While talking with two friends over ice cream the other night, one said, “You’re like an open book, so when you didn’t talk about what was bothering you on your blog, I knew it had to be bad.” I think the only way I’m going to get past this mental block in my writing is by confronting the issue that’s bugging me so much. And so I’m going to put it out there, or at least as much as I feel comfortable sharing.
As you may know, this has so far been kind of a sucky year for us. Aaron was laid off in June, and had trouble finding employment until just recently, and this job is only a limited-time contract job. We had to go on food stamps for awhile, and drained our savings. I had a relapse of depression. When the job went away, so did health insurance, which means of course we all got sick as soon as our insurance ended. Aaron and I still don’t have insurance. We have one daughter on the autism spectrum who is often difficult to handle, and another with a possible speech delay.
You can imagine how all of this is affecting Aaron and I. We’re stressed, and as a result we’re often short with each other, acting out against each other, and simply disconnected. Most nights were spent sitting on opposite ends of the living room, each lost in a laptop until bedtime. It’s put a strain on our marriage to the point that we nearly lost everything. Details aren’t important, but a lot of hurt has been hurled and the emotional cuts are deep. After the blow up, the big D word has been hanging over our heads for the past couple of weeks.
I don’t think either of us wants a divorce. We both remember why we married in the first place: we’re good together. We compliment each other well – his weaknesses are my strengths, and vice versa. We’ve been together for over ten years now and have weathered a lot of ups and downs. We also both realize that we’re holding onto a lot of bad behavior patterns that probably date back to childhood experiences. (Freud, anyone?)
We’ve discussed these issues with close friends and family – people who know us well and can provide the support we need. We’ve made the decision that we want to keep our marriage, and we’ll enlist the help of a therapist to guide us back to open communication and help us heal our wounds. There’s still a lot of hurt to work through – I know I occasionally feel the urge to throw something at his head – but we both are committed to working on it. It’s not just for the kids, either. While our daughters certainly forced me to think harder about everything, it’s still my decision, and I am considering my own feelings in this decision.
I can’t predict what the future holds for us. I hope he’ll fix whatever it is that has screwed him up, I’ll address my issues, and together we’ll mend the rift in our relationship. It’ll be a long road ahead to regain trust and I can only hope we’re both up for that journey.
This isn’t eloquent at all, and someday I’ll probably look back at this and cringe, but I wanted to get it out in the open. And while I may sound all strong and brave about this, I can tell you I’ve been angry and scared and sad and revengeful, too, along with 1,000 other variants of negative emotions. But around my children and in public I’ve tried to hold it together, telling myself that I’m better than some of those dark emotions and therefore won’t let them get to me.
There’s no shame in admitting a marriage isn’t perfect, and in talking with several friends, both online and in person, I’ve found that I’m certainly not the first person to endure these kinds of problems, and many shared that they have repaired the damage and moved past these bumps in the road. I can only hope for the same results.
But I will now confirm that this has been in many ways the suckiest year yet for me. I hate sounding all “poor me” because I know that there are those going through so much more, and honestly, the martyr role just doesn’t suit me. But this is probably the worst I’ve gone through yet. I’m hoping I’m at my personal rock bottom – can only go up from there, right?
Yes, it seems so many had a hard year. I too often spend the evenings in my own world..this stress is killer and I completly relate. Good for you for hashing it out and voting to work on your marrige. I hardly think anyone whose marrige lasts is all sunshine and roses, it takes WORK. Good for you for stepping up and making the decision to get down in the trenches!
It’s hard, I know how hard it is. When we owned the daycare and it was going downhill so fast, it put a horrible stain on our marriage. Just do your best to keep your head up.:
I think it’s really important, your point about not just being in your marriage for your girls. Your feelings matter a lot and I hope things look up for all of you really soon.
Hang in there, momma. I can’t promise you things will get better immediately but deciding to tackle the issues head-on can only be a step in the right direction.
Honey, I commend you for talking about it. Marital issues are hard to talk about. I always feel as though people look at me differently, though I know it’s not true.
You guys CAN work through this. This has been a CRAPPY year for you. In 10 or 20 years, you will tell someone younger, (perhaps a daughter?) that marriage is Work. Hard Work with scary low valleys. But Hard Work with fabulous rewards.
If you need to talk, you can always email me.
Hugs.
hang in there, hon.
usually my words of wisdom are something along the lines of “this too shall pass.”
and it will. however it turns out, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
hugs.
While you might not think you are, you are brave for writing this and admitting the problems. It has been a rough year for you and honestly, who’s marriage wouldn’t be tested after all that you’ve endured. Good luck with working it out.
I have to de-lurk to thank you so much for posting this. Really, sincerely, I think many of us (myself included) have gone through similar situations and just been too worried/enbarrassed/ashamed/fearful to post it. And, while I love so many blogs, it really makes me feel so alone when other people are writing about their wonderful husbands, about picking out curtains, Christmas shopping, etc, when I am struggling.
Thank you,
Jennifer
We’ve been going through something similiar. It’s hard work but when you love someone it’s worth it. Kudos to you guys for talking it over!
Good luck. At least you are willing to address these issues that are contributing to your troubles. We’ve all been there….
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I hope the two of you are able to work everything out. 🙂
I love my husband very much as I know that you do from reading your blog. You have a great family!! As I said I love my husband more then anything and I know he loves me sometimes the stress in our lives just makes it hard to see that. You are doing the right thing by addressing it and getting some help. I’m sure that it will work out in the end. Everyone has hard times it all depends on how you handle them. Good luck.
I think it’s okay to be all “Poor Me” during times like these. It’s one step on the healing train.
I hope you and A work things out and not just for the girls, but for the both of you too. Divorce is not a road you want to head down if you don’t have to.
Hang in there! Things have not gotten quite to the D word, but sometimes I also want to throw things at him. Marriages are not as easy as movies portray them to be and I think that sets some people up with unreasonable expectations. I applaud you for sticking to it and trying to make it work for you both.
A few things:
1) The divorce rate for parents of kids on the spectrum is something like 80%. I can understand why. You are right to hold off and recognize that this not the right time for the D word.
2) Stressful things exaggerate all emotions: you have a lot of stressful things going on independent of the *actual* relationship, so adding that as a stressor (instead of a support) is indeed challenging.
One of the things that was tough for me to learn was that when I need support the most is when people are LEAST likely to be able to provide it.
3) As time passes, some of the things relating to #1 will diminish, such that #2 becomes more surmountable.
Yes, it sounds impossible, but I speak from experience. Life when my ASD son was 4-6 is extremely different than life now.
We all know about “the straw that breaks the camel’s back…” when things fall into place w/ Cordy and with Mira, (when the job/finances fall into place, too) it will be much easier to then deal with some of the other things that have been going on – and easier to separate A from B… and take some time to think about YOU and AARON as valid and important people.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone at ALL.
I’m in the camp that when you do share, you help someone else out. And I’m sure you have. (And like you said, allowed yourself a bit of a catharsis).
I have to giggle at the google ads 🙂
It is hard. And it’s hard to hold it all together when you’re so tired and there are too many things to think about. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Hang in there, Christina. We’re all here for you.
I wish I had some magic advise, but all I can say is that my thoughts are with you. Sending good luck your way. 🙂
Christina, I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. This has undoubtedly been the crappiest year ever for me and some other people I know. It sounds like you are both really committed to putting every effort into keeping your marriage, and that puts you MILES ahead of most people. I’ll keep your family in my thoughts, and be praying that things work out for the best, whatever that may be. (Hugs)
It’s a good sign for you to recognize the things that are adding to the stress of your situation and what it’s doing to your relationship. It’s even better to show the strength you have inside to work through it. Good luck. You have many friends to listen and advise where they can.
PS…The occasional poor me is totally allowed. Like chicky said, it’s part of the healing process. Now…move on and conquer!
I’m proud of you for facing these feelings. I know it’s been a horrible year for your family and that you guys have been under tremendous stress. I’m glad to hear that you and Aaron are willing to work on things and it’s great for you to admit that things aren’t perfect. You’re not being a martyr, you’re opening up to friends who care.
Hang in there. I hope things get better for all of you soon.
I think this year has been hard on millions of people, whether it is in their marriages or financially. I know for me, friendships have been broken, relationships have been on a rollercoaster and money has made everything suck. My dad and brother are both about to either be laid off or loose their jobs. But through it all I’ve had my faith and my family to see me through it no matter our differences.
So just take it one day at a time, maybe the holidays will bring some much needed cheer!
This post sounds very honest, mature and reasonable. I’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time. 2008 has sucked big-time for a lot of people, it seems, and I was going to say that things can only improve from here, but you beat me to it. Hugs.
2008 has been a really rough year for a lot of people. I am hoping 2009 is much better.
Thank you for posting honestly, forthrightly what families everywhere go through at one time or another. As bleak as 2008 is ending, I keep telling myself to have hope for 2009 – new president, new congress, hopefull economic recovery waiting in the wings. It does get tough though as I’m about to graduate with my RN only to find out all the hospitals in the area have instituted hiring freezes. Not that they don’t need the RNs, they just can’t afford to pay them. We are hanging on by our fingernails as my husband’s employer has gone through multiple rounds of layoffs the last 2 years. Keeping my fingers crossed every day and remembering – it’s always darkest before the dawn.
I don’t know that you need to share this on a blog, but you do need to share this with those you love and trust. There are so many people who, while not being able to “do” anything for you, can “do” something by being there for you.
It sounds like you’re turning a corner, and I wish you both luck.
HUGS and PRAYERS to you and your family! I can tell you that my marriage is not perfect and the “D” word has come to mind, haven’t spoke it but thought it several times … you are a very strong person and I know you will weather this storm! This year 09 will be better for you I know it!
I really symphathize and hope the therapy, love and commitment can get through this–and end up in a better place eventually. Internet hug!
C, it is hard. It’s hard when there’s enough money and the kids are hitting the milestones, but it’s so much harder when one or both of those go awry.
It sounds trite, but two really are stronger than one.
We have totally struggled with the same issues. 2 years ago we went through 18 months of unemployment, our son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and the D word has been batted back and forth. We’ve struggled with our relationship since our son arrived, and those issues didn’t help. And now we’re trying to start a business together, which brings its own set of baggage you thought you got rid of or buried a long time ago. The good news is, we’re still standing, and it can get better. Having someone neutral for you each to talk to – a therapist or life-coach type – as well as working with someone together, helps a lot. Sucks, don’t it? Hope it helps to know you’re not alone.
You know I am here for you hon! HUGS!!
I’ve said many times that the only thing that kept us from the D word is the fact that we’re both unbelievably stubborn and lazy – inertia and a simple refusal to give up got us through those rough spots. We’re 15 years now, together for 17, and it’s hard, hard work, but it’s so worth it. I wish you and Aaron as much stubbornness and inertia as we’ve had. 🙂
I’m not sure what to say that won’t sound lame or lamer. All I keep thinking about is the Sex and the City movie… have you seen it? In case you haven’t I won’t say much except that I do believe that relationships can weather a lot of stormy weather and still come out healthy on the other side.
I wish I’d be around for us to hang out more. But we’ll still keep in touch and I’m always only an email away…
(And how’s this for a good omen: my word verification below this comment says, “hoper.” That’s gotta be good…)
Yeah you guys have had BAAAD luck lately…and yes that does make LIFE SUCK and marriages even harder.
I know.
If you guys are talking and are on the same page then that is great…
baby steps…