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Jul 9, 2010

Mind Over Matter

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So I’ve been fairly successful so far with the Couch to 5K training program. Each week has been progressively harder, but I’ve managed to glide through most of it with little difficulty. OK, the 3 minute run intervals in week 3 were a little tough, but I recovered quickly and didn’t feel beat up at the end of my run.

But then came week 4.

The plan for week 4 is to run for 3 minutes, walk for 1.5 minutes, then run for 5 minutes, walk for 2.5 minutes, and then repeat all of that one more time. That equals a total run time of 16 minutes. Now, before this week, the total run time was 9 minutes. Adding 7 minutes to the run time seemed like an awfully big jump to me, not to mention running for 5 minutes seems like forever.

From the second I completed the last day of week 3, I agonized over how I was going to handle week 4. I got stuck on this week last year, unable to force my body to comply with a 5 minute run. How in the world was I going to do this without blowing out a lung? Or a spleen?

Today was the big day. And wouldn’t you know it – the hottest day of the year so far. At 8:30am, it was already 79 degrees and muggy. But I refused to back down, putting on my running shoes, grabbing my iPhone and heading for the sidewalk. I was going to do this.

The first 3 minute run was hard, but then again, the first run interval is always hard on me. My knees use that first interval as their attempt to stop me by aching and stiffening up. It’s not until the second interval that a pleasant numbness sets in through my legs and I forget about any knee pain. It felt like 3 minutes were taking forever – I was surprised how far I was traveling. At the end of that interval, I slowed to a walk and caught my breath, glancing down at my iPhone to see how little time I had to recover before starting the first 5 minute run.

I wasn’t ready for the 5 minute run, but started on cue anyway. I focused on my breathing and keeping my pace slow, refusing to look at how much time I had left. After what seemed like forever, I gave in to glance at my iPhone, sure that I was nearly done with this interval. 2:39 remaining! I’m never going to make it! I thought. The sun was beating down on me and I could feel the heat radiating all around me.

Somehow I did make it, slowing to a walk again and gasping for air. The second 3 minute interval wasn’t bad, as I was focused on how I could get through the final interval without passing out on the sidewalk. I could see the headlines: Fat girl collapses while running in small suburban neighborhood during heat wave – health officials respond with “well, duh!”

I started the final 5 minute run determined that nothing was going to stop me. It’s all in your head, I told myself, mind over matter. If I believed I could do it, then I’d do it. But then my breathing pattern got out of whack, and I was gasping for air. My knees started screaming at me again, and a small pain started in my side. I tried to distract myself with anything just to keep plodding along at my slow jogging pace. Look at the trees! Count the houses! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, just keep swimming…

Unable to resist, I looked at my iPhone: 1:45 left to go, and I was out of distractions. At that point I chose a new tactic, mentally yelling at myself, You will not f*cking quit! You will not be a quitter! over and over.

After all, I’ve quit so many things in my life. When something got tough, I just quit. It was easier to drown my depression in a Big Mac than to face my issues. Sitting on the couch watching TV never made me sweat or feel sore. A Snickers bar wouldn’t tease me or call me a nerd. Got humiliated – yet again – by a boy I was crushing on at school? No prob – my friends Ben & Jerry were there to console me. Couldn’t keep up with others in a dance? Fake an injury and quietly excuse myself to the sidelines.

There are a lot of things I’m good at. Most of them involve my brain and not my muscles. Those things require little to no effort, and so I’ve never had to quit them. It’s probably a good thing that I was born smart or I likely would have quit at school as well.

Interpersonal relationships and physical activity, though? The first I’m no good with but continue to try at (with plenty of escapes to food or other comforts to combat anxiety and defeat), and the other I’ve failed at repeatedly. I’m not athletic. I always came in last for every activity during Field Day in elementary school. I tripped over my patrol flag in 5th grade and broke my arm. I never made it on any sports team in high school. I’m best left at a desk by myself with a computer.

But I finished that run. My beautiful and tortured mind won out and got me through to the 5 minute mark, despite the heat, despite my burning lungs, despite the hefty frame I forced my muscles to move. As I walked back home, I felt lightheaded and dizzy, my head just as numb as my body. I knew I should be proud of that moment, and I was, although my mind used its rare moment of triumph to remind me that I barely survived 5 minutes, whereas other people can run hours.

I’m not letting that dark little voice get the best of me. Some part of me awakened today and fought past the negativity generated by a lifetime of being told I’m not good enough and will never be good enough. I don’t want to quit this time.

I ran for 5 minutes straight today. Twice. 16 minutes total.

And I’m going to do it again.

Filed Under: c25k, motivation · Tagged:


Jul 6, 2010

A Tale of Two Girls (and One Dress)

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One advantage of having two daughters? Re-using some of the cutest outfits. And then comparing photos of them in said cute outfits.

Today’s dress? A lovely orange and yellow floral dress bought for Cordy by her Aunt Katie.

Now worn by Mira.

(Why must she always give me the “Are you kidding me?” look when I ask her to smile?)

Age difference – almost a year and a half. Cordy wore it at 19 months and it was nearly too tight. Mira now wears it at 3 years old and it’s nearly too tight.

It’s a size 3.

They’re both Amazons in their own way. And yet again I have another dress that I never want to get rid of.

Filed Under: Amazons, Cordy, memories, Mira ·


Jul 1, 2010

Trying Again

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Hmmm, OK, so I don’t seem to be doing a very good job with this whole keeping track of my weight loss stuff. However, a few things have changed, and I’m ready to keep myself accountable again. And – as every good recovering addict says – and this time, I mean it!

First off, I’m running again. OK, running isn’t exactly accurate. More like walking with periods of jogging so slow that a speed walker could lap me. I decided to start over with the Couch to 5K program, thanks to a little iPhone app that makes it ten thousand times more pleasant by giving me cues while also letting me listen to my own music. My stats so far –

June 14: Week 1, Day 1 of Couch to 5K (C25K from here on out)
June 15: Week 1, Day 2 of c25k
June 18: Week 1, Day 3 of c25k
June 22: Week 2, Day 1 of c25k
June 23: Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD (evil…more on that later)
June 28: Week 2, Day 2 of c25k
June 30: Week 2, Day 3 of c25k

I’m finding I like running more than I did last year. I think it’s because I’m running outdoors, which I’ll admit is more challenging, but also just more interesting as well.

I’m also tapping into all kinds of social media to hold myself accountable. My iPhone app has a “publish to Facebook & Twitter” option. And I signed up at DailyMile. I understand my friends may not be all that interested in knowing that I finished week 2 of c25k, but if it helps me keep going, they’ll have to deal with my constant updates!

As for the 30 Day Shred – while it produced amazing results for me last year, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Shred and my knees are not compatible. Running I can handle, as it is a simple forward motion, but the lateral moves in the Shred leave my knees sore for days, making the next run so much harder. I love ya, Jillian, and I’ll always be a Shredhead, but I have to move on to more knee-friendly ways to get in shape.

The final topic for today: my weight. Go on, take a guess. If you said 187, you and my scale have a psychic connection! Or you’re a frequent reader. Or my scale needs new batteries. Either way, I’m still the same weight, and no running or eating vegetables seems to change that. It’ll come, it’ll come…and maybe I’ll convince myself of that someday, too.

Next week is a harder week – I go from running 1.5 minute intervals to having to accomplish a 3 minute interval. I remember this was hard to do last year, and I have no idea how my body will react this year. Maybe it’ll be the kick I need to finally dip below 187?

Filed Under: c25k, weigh-in · Tagged:


Jun 28, 2010

Local, Healthy, Yummy

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This year we decided to be wild and crazy and join a CSA. What’s a CSA, you ask? Well, you could click the link that explains it, or I could just tell you that it’s like buying a share of a local farm. You pay your set price for a share of the farm, helping the farm cover operating expenses, and in return you get a share of the harvest from that farm.

Every week we get new and delicious vegetables delivered to our door. I’ll admit – I’m not much of a vegetable expert, and occasionally I find something green in the cooler that I don’t recognize. But most of the time I get excited to peek in the cooler, seeing a vegetable I wouldn’t have ever thought of buying, but something I know I like.

This is what greeted me the first week:

And this week, when I checked to see what the produce fairy had left on my doorstep, I squealed as I spied several ears of sweet corn and a green pepper, along with some lettuce, green onions and spinach.

So far I’m loving our CSA. It’s giving me a reason to eat more vegetables – I’ve had corn two nights in a row now, and will likely have it tonight as well – and we’re helping to support a local farm. We know where our food came from, we know how they grow it, and we can visit the farm any day we want to. And our food doesn’t have to travel long distances to reach us, reducing the amount of energy required to transport it.

If you have a CSA in your area, I highly recommend looking into it. If not, or if you can’t commit to that amount of produce, find a farmer’s market nearby and search for local fruits and vegetables on a per-week basis. I can’t guarantee it’ll make your kids want to eat their vegetables any more than they do now, but it might get them a little more excited about learning about where their food comes from.

Filed Under: daily life, healthy living ·


Jun 22, 2010

An Entirely Different Summer

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Last week was Cordy’s first week of summer camp. I drafted up a supplies list for Aaron to assemble for Cordy, and on Monday he took her for her first day at a school she’s never been to. She protested a little that she didn’t want to go to this summer camp, and she missed her old school, but Aaron kept reminding her that she would have fun at this camp. At least, we hoped she’d have fun at this camp.

When it was time to choose a summer camp, we were down to two choices. One was a special-needs summer camp, where we knew she’d be accepted without question. Her autism would be taken into account and her teachers would be trained to handle any meltdowns or odd behavior. The second camp was a Montessori-based summer camp that would be filled with typical children and could pose a challenge to Cordy. The teachers assured us they had experience dealing with children on the autism spectrum, but the routine was more fluid and therefore it carried the risk of upsetting Cordy’s need for consistency.

We chose the Montessori camp. As has been proven before, if you push Cordy right to the edge of her limits, she often learns from the challenge and grows as a result. I didn’t want her in a special needs camp when I know how easy it is for her to regress. If she’s going to prove to the school system that she deserves to be mainstreamed, then she must start surviving in a class with typical peers.

Of course I was terrified. I remembered last year, when certain teachers in her summer camp made it perfectly clear that they didn’t think she belonged with typical kids. I remember feeling guilty for expecting the teachers to deal with her issues. I only wanted her to have fun and make friends. By the end of the summer, I doubted that she could name any of the kids in her class, and she had been banned from swimming lessons after several meltdowns.

This year? Totally different.

This summer camp reports that she’s a little shrieky at times, but overall is doing really well. They asked early on for tips on how to handle her, and they took our advice to give her plenty of notice before transitions and help her talk through her feelings when she’s upset by a sensory overload. There have been no calls home in the middle of the afternoon. She likes to wear her bathing suit and play in the splashing pools. When Aaron picks her up each day, she’s often playing with other kids. Best of all, she says she wants to go back the next day.

I don’t know if it’s just because she’s older, or if it’s the school’s style of teaching or just great teachers, but so far it’s working. She fits in with the other kids, she’s happy, and there have been no complaints from the teachers about her behavior. I’m hoping this experience will yet again challenge her, helping her grow beyond the anxieties and difficulties she battles everyday.

Who knows? Maybe this summer camp will make it possible to transition her into a mainstream kindergarten even faster?

Either way, knowing she’s having a great summer is one less worry for me, and that makes me happy.

Side note: Those close to me may realize I’m entirely avoiding discussing how I feel about being 34 years old as of yesterday with this post. I had a birthday. I’m a year older. Nothing much to discuss.

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Filed Under: Autism, Cordy, growing up, school ·