A Mommy Story

Many of you may read Catherine of Her Bad Mother, and you probably know that she’s been having rough time lately. This parenting gig isn’t always baby giggles and butt wiggles – we often discover some of the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves on this journey, too. Ali recently wrote a post to lend some support to Catherine in an “I’ve been there” kinda way, and I wanted to share my story, too.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve scared myself with my own thoughts. Times when I was pushed beyond the breaking point by a late night crying session that was seemingly endless, or a child who simply wouldn’t do what I needed her to do. I don’t know if that says that I’m not well-suited to being a parent, or simply have a short fuse.

My worst moments were a little over a year ago, before Cordy was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and when she was at the height of her out-of-body, demonic possession tantrums. I know now that she couldn’t control herself – when she hit that right combination of sensory overload, all higher functions seemed to step out for awhile, leaving the primitive brain in charge for awhile. It was hard to see her like that, but it was also frustrating for me, and inconvenient, and often embarrassing when we were in public.

Her primal screaming, kicking, biting, and resisting me tested all of my limits of tolerance and patience. Many times I’d partially lose control, yelling at her and handling her roughly just to drag her out of the house or force her into her car seat. But more than once I can clearly remember snapping, suddenly noticing my hand up in the air, poised and ready to strike. I was shocked at my own in-the-moment instinct: the desire to hurt her – to beat her – was there, and it scared me more than any tantrum she has ever thrown.

I’m thankful that I was able to recognize the line and step away before crossing it and doing something I might forever regret. Those moments still bother me – I often torture myself for even thinking such things. What kind of a mom thinks of beating her child?

The truth is, many parents have these thoughts, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves or others for thinking them. Thoughts and actions are two very different things, and even though I might have been angry enough to carry out my irresponsible wishes, I didn’t do it. A different kind of instinct took over at that point – mother’s instinct.

And while I laugh about those long nights when Cordy was a baby, when Aaron and I discussed driving out to a cornfield and leaving her there, I also acknowledge that there were moments where I scared myself with violent thoughts. Recognizing where that escalation beyond frustration into violence begins, though, has helped me from reaching that point again. I’m not a great mother, but I do know I’m a pretty good mom, doing the best I can each day.

Although I still threaten to leave them in a cornfield.

What are your darkest moments of parenting? Write a post about it, leave a comment here, or e-mail Ali if you want to do it anonymously (details at her post here). And be sure to visit Catherine and lend her your support as well.