid. But hate, prejudice, and discrimination are not differences to value, and should never be tolerated.

For now I plan to keep an open communication with Cordy about this topic, making sure that no one else is calling her names and that she feels safe in her class. I’m sure we’ll discuss it more at the upcoming parent-teacher conferences as well.

Sigh…and people said the baby years were hard. Ha ha ha. Playing the role of Detective Mom has me in far more unpleasant situations than ever faced by even the worst blow-out diaper.

Filed Under: Autism, big issues, Cordy, other people's kids, school ·


Jul 21, 2011

Picky Eater

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Going out in public with my children can sometimes be a challenge. Especially if going out involves eating, and that eating is taking place either in someone else’s home or at a restaurant my girls aren’t familiar with. Far too often I deal with someone looking at my children at one point and sighing, “So what WILL they eat?”

I have picky eaters.

I’m well aware that my kids have a small list of foods they will eat, and I’ve probably already heard every criticism and judgment someone could think to throw at me. I didn’t expose them to a wide enough variety of foods when they were younger. I didn’t expect them to eat a bite of everything placed in front of them. I gave in to their demands for the same meals over and over. I’m raising children who will have a limited experience with food and force others to bow to their whims.

Yep, I’ve heard it all, and honestly? I don’t care. I know I’m doing the best I can to give them healthy foods to eat. I still make the effort to have them try new foods, even while I give them the foods they like most of the time. And if anyone claims to know anything about dealing with a picky eater, it should be me – I was one of the worst picky eaters as a child, and now I love trying new foods.

Mira is the more adventurous one when it comes to food, but even she can be picky. Occasionally, she’ll try something new, but only if we make it seem like we want it all and really don’t want to share it with her. If we’re asking her to try a bite, then clearly it’s poison and must be avoided at all costs.

(Although it’s hilarious when she does beg to try something and doesn’t like it. She’ll take one tiny bite, force a smile and say “Yum! I like it!” just because she doesn’t want to admit that she begged for something yucky. Ask her if she wants a second bite, though, and she’ll suddenly become generous and say, “No, I just wanted one bite.” Sure you did, kid. Wish you only ever wanted ONE bite of my garlic bread.)

Cordy is far more cautious with food. Her autism and sensory issues make food a very touchy subject. She likes mac and cheese, but at home it has to be in an easy mac bowl. (And she really likes it to be neon yellow, which she can’t have due to her sensitivity to dyes. It’s been a long journey to get her to eat the white cheddar mac and cheese.) Milk has to be white – no flavored milks for her! Applesauce must be unflavored.

She refuses to drink water and will let herself get dehydrated rather than drink it – a splash of 100% juice makes it acceptable to drink. Any foods she normally eats that are presented in an unfamiliar way (like potato wedges vs. french fries) are usually rejected.

But even with her picky eating, Cordy’s short list of acceptable foods includes several healthy options. She loves salad, as long as it is lettuce and dressing only. She’ll eat apple slices and sometimes bananas, although all other fruit is unacceptable. And while she certainly likes cookies, crackers and gummy treats, I try to only buy organic and dye-free varieties for her.

It took some effort to convince her the cheese wasn’t carrots because carrots cannot exist in salad. 

I know it frustrates my family that Cordy and Mira often refuse the foods they made for all of us to share. My mom has commented on more than one occasion that they’ll never eat healthy by being this picky. However, I think that the years have clouded her recollection of my youth.

Here’s what I remember from my childhood. For main dishes, I ate only a handful of foods: mac and cheese, spaghetti, pizza, ham sandwiches, or fast food. I gagged at the very sight of rice. (Thanks a lot, Lost Boys – it took me years to overcome that aversion to rice.) The only vegetables I would even allow on my plate were green beans and occasionally carrots. My mom would beg me to try new foods and I’d turn my nose up at everything. She never forced the issue, though, and more often than not she would give in to my demands for a familiar food.

From that history, you might assume I grew up to have a limited palate. But instead, my tastes matured as I moved into my twenties, and I sought out new foods. I ate new vegetables. I actively tried new foods at parties. Chinese food became a favorite – yes, even the rice! As I matured, my food interests matured with me.

Now? I love food. There are only a handful of foods that I’d politely refuse to taste. And most of those are due to being forced to eat them at some point as a child, creating an aversion so strong that I don’t even like the smell of those foods.

I have faith that no matter how picky my daughters are now, they will not remain this way forever. I refuse to start a negative relationship with food by forcing strange foods on them. So we are short order cooks in our house. Aaron and I have our dinner, we invite the kids to join in on those foods, and if they don’t want to, we make them something else. Occasionally they eat the same thing we do, and we heap praise on them for trying something new.

Out in public, both Mira and Cordy understand that if there’s nothing they’re willing to eat, they may go hungry. I usually have snacks available if I know we’ll be gone for more than one meal, but otherwise I leave them at the mercy of their picky natures. If they’re really hungry, they’ll eat something, even if it is just a hamburger bun.

Someday they’ll be ready to try new foods, but it will happen at their own pace. And when they’re ready, I’ll be waiting to introduce them to all of the delicious foods I’ve discovered after my days of picky eating.

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Filed Under: being a mom, big issues, Cordy, daily life, Mira ·