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Feb 14, 2011

Behaving Badly

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Over the weekend, I made my weekly pilgrimage to Target, shrine of everything-you-need and even more that you probably don’t need, but hey, it’s cute and in the dollar bin!

The first game at Target is always finding a parking spot. I cruised down one aisle, but all of the spots were taken, so I decided to take a right and try the next aisle over.

As I made the turn, a middle-aged couple were walking from the store out into that aisle. They were walking right down the middle of the aisle, to be specific. I wasn’t in a hurry, though, so I slowly inched forward behind them. The woman drifted over to the far left side, but the man remained in the middle of the aisle, clearly planning to keep his course.

He did start to drift to the right side, though, leaving the middle of the road open for me. I guessed that they must have different cars, since they were on different sides of the aisle and he had fallen behind her in pace, so I slowly drove between them (with plenty of room on each side) and then pulled into an open space on the left, pausing to make sure the woman wasn’t going to cross the open space. She instead went to the car just before the space.

As I put the car in park, out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the man beside my window. Apparently they were taking the same car. He was opening up the passenger door of his car, and in that side-glance instant, I caught him peering into my window, his eyes attempting to bore holes into me with hatred.

I was immediately uncomfortable and turned my head to the passenger seat, taking extra time to gather up my purse and put away my keys. Did I really see that or was that side-glance misinterpreted? Confused, I turned back and prepared to get out of the car, knowing he was still likely right there.

As I opened the door, my eyes trying to remain anywhere but near a human being, I was aware that he was already in his car. But my eyes again drifted up and there staring right at me from the passenger seat in the next car over, was a man I’d never met before, with a look on his face like he was about to jump out of his car and beat me. In that quick glance, his eyes, his body language communicated that he hated me. I’ve never seen so much negative energy coming off of a person before, especially towards someone he didn’t even know.

I quickly closed my door and walked away, still unsure of exactly what happened and not wanting to wait around to give the guy a chance to speak. What could I have done to make this person so angry? I kept my car well behind them when they were walking to their car, never wanting to be pushy. And if he was upset that I was somehow pushy for trying to drive down that aisle, did that infraction truly deserve that severe of a response? Even if he was just having a bad day, why take it out on me?

I’d like to think this was an isolated incident, but I’ll admit I’m seeing it more and more every day.

Like the person yelling at a customer service representative because they didn’t ring up the right sale price at the register.

Like the guy weaving through traffic, nearly causing accidents because he’s more important than anyone else on the road and deserves to get there first.

Like a parent blowing up at a neighbor for having the nerve to ask her child to please not walk through her flower garden, screaming that no one tells her child what to do but her.

People – we’re losing our ability to interact with each other.When the world around you feels more like a reality TV show and less like actual reality, something is wrong.

Our society is teetering towards a loss of all civility. It’s like people are rebelling from the politically correct atmosphere of the last decade and swinging to the polar opposite. Maybe all of the power of anonymity on the internet is spilling over into our day-to-day behavior? (Note to offenders: when you act like an internet troll to the people in your community, we actually know who you are. And then don’t like you.) 

We’re becoming a Jerry Springer culture, zero-to-pissed-off-and-swinging in 2.3 seconds. If someone does something that inconveniences you, clearly they meant to do it and therefore deserve to be punished. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is unheard of, and if done generally means that you’ll be the loser when the other person chooses to strike first in the war of angry words.

 I’m so sick of it.

Look, I’m socially awkward, but even I know the basics of how to behave in public. Be nice to people. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If you’re upset, bring it up to the person calmly and rationally and give the other person a chance to explain or make it right.

People who get angry all the time intimidate me – I never know when they’re going to blow up next. My coping mechanism is to conjure up the image of screeching chimpanzees: out-of-control and primitive, which is really how these people are behaving. And when you imagine them as chimps, they look ridiculous.
My challenge to all of you is to practice kindness this week. Do something nice at a moment when no one expects it. If you feel like you’re about to yell, pause and ask yourself if it’s really worth it to pummel the other person with all of that negativity. Slow down. Make others smile.
And for goodness sake, show some understanding and love to all of the random people you interact with in public each day. Don’t be the chimpanzee in the room.
Filed Under: daily life, love, rant · Tagged:


Feb 14, 2011

My Week In Hell (Er, Bootcamp)

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So…bootcamp.

Yeah. Wow.

I knew going in that it wasn’t going to be easy. And for a program designed for people to lose weight, I was a little intimidated by all of the thin young women I saw in the class. But I showed up for my first class, took my place (in the back of the class) and was determined to do my best.

It was hard, but it wasn’t impossible. The instructor started off with some basic cardio moves involving the step, and I easily followed along. It wasn’t until near the end, when we began switching into more strength moves that I started to struggle a little. Still, I finished strong, and not once did I feel any lightheadedness or urge to vomit.

Actually, all urges to vomit came the next night, when a stomach virus hit me out of nowhere. Ugh. Once again, I’ll say a stomach virus might just be the quickest way to lose weight, but certainly not the most pleasant or one I’d recommend.

By Thursday night (24 hours later) I was able to stomach some solid food again, and by Friday I was nearly back to normal. Which is good, because my second day of bootcamp was Saturday morning.

This particular program features 2 classes a week. One class is the traditional “bootcamp” with a mix of cardio and strength training. The second is what they call QVR (for quick, visible results), which is completely a strength training class with weights. I had been warned by a certain someone that QVR was harder than bootcamp, so I was prepared for the worst when I arrived on Saturday.

It was crowded when I arrived. Due to the success of the Groupon deal, they had more new recruits than they could handle. So they had to split the class into two. I was a little disappointed, because I’ve never worked with a weight bench and really wanted to, but my class was sent to the other room to work with free weights.

The instructor asked everyone to get a dumbbell, but she chose the weight for us. When it was my turn, I flashed my best pathetic smile and said, “Hi, I’m a newbie and a weakling,” as I eyed the 5lb weights. She took a hard look at me and handed me a 10lb weight. I tried to argue, but she was already on to the next person. Huh, maybe she knows something about me that I don’t, I thought.

The class started with lower body strength training and it didn’t take long before I broke a sweat. Lunges holding the weight, wide-leg squats dangling the weight, calf raises, dead lifts…they were difficult but not impossible. But that 10lb weight…it was getting heavy already.

When we moved into upper body routines, I started to lose any confidence I had. I normally use a 3lb weight for videos, and a 10lb weight felt damn near impossible at times. My arms trembled, I had trouble even lifting the weight from starting position at times, and I didn’t do nearly as many reps as the instructor was counting out. I was panting, grunting, whining, and my shirt was completely damp from sweat. A 10lb weight was WAY too hard for me.

For the last 15 minutes of class, I kept noticing the lights flickering in the room. That’s odd, I thought, why do the lights keep flickering? I finally asked the woman next to me, who confirmed that no, the lights weren’t flickering at all. Ah. So this is what it feels like when you’re close to passing out.

I grabbed my Gatorade and tried to give my body a little sugar to help with the stress I was putting it through. It gave me just enough energy to finish. In the cooldown, I was hit with nausea, but I focused on my breathing and it passed after a few minutes. I barely had the energy to haul my sorry self off the floor and put my hated 10lb weight back on the rack.

I left feeling broken. My arms felt like limp spaghetti, my legs ached. But an hour or so later I felt…good. Energized. Powerful. I was tired, but it was an exhaustion from solid work.

Yesterday? Oh, I hurt. A lot. And I still let out a small groan when I sit down sometimes. But I’m totally going back this week. If they can force me to work harder than I usually do, then I expect some awesome results when it’s over in 11 more weeks.

Oh, and current weight: 177. Lowest I’ve seen in a while!

Filed Under: motivation, ow · Tagged:


Feb 8, 2011

Confession and Penance

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OK, first the confession: my plan to join in on the morning fitness scheduled at Blissdom? Didn’t happen. I have no one to blame by myself for that, too.

The first morning, I mistakenly set my alarm for PM instead of AM, so it didn’t go off and my body took full advantage of the extra sleep. The second morning, I was feeling unwell after a night full of rich foods and way too much wine, so I chose to sleep in and rest my poor angry stomach.

In my defense, I do work third shift, so mornings are usually the worst time ever to ask me to be awake.

The good news is that despite the lack of formal exercise, and despite being surrounded by a non-stop array of delicious foods (Blue Bunny ice cream! Lobster bisque from Red Lobster!) I didn’t gain a pound while in Nashville. I did eat plenty of good food, but the Gaylord Opryland is practically a city within itself, so you have to walk a mile to get anywhere. I may not have been in a group fitness class, but I logged a lot of distance in my shoes!

But this week, oh, I’m gonna be served some serious penance. You see, last month Groupon ran a special for a 6 week bootcamp program offered by Body by Todd here in Columbus. It includes two 1-hour sessions a week, with the promise of serious results if you stick with the program. The deal was too good to pass up (seriously, it was like 90% off the usual price!), so I bought it.

On Saturday I went for my “fitness evaluation” which was really more an orientation of the facility and how they operate. It was a little frightening. I mean, the facility is very nice, and the trainers seem dedicated to helping people reach their goals, but it sounds…hard.

Everyone has to bring a Gatorade to their first three sessions in case we feel any nausea and need to get our blood sugar up right away. We also bring our own towels and were told that we will be dripping with sweat. Wet with sweat and a threat of vomiting – sounds like lots of fun, right?

I’m aware this will be hard. However, I rarely make enough time to take care of myself, choosing instead to let other things get in the way of my needs. For the next 12 weeks (I bought 2 of the Groupons), I have two classes that I’m scheduled to attend, and I will attend them because I’ve paid for them and won’t let that money go to waste. At the bare minimum I will have two hard workouts each week, with the hopes that I’ll squeeze in some workouts at home in addition.

And during the fitness evaluation, the trainer was reviewing my materials and saw my goal weight listed. My weigh-in weight was 181, and I wrote 155 as my goal weight. She looked me up and down for a moment, then said, “Hmm, you want to get to 155? Well, I’m going to list your goal weight as 155-162. At 155, you’ll be SKINNY!”

I nearly laughed. 155 is considered the top of the “normal” BMI range for my height. I’ve always seen it as my “wouldn’t it be nice, but not dreaming too big” goal, because I figured I’d still be heavy at that weight, just not quite as bad. Hearing her say I’d be skinny at 155 made me feel really good about that goal, or even getting near it.

I’ll report back after my torture tonight – it’s my first bootcamp session. Here’s hoping I don’t vomit or pass out!

Filed Under: Uncategorized · Tagged: ,


Feb 4, 2011

Blissdom Bloggy Love

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I’m still coming down from my Blissdom high as I settle back into real life. The one thing that really frustrates me about going to blog conferences is that I always miss the people when I come back home. I’ve made some great friends through blogging, as well as met so many interesting people, and coming back home only reminds me that I live so far away from most of them and can’t have those inspiring conversations every week.

(I still love all of my local friends, too. Don’t want you to think that you have to live 100+ miles away for me to love you.)

So today I just want to share with all of you some of the people who made Blissdom extra special for me. If you don’t already know some of these women, be sure to click through and visit them.

Heather at Domestic Extraordinaire – Heather is one of my best blog friends, and I’m always happy for the chance to spend time with her. Considering we’ve endured 2 road trips to Blissdom and the nightmare Amtrak experience from BlogHer together and still like each other, I’d say that’s true friendship. Anytime I see her at a conference, I know I don’t need to put up any pretenses – I can just be myself around her.

Cecily at Uppercase Woman – Cecily is someone I had the privilege of getting to know better at Blog World in Las Vegas back in October. I admire her strength and her unwavering determination to be exactly who she wants to be and create her own happiness no matter the circumstance. And at Blissdom I especially admired her mad make-up skills (that she provided for me when I begged): she can create a “smokey eye” better than anyone I know. She’s beautiful inside and out.

Lisa at Condo Blues – Lisa was my Blissdom roomie, as well as someone I’ve been friends with since before the invention of blogging. (You know, back when it was called keeping a journal.) She also served as my flight partner and put up with my snoring without complaint. When I needed reassurance before stepping out the door of our hotel room, she was there to provide it.

Lia at Mama’s Starting Over – The greatest and most pleasant shock at Blissdom came when Lia sent me a Facebook message telling me she was on her way to Nashville. It was awesome to hug an old blog friend and spend some time catching up. Our lives have taken some dramatic turns in the past few years, and I was so happy to see her doing well.

Casey at Moosh in Indy – She makes me laugh, she makes me wish I could be as cool as her, and she let me touch her pregnant belly. No one makes pregnant look as good as her. She also shared her drugs with me, for which I’m eternally grateful.

Mishi at Secret Agent Mama – I trust this lovely woman enough to let her into my hotel room so that she could take pictures of me wearing next to nothing. She always has a smile, and she makes everyone feel welcome.

Carmen at Mom to the Screaming Masses – Simply one of the most beautiful women I know, and my fitness role model. I have no idea how she does it all, but I’m glad that she carved out enough time to come to Blissdom!

Lisa at St. Louis Family Life – Another old blog friend (not that she’s old – just that she’s a blogging old-timer like me!) that I wasn’t expecting to see. I’m so glad she patiently waited for me to finish talking with a Jockey representative (had to get my free workout gear, right?) and made sure to say hi. It felt great to talk with her again, and she introduced me to other St. Louis bloggers I can’t wait to get to know better.

Elizabeth at BusyMom – This woman is funny. And I mean ALWAYS funny. OK, maybe we had some serious conversations about the nursing profession, but no one else heard them so I have no proof that a serious conversation with her existed. But I’m thankful for those moments I did get to talk with her, whether serious or not.

Diane at Momo Fali – Yes, she’s a local, and yet we seem to only see each other when we travel hundreds of miles to conferences. (We need to work on that.) Not only can we compare stories of living in Columbus, but if you’re scared of flying, there’s no one better to fly scared with. Our flight home was all the better at each of us sucking in air in unison when the plane hit a bump of air.

Anissa at FreeAnissa – If ever I start to feel a dark mood coming on, or find myself feeling like the uncool kid at the party, I just need to find Anissa. She’ll give me a smile, a hug, and crack an inappropriate boob joke and suddenly everything is better.

OK, I’m running out of steam, but there are so many others I’d love to mention, too: Aimee who made room for me at lunch one day, Hannah who bought me one too many drinks and can dance ’til dawn, Emily who gave me one of her much-coveted Diet Cokes, and the list goes on and on and on.

Not only am I enough, but so are each of these brilliant women. You’re all perfect.

Filed Under: Blissdom, me me me · Tagged:


Feb 1, 2011

I Am Enough

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I survived Blissdom.

Actually, it would be more accurate to write I thrived at Blissdom. More than once during the conference I found myself saying, “This is bliss.” From the beautiful setting of the Opryland hotel, to the chair massages and manicures, to the lobster bisque provided in the expo area, to seeing and spending time with so many women I love and respect, it was a wonderful experience.

The first post I write post-conference is always hard. I’ve been surrounded by so much talent for days that I’m both inspired and intimidated when I stare at the blank New Post screen. So much I want to say, and yet so much anxiety that I could never say it as well as others and never will be able to match them in their gift for the written word.

This time, however, I had the privilege of listening to Brene Brown during the opening keynote. Thanks to her wise words I was given a new outlook on being vulnerable, and found comfort in the simple phrase, “I am enough.”

Because let’s face it: I’ve never been enough. My entire life has been filled with not being enough. I was a smart child, but I wasn’t quite a genius, so it wasn’t good enough for some who were supposed to have loved me. I was socially awkward, which wasn’t good enough for my peers. I wasn’t enough for someone to love with all of their heart, and so I was cheated on in relationships. It was easy to internalize all of those messages into one great big feeling of inadequacy, knowing there was always someone who was better at anything I did.

Those feelings of shame are good at building a protective little cocoon around a bruised and battered ego. But in doing so, the real person gets buried deep behind the protective walls, barricaded against vulnerability. Turns out, though, being vulnerable can be kind of freeing. Being vulnerable lets your unique light shine through to everyone. And in listening to Brene Brown speak, I came to a conclusion that I’ve been working towards for years now: I don’t have to live up to the expectations of others, or live in anyone’s shadow. I can be enough for me and for those who matter the most to me.

I want to be more vulnerable, to worry less about how others see me and more about how I see my progress towards my own happiness. It’s a big step to take, having hidden so many of my quirks for so long as I tried to conform to everyone else’s ideals. But I have a very quirky autistic daughter. Cordy is quickly reaching an age where she will become aware of just how different she is. I don’t want her to suffer through shame as she forces herself to conform and then fails to reach the gold standard of “good enough” to everyone else. I want her to be happy with herself, and that will be a hard message to teach if I can’t walk the walk myself.

It’s not too often that you come home from a blogging conference with a new outlook on life. I’m looking forward to what I can discover about myself.

Dare to be stupid. (Thank you, Weird Al.) Dare to fail. It’s time to stop being scared of what others will think. Welcome to my blog, folks. I don’t promise enlightenment from reading this, and I don’t even promise you’ll like me. But that’s OK. I can’t be everything to everyone.

I am enough.

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Filed Under: Blissdom, Cordy, me me me ·