I feel like I’ve been trapped between worlds in the past month: not quite a fully-functioning member of my family, my job, or my community. It sucks.
My online presence has been far less than I’m used to, partially due to the incredible time commitment of my job. I’m feeling like a lousy friend to so many people, with my feed reader reaching new heights of negligence, updates on friends going ignored for the time being.
I occasionally get the chance to send out a tweet now and then, but I worry people ignore my tweets as nothing more than background noise. And I wouldn’t blame them, either. I’ve had so little to say lately that I’d consider interesting. The topics I do dwell on feel like a broken record: worried about Cordy and her school, bills hanging over our heads, feeling like a total noob at work, and my frustration with right-wing efforts to block health care reform.
(And OMG don’t get me started on the fake uproar over Obama’s speech to schools. I survived listening to Reagan more than once as a child and still don’t buy into Reaganomics.)
Work is going well, although I’m still adjusting to 12 hour days. When I do come home, I have every desire to get online, get involved in conversations, and catch up with friends. What actually happens is I collapse in my chair, eat dinner, lurk on several conversations on Twitter, maybe read a few blog posts without commenting, then fall asleep.
I’m also still feeling a lot of stress at work. I feel completely disjointed in trying to learn what I need to know for my job as I follow the nurse I’m working with that day who has the most interesting patient. Well, now I’m generally doing most of the work, hoping that I’m doing it right and wondering if I’ll ever remember it all. Add in doctors who are less than patient and quick to yell at you, and I go home every night feeling like a complete screw up.
Of course, I miss my kids. No matter how crazy they make me, I still hate going days at a time without seeing them. (And no matter how much I completely and utterly trust Aaron to care for them, I still feel I’m better at it. I think it’s a mom instinct thing.) I hate not having time for them because I’m exhausted or because I have other chores I need to do, like paying bills or errands. And Aaron and I are kind of like ships passing in the night – we have little to talk about, so we spend most nights in our separate corners of the living room, watching TV or working on our computers.
I’m trying to be a superwoman who does it all, but in the end I’m doing none of it well.
I know I’m isolating myself away from friends when I’m not online, or when I’m lurking and no one knows I’m there. That’s the one downside of social media and digital neighborhoods – it’s far easier to pull away from everyone who cares about you when they can’t call or show up at your house and force you to stop listening to emo music and come out of your dark, dreary shell already, dammit.
I don’t like admitting that I might be depressed again. It frustrates the hell out of me, because I’m sick of fighting it off, tired of letting some small part of my brain get the better of the rest of me. I’m also embarrassed to feel so down about my life when I know so many have it far worse than me. Here I am whining about work being tough and missing my kids when I should be grateful I’m supporting my family with my job. Sheesh – sometimes I can barely tolerate myself.
I already have a yearly physical scheduled with my doctor (for late October – I got an appt. with my dermatologist a full month earlier than that – upside down world, eh?), and it looks like I may be bringing this topic up then as well. I don’t want to go back on meds, but if there’s no other choice, I will.
In the meantime, I’m going to make a better effort to socialize with friends, online and in person, and to use the magical endorphins of exercise in an attempt to boost my mood. (Let’s not talk about how little I’ve exercised since BlogHer. It’s not something I’m proud of.) Maybe I’ll get the hang of my new routine before October and I’ll look back on this and wonder why I felt so worried?
Or maybe I’m once again trying to tackle something larger than I can handle by myself?
what is your hesitation with the meds? I guess my perspective is that mental health is no different than physical health, and taking medicine for it makes sense. My anxiety and depression took me to the brink last year and I was having suicidal thoughts, completely lethargic, and disconnected from everyone around me. I would just lay on the couch crying about how fat and lonely I was, with no energy to DO anything about it. Going on zoloft made SUCH a different, however I have had zero side effects. Plus it’s only $5 a month as I’m on a generic. I have energy, feel happier, and feel more like “myself”. Maybe I’ll be on it forever, maybe not, but I tried diet, exercise, therapy, and vitamins and nothing did it for me like zoloft. Don’t be afraid to reach out for the help you need to get by. Don’t feel guilty for being depressed, you cannot control your brain chemistry!
pugsnotdrugs – My hesitation with meds is that I’ve used them several times before, and never liked the side effects that come with them. There’s only one that doesn’t make me sleepy all the time & gain weight, but that one drug isn’t part of any $5 a month plan. Even the generic is expensive. And that drug tends to wear off in effectiveness the longer I take it. (I was taking the max safe dose, too.)
I do know they can help, and if nothing else works I will certainly be asking for some help at the doctor’s visit.
Wow. I feel like you are talking about me.I am a flight attendant, I have two blogs that I try to work on because I love both, I have a 6yr old and a husband that’s not working right now (and a won’t admit it depressed himself) so he wants me around constantly, I have errands to do, a house to fix up…and the list goes on. I love my twitter but am not sure if anyone listens to me either. I have my friends on Facebook but don’t find time to get on there. On top of this, I have Systemic Lupus with kidney failure and a replaced knee. Oh yeah I am on some meds. Transplant meds, prednisone and Paxil. I love being off of the roller coaster even if I do feel overwhelmed with it all sometimes.
It sounds like you are a nurse and that’s a big deal! I have a couple of flight attendant friends that are in nursing school and it’s crazy. Perhaps you can donate one day a week where you dedicate it to your family. NO internet. Your friends will understand if they are really your friends. How old are the kids? Can they help with the chores? Can you meet a friend for lunch? Some hospitals have great food! *laughing*
As far as the depression, we are brave to even admit it! Some people buy midol for their periods (it’s the same as excederine) and hormones for after a hysterectomy, so why not something for depression. You could try an herbal approach if pharmaceudicals bother you (St.Johns Wort).
Good luck in whatever you choose to do, just know that you are not alone!
Christina, you’ve gone through some huge changes–totally new career and job, new school for Cordy and so on. It’s a lot to adjust to — try to cut yourself some slack! (Easy for me to say, I know.)
BTW there is a new little girl in my son’s class named Cordelia–makes me think of you & Cordy every time!
Agree with everyone above, and I’m so happy to be back on Zoloft (it’s $9 for me for the generic which is way better than the $1 a pill it was just a few years ago). Maybe you can go back on the one that works for you again, and then off it again. It’s no shame. You’re making a HUGE adjustment right now. God bless you. Your heart is hugely wonderful for your family and your job. Make sure you make room for yourself, too.
Changes, even good ones, can bring on depression if you’re prone to it, and you are adjusting to a lot.
You know where I’m coming from, so you know I get this. I’m here for you, if you need an ear. xoxox
I agree with Mrs. Chicken – and also, when you’re not as connected with friends (online or not) that can be tough on the old moods too.
You’ve got a lot going on and you’ve had some big changes. Give yourself some time to adjust and better, don’t feel guilty for not being as connected as you were. Your priorities are you and your family. Everyone else can wait.
(Okay, that sounded like assvice, but you know where I’m coming from)
xo
Of course I agree with the things people have said about change – you are going through an incredible number of adjustments, and it can be hard! I know that it is always hard for me when I change jobs, or move, or go through other big transitions.
If you think medication will help, I say go for it. There are also natural things you can do, like taking Vitamin D and Bee Pollen Powder that might help brighten your days a little.
(HUGS)
You have so many huge changes going on right now – of course you’re exhausted. Any one of them would be tiring.
The job will certainly become more straightforward over time, and with more rest, everything else will improve too. I hope you feel better soon.
I’m sending thoughts of you in your happy place. Like you, my life is crazy out of control. When my infant daughter was diagnosed with CP I thought I might need to go on meds but as i am still making milk for her I didn’t want to do that since it isn’t chronic depression, it is situational and it isn’t every day. And I am far too angry to be suicidal! (that was me laughing) I want her to have breastmilk through the flu season so I am hanging on for now. We all make our own decisions and do the best we can. You are not weak if you take meds and not wrong if you don’t, you are just making the est choice you can under the circumstances. You’ll do well.
You are succeeding as a nurse, you just do not realize it yet. I hate to hear the comment about “nurses eating their young,” probably because there is a grain of truth to it. That culture needs to change. If I were you, I would take it down a notch, and do not feel guilty about it. It can be hard to let go, but it is very freeing at the same time!
The first six months of being a new nurse are THE WORST! I have heard this from many a nurse and can echo it myself as of this month. It will get better! You need to keep plugging through and hang tough. After a few more months it will start to become more comfortable. I’m sorry to hear you don’t have a stable, supportive staff. That makes it easier. I thought I was depressed for the first few months too, maybe I was. What truly helped me was finding another new nurse to commiserate with. That made ALL the difference and got me through it. Good luck and email any time! [email protected]
Working full time is hard for a traditionally stay at home (or school too) mom. I know, I did it and the transition always feels like you aren’t doing anything right. You will get through it. You will get used to it and will eventually be able to set aside time to get most everything done.
I switch back and forth between feeling like super woman and the worst mother/worst worker in the entire world. But your kids need you, your work needs you, your husband needs you (don’t forget about him!) and you need you too.
Try to find a way to set aside mental time for yourself. maybe listen to a book on your commute or something else that makes you feel good. The kids know you love them, don’t worry about that.
I hope this helps a little,
Good Luck!
Oh honey, you are missed here, but I totally understand. I am sounding like a broken record with the other commenters but you are adjusting to so much right now and I know that change does not bode well with my mental health. I finally found a med and a dose that works well, the only downside the $40 per month price tag that comes with it. I should be (and am) happy that we have insurance and that I can at least get the meds I need, but I wish that it was cheaper (like the nice $10 copay I am used to paying)
I will be down there in 2 weekends, I think. Hopefully we can get together-even if I come to you.
Hey there – just dropping by some pixie dust *~*~*~*~*~*~* I hope to see you back in the haiku business sometime when you’re ready!
Tink *~*~*
I thought of you and Cordy as I listened to Obama’s address the other night.
Simply attempting to do it all is accomplishing more than most.
Are you a Great Big Sea fan? I find “Let it Go” off the album Something Beautiful to be rather appropriate when I feel like climbing the clock tower.
don’t be so hard on yourself!
As the daughter of a nurse, I promise you that no matter how hard it is now, your daughters will be so proud of you when they are just a little older and realize how important your work is.
I would just say – don’t let yourself feel guilty about working. One thing my mom did was let us manipulate her into feeling very guilty about working and that translated into all kinds of negative emotions.
You are working so you can support the family. That is what you need to do. That is what Cordy and Mira will learn to do when they grow up. There is nothing to feel guilty over.
Do seek out a friend for grown up girl time. You will feel worlds better.
Big hugs.