…that would be me trying to set my kitchen on fire.

I’ve said before that I’m a domestic zero. Hate cleaning, can’t cook, and I’m not so hot at baking. But I thought I might try my hand at some homemade food gifts this year – it’s cheap, and people appreciate yummy homemade food. And it’s cheap.

Last year I made this amazing peppermint bark (recipe here), and two different families loved it and praised my abilities to simply melt chocolate. So, ego inflated from last year’s success and compliments, I decided to make it again this year, only adding to it a drizzle of white chocolate across the top.

Apparently having that second child took out that last remnant of domestic ability I had hiding in me.

I didn’t have my grandmother’s double boiler, so I decided to go all modern and melt the chocolate in the microwave. First was the Ghirardelli dark chocolate chips. They melted beautifully, a sea of rich dark brown liquid in the bowl. Easy peasy!

Next I had to add the peppermint extract. But instead of measuring out the 1 tsp of peppermint, I just dumped a little into the mix. A little too much, I think. The smooth sea of chocolate instantly turned lumpy, and I stirred and stirred trying to even it out again. I heated it more, but the lumps remained.

Giving up on this step, I poured the mix out onto the parchment paper and smoothed it out as best I could. So it won’t be as pretty, but it’ll still taste good, right? Having finished with the spatula, I licked off the remaining chocolate. Or should I say mint with a hint of chocolate. Ick.

Oh, and I burned my tongue in the process because who knew freshly microwaved melted chocolate was hot?

Time to melt the white chocolate. Maybe the drizzled white chocolate could at least make it look pretty again? Into a bowl I put a handful of white chocolate chips. A bowl I have used in the microwave many, many times, I might add. I set it for two minutes and walked away.

When the buzzer went off, I checked it. Still in solid chip form. Hmmm….needs more heat, I guess. So I microwaved them for another minute. Still chip form, but when I stirred them with a spoon they started to squish. OK, almost ready. Another minute in the microwave should do it.

Then I opened the microwave to a cloud of smoke. In the bowl was now something dark, not white. I pulled the bowl out, and immediately noticed something dripping. Looking into the bowl, I could see my toes. Uh, oh.

It burned straight through the bowl. Apparently the melting point of white chocolate is higher than that of microwave safe plastic. Nothing will melt those damn chips.

I quickly tossed the bowl in the trash and cleaned up the mess of melted plastic and white chocolate that had dripped across the kitchen, sizzling on the floor like acid trying to eat through the linoleum.

I always knew white chocolate was evil…now I have proof.

And a cookie sheet full of lumpy, too-minty dark chocolate bark.

So if Aaron is smart, he will revoke my kitchen privileges and limit me to nothing more advanced than making PB&J sandwiches and heating Lean Cuisine meals. Otherwise we won’t have any mixing bowls left. Or possibly a kitchen.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy some peppermint bark and put it in my homemade containers to pass off as my own. If you want real, edible homemade treats, go see this woman.