I thought about writing out a bunch of resolutions for 2006 today. However, I haven’t really thought of any yet. Resolutions generally come to me close to midnight on New Year’s Eve, after a drink or two. Which, of course, makes me oh so likely to keep them.

Instead, I thought I’d look back on the year that was 2005 for me. It was a year of tremendous change, some hard decisions, and a little hardship. But it was also a year of tremendous growth, joy, and love. This may be a bit boring for many to read, but I feel the need to recap 2005. And it’s my blog, so I can write what I want. Nyah.

January
I started off 2005 in turmoil. Cordelia was three months old, and I was an exhausted, emotional wreck thanks to the double whammy of postpartum depression and a baby with colic. To make matters worse, on the first work day of the new year I was expected to be back in the office for work.

Now, I had worked from home as a telecommuter for my company for over 4 years. One of the reasons Aaron and I decided to have Cordy when we did was because we knew I could stay home with her while still working full time. Funny how things can change. While I was on maternity leave, the company abruptly laid off 20 people, and decided to end all telecommuting. This forced several people to quit, but we couldn’t live on one income alone, so back into the office I had to go.

With only a month to find daycare for a three month old (ranks right up there with trying to find a hamburger in a Hindu temple or a babysitter on New Year’s Eve), we thought all hope was lost. A small miracle came in the form of Aaron’s aunt, who was the director of the daycare for the Columbus Jewish Center. Even though there was a waiting list, she pulled a few strings and got Cordy in. So the first week of January, I went back to cubicle life, and Cordy started at daycare. I cried most of that week.

Oh, and to add more insult to injury, I was denied the private room for pumping that I had been promised before I came back. On my first day back, I asked my manager where the private room had been set up. He told me, “Oh, we didn’t do it. You can just use the bathroom.” Heh. I could use the grimy single stall bathroom to pump for 30 minutes, thereby locking out every other woman on the second floor. Pissed off doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt.

March
I had made an effort to be positive about coming back into the office, but it wasn’t working. I hated being there for 8 hours a day, knowing I could do my work in under 5 and then be out doing something else if I was at home. I also missed Cordelia so much. I saw her for a half hour in the morning, then after picking her up from daycare, I’d see her another hour or so before she went to bed. The lack of pumping and fewer nursing sessions caused me to dry up as well. I felt like I wasn’t living – I was just going through the motions of life. And this little baby was more and more a stranger to me.

Cordy’s colic had subsided, but she was a very poor napper, especially at daycare. While they were always extremely nice to her, I could tell that her cranky attitude and poor sleep skills were not winning friends. Every day’s verbal report would start with, “She only napped [some terribly small amount] minutes today,” spoken by an exasperated caregiver. While they always said she had a great day, Aaron and I could tell in their voices that she was a real pain in the butt. That’s our little girl.

April
I was done going through the motions. Cordy was beginning to sit up on her own now, and as she accomplished new tasks, I found myself needing to be with her more each day. I was determined to get to know my daughter again!

Aaron and I talked it over, and I started applying for other jobs. I had a great lead on a contractor position for another e-learning company, and the first interview went great!

May
I interviewed for a part-time position for a local university as a student advisor. With my background, I was a good fit, and I was offered the job. But giving up my full time salary (which was more than double this part-time job, and which was also more than Aaron’s salary) was a difficult decision. However, the other e-learning company had promised me work, so we thought I’d be able to do contract work from home to supplement the income. I accepted the university position, and started my training in mid-May.

June
Cordy was still in daycare until I could finish my training. I was waiting to hear back on my first project for the e-learning company. I waited. And waited. And waited. I sent an e-mail, and the owner told me he was just waiting for the project to be finalized. I waited some more. I e-mailed again, and he said they were still working out the details. I e-mailed one more time, offering to work on a different project. This time I got no response.

It seems I had been dropped, without the decency of telling me they didn’t need me. Damn! I knew I should have asked for something in writing. Now there was no extra work, and the paychecks were already getting slim. Things between Aaron and I were fairly tense, because all of my assurances that the financial situation would change little had proven to be wrong. I had given up our financial security that we had worked so hard towards for the past year.

July
The second day of July, Cordy crawled for the first time! I was so excited and happy that she chose to save that special event for me and not daycare. Also, by the end of the month, my training was complete, and we were able to take Cordy out of daycare. Things were really looking up!

September
We celebrated Cordy’s first birthday was a great party. Lots of family and friends, the requisite cake all over the face shot, etc. My job was challenging enough to keep me happy, and working 24 hours a week gave me so much more time with Cordy.

October
I had been working 4 days a week (two 8-hour days, two 4-hour days), but with the price of gas being so high, I hated making the drive that many days a week. I spoke with my supervisor, and asked if I could switch to three 8-hour days. He did a little checking into it, and approved my request! Once again, I realized how much I loved my new job. I had a supervisor who actually cared about my work-life balance.

During this month I was also hit with a huge bout of mommy-brain. Somehow, I forgot to pay nearly an entire month’s worth of bills. I honestly have no idea how it escaped me, since I am usually very money smart. We were hit with a few late fees, but I did eventually get everything straightened out.

December
We had a crazy holiday marathon with three days of visiting family and celebrating. Cordy also started walking on her own this month! Her vocabulary is also growing at a rapid pace of about one new word a week. As a family, we are so happy together.

I’m amazed all of this happened in just one year. At the start of the year, we were tired fledgling parents, frazzled yet financially doing well. Now we feel more confident in our roles as Cordy’s parents, and a routine has been established. We’re barely squeaking by now financially, but the change has given us so much more.

Since Cordy left daycare, she’s only been sick twice, as compared to the near-continuous cold she had the entire time she was in daycare. She’s happier now, I think, and she appears to feel more secure. She sees so much more of us – since I work different hours than Aaron, he and Cordy have their bedtime routine established now. It’s adorable. And I have the time to take Cordy to the zoo, to the children’s museum, and lots of other places.

I am in no way saying daycare is horrible. Long ago I worked in daycare, and I really enjoyed my time there. I am grateful for those who cared for Cordy, and I have no doubt that she enjoyed her time there. But now I am a little closer to what I had intended when I was pregnant with Cordelia. I only wish I could have had a more family-friendly employer to avoid all of this.

And my God it’s harder, too. I will happily stand up and salute those parents who stay home with their kids. On my days off, I occasionally wonder why I decided to put myself through so much work as I chase Cordy around the house, trying to clean her messy hands before she puts them on every surface available at her height.

But then she’ll walk up to me, place her little sticky hands on each side of my face, give a wide grin and say “Hi!”in her little happy voice before collapsing into me for a hug. At that point I know everything was worth it this year.

Over the past few weeks, Cordy has made some amazing transitions. Some for the better, some for the, well, let’s just say not-so-better. Three that stick in my mind right now:

Walking:
At her birthday party in September, Cordy could toddle stiff-legged behind a push toy, but couldn’t walk on her own. Actually, she could only go in a straight line with the push toy, then whine until I turned it around.

November showed some progress, with her taking 2-5 steps between Aaron and I, as we showered her with praise to encourage her. She still showed no interest in really stepping out on her own.

Finally, in early December, she started to take those few, unassisted and unprompted, steps. As the parent who thought my daughter would be crawling to elementary school, I was thrilled. But while she started walking on her own, crawling was still the preferred method of locomotion. I again wondered why she insisted on crawling so much when the world was so much more interesting from a higher vantage point!

Today, she spent this afternoon trying to figure out how to get out from under the dining room table. She had crawled under it to retrieve a toy, then tried to stand up and bumped her head. Instead of just crawling back out, she continued to try to stand, cracking her head each time. I reached under the table, trying to convince her there were easier ways to test the height of an object, but she cried in frustration (and likely a sore head).

Then I realized: my crawler now favored walking over crawling! I’m not sure when the transition actually happened, but it’s wonderful to put her down someplace and not worry about her immediately dropping to her hands and knees, finding the most germ-ridden spot she can crawl to. Now she can walk to the spot and bend down to put her hands in filth. I finally have a walker.

Bathtime:
As a newborn, Cordy tolerated and possibly even enjoyed her bath. She would lay on the soft cushion, kicking her legs in the water and gazing up at us with that infant sense of wonder.

Then she learned to sit up, and somewhere around the same time developed an intense fear of water. Bathtime became nothing but a struggle. She did not enjoy splashing, she did not have any interest in her bath toys. She just. wanted. out. NOW!

And Cordelia was quite good at convincing anyone in earshot that we were bathing her in hydrochloric acid and not water. Her screams echoed in the hallway, down the stairs, and filled the house. Once she learned to pull up and stand, it got worse. Bathing generally involved two people – one to wash her, and one to hold her down as she fought like a wet cat to climb out of the tub. We discovered just how strong a determined child can be – it’s quite amazing, really.

Aaron and I used to argue over when to give her a bath. A typical conversation:

“She doesn’t smell too bad, we can wait another day, can’t we?”
“Her hair is greasy, and she just rolled all over a dusty floor.”
“OK, fine, she’s dirty. Can we just clean her off with wet wipes?”

Once again, sometime around mid-December, things changed. Cordy would peer over the side of the tub when the water was running, and tried to reach in to touch it. One day I placed her in the tub, and she stood there, but didn’t cry. Stunned by this, I didn’t force her to sit down.

I gave her time to get used to the water, and soon she willingly sat down! As I looked around, wondering what cleaning solution she got into under the sink to make her behave this way, she took a bath toy and started splashing and laughing. From that day, she’s taken her baths without complaint, save for complaining about having to get out of the bath.

Sleeping:
Like I said, some transitions have been good, some bad. This one has gone downhill, and is starting to get to me. Prior to Christmas, Cordelia was sleeping through the night 6 out of 7 nights a week, on average. It was lovely. No – it was heavenly.

Then came Christmas Eve, when Aaron and I had to take Cordy to a family gathering that started after Cordy’s bedtime. That night, she was up nearly every hour screaming and exhausted. It was her first experience with being overtired, and each hour, while I comforted her, I cursed the family for insisting that Cordy be at that party.

Since then, we have yet to get back to the way it was. One waking each night, generally around 2am, requiring the offering of a bottle in order to calm the child and convince her to go back to sleep. At this point, even Benadryl is starting to look like a sleep option. (I’m kidding. Really.)

Three big transitions all in one month. *Sniff* My little baby is growing up.

I often tell my daughter how lucky she is to have parents who love her, a comfortable house to live in, good food to eat, and an extended family always there to help her. After reading this article today, I can add two more things to the list: she’s lucky to live in a country where women are (almost) equal to men, and she’s lucky to have a father who isn’t fucking insane and wouldn’t kill her in the name of “honor”. (Yeah, the language is a little strong today, but I’m feeling pretty strongly about this, too.)

A man in Pakistan killed his stepdaughter and his three young daughters, and forced his wife to watch while he slit their throats. Why would someone do such a thing? Well, he claims his stepdaughter was committing adultery. OK, I’ll say at least that’s an almost-semi-sane reason, although the punishment seems a little, well, extreme to fit the crime. And the claim of adultery came from the stepdaughter’s husband, with no real evidence to back it up.

But why kill the other girls, who were 8, 7, and 4 years old? “I thought the younger girls would do what their eldest sister had done, so they should be eliminated.”

Yes. They were killed because they might commit the same crime in the future. Killed for something they might do later in life. Apparently just hearing that a relative did something bad would clearly taint the girls and automatically lead them down the same path, and so the best option is to kill them before they have a chance to shame the family. Well, they certainly won’t be shaming anyone now.

This is the most crazy reasoning I think I have ever seen. And the article claims that while this man could face the death penalty, this crime is often not punished in areas like this that see honor killings as just. And those that do make it to court are usually settled by giving money to the families of the victims. You know, just like you’d pay someone for accidentally killing their cow.

I don’t understand how a father could murder his innocent daughters just because they might be like their older sister someday. Even without her committing adultery, they could have gone on someday to do something wrong – why even let girls live at all, if they’re such weak-minded and sinful creatures?

Growing up in the US, it is amazing to me that there are still places in the world where women are treated as property of their fathers or husbands, and are considered just as disposable as any property. The mother of these girls was originally married to this man’s brother, but after the brother died, this man married the widow, as is the custom. She probably had no say in the matter.

Thankfully, times are changing, and stronger laws against this type of killing are being put into place. I hope that soon this type of behavior will be universally condemned.

Oh, and the man had a son also. Did he kill the son? Of course not. The son will carry on the family name and bring honor to the family.

Tonight we celebrated Hanukkah with Aaron’s family, and now our holiday marathon is complete. It was a nice evening, filled with good food (yum, brisket!), good conversation, and some very thoughtful gifts. It went very smoothly, aside from Aaron’s step-grandmother calling Cordelia ‘Samantha’ for half of the evening, which was just amusing.

Aaron and I each received some cash, so that we could buy exactly what we wanted. For Cordy, she’ll be getting another addition to her college fund. She also got a beautiful wooden truck that hauls wooden cars, and a soft doll bigger than she is. No bad gifts here! I really enjoy how much thought is put into each present in Aaron’s family. So many gifts are crafted by local artisans, and each one has a special meaning to the recipient. Aaron’s step-mom made me a lovely sun catcher, and Aaron received a copy of the music from De-Lovely (knowing that he loves musicals).

Each adult was assigned another adult to buy a gift for. I was given a member of the family who I didn’t know very well. Luckily, he seemed to really like the gift I got him: a chunk of honeycomb straight from my mother’s bees on her farm. She got into the hobby of beekeeping a few years ago, and this year she was able to harvest some honey for everyone. It’s very light, sweet honey, and you can’t find it anywhere else. I think his immediate family may steal some of it as well.

The schedule for the evening wasn’t the best for Cordy. Food was served before gift opening, then the candles were lit, and then it was time for presents. By the time it was her turn, she was snoring away on mommy. Crankiness was oozing from her before this, and I secretly hoped she would fall asleep, so I wouldn’t have to keep chasing her back into the living room. No one seemed to mind that she didn’t get to see a single gift.

After the gift opening, Aaron scooped up the sleeping child, and I gathered up our belongings and said our goodbyes. It was a very peaceful ending to a hectic three days.

Oh, and for those who are wondering about my mom: she is doing much better. Last night she felt so awful, but she took some anti-nausea medicine, and it helped her sleep. This morning she was able to eat a little, and had enough strength to drive herself home. I hope she’s taking it easy today, although knowing her, I’d guess she’s not.