Many of you may read Catherine of Her Bad Mother, and you probably know that she’s been having a rough time lately. This parenting gig isn’t always baby giggles and butt wiggles – we often discover some of the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves on this journey, too. Ali recently wrote a post to lend some support to Catherine in an “I’ve been there” kinda way, and I wanted to share my story, too.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve scared myself with my own thoughts. Times when I was pushed beyond the breaking point by a late night crying session that was seemingly endless, or a child who simply wouldn’t do what I needed her to do. I don’t know if that says that I’m not well-suited to being a parent, or simply have a short fuse.
My worst moments were a little over a year ago, before Cordy was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and when she was at the height of her out-of-body, demonic possession tantrums. I know now that she couldn’t control herself – when she hit that right combination of sensory overload, all higher functions seemed to step out for awhile, leaving the primitive brain in charge for awhile. It was hard to see her like that, but it was also frustrating for me, and inconvenient, and often embarrassing when we were in public.
Her primal screaming, kicking, biting, and resisting me tested all of my limits of tolerance and patience. Many times I’d partially lose control, yelling at her and handling her roughly just to drag her out of the house or force her into her car seat. But more than once I can clearly remember snapping, suddenly noticing my hand up in the air, poised and ready to strike. I was shocked at my own in-the-moment instinct: the desire to hurt her – to beat her – was there, and it scared me more than any tantrum she has ever thrown.
I’m thankful that I was able to recognize the line and step away before crossing it and doing something I might forever regret. Those moments still bother me – I often torture myself for even thinking such things. What kind of a mom thinks of beating her child?
The truth is, many parents have these thoughts, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves or others for thinking them. Thoughts and actions are two very different things, and even though I might have been angry enough to carry out my irresponsible wishes, I didn’t do it. A different kind of instinct took over at that point – mother’s instinct.
And while I laugh about those long nights when Cordy was a baby, when Aaron and I discussed driving out to a cornfield and leaving her there, I also acknowledge that there were moments where I scared myself with violent thoughts. Recognizing where that escalation beyond frustration into violence begins, though, has helped me from reaching that point again. I’m not a great mother, but I do know I’m a pretty good mom, doing the best I can each day.
Although I still threaten to leave them in a cornfield.
What are your darkest moments of parenting? Write a post about it, leave a comment here, or e-mail Ali if you want to do it anonymously (details at her post here). And be sure to visit Catherine and lend her your support as well.
Thank you for being willing to lay it all out there, hopefully more of us will follow suit and be able to express that we aren’t the perfect moms we try to be.
(ok, I just try to shoot for fed and warm, I just don’t see myself hitting perfect anytime soon!)
Thank you for being so honest. We expect so much from ourselves and torture ourselves over our shortcomings. Even for less than perfect thoughts!
Great, great post!
i’m not a parent so i can’t speak to that, but i’m a kid, and i understand that parents are persons too, all too mortal, and so if i were faced with action like that from a parent, i could understand it, and deal with it.
Wow, reading this post made my week. I have a son on the spectrum, and life at times with him is AWFUL, due to his bad, bad tantrums. He’s had a lot of tantrums, mostly from adjusting to school, and I thought I was going to lose my mind this week. I’ve come close to hitting him, but haven’t, thank God. I have yelled a lot, and just feel awful about it. So glad I’m not alone.
Thank you. I feel so much better knowing that I’m not crazy. I don’t have a tantrum throwing toddler yet, but I have an eight month old who refuses to sleep and I sometimes find myself getting angry at her and am always shocked with myself and guilt ridden that I could get angry with an innocent little baby! I just started blogging recently and it is blogs like this that really do help me cope with the issues I am going through as a fairly new mother. Thank you for the honesty!
Thank you for posting this. The more parents open up like this, the less people going through what Catherine is going through will feel alone. We all have our moments, and we need to know that’s OK!
You are brave and good Christina. I think those who are afraid to admit the slip-ups are actually more danger than those in touch with their own human failings.
Yep, been there, though that. For me, it’s less the kids making me insane, it’s my frustrations with juggling home life/work life/husband/housework, etc. at the same time suffering from PMS when I totally lose it. I have definitely had more than one short fuse go off in front of my kids, and not proud of it. I can only hope they’ll forgive me for it later.
When my daughter was diagnosed, I felt out of control. One day I got in the car and left. Left. With her in the house asleep. I got in the car and drove away from my house. I got to the end of the street and just cried and cried, I must have sat there for over 15 minutes, wailing and screaming. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was afraid to try.
I turned the car around and went back in my house. She was still sleeping, she hadn’t even twitched.
But I knew that for a few minutes there, I wanted to just drive away and forget that she was mine, hoping that I could drive far enough away to get away from the hurt and the stress.
Thanks for saying it and being honest about it. It does suck sometimes.
Hi, being a mom is definitely now all shits and giggles. and there a lot of moments that i am not to keen on remembering. sometimes you just can’t hold the anger in and then when my son cries and apolgizes, i cry along with him, so of course that cancels out the punishment and he’s right back at it again. so, sometimes i feel like it’s a no win situation 🙂
For YEARS TC didn’t sleep. A lot of kids with Autism don’t. I was against medicating him but years of no sleep took its toll on my physical and mental health. There were nights when I had scary thoughts…”If only he would shut up for a few hours.” and the things I could do to MAKE him shut up.
Finally, I discovered Melatonin, it is all natural and it has been a Godsend. He actually sleeps now. For more than 3 hours at a time. WOOT WOOT!!