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May 13, 2008

Who Are The Police Protecting?

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So, let’s say your house was broken into almost two years ago, in the middle of the afternoon. A lot of stuff was taken, including some sentimental items that could never be replaced. The thief left behind a small amount of DNA, via a blood drop on the curtain that your eagle eye spotted thanks to years of watching forensic crime dramas, and the crime lab said they’d check it out.

Fast-forward five months. The DNA comes back with a match, and the police tell you they have a warrant out for the guy. When you ask for details, they tell you that he used to live nearby, but is no longer at that address. You ask if he lived in the neighborhood, but they refuse to give details, only saying he lived in the area.

The thief is caught, processed, and then because of an overcrowded prison system, given only probation for his crime, despite the fact that this would not be his first time in prison. You feel a little upset that this guy is out in public, but try to reassure yourself by saying that he probably lives nowhere close to you.

Now let’s say that in doing some internet surfing of court records last night, you come upon this guy’s record. (Not only has he robbed you, but since turning 18 has also been arrested three other times for forgery, driving without a license, and another robbery with criminal endangering.) And you find out that he didn’t just live nearby, he lived ACROSS THE STREET. As in, almost directly across the street. And that the residents of the home across the street are his family.

Knowing this new tidbit of information, do you feel that the police should have shared that the criminal lived in spitting distance of your house? Or that while he no longer lived there, his family was still living there, and now knew that you were the ones who helped get their little boy thrown in jail?

To say I’m a little shocked to find out the guy who upended our lives lived right across from us would be an understatement. I don’t understand why we weren’t allowed to know where he lived, and that his family were still living there. Shouldn’t we be told that our every move is still being watched by people close to the perpetrator?

I can now see why those neighbors have never talked to us, and why they still give us unfriendly – bordering on dirty – glares each time we drive past.

We never received a mug shot, so we still don’t know what he looks like. It’s possible that he’s still coming by to visit with his family across the street – lots of 20-something men and women come by that house all the time – and if so, he’s violating his probation order to stay at least 1000 feet away from us. But since we don’t know what he looks like, we can’t tell if any of the young men glancing across the street at us might be him. Creepy, eh?

It sucks when you don’t even feel safe in your own home.

Filed Under: big issues, daily life, rant ·


Apr 17, 2008

Dear Presidential Candidates,

By ·

Hi there. I’d like to talk to you a little about this election. I’m a mom of two, living in Ohio, with a family income under $50K a year. You could say I’m pretty close to the average American. I want to give you a few of my ideas about how to reach out to the American public, or if not them, at least me.

First off, please drop the mudslinging. I’m sick of it. I have to listen to my daughter argue with me enough, and I don’t need to see my presidential candidates bickering like three year olds, too. I don’t care who called who what – just tell me what you stand for and believe in, and let me do the comparison.

Second, please stop trying to demonstrate that you’re one of us. Seeing you have a beer in a local bar, go bowling (when you’re clearly not a fan of bowling), and try to act like you would hang out with me if you lived in my neighborhood doesn’t impress me. I don’t want to vote for the person I’m most likely to have a beer with, or the person I think is the best looking. This isn’t American Idol – this is for the most important job in this country. I don’t care if you’re good looking or can knock back shots of whiskey with the best of them. I want you to show me you’re smarter than me, and smarter than most of the people in this country. I want to know you can handle yourself with class amongst foreign dignitaries and not that you can use urban slang to appeal to me.

I’d like to hope that voters are a little wiser this time around. We saw what happened last time when voters picked the guy they would most like to have a beer with. Personality doesn’t equal competence. Show me you’re brilliant, you can think quick on your feet, and you’re ready to work hard for all Americans, and not just your rich friends.

There have been so many issues brought up this election, but I can tell you which ones are most important to me. I want to know how you will help pull this country out of a recession. How will you protect my family’s health care benefits so that we can continue to receive affordable health care, and how will you make sure every person in this country has that same access? How will you deal with the rising costs of gas and food – costs that are going up so quickly that this middle-class family is working additional jobs to afford it all? How will you take on big businesses that choose to put their own profits over the health and safety of our children? How will you enact change to protect our environment? And how will you make sure that my daughters will have access to an excellent education in safe, well-maintained schools?

Yes, Iraq has been the #1 issue in this campaign, but the truth is that for someone like me, Iraq is a small issue. I want the soldiers home as much as anyone else, but if we don’t fix things at home, what will these men and women have to come home to? Unemployment. Gas and food they can’t afford. Health care that is so expensive people must weigh if going to the doctor for a health problem is worth the cost. Rising violence from the desperate situations many are forced into. Foreclosure. Schools that are overcrowded and short on good teachers. What kind of a welcome home is that?

While the media is bogging you down with controversies over if you wear a flag pin or not, my oldest daughter is being denied insurance coverage for her autism, because they feel it is an “incurable and untreatable” condition. While you argue over whether tax cuts should be for those making under $75K or under $200K, I spend $50 to fill my car’s gas tank each week, a necessary expense because I live in a city with poor public transportation and alternative fuels aren’t given a chance thanks to the oil lobbyists who want to maintain their record profits.

Despite all of that, I have it pretty good compared to many in this country. We still have food, we still have some luxuries, and we still have our house. As long as my husband isn’t laid off – a real risk we’ve faced three times in the past year – our bills are still paid each month and the needs of our family are met. But there are so many who can’t even provide the most basic needs for their families. Food banks are running out of food because of the growing number of people – even middle-class – who must now turn to them for help. Should my husband be laid off, I could be one of those people, too, depending on charity and the kindness of others to feed our family.

I’m not scared of terrorists – I’m scared of my own country. I see a government who cares more for large corporations than it does for individuals, and who would rather spend thousands of dollars investigating steroid use in baseball than think up a way to give all Americans basic health coverage. Lots of people around me are losing the battle to be successful. They’re not looking to be rich – just have all of their needs and some of their wants met. They work hard, but they’re losing hope that things will ever get better. I’m watching the middle class deteriorate and the poor reach new levels of poverty that anyone sitting in their designer suit in Congress should feel is obscene.

So please, be that person who is smarter than the average American. Show us that you understand that a country cannot be great unless it is meeting the needs of all of its people. Prove to us that better days will come because of your ideas and actions. I don’t just want hope, I want a solid plan, and I want to know that your first priority – before turning your gaze outside of our borders – is to make sure everything inside those borders is the best it can possibly be.

Sincerely,
An average mom

Filed Under: big issues ·


Apr 14, 2008

Will She Give The Kid A Beer, Too?

By ·

On my morning drive to Cordy’s preschool, I was stopped at a obscenely long traffic light. I glanced over to the car beside me. There was a boy in the passenger seat – couldn’t have been older than seven or eight – and a woman I will assume is his mom was driving the car. In her hand was a cigarette, and the only ventilation was the two inch crack in the mom’s window needed to flick her ashes into the street. I saw the boy coughing, but the mom continued to talk on her Bluetooth, seemingly unconcerned.

I understand that smoking is a tough habit to break, and that some don’t want to break their habit. I also know that many smokers are smart people who comprehend the dangers of smoking, not only to themselves but to others around them. Secondhand smoke is no longer a theoretical risk – it’s been proven to cause real health problems.

But forcing your kid to sit in a smoke-filled car? Not cool. In some places, it’s considered child abuse and against the law. I don’t care how cold it is outside. Two inches from one window is not remotely close to enough ventilation. The kid was coughing – sure, he could have had a cold, but even if it was a cold, do you think the smoke was helping his lungs recover from that cold? If she’s smoking, then by default he’s smoking, too. Does he get to drink if she has a cocktail?

This is a touchy subject for me because I was that kid when I was younger. My mom didn’t smoke, but my aunts did, and they would routinely smoke in the car when we traveled. If it was warm out, they’d have the windows down, but in the winter? Two inches. And I coughed. A lot.

Turns out, I have a bit of a reaction to cigarette smoke. After being in an enclosed space with smokers for even an hour, I spend the next week in misery with all of the symptoms of the worst cold you can imagine. It’s why I always wanted to sit on the patio at the local bars in college, and why I generally avoided clubs. I don’t like feeling sick for days all because someone else wanted their nicotine fix.

There are plenty of considerate smokers out there. I have friends who smoke, and it doesn’t bother me. They are always polite, smoking outdoors and never if I’m in the car. I know other smokers who have kids, and they never smoke in the house or car because of their kids. They will go out of their way to keep their kids away from the smoke. Some quit before kids.

I couldn’t help but stare at this woman and her child as we stopped at the next light and were beside each other again. She made no effort to blow the smoke towards her two inch vent to the outside, and she didn’t seem to notice her child looked miserable. Was her desire for a cigarette so strong that she’d rather put her child’s health at risk rather than waiting the 15 minutes (at most) it would take to drop the kid off at school?

I’ll admit I’m completely and utterly biased. If you want to smoke, that is completely OK with me. Cigarettes are legal, and smoking them is legal. I don’t have a problem with it until you start affecting someone else’s health, especially a child’s. The lungs of a child are especially sensitive to the effects of secondhand smoke, and they are more vulnerable because they often have no ability to escape the smoke. And while I can simply avoid a person who is an inconsiderate smoker, a child can’t choose to go somewhere else because their parents are smoking around them.

At least give your kids the choice to smoke when they’re eighteen. Don’t decide for them before they’re even out of diapers.

Filed Under: big issues, rant · Tagged:


Apr 8, 2008

Who Do You Trust?

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As many of you know, I spent part of last week at an event for mommy bloggers in New Jersey. (I will be talking about it later this week on Mommy’s Must Haves. Still pulling the post together, and also tweaking the blog.) It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed getting to meet some new-to-me bloggers and have some great conversations.

There was a point in one discussion where the issue of trust was mentioned, and several women mentioned that they trust the opinions of other moms more than they trust large corporations. But then one blogger (this one) suddenly said in the middle of the conversation, “Well, I don’t trust the opinions of other moms!” I’m glad I was sitting behind her so she didn’t see my eyes nearly bug out of my head in surprise. Or hers. Or hers. (Although she may have seen hers as she slowly moved her chair away.)

Maybe I just have an abnormally educated and talented bunch of mom friends, but if I needed advice on something about parenting, products for my children, myself, or my home, you can bet I’m turning to another mom to get their opinion. (Not all have to be moms, either, depending on what you’re asking about. I’m looking at you, Auntie Suebob.) Chances are, they have advice that I will find helpful, even if I don’t follow their guidance.

Here’s a quick example. Yesterday, I discovered the annual ant convention had once again arrived in my living room. They come every year in the spring, and they’re a pain in the ass to get rid of. In frustration, I twittered that I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to find a good exterminator. I know exterminators are bad (and expensive), but nothing else was working. Within an hour I had a plethora of other options to try, including boric acid, soap, cloves, cinnamon and coffee grounds. (Thanks to all of you, the ants are now on the retreat.)

Now, had I called an exterminator, asking for his advice on my ant problem, I’m sure he would have told me that I needed his services and that only he could properly get rid of my ants. And if I asked about the chemicals he uses, he would tell me they are all EPA approved, leaving out that there are still questions about if the exposure is really safe for pets and babies. I wouldn’t expect anything else – he has a business to run and a service to sell, so of course he’s going to promote his “product”. I can’t blame him.

Trusting other moms over corporations is only logical to me. Most of these moms have experience with many everyday products, and they know which work best and which cause their kids to break out in hives. If the diaper rash cream I have doesn’t seem to clear up my daughter’s red bottom, I will ask other moms which one they use and if they like it. Oh sure, there are a few that I question – like the Mary Kay rep who only suggests Mary Kay products – but most moms have nothing to sell and no reason to give you anything but their honest opinion. I’ll also pass along my thoughts on each diaper cream to other moms who ask for my advice.

We all know moms are the ultimate consumers – we are the ones who control most of the spending for our families, and we choose the products our families use. For 90% of the products out there, corporations have to get past us to get into our homes. So they mount extensive advertising campaigns to lure us to buy their product over the competition’s product. Again, it makes sense: they want to make money, so they have to convince us they have the best product.

For much of the 20th century, it was a good business plan, because the 20th century saw the separation of the extended family and the village into the isolated nuclear family we see today. That small nuclear family now moves around the country more, too, further separating themselves from their own extended families. And with moving around, we now don’t know our own neighbors – they’re not people we’ve grown up with and we’re less likely to trust them.

So instead of the village, where everyone knows everyone and you have a support network available to provide trusted advice, moms found themselves alone, figuring out this new mommy world on their own and unsure of where to go for advice. Advertisers took full advantage of this, with brand promotions such as “the name you can trust” and “what your baby would ask for.” Women bought into the brand more than the actual product.

But there was still a need to connect. Mommy groups grew in popularity, as did the concept of playdates. We needed to connect and find other moms, and in doing so we shared our experiences with each other, including product experience. A playdate at the park is more than letting the kids run off some steam together. It’s also a chance for moms to unload on each other, sharing knowledge and experience along with our frustrations and joy.

Now we have mommy blogs and parenting communities on the internet, allowing us to self-select our “village” from moms around the world. Ask many mom bloggers, and they’ll tell you they started blogging to find a community, seek out advice, or share their advice with others. We want to help each other deal with the onslaught from the media and from advertisers, who tell us we’re bad parents if we don’t breastfeed, or if we let our child cry it out, or if we don’t let them cry it out. It’s a conflicting crush of information being thrust at us, and having that resource of other moms who tell you, “I’ve been there, too, and here’s what worked for me…” can be reassuring.

So if you ask me who I trust, I’ll tell you I trust moms. When Cordy was born, I used products that the hospital gave me, thinking they had my best interests at heart. I now know corporations lobby and pay big bucks to have their products be the ones new moms go home with. Nearly every product I’ve bought for my children since then has been based on recommendations from other mothers and my own research. And rarely have I been lead to a bad product based on those recommendations.

I trust moms.

Filed Under: being a mom, big issues, mom blogs ·


Mar 12, 2008

Socializing Our Girls To Be Meek, Uninteresting Women

By ·

The other day I was at my favorite resale shop (c’mon, you think I pay full price for Gymboree?), and as I was at the back of the store, glancing through the toys, I saw a little girl toddle up to a small basketball hoop. She couldn’t have been more than 18 months, and she was enamored with this little plastic stand with the nylon hoop. She hung onto the rim, bouncing up and down with glee. It was really cute.

Her mom glanced down and, seeing her daughter putting a ball through the hoop, pulled her away, saying, “No honey, that toy isn’t for you. It’s a boy’s toy. Let’s find you a different toy.”

I had already walked past them at this point, and my head nearly snapped off as I turned to see what was going on. The little girl started to fuss and tried to go back to the basketball hoop. The mom was more forceful this time: “No, leave it alone! It’s not for you – I told you it’s a toy for boys! You can’t have it.” She picked the child up so she couldn’t get back to the toy.

An older woman then turned to her as the little girl started to cry, reaching out for the toy she desired. “What’s she trying to play with?”

“Oh, mom, she’s trying to play with that hoop over there. I told her it’s not a toy for her.”

The grandmother made cooing noises as she smiled and stroked the cheek of the little girl. “Honey, that’s a boy toy. Let’s find you a pretty doll, OK? You’ll like a little doll to play with.” The girl’s mom nodded and they walked further down the aisle to find a doll, all while the toddler looked back over her mother’s shoulder at the basketball hoop she wanted so badly.

I didn’t want to get involved. But I nearly did because I was so angry at what I was seeing. This is where it starts. This is where the separation of the sexes begins, as little girls are told that only certain things are proper for them. (And I’m sure some little boys are also told that dolls aren’t appropriate for them. I’m not trying to suggest that boys aren’t subject to gender bias, too.)

Where does it go from here, I wonder?

That little girl won’t play sports, because sports are for boys.

She won’t be encouraged in math or science, because English and the arts are what girls should be good in.

She’ll starve herself and be obsessed with her physical appearance, because she’ll believe that is where her worth lies.

She won’t ask out that nice, shy boy she likes in school – the one who seems to like her too – because girls aren’t supposed to make the first move.

She won’t say no when the next boy she dates pressures her into sex, because she feels that she can’t say no to him because he’s male.

She may go to college, but will pick an easy major and look to get her MRS degree.

She’ll never try to run for president, because that’s a job for boys.

This may sound extreme, but it’s all possible. Why should we limit our children’s futures based on their gender? I thought that we as a society might have progressed a little further than pulling a child away from a basketball hoop and forcing a doll on her instead, but I guess not.

Currently, Cordy’s favorite toys are her rocket ship, her cars, and her building blocks. At the same time, she loves her stuffed bears and must have them in bed with her at night. Her favorite color is purple, but she says she wants to play drums or be an astronaut when she grows up. (Aw, just like mommy. I’m so proud.)

My girls will be raised to believe that they can be anything they want to be. I would never place limits on them because they happen to be female. If they were boys, I’d feel the same way. It’s time to stop thinking that women are only allotted particular interests or opportunities in life because of the double X chromosome set. We’re just as smart as men, and just as capable of performing any job a man can do. (Including careers in science, technology, government and the military.)

I’ll willingly agree that men and women are different, and sometimes behave differently due to our biology. But this doesn’t make one gender inferior to the other. Just because men tend towards more muscle mass doesn’t mean women can’t be athletes. And just because women seem to have more of a nurture instinct doesn’t mean men can’t be excellent stay at home dads.

Beyond our biology, we all have our individual strengths and weaknesses, and those strengths should be encouraged and allowed to flourish. If I had my way, I’d erase from our collective thoughts any idea of a “girl toy” or “boy toy”. They’re just toys.

If that little girl had been mine, I would have bought her that basketball hoop without a second thought. And taught her how to do a slam dunk.

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Filed Under: big issues, Cordy, rant · Tagged: