After the storms of biblical proportion came through last night – seriously, there was baseball sized hail in the area – and the drop of about 20 degrees in temperature overnight, any thoughts of playing outdoors today were quickly forgotten.

So, we had to rely on one of the indoor playgrounds in town. And since this mama loves ice cream, my friend and I took the toddlers to the Graeter’s factory. Graeter’s is a wonderful local ice cream maker, and their factory store has a really cool dessert themed play area. The play area is completely enclosed, so escaping is difficult, unlike the mall play area. Which means this mom can rest and eat ice creame in peace without chasing Cordy back into the play area.

My friend’s 2 year old son ran around introducing himself to everyone in the room. “I Spidemah! I Spidemah! I Petah Pahkah!” He wouldn’t stop until someone would finally acknowledge, “Oh, you’re Spiderman!”

My less-social child, however, preferred to lavish all of her attention on the red balls in the room. She carried them around, rolled them down the slide, hugged them, and generally kept to herself.

The photos of the day:

No, really. I’m serious.

I remember being tired during my first pregnancy, but I don’t remember being so tired that I’d want to pull off the side of the road on my 20 minute drive to work for a quick snooze. It’s like my entire body feels heavy as if I’m moving around in water, and I have to fight to keep my eyes open. Mid-day is the worst, especially when I’m at work. If I’m home, I nap when Cordy naps, but there is no designated nap time while at the office. When I do finally get the chance to sleep, though, I’m awake every two hours to pee. Sigh.

And then there’s the issue of food. My luck did not hold out, and my ol’ buddy from last time, nausea, has returned. I spend about half of my day in some state of nausea, either from not eating recently or from eating ever-so-slightly too much. I’m really puzzled about the current size of my stomach. I can eat about 2/3 of a normal sized meal now, instead of an entire meal. If I ignore the warning signs and continue eating the entire meal, I spend the next few hours feeling miserable, wishing I could throw up but having no luck. And when I’m hungry, I must. eat. right. now.

Sweet foods upset my stomach, which is different from last time, when I loved anything sweet. I still have my love of spicy foods, although I’m not ready to try anything as adventurous as Indian food yet.

All of this has led to Cordy watching a lot more TV lately. I feel bad about letting her watch so much TV, but sometimes mommy needs to rest on the couch without a 32 lb. toddler trying to practice her latest balancing act on mommy’s stomach. Crayons last a little while, building blocks maybe 15 minutes, but TV can give me a half hour at a time, or even a full hour if she’s watching “Bwue’s Bud-der” (translation: Meet Blue’s Baby Brother).

Cordy, as you can guess, has taken this new change to her schedule in stride:

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage two of them?

There are a lot of unhappy people out there.

I’d like to say I was surprised by all of the responses I received to this post, but I’m not. I see it everyday among my friends and family, those with and without children. Right now, there’s a whole lot of unhappy going on out there, in varying degrees.

I wish I could give an answer as to what is breeding this discontent, but I have none. I can give several theories, but they are as valid as any other theories you could come up with. Most of the theories I can come up with rest on one central point: modern life and technology.

As I said in the last post, it could be that thanks to technology, we have reached a point where many of the jobs we perform have little real value to society. Many of us work in jobs where we do not produce an actual product, or provide a necessary service for the survival of the people around us. At the end of the day, I didn’t save anyone’s life, and I didn’t do anything more than advise students and maybe register a few for classes, which is something they can do online as well. A hundred or two hundred years ago, few people had that kind of job. Most could go home at the end of the day and have something to show for their work: they made 4 wagon wheels, they shod 6 horses, they baked enough bread to supply everyone in town, etc.

I worked a short stint in daycare, and while I wasn’t thrilled with my job at the time, I did feel more of a sense of accomplishment than I do in my current position, sitting at a desk, enrolling students in college classes. After all, as part of my duties as a daycare worker, I kept those children safe from harm, and saw that they received food and attention. I provided a necessary service for their parents, without which they would be unable to work, or would have to put their children in dangerous situations.

So that theory makes some sense to me. But what of the moms who stay home with their children who also feel the weight of unhappiness on them? They are performing a task that is very important to society and so basic in our evolutionary mammalian roots that we still have traces of mothering instincts to this day. If mothering is such an important job, why should we not feel entirely fulfilled while doing it?

I think part of that has to do with how our generation was raised. We mothers today are the first and second generation products of the feminist movement. While I can’t say all of us were raised this way, I know I was raised to believe I could have it all. I was raised by a single mom, grandmother, and two unmarried (and very feminist) aunts. Up until I graduated college, my education was the most important task in my life. Unlike my grandmother, who worked as a secretary after raising her daughters, I could be anything I wanted to be. Going to college was encouraged, not something I had to fight for. And I was told that when the time came and if I wished to do so, I could marry, have children, and have my career with no problems.

I’m sure many other women were instilled with similar beliefs. But reality has turned out to be harsher than the grand dream of “having it all”, I think. Having it all is hard to do, and often in the process of juggling all our responsibilities to have it all, something gets dropped. And so often, as women, we blame ourselves for that one thing getting dropped, when in reality it isn’t always our fault. For example, as much as we wish for an even 50-50 split in housework and childcare with our spouses, it doesn’t always end up that way. (I consider myself lucky to have a husband who will change poopy diapers and do the dishes, but I know many don’t have that.) Which means that having it all often leads to doing too much and forgetting your own needs in the process.

And then once you have a child, that remnant of maternal instinct, buried deep within the most primal part of your brain, can surface and make the thought of returning to the career you prized so highly seem like torturous punishment. It can make you want to throw all career aspirations away just to be with this little person. This can lead to an identity crisis, as you feel you have given away your old independent life in trade for a life that now only revolves around your offspring and their activities. Your college diploma that you once displayed proudly is now boxed up to make more room to display the artwork of a three year old.

Or, you could still want to work, but feel torn about leaving your new, helpless child in the hands of another. So while you want to continue taking pride in your work, it is now overshadowed by the guilt you feel letting someone else care for your child each day. Either way, it can be enough to drive many moms into the sweet embrace of antidepressants and tranquilizers.

But what of non-mothers and men who feel adrift and unfulfilled? Clearly that theory doesn’t explain their feelings of unhappiness. And so I could also suggest that the modern media and internet could possibly have some root in the causes of this epidemic.

Think about it: our entertainment industry is there to help us escape from the real world. We go to see movies of people performing extraordinary acts in amazing, exciting jobs. TV is also full of these exciting jobs, but we all can’t lead the exciting life of Jack Bauer. You don’t see many shows or movies about average people living average lives, because it’s boring. (OK, Office Space might have parodied the average office worker, but we can all agree that no one wanted their lives, right?) You don’t see shows about the adventurous life of an accountant, do you? And even if they did have that, how many accountants could really hope to live like that?

I think it can be hard to see all of these exciting people “living” daring lives, and then go back to your desk at your office job and pretend that your job makes a difference. Many people want excitement and drama (of the good kind) in our lives, but there really isn’t that much out there for the average modern person. The truth is that while TV can show us exciting con men and world travelers seeking answers to great unknown questions, the average person must deal with a mortgage and a family and bills to pay. That unglamorous side of life is rarely dealt with for Laura Croft or Clark Kent or Indiana Jones. Somehow the bills just get paid, and their houses are still clean and ready for them when they’re home. Even superheroes need a day job to pay the bills – they just don’t talk about it much in the movies.

So I guess I took all of this time and space to say what I said in the beginning: I have no answers. Maybe we’re all just more ungrateful of all we have today; maybe we’re now so far away from real danger in our lives that we take everything for granted; maybe we have too much time on our hands to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves; or perhaps there really is something wrong with modern society that is leading to more and more people feeling unsatisfied with life. And perhaps this problem is something bigger and scarier than middle-class people feeling like they don’t have it all. Maybe this is one cause behind people who snap and do horrific things, like take hostages and kill children in schools?

What is the modern secret of happiness? Is it pursuing your dreams despite all costs? Is it finding time, in the rush of daily life, to care for your personal needs? Is it accepting that you can’t do everything and letting some things go? Is it learning to accept that your life probably won’t turn out the way you hoped it might?

I recently started reading Judith Warner’s book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, and while I can’t comment on the book yet since I’m only on chapter 3, I can say that I’m already developing a pain in my neck from nodding in agreement so much. Perhaps I’ll find some answers there.

What I do know for sure is that from your responses to my previous post and from the experiences in my own family and those around me, many people are feeling this way, and I worry for all of us if we don’t find some way to combat it.

Hi everyone, it’s a new month, and so it’s time again for the Blog Exchange. Please welcome this month’s guest blogger, Binky! You can find me over at her site today, and there’s more info about this exchange at the bottom of this post.

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According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), “the debate is over.” Violence in the media DOES influence the behavior of children.

I’ll go along with that.

But the media will not raise my child.

Our culture is obsessed with the extreme, from violence to sex to eating habits and back again. We are bombarded every day by images designed to sell, convince, connive, and divert. When approached out of context, the omnipresence of these messages can seem overwhelming. Children, especially, are vulnerable to these altered depictions of reality as they work to conceptualize their own new world. Parents need to know better. They need to analyze and advocate. They need to teach. It is up to the family to build a framework of decency that supports its children and reinforces the innate importance of integrity.

Nor will the government raise my child.

My husband and I brought our daughter into this world willingly and with excitement because we believe that this is the time, and this is the place. The United States is anchored in its Constitution and in the solidity of those who protect it. It’s a country built on freedoms that place power in the hand of individuals and families. It is up to the citizens to decide what is best for the children.

Many studies, according to the APA, have shown that “exposure to depictions of violence causes desensitization and creates a climate of fear.” I believe this. I see this. But, to me, the clearest and most present danger is that of censorship.

I do not believe in government-mandated or -coerced “parental advisory” labels or ratings systems, V-Chips, or regulations dictating broadcast programming content and scheduling. Such guidelines can start out innocuously enough, but the force with which the heavy hand of the government comes down on our collective backside is likely to increase as our kids prove more stubborn than crotchety Uncle Sam can tolerate.

Exorbitant FCC fines already stifle indefinably “indecent” material on the radio and television. Bleeps pepper television movie broadcasts to an extent that would be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn insidious. More and more, we are losing options. Decisions about what is right for our children can no longer be made on our own terms.

I will raise my child.

I do not want my adult children to be denied freedoms because of what the government decided their youthful brains couldn’t handle. The true “climate of fear” is one in which views cannot be expressed and voices are not heard. It is our right as United States citizens and our obligation as human beings to stand up and speak up for the well-being of our children.

We must protect them from violence. And we must be allowed to do so freely.

American Medical Association (AMA) recommendations for limiting the media’s effect on children:

1. Be alert to the shows your children see. These suggestions are important for all
children, and most important for young children: the younger the child, the more
impressionable he or she is.

2. Avoid using television, videos, or video games as a babysitter. It might be convenient for busy parents, but it can begin a pattern of always turning to media for entertainment or diversion. Simply turning the sets off is not nearly as effective as planning some other fun activity with the family.

3. Limit the use of media. Television use must be limited to no more than one or two quality hours per day. Set situation limits, too: no television or video games before school, during daytime hours, during meals, or before homework is done.

4. Keep television and video player machines out of your children’s bedrooms. Putting them there encourages more viewing and diminishes your ability to monitor their use.

5. Turn the television off during mealtimes. Use this time to catch up and connect with one another.

6. Turn television on only when there is something specific you have decided is worth watching. Don’t turn the TV on “to see if there’s something on.” Decide in advance if a program is worth viewing. Identify high-quality programs, using evaluations of programs in your selection process.

7. Don’t make the TV the focal point of the house. Avoid placing the television in the most prominent location in your home. Families watch less television or play fewer videos if the sets are not literally at the center of their lives.

8. Watch what your children are watching. This will allow you to know what they’re viewing and will give you an opportunity to discuss it with them. Be active: talk and make connections with your children while the program is on.

9. Be especially careful of viewing just before bedtime. Emotion-invoking images may linger and intrude into sleep.

10. Learn about movies that are playing and the videos available for rental or purchase. Be explicit with children about your guidelines for appropriate movie viewing and review proposed movie choices in advance.

11. Become “media literate.” This means learning how to evaluate media offerings critically. First learn yourself and then teach your children. Learn about advertising and teach your children about its influences on the media they use.

12. Limit your own television viewing. Set a good example by your moderation and discrimination in viewing. Be careful when children are around and may observe material from “your” program.

13. Let your voice be heard. We all need to raise our voices so that they are heard by program decision makers and sponsors. We need to insist on better programming for our children.

– Binky of 24/7 is the mother of a 14 month old daughter she affectionately refers to as The Boss. To keep her toddler’s brain free from smut and violence, Binky listens to the Howard Stern Show on earphones and watches the Sopranos once the Boss is tucked safely in her crib. She is a rabid advocate of her daughter’s right to free speech, which right now is exercised with much passion in the form of “look,” “dog,” “thank you,” “hat,” and “gak.”

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This month we’re doing a series of debates on issues that matter. Click here for the other op ed pieces (and their opposing sides) today. And if you’d like to participate next month, send an email to kmei26 at yahoo.com.

Yesterday was my first OB appt. for this pregnancy. I met with the doctor who had delivered Cordelia, and we spent a few minutes catching up. I was a participant in a research study for her after Cordy was born, and so I got to see her every three months, usually armed with new pictures of Cordy to show her. I really enjoy seeing this doctor because she is warm and very easy to talk to.

My starting weight for this pregnancy was a bit of an embarrassment, and after seeing the number on the scale, I vowed to eat healthy and exercise a little more to keep from gaining a lot of weight. Don’t worry, I know some gain is needed and healthy, and I’m certainly not going to diet.

Then it was on to the other usual stuff: blood pressure (excellent), pee in a cup (difficult for some reason), blood work (always difficult with my bad veins), then strip down for an exam.

My doctor then asked if I had given any thought to delivery options with this child, since I had a c-section previously. I took a deep breath, then said, “Yes, I’d like to go for a VBAC, assuming I have no high-risk complications of course.” I really wasn’t sure what her response would be. I mean, I was pretty sure she supported VBACs, but I needed to be totally certain.

Her response: “That’s fine. I’ve seen several successful VBACs, and I think the risks are minimal. I think you could do fine with a VBAC, as long as this one cooperates and turns the right way.”

Woo-hoo! We then discussed one of the more recent research studies done at this hospital that proved that repeat c-sections and VBACs have about the same risk of complications, and recommended that hospitals encourage VBACs.

Then it was the moment of truth. Over the past week I had been having nightmares that I was having twins. I mean no offense to those who do have twins – I think you’re superwomen, honestly. But while the idea of twins is an exciting thought to a first-time mother, after having a single child and seeing how hard it is, the thought of two at once makes me feel faint. I needed that ultrasound to quiet my subconscious.

Thankfully, there’s only one fetus. And it is in a good location and growing right on track. Of course, at 6 weeks, there’s not much to see. But I will give you all the first look at what I can only describe at the moment as, the blob:

The dark egg-shaped area surrounded by a lighter area is the gestational sac. On the right border of the sac, between the two markers, is the fetus. It took some effort to hold the ultrasound wand very still and in just the right position, but we did get to see the tiny flicker of the heartbeat. At this point, it looked like the entire fetus was flickering.

So, not much to see at this point, but I am happy to see that everything looks good. My next appointment is in five weeks, at which point I have another ultrasound for genetic screening.