We’re both feeling much better today, although I think Cordelia was kind enough to pass her cold on to Aaron and I. Ah well, I can deal with a cold.

As we approach summer, I’m trying to get my body ready so we can try for baby #2 later this year. One thing I’m considering is getting off any medications I’m on. For those who have been reading this blog for some time, you may remember that I suffered from postpartum depression. Well, that’s not quite true. I suffered from pregnancy depression first, and it was bad enough to need antidepressants while pregnant.

I hated taking any risks with medications while pregnant, but in this case, the depression was more dangerous than the medication risks. Since I was depressed during pregnancy, there was an extremely high chance that postpartum depression was not far off also.

Even with my antidepressants, I was still a sobbing mess those first few weeks after Cordy was born. I questioned if I was ready to be a mother, since I couldn’t even enjoy my baby with the help of drugs. I felt guilty that I was so disconnected from my newborn.

Luckily, I realized that this was only a temporary time, where the hormones were being dumped out of my body faster than a mob informant being dumped into the Hudson with cement shoes. No matter how good the drug, it simply can’t keep up with a hormone exodus of that scale. After a few weeks, I adjusted, the drugs adjusted, and things were about as normal as things can be with a newborn.

It’s been over a year and a half since Cordy was born, and I’m still on the antidepressants. I was on two, and I successfully weaned myself off of one. Now I wonder if it is time to wean off the second one? The drugs have been a big help, no doubt. But how do I know when it’s time to quit?

A part of me wants off the drugs. Not only is the prescription expensive, but I’m curious to know if I can function normally again without it. I also would like to be off any medications before pregnancy #2, just to play it safe. I know that my current antidepressant is one of the safest out there for pregnancy and nursing, but even if it is safe, I’d rather go with no drugs than a safe one.

However, a small part of me asks, am I really ready? I remember those days of depression, feeling as if a dark cloud was hanging over my head. Nothing made me happy at the time. I was pregnant, with a child I had planned for and wanted more than anything, and even that didn’t make me happy. I felt so hopeless and helpless, and wondered if I was going crazy. I don’t want to feel that way again. I’m scared to feel that way again, because I don’t want Cordy to ever see those dark moods.

Am I ready to wean off? Am I crazy for agonizing over this decision so much? I’m a little embarrassed by this, because I feel like a druggie, saying I can stop anytime I want to, really. The difficulty lies in the fact that with the help of antidepressants, I feel good. That’s what they do – they make you feel good. But how do I know if I’d feel good again without them? That’s the tricky part. While not addictive like heroin or other feel-good drugs, antidepressants can pull you into a dependency, leaving you to fear going off of them and slipping back into that dark place again. Damn you, pharmaceutical companies. Your pretty blue pills sucked me in and now I fear going off of them and then begging others for a hit of Zoloft.

I think I’m going to try it. After all, if it doesn’t work, I can always refill my prescription again. But hopefully the old me will resurface, no worse for wear, and I can continue feeling good, only without the drug backup.

Besides, who can be unhappy when you have a cute kid like this:

How do you explain to a 20 month old that bad dreams are not real? Cordy woke up screaming this morning at 5am. I ran into her room, thinking that perhaps her leg was caught between the crib rails, but she was in the middle of her crib, sitting up screaming. Once she saw me, she reached for me, and I scooped her up and sat down in the glider. She quieted down right away, so I think she just had a bad dream.

I’d like to say I managed to fight off the monsters in her head and get her back to sleep, but it didn’t happen. While she was perfectly calm in my arms, she was wide awake and didn’t appreciate any attempts to get her back to sleep. So we were up for the day at 5am, which is about 3 hours before I consider it to be a new day. Ugh.

To add to the fun, she seems to have picked up her friend’s head cold, and is sporting the oh-so fashionable toddler snotty nose today. So much for going out to get pictures taken.

As for me, I somehow picked up a stomach bug. Remember what happened with Cordy and her stomach bug two weeks ago? Apparently now I’m living the sequel, only unlike her, I have control of my bowels, so no sheets to wash. It’s an improvement at least.

So please forgive this lack of a real post. I wanted to be witty and thought-provoking or at least amusing for you all today, but the early morning wake-up combined with illness has zapped me of my creativity and higher brain functions. We’re spending the day quarantined inside the house, still in our pajamas at 2:30pm, even though it’s gorgeous outside.

But not only do our kitties shower us with furry love, they also earn their keep. When we moved into our new house, we found a lot of spiders. Anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of spiders. I hate them and their eight legs and their beady eyes.

I have a long-standing treaty with the spider species: if they remain outside the walls of my house and off of me and my family, I shall do them no harm. But if they come into my house, they forfeit their right to live. Sadly, many of them didn’t get the message, or chose to ignore it, and so have lost their lives.

One morning while still pregnant, I came downstairs to be greeted with a giant spider body at the foot of the stairs. I shrieked at first, then realized it was dead. Dante, my blue-point Siamese, was there next to it, proudly showing off his trophy. I gave him lots of praise as I disposed of the spider corpse.

Dante does a good job of dealing with spiders, although he has a tendency to play with them for too long, enabling some to escape. Then we got Marlowe, our kitten. Marlowe has more of the predatory instinct in him, along with a love of fresh spider for dinner.

These past few weeks, thanks to the nearly unending streak of rain, the spiders have been crossing territory lines in high numbers. And thankfully I am not greeted with spider bodies each day. Dante and Marlowe work together as a team to wear the spider down, and then Marlowe goes for the kill and eats the spider. Sometimes the spider fights back, but Marlowe doesn’t let a little pinch on the nose or mouth stop him. Each time I see a spider devoured, I reach for the treats and give both cats lots of praise.

But Marlowe has proven useful in other ways as well. He cleans up the crumbs Cordy drops when eating. (See? I told you they’re like dogs!) He also doesn’t limit his fresh meat to spiders. He also enjoys an occasional stray ant and moth.

After the perimeter has been patrolled and all arachnids are exterminated, the cats then provide the service of lap warmer to me on the couch. Who can resist service like that?

Thanks to all of you for your support regarding yesterday’s posts. We’ve both been under a lot of stress due to money, and with that stress comes fights. Like others, we don’t fight much, but when we do it tends to involve money. We’re both so run down from his job hunt and unexpected bills that it’s tough to be cheery sometimes. Your words of support really mean a lot to me.

So, to lighten the mood a bit, I’ve been tagged by Mrs. Fortune for another meme. So sit back and bask in the fluff of the meme!

The Three ______s on a Desert Island Meme

If you were stranded on a desert island (without Ginger and the Professor and all those folks to keep you amused), which three _____s would you bring?

Books

1. Les Miserables – Maybe being stranded on a desert island would finally give me the motivation I need to get through the entire unabridged version.
2. Complete Works of Shakespeare – I’m one of the few in this world who enjoy Shakespeare. At least there won’t be anyone there to roll their eyes at me.
3. The Harry Potter series – OK, I’m cheating. But if they were all packaged in a nice boxed set that would count, right?

Movies (assuming you had some way to watch them)

1. Moulin Rouge – Hard to explain, but I love this movie. It’s quirky, the music is amazing, and it’s one long stream of sensory overload, which I love. Some people have trouble keeping up with it, but I don’t mind at all, because every time I watch it, I see something new that I missed in previous viewings.
2. Pride & Prejudice (the 6 hr. BBC version) – If I’ve got lots of time to spare, I’m bringing along LONG movies! Seriously, this has been one of my favorites for a long time, and I credit it to a brilliant director, who captured the elegance and morality of the period perfectly, and Colin Firth, because, well, he has those eyes that pierce your soul.
3. The Princess Bride – Who isn’t happy after watching this movie? And who isn’t quoting it for the next week? “ROUS’s? I don’t think they exist.” “Inconceivable!” “You keep saying that word. I donn-a think it means what you-a think it means.”

Albums (also assuming you had some way to listen to them)

1. Once on this Island – I’m stuck on an island, so I might as well get into the tropical mood with this upbeat Caribbean musical.
2. Evanescence: Fallen – For days when I feel like something rock-ish, this would fit the bill nicely.
3. Shakira: Laundry Service – Love that Latin beat!

People (And your spouse/partner and children are NOT eligible here, because that goes without saying. Or at least if it doesn’t, that’s your problem)

1. My mom, because she’s one person I can always have a conversation with at any time. We always have something to talk about.
2. My friend Carolyn, because even on a deserted island, we’d still find something to rant and/or rave about. “Did you see that hermit crab’s shell? Talk about a fashion disaster!”
3. Steve from Blue’s Clues – Seriously, have you seen the guy’s personal web site? His FAQ alone is worth the read. He’s hilarious, and I think he would fit in so well with my group of friends. (Edit: I’m not saying he’s on my List of 5 or anything, just that he would be fun to hang out with. Read his site and tell me he doesn’t sound like fun.)

Once again, I shall be lazy in my tagging and simply say that if you are reading this and you found it interesting, you’re tagged!

More proof that money is evil:

I get a call from my husband to inform me that, “Even though you didn’t know it was going to end up this way, by leaving [company I used to work for] you fucked us.” There was a little more in the conversation, but that about sums up the conversation. I finally explained I needed to get off the phone and get back to work, and he said “Fine.” and hung up.

There was no point continuing on the conversation. When he’s in one of these furious moods, there is no reasoning with him, and I can’t find anything to say but, “I’m sorry” over and over again. He said it wasn’t my fault, but other than that sentence it didn’t sound, to me, like he thought it wasn’t my fault.

Because I work part-time, he is unable to ditch the full-time job gig and focus on theatre. He doesn’t think he’s going to get into the teacher training workshop next year for stage combat, and he isn’t able to go back for his master’s degree until I am done with school. So I guess it is all my fault.

Still, I hate sitting here at work, trying (in vain) not to cry, and hoping no one walks in to ask me anything.

This isn’t where we wanted to be. But we’re trying.