A Mommy Story

I’d like to tell you that my depression has magically cleared up, but that isn’t the case. However, I can report that things are a bit better. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work through my feelings, and after a few calls back and forth with my doctor’s office, I now have my antidepressants again.

My doctor refused to switch the prescription, feeling this med is the best in my case, but she did change it to a twice-a-day pill instead of the extended release version which costs about three times a much. This cheaper formulation is within the reach of our budget – still expensive, but as long as we get insurance soon, we can eat the costs for a month or two. The big advantage of this antidepressant is it works far faster than many of the others out there. Traditional SSRI’s can take up to six weeks to start working, while this one produces notable effects within the first two weeks.

Gotta say, I’m glad to be reunited with my little round friends. I don’t like medicating my problems away, but I’m also not stupid and know when to cry uncle. Last month I faced some extremely dark days that scared me – days when I would be in the car and let my mind wander briefly to thoughts of driving off a bridge or going to sleep and not waking up. Short flashes of thought – not enough to ever consider as intention, but enough to make me take notice. I went back and forth between feeling completely numb or feeling intense despair. My words were too harsh to my daughters, and I could barely look Aaron in the eye. Going to bed was the highlight of my day.

I’m still not feeling anywhere close to “normal” yet, but I am better. Fleeting thoughts of doom still occasionally trouble me, but I can dismiss them and push them from my mind with little effort. My head doesn’t feel so foggy anymore, leaving me more focused. I’m slowly sifting through the jumble of doubts and emotions that this depression has littered my mind with. My family are so, so tolerant of this process, giving me the space and support I need to work this out.

Thanks go to many of you who have provided words of support, too. So many of you left supportive words on my post and in e-mails to me, and I appreciate it so much. Reading each of those reminded me I wasn’t alone, and gave me that extra boost I needed. I’m sorry many of you didn’t get a response from me – after spilling out my feelings in one burst, I couldn’t face discussing it again right away. In general, my Inbox is still a mess of unanswered e-mail and messages with stars next to them, reminders to get back to those particular items. I’ve started tackling some of that mess, and hope to get through the essentials by the end of the week.

If this little space of mine on the internet could provide one nugget of value, it would be to not ignore that little voice in your head that tells you something is off, either mentally or physically or externally in your life. You deserve to feel your best, and anything that gets in the way of that should be addressed.

I’m going to use all the tools I have to get past depression and feel stable again. I’m not looking to be little Miss Sunshine, but I’ll settle for nothing less than Miss Mostly Sunny with Occasional Clouds. My daughters aren’t the only ones who are strong-willed and stubborn – after all, where do you think they got it from?