I’ve noticed a trend lately among friends, family and even complete strangers when they lay eyes on my two little girls together. It usually goes something like this:
Person: (gushing) “Oh, look at Cordy! She’s gorgeous! You know that, right? She could easily be a model. Those curls are so pretty, and her eyes are such a deep blue. She’s really is a beautiful little girl!”
Me: “Thank you! Yes, she is very pretty.”
*Person then turns gaze towards Mira, and then in a less exuberant voice:
Person: “Hi there, Mira! Cute outfit. You look just like your father, you know that? No denying who your daddy is!”
Me: “Um…yeah. She does have some of Aaron’s best features, making her pretty, too.”
That’s it. They tell us how pretty Cordy is, and then totally leave out that part when pointing out Mira’s appearance.
Poor kid. Rarely does anyone tell her she’s pretty. And while I would never emphasize a need for beauty in order to be successful (because I want to be a part of killing the stereotype that women need to focus on beauty), I worry that if this trend continues it might begin to affect her when she’s older and understands.
I’m pretty too, dammit
I know I’d start to feel inadequate if someone close to me was constantly praised for her beauty while I was given a passing remark about a family resemblance. Even with constant self-esteem building, it might be enough to put a dent into an armor of confidence.
And it’s not like Aaron needs a bag on his head to go out in public, either. I’m biased, but others have confirmed for me that he is generally thought to be good-looking. But often any comparison between Aaron and Mira is said without as much…excitement? or as if there’s another message hidden underneath? I can’t be sure. Maybe I’m totally reading into something that is more shallow than I thought.
Either way, if Mira looks like Aaron it’s a good thing. She has his eyes. She sports a lovely olive skin tone that will keep her from burning in the sun, unlike me and Cordy who look out a sunny window and turn pink. It’s possible she’ll have her father’s curls, too. It’s not like she’s sporting his beard, ya know?
Hopefully these specific conversations will fade away as Mira gets older and people are more careful with their words, as we all are with other adults. And despite who is the prettiest, both girls will continue to be valued at home for their personalities and accomplishments. In our house there is no “ugly” sister – just two girls treasured because of who they are in total.
And besides, it’s not like Cordy hasn’t had her share of not-so-pretty days:
Not too far off from this, is it?
My guys get compared too but it’s in the brains department. They are both extremely smart but Thomas is 4 for God’s sake – he’s still learning.
One of my best friends has a story like this. her mom always called her the smart one and her sister the pretty one. They both grew up thinking they were not the other thing. My friend is pretty, her sister is smart. I wish people would think about what they say a little more. Not to mention, just placing so much emphasis on looks in general is a bad message. There is more to life than being pretty, even if you are “the pretty one”. Or at least there should be.
This used to happen with my girls all the time! My oldest, Arleigh, is a stunner and people have always gushed over her and been less exuberant about Chloe. Lately though Chloe has really come into her own and people are going nuts over both of my daughters. Not that she wasn’t always gorgeous, she just kind of got overlooked. Arleigh has a big personality to go along with her looks and all eyes tend to land on her, Chloe is more laid back. It’s hard to be the little sister sometimes. I still ahven’t gotten over it!
people used to do this all the time when Isabella was bald..as if not having a lot of hair somehow made her uncute. now that she has hair it happens less often. people just don’t always think.
It happens to my son and daughter even from their own grandparents. Everyone gushes all over my two year old daughter and then will look at my one year old son and say that he looks like his dad. Why yes he does look like his dad, he’s the lucky one. My poor daughter looks like me!
People are stupid sometimes. These comments don’t just affect the person who isn’t being fawned over. I was the ‘perfect’ one in my family. My cousins and brother got the message that I was the one they should be comparing themselves to. I got the guilt and animosity of being the pet. People should really think before they open their mouths.
Mira is lovely. And to my unpracticed eye, she looks just like Cordy, sans the curls of course. (People ARE rather taken with hair, it’s true) The ones who comment on one daughter’s beauty and not the other are just being silly.
I’ve noticed this happening with my children, too. People will gush all over my SON and completely ignore my daughter.
Or they’ll say, “She looks just like you.” Apparently I’m a dog.
Mira is a beauty and people need to stop being so insensitive.
This used to happen when I was a kid – my sister was adorable with long strawberry blond curls, and I was two years older, a skinny rail of a girl with no cuddly baby chub. She’d be cooed over, and then they’d look at me and say, ooh, she’s TALL.
Yeah, it sucked. People are assholes.
Ok, so maybe I’m biased because once upon a time near 18 years ago I thought Aaron was the cat’s PJ’s, and no offence to Cordy, but I think Mira is beyond cute. There may also be some bias as a brunette who always felt like the light haired kids got more attention, so I’m more inclined to compliment and single out us dark haired beauties.
For all of those people, no clue, or it could be that they can’t stand that those eyes of her’s see right through to your soul.
You know it is sad, but I am sure that people don’t even think about it – it is Cordy’s Curls that thrown them off! Her hair is to die for! People so far don’t do it to Tatum and Bowden, but then again he is so small still that everyone thinks he is SO cute … haha
most of the time they aren’t together to comment one and not the other.
Hang in there she (Mira) will grow into beauty and I wish I had her BEAUTIFUL skin!
oh and if I didn’t mention it I think they are both beautiful!
I was all prepared to say something regarding your whole post, but the last two pictures just killed me! I’m still laughing about it!
My sister and I had the same thing happen and we are years apart. It’s just something that sucks about our society.
For the record, I think Mira is beautiful. Even if she decides to sport a beard like her daddy 😉
that would get annoying and I don’t know why people cant see each one’s cuteness
Were you and Nick together somewhere about nine months before Cordy’s birth?
Having butt-ugly children myself, I never run into this, but I’ve seen it happen with others, and I’m always amazed at the stupidity of those doing the commenting on what child’s — essentially — superiority over another.
Both girls are pretty, there’s no doubt about it.
And try not to worry so much. Siblings get compared, it can’t be avoided. Judging from my own and others’ experiences, younger siblings tend to try to find ways to differ, if not surpass their older siblings. You guys love your girls equally, they’ll know that they’re both great in their own ways.
People always, always commented that I looked exactly like my mother and hmmm, my sister did not. No further explanation about whether either was a good thing, and I always hoped that my sister didn’t feel slighted by that.
I wish people thought more about the effect of their (collective) comments on little kids.
Everyone compares my boys too, especially because they are twins. I think they are both absolutely gorgeous, however, COle is more outgoing and people seem drawn to him a little bit more. It drives me insane, but it really doesn’t seem to bother Riley. Maybe because he is alot shier, he is happy to not be in the spotlight.
Where did the phrase “you can’t deny that one” ever get started? People say that to my husband about my son all the time. I’m thinking…why, do you think he’d try to deny him or something?
I know people mean well, and it’s usually for a lack of something better to say, but I certainly understand where you are coming from.
DAmn straight. There were 3 girls in my family and we all went through different stages of beauty. My oldest sister had “such lovely blond hair!” I was pretty for “such a contrast! Dark hair and bright blue eyes!” and my younger sister was “So petite and cute! Love the freckles and red hair!”
Oy. I can still feel the twitch of irritation.
We all do it, though. Without realizing. Just have a couple of phrases ready like you did, and that’s all you can do. Other than pulling people away and explaining the verbal bias.
You are hilarious, and they are BOTH gorgeous.
Remarks about my girls are always, ‘Oh my, Bee is just stunning! And Dove is so big!’
I always sharply add, ‘And stunning.’
A good friend of mine has two daughters (both adopted) that are less than a year apart in age. One has huge blue eyes, curly blond hair and pink cheeks. The other has straight, shiny, dark hair, dark brown eyes and olive skin. Every time she takes them somewhere people will gush over the blond and how pretty she is and what a doll she is and on and on and on while the dark haired one just stands there. I’ve seen it happen many times and each time it makes me so angry. In reality they’re both beautiful children but so many people seem to get so caught up in the big blue eyes that they don’t even notice how cruel they’re really being.
My girls get what Her Bad Mother talked about – the younger gets the “ooh, her hair’s even redder than her sister’s! And her eyes are blue!” and the older gets the “tall” remark. I do wonder how things like that will affect them in the long term, though Sweet Pea, the tall one, is always immensely pleased when we’re told she looks just like me and her sister looks more like their daddy, and Sweet Pea’s eyes are the same color as mine, while The Bug’s are the same color as their daddy’s. I’m hoping it’ll all balance out. ‘Cause they’re both gorgeous, like BOTH of yours. :o)
I do wonder if in Mira’s case, since people are focusing so much on Cordy’s hair, Mira’s gushing “beautiful!” comments will come once she’s got more hair. I bet they will.
And? OMG, the photo comparison at the end of your post had me ROLLING! Still does every time I scroll down to look at it. HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Oh that was hilarious! I needed a good laugh like that today! People always love to tell kids how much they look like their parents. I am pretty much a twin of my mom and my brother is a twin of my dad. Growing up thats all people would say, “aww thats nice that amanda looks like you”….but both of your girls are beautiful, so I would go with how you feel!
Your daughters…both of them, are so beautiful. I love that they have their own adorable features.
And the last two photos? Oy vey…I can’t stop laughing.
Love the new blog design, too! It’s so cool!
I can’t imagine why anyone would do that and not realize that what they are NOT saying speaks volumes.
And I’m usually a lurker, but those last photos made it impossible to resist, because I did the same thing last month: http://myverylastnerve.blogspot.com/2008/12/photo-meme.html
Do you think it’s the hair? I bet when her hair starts looking “more feminine” (whatever the hell that means, right? lol) you won’t get it so much anymore.
Because really, they are both beautiful.
You’re so right what can we do about this..should we all write a post on our blogs…?
Dorothy from grammolog
grammology.com
I had this issue with my younger brother, who was (still is) very good-looking. I remember being asked once (by an adult, who should have known better) whether I was jealous of him “because he’s so handsome, and you’re…well…[trails off]”
That is so wrong! I will never forget, my sister was pushing my daughter and niece in a basket at Wal*mart and a lady passed by and said, “Oh! A big headed baby and a little headed baby.” (My daughter was the one with the big head). WITCH…she had better be glad I didn’t hear her make that comment.
That picture is effing hilarious, however, some people and their thoughtless comments are not.
Both of them are GORE-gee-us 🙂
I just found your blog through iVillage. My sister is two years older than me. Half the crowd thinks we’re twins. But, the other says things like this…
To Sister: You are just gorgeous!
To Me: And, you’re pretty, too.
What is that? Too? Anyway, I learned to just shrug it off. Their lack of social skills is not my problem, and never was. I figured that out early. No therapy needed.
Also, my mother never made a big deal of it. I learned that sometimes one of us would get a compliment and not the other – and that that was okay. It’s honest. In any case, I never felt ugly. I got told I was pretty plenty. And, while that’s certainly not #1, I do feel that it’s important for every child to hear.
FWIW, I think your girls look alike. Am I crazy?
-M