Single Parents, I Salute You

I don’t know how you do it.

Seriously.

You all deserve a medal. Or a hug. Or a national holiday in your honor, with guaranteed babysitting for the day so you can lounge poolside and have a margarita without worrying if your kid is too close to the edge of the pool.

I’m just finishing up a six day solo-parenting gig and I’m exhausted. (Aaron was in California at San Diego Comic-Con, where ironically the weather was much cooler than the melt-your-face-off heat wave we had in Ohio.) I love my children dearly, but nothing tests your love for your children quite like 6 days alone with them.

Actually, it wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t on a nocturnal schedule due to my job, and my children weren’t on a beat-the-rooster-to-the-punch schedule. This equated to mommy dragging her tired self downstairs before the sun was up, making them breakfast, turning on the TV, and then collapsing on the couch while promising extra gummy snacks at lunch to whichever child could be the quietest for the next couple of hours. You might be surprised how many “who can be the quietest” game rewards you can think up when you’re half-delirious from sleep deprivation.

I was raised by a single mom, so you’d think I’d have some tricks on how to do it solo. Growing up, my mom worked 40+ hours a week, cooked meals, cleaned our house, paid bills, mowed the lawn, helped me with my school homework, went grocery shopping, attended my school events, and yet somehow still had time to sit on the couch with me and watch TV in the evenings. I’m convinced she’s secretly a cyborg who doesn’t require sleep.

Yet six days proved me to be nothing like her. I was short with my girls more than once. OK, more than once each day. Maybe even each hour, depending on the time of day. At times I felt like they were trying to make me lose my temper. The house did not stay clean. The laundry did not get done until Cordy ran out of shorts to wear. Paper plates became my best friends. On the third day, Cordy cried that she missed her daddy when I yelled at her. I didn’t cry about missing him until the fifth day.

But the end is now in sight. And we did have some fun during these six days, too. We made ice cream together. We went shopping for toys and t-shirts at the Disney store in the mall. (Mira then begged to go into Victoria’s Secret when we walked past it – uh-oh.) We sat together in a heap on the couch and read Thomas the Tank Engine stories. We had dinner with grandma one night, where the girls performed the “I love grandma and mommy” dance for us. Cordy drew a picture of us with a heart above us and the words “I love you mom” written below, asking me to display it to work. (I did.) And each night I tucked each of them into bed and kissed them goodnight, reminding them that even though we sometimes get upset with each other, I will always love them no matter what.

It wasn’t so bad. But I’m still glad I don’t have to do it longer than six days. And I’m looking forward to getting my time away at BlogHer next week.



When Is The Right Time?

I don’t know if you’ve seen the new TV series Parenthood, but if not I highly recommend checking it out. I was originally interested in it simply because I was curious how they would portray, well, parenthood. It’s true, marketers have me pegged – put the word parent or mommy or mom in a title, and you can guarantee I’ll check it out.

The show is funny. Very funny. And sometimes painfully funny – in that way where you laugh but inside you cringe a little because you’ve been in that exact same situation and remember how humiliating it was. But the show also takes itself seriously in portraying the lives of an extended family, all very different people in very different situations. These people could be us, and in watching the show you quickly find yourself drawn to identifying with one person who is most like you, yet recognize so many of the struggles faced by the other characters, too.

In watching the show, the one thing I never realized was that Parenthood would also be tackling the subject of autism. In early episodes, one couple discovers that their son is on the spectrum, and their world is turned upside down in so many ways. When I quickly realized where they were going with that plot topic in the first episode, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Would they make the topic of autism light and fluffy? Would they make it worse than it really is? Would the boy be little more than a caracature of a child with autism, or would they really make it realistic?

Truth is, they have so far done a brilliant job of walking the line to bring awareness to the condition. I’ve cried several big, fat tears while watching this show because these parents could be us. Hell, their names are Adam and Kristina – how much closer to Aaron and Christina could you get? I watched them struggle with even accepting there might be something wrong with their son, and remembered my own struggles with the same topic. They frantically searched for a “cure” just like I did. They’ve tried to protect Max from those who don’t understand him, the same way we’ve tried to protect Cordy.

Of course it’s a TV show, and there will never be enough time in each episode to present a full, clear picture of autism, but I’ve been impressed with how real it is thus far.

This week’s episode really affected me, though. In it, the family teams up for the Walk for Autism, with Max as family cheerleader, determined to win the trophy. At one point, he shouts, “Let’s help those kids with autism!” and everyone in the room is suddenly aware that Max doesn’t know yet that “those kids with autism” includes him.

I don’t think we’ve ever told Cordy that she has autism. Granted, she’s much younger than the character of Max (who is nine, I think), but it’s never been something we’ve talked about. She’s attended special-needs preschool for three years now where she’s had weekly speech and motor skills therapy. For three quarters of a year she’s participated in a research study for kids with autism, requiring several cognitive and developmental skills tests. She’s taken pills purely at our request, never really knowing why we asked her to take them other than “they help you stay healthy,” just like her vitamins.

But despite saying nothing to her directly about it, there have been clues. She knows she won’t ever wait at a bus stop for her bus like other kids. She’s aware that some kids in her class can’t talk and have meltdowns that sometimes require them to be restrained. For herself, she knows she has “the flappers” who live in her arms and sometimes make her flap. She knows she has irrational sensory fears. And there are times I’m sure I can see right into her mind through her eyes, watching as she fights internal battles with herself over her confusion on social cues and her reactions to the world around her.

The TV show psychologist told Adam and Kristina that they will know when the right time is to tell Max about his autism. I hope the same is true for our family. She’s probably too young to even understand it at this point, and I don’t want to further burden her with the knowledge that she is most definitely not like other kids. She already has moments where she seems so distant and sad, as if she’s pondering how to solve world hunger, wars, and the environment all at once. Why add more weight to such small shoulders?

I don’t want Cordy to feel different, but at the same time I want her to know it’s OK to be different. I sometimes feel like a hypocrite – I’ll stand proud and defend her differences, reminding anyone who would shun her that autism isn’t a choice, but I also want her to improve and hope she’ll be able to fit in better with her peers. It is possible to defend her diffences and yet want her to change in the same breath?

No one said parenting would be easy. It’s no surprise why I watch any show with the word parent in it and participate in the parent blogging community – it’s impossible to do this without looking to others for support and a little validation that I’m not the only one who feels like I’m parenting blindfolded without a net sometimes.



New Blog Post, Now With MORE Evaluations!

Despite knowing that more than half of the adult world are parents, it’s easy to feel alone sometimes. Especially when your kid doesn’t follow that standard growth curve, be it physically, developmentally or socially. You want to talk to other parents about your child, but at the same time, you worry no one will understand. Or worse – they won’t care and instead judge your parenting in its place.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying thank you. Whenever I need advice, encouragement, or just someone to say I hear you, I can always turn to the blogging community for support. My previous post was mostly about me trying to process the news I had been given about Cordy, and all of your comments were very, very welcome. I was feeling a little alone and uncertain about what was the best course of action for her, so crying it out in a blog post seemed like a good way to work through it. It’s a lot of responsibility to make choices that could affect her entire life, and I often worry I’m making the wrong ones.

You’ve given me fresh ways of looking at the situation, new ideas to consider with her team, and a lot more hope that no matter what decision is made, it’ll all work out. This is the heart of blogging for me – the community – and I hope this aspect of blogging never goes away. I no longer feel alone; instead I’m empowered and know that I’m doing the right thing by carefully considering the options and continuing to educate myself more on each option.

At this point, a lot of my worrying is on hold until we find out what schools she’s offered acceptance into next year. Our school district has a lottery for schools, and we can apply for up to three. We’ll have to see what schools are even available to her. Depending on the lottery, she may not even have the choice of a special-needs classroom. Or if we really want to pursue that option, we’ll have to work with school officials to bend the rules to get her where she needs to be.

Instead, I now turn my attention to the question of summer camp. Cordy attended a mainstream summer camp last year with little difficulty (OK, there were a few bumps along the way…), but this year she’s old enough to be in the older kids camp, with a more rigorous schedule. I’m not sure if it would be the best fit or if we should consider a special-needs camp. I’ll be spending the next weeks researching all our options and likely doing more hand-wringing.

And then there’s Mira.

Not content to let her sister get all the attention, she had her own school district evaluation a few weeks ago, and just last week we received the results of that evaluation. A team of experts again convened around a table with me, and one by one they gave me their report on Mira.

(Spoiler: She doesn’t have autism. Not even a chance. At all. Nope, none. Just wanted to get that out there before we begin. Our purpose of the evaluation was to see if she qualified for further speech therapy.)

First, the psychologist explained that Mira scored on the high end of average range for social/emotional skills and adaptive behaviors. She knows how to play the social game, and she has a good grasp of imaginative play and daily living skills. No surprises here.

Then gross and fine motor skills were addressed. She is at the low end of average for both of these, but not behind enough to qualify her for special needs services. Both therapists explained that most of her problems with these areas were in motor planning, and depending on the results of speech would tie in with a diagnosis of speech apraxia.

Then the speech therapist started her presentation. She began with verbal comprehension, and explained that she’s never seen a child of Mira’s age score so high. She was easily working with concepts rated for a five- year-old, and the therapist said she probably could have handled the seven-year-old material but she stopped the test before that point, fearing that Mira would tire out before the other therapists had the chance to evaluate her.

At this point I was resigned to the idea of Mira not qualifying for any additional services. I was hoping she’d be offered some speech therapy through the school district, hoping we could cut back a little on the $100 a week we’re spending on her current speech therapy. But with such good evaluations – even possibly gifted in language! – it seemed unlikely they would want to help her speech issues.

But then the therapist brought up the area of articulation, which in Mira’s case she described as “a mess.” She drops a lot of consonant sounds, substitutes sounds for other consonants, and generally is very hard to understand. In terms of placing her on their scale, she ranked well below the cut off line for average.

Put the articulation and verbal comprehension scores together and she still is average, but in this case the therapist recommended the school district still provide services. They don’t want her to become frustrated at not being understood and then stop trying. We’re lucky that she’s a persistent little thing right now, repeating herself hundreds of times if needed until you understand what she’s trying to say.

So the final verdict was she has all of the signs of speech apraxia, which can be remedied by plenty of speech therapy. I’ll admit, I probably seemed far cooler about this news than they expected. But c’mon – a little speech delay? Pssh – that’s nothing. I can handle that! Did you meet my older daughter three years ago when she scared the school nurse with her violent meltdown? (Side note: the special ed teacher in the room DID meet my shrieking child three years prior, and still clearly remembers that day. She was the one who carried Mira into the building for me that day, and she’s ecstatic to hear of Cordy’s improvements.)

Our choices at this point for Mira are special-needs preschool or just speech therapy. They’re concerned she’ll be bored with her classmates in special-needs preschool, but the benefit is they can also offer her OT and PT to help those minor problems in gross and fine motor skills. Since it’s a half-day program, they recommended placing her in a typical half-day preschool for the other half of the day.

I’m leaning towards that option, only because they also promised me her teacher would be Cordy’s first preschool teacher, Miss Wally. (*Not her real name.) I may not have written much about her, but know that I’d walk through fire for that woman. She worked miracles with Cordy, and I remember last year we both cried – teacher and parent – on Cordy’s last day with her. She told me if Mira ever needed anything, I was to make sure they sent Mira to her. And now they plan to.

So it would appear I now have two children who are considered to be “not typical.” But I don’t mind. They are both awesome little girls, as different as the sun and the moon, and I’m glad I get to be their mother.

As a former quirky, nerdy girl who didn’t fit in, and possibly still doesn’t, these two girls couldn’t be more mine. Aaron would argue that he fits that quirky description, too. Which means we’re the perfect parents for them.

They may debate that statement when they’re teenagers.


I’m Not A Rookie Mom, But Fevers Still Worry Me

Give me a daughter facing the challenges of autism, and I rise to the challenge. Or give me a daughter with a speech delay, and I fearlessly jump in to start early intervention with complete confidence she’ll triumph.

But give me a kid with a hacking cough and a fever of 103.5 who looks this miserable:

…and I’m a puddle of worry.

I’m often impressed with how Cordy and Mira remain so healthy. Sure, they get colds about as often as any other kid, but they are most often minor colds and rarely slow them down. Fevers are always minor – just a little warm, no need for medication. And we’ve had plenty of stomach bugs, but other than the unpleasantness of cleaning up blow-out diapers, they weren’t too bad.

And then Mira’s cough began on Sunday. By yesterday it was a constant, fierce cough that forced her to catch her breath after a coughing fit, along with a fever. She spent last night coughing and crying in her sleep, and I was unable to do anything to make it easier for her.

This morning she slept in, something she rarely does. And then she refused breakfast, something she never does. She didn’t want to play or watch TV – she only wanted to rest her flushed little face against me. Her temp was 103.5.

So I took her to the pediatrician, where I was given few answers: It’s probably not strep. It’s most likely viral, either a throat infection or the flu. No antibiotics for now. Nothing to do at this point but give her ibuprofen round-the-clock on schedule, keep her hydrated, and wait it out.

Wait it out. Sounds so simple, and yet…

Today she didn’t fight her nap for once, and she didn’t pick fights with her sister. She spent a lot of time on me instead of playing with her trains. She’s not herself, and I don’t like that.

Many parents have kids that run fevers like this all the time, and are probably so used to it they would laugh at my hand-wringing and worry. I’ve advised several parents on how much ibuprofen to give and signs/symptoms to watch for, however it’s always different when it’s your kid. This is mostly new to me, and feeling the nape of my smallest child’s neck on fire, even with ibuprofen and Tylenol in her, leaves me feeling helpless.

I’m hoping she’ll wake up tomorrow a little less warm, a little more energetic, and a little closer to putting this behind us. If not, I’ll be right here to provide ibuprofen, refill juice cups, and provide a comfortable lap to cuddle on. I’m thankful to have a job with sick time so I can be home with her when she needs me the most. Because it’s not my nursing skills that are being used here –  it’s being her mommy that magically helps her feel better.

**********

Also, I’m proud to announce I’m one of several talented writer for the new Ohio Moms Blog! (Part of the amazing SV Moms Group.) Stop by for a visit, and be sure to check out my first post there, where I am once again performing amazing feats of hand-wringing.



2010: Now This Is More Like It

I wanted 2010 to be the year of everything awesome. And so far, it’s not too bad. In fact, today kind of feels as far from 2009 as it could possibly be.

After a year and a half of unemployment (aside from a four-month contract job), Aaron started a new job today. It’s only a three-month contract for now, but the plan is to hire him on as a full employee at the end of the contract. Basically, the contract is his trial period. His first day went well: the job is creative and challenging and his coworkers are friendly and welcoming. I’m hoping it works out and he’ll be happy with his work.

As a result of his new job, we had to juggle our childcare situation. Aaron will be working traditional office hours, and while I work nights, we still need someone to cover on the days when I’ve worked and need to sleep. Cordy’s in school full-time, but Mira had only been in preschool two half-days a week.

So today Mira went back to her school, but into a new classroom. She’s attending three full days a week now, giving me a chance to sleep more, and giving Mira what she wants – the chance to spend more time at school. (The other days will be covered by a friend and family.) At two-and-a-half, Cordy hated being outside of the house, and would have fought going to preschool each day. But Mira, our little socialite, loves school and would complain when we picked her up each day.

I worried that a full day schedule might be too much, even for Mira, but when I picked her up at 5:15pm, she responded to seeing me with, “I don’t wanna go home.” Apparently she had a fantastic day, and is thrilled to go back again tomorrow. All is well with the changes in her schedule.

OK, nothing much has changed for Cordy. Other than she will now be sent home with homework starting this week. Homework? In pre-K? School has changed a lot since I was a kid.

As for myself, I’ve got a few days off right now and I’m finding myself happy to be more involved in directly caring for my girls again. Since starting work, I’ve been on the periphery at home, with Aaron taking on the bulk of childcare while I have waffled back and forth between being a day walker and a child of the night. Adjusting my schedule back and forth is terribly hard, leaving me feeling like a shell of myself at home with my family.

But with Aaron working now, I have to step up and force myself to be more involved again – and I like it. I like being the one preparing lunch, doing the school drop-off routine, reading with Cordy, playing games with both girls, etc. I missed doing all of that. Well, maybe not all of it, but a lot of it. We’ll see how things go once I’m back to work later this week. I hope I’ll be able to find some inner strength to be everything to everyone without cracking.

Even our house got a little update today. Thanks to an awesome Black Friday deal, we got a new microwave. Our current one is on a little stand taking up way too much room, and I wanted something above-the-range so I could replace that little stand with a pantry. Today, part one of that plan was accomplished:

Before:

Um, yeah, ignore the mess around the range.

After:

Shiny! Pretty!

So yeah, let’s keep 2010 moving right along on this positive wave, OK?

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