A Mommy Story

*continued from part 1*

Attention-deficit disorder? No, I’d never really considered that possibility for myself. Sure, I’ve jokingly claimed that I have ADD at conferences from so much going on, but actually having ADD? That condition had never crossed my mind.

My older daughter has autism, and there have been plenty of times when I’ve thought that maybe her autism came from me. I certainly have several of the traits, but don’t quite fit the overall profile for it. However, ADD is a diagnosis for hyper kids, right? Like, someone who bounces off walls and can’t sit still and is too loud and too talkative? I have never, ever, ever been what someone might call hyperactive. The couch and I have always been good friends.

I gave my doctor a puzzled look. “ADD? But I don’t have any energy at all.”

She explained the difference between the hyperactive type of ADD and the inattentive type of ADD. It made sense, but hearing that I might have ADD – something I thought was primarily limited to kids – frightened me.

I told my doctor I was honestly unsure if that was the problem. She suggested a one month trial of medication to find out.

Having taken antidepressants before, I was unsure if a month would be enough time. Antidepressants usually take 4-8 weeks to begin working, so wouldn’t ADD medications work the same way?

“How long will it take to know?” I asked.

“I think you’ll have a good idea after one pill,” she responded.

One pill? Really? What the hell was in this stuff?

I left my doctor’s office with my prescription, went to the pharmacy, and took my little bottle of pills home. I still remember it was a beautiful, sunny afternoon in October – not too warm, not too cold. Aaron wasn’t home, the girls were in school. It was just me and that little bottle.

Sitting on the couch, I took one pill out of the bottle and studied it in my hand. How could I know if this was the right diagnosis with just one small, round pill? Had my doctor lost her mind, too?

And then I wondered what would happen if it worked. Would I be chained for life to a pill? Would it change who I am? Would people treat me differently if they knew I had ADD?

I took a sip of water and swallowed the pill.

And then I waited.

My doctor said it would take 30 minutes or so for the medication to take effect. I counted the minutes on the clock as I sat in my quiet living room, mind racing with anxiety over what I had just done. All of my worried thoughts slammed into each other in a chaotic jumble that left me desperate to get out of my own head.

Unable to stand it anymore, I went upstairs and did some laundry to distract myself from my internal drama. After sorting clothing and starting the washer, I went back downstairs and resumed my wait on the couch.

I looked at the clock and realized it had been over 30 minutes. I didn’t really feel any different. Huh, I thought, maybe I don’t have ADD? I decided to stretch out on the couch and take a nap, disgusted that I got myself so worked up over nothing.

And that’s when I noticed it.

Silence.

No eight televisions all blaring thought fragments in my head. No songs competing for my attention. Just…quiet, along with intense focus and awareness.

My current thought about wondering if the med didn’t work was bouncing around in my head without any interference. It was crystal clear, like someone had taken a squeegee to my brain and removed all of the grime fogging it up.

I smiled. It felt great. I called Aaron and told him everything that had happened.

And I did take that nap, falling asleep more easily than normal.

Before I drifted to sleep, I remember saying out loud, with no one else to hear, “Apparently I do have ADD.”

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*Must break here. I didn’t intend for this to be so long, but it’s harder to write than I thought! The final part on Monday, and I swear it’ll be the final part.*

(Edited to add: Part 3 is now available.)