I’d like to tell you that my depression has magically cleared up, but that isn’t the case. However, I can report that things are a bit better. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work through my feelings, and after a few calls back and forth with my doctor’s office, I now have my antidepressants again.
My doctor refused to switch the prescription, feeling this med is the best in my case, but she did change it to a twice-a-day pill instead of the extended release version which costs about three times a much. This cheaper formulation is within the reach of our budget – still expensive, but as long as we get insurance soon, we can eat the costs for a month or two. The big advantage of this antidepressant is it works far faster than many of the others out there. Traditional SSRI’s can take up to six weeks to start working, while this one produces notable effects within the first two weeks.
Gotta say, I’m glad to be reunited with my little round friends. I don’t like medicating my problems away, but I’m also not stupid and know when to cry uncle. Last month I faced some extremely dark days that scared me – days when I would be in the car and let my mind wander briefly to thoughts of driving off a bridge or going to sleep and not waking up. Short flashes of thought – not enough to ever consider as intention, but enough to make me take notice. I went back and forth between feeling completely numb or feeling intense despair. My words were too harsh to my daughters, and I could barely look Aaron in the eye. Going to bed was the highlight of my day.
I’m still not feeling anywhere close to “normal” yet, but I am better. Fleeting thoughts of doom still occasionally trouble me, but I can dismiss them and push them from my mind with little effort. My head doesn’t feel so foggy anymore, leaving me more focused. I’m slowly sifting through the jumble of doubts and emotions that this depression has littered my mind with. My family are so, so tolerant of this process, giving me the space and support I need to work this out.
Thanks go to many of you who have provided words of support, too. So many of you left supportive words on my post and in e-mails to me, and I appreciate it so much. Reading each of those reminded me I wasn’t alone, and gave me that extra boost I needed. I’m sorry many of you didn’t get a response from me – after spilling out my feelings in one burst, I couldn’t face discussing it again right away. In general, my Inbox is still a mess of unanswered e-mail and messages with stars next to them, reminders to get back to those particular items. I’ve started tackling some of that mess, and hope to get through the essentials by the end of the week.
If this little space of mine on the internet could provide one nugget of value, it would be to not ignore that little voice in your head that tells you something is off, either mentally or physically or externally in your life. You deserve to feel your best, and anything that gets in the way of that should be addressed.
I’m going to use all the tools I have to get past depression and feel stable again. I’m not looking to be little Miss Sunshine, but I’ll settle for nothing less than Miss Mostly Sunny with Occasional Clouds. My daughters aren’t the only ones who are strong-willed and stubborn – after all, where do you think they got it from?
Glad to hear things are on their way back to … normalcy (hate that word but can’t think of a good synonym right now). Feel better! 🙂
I spend a great deal of my time advocating the use of medication when true chemical imbalances have taken over someone’s body. And, it sounds as if you truly know what is going on. Good for you to make the step and keep your head up, things will start to lighten up and the fog will lift.
That sounds so much more peaceful than your words have sounded in ages. I love the way your write openly and honestly. It was just a beautiful picture you pained.
OOps, that last one made it to the wrong site…..sorry, it is 6 AM aferall, a full hour or more before I am suppose to get up…sorry
I’m glad to see that the turnaround is starting. I know how scary that place can be and how much you want to escape it. Hang in there!
Honey, glad you’re able to recognize the signs…Hope things get smoother soon…
Glad you have your little round friends back. I can’t wait to see you next Saturday! I am so glad that we get to drink wine as we create… that will only enhance my stick people creativity. 🙂
How is school??
My mom struggled with depression and anxiety for a very long time before she got the help she needed. I applaud you for facing it head on. It’s not an easy thing to do. Glad that the clouds are finally parting for you and you can see a little sun!
hey, this is just what I’ve always like about you and your blog. You are clear headed, down to earth and emotionally honest – no drama, just reality. I’m glad your reality is getting that much better & glad you are so strong-willed. It’s a good thing.
Christina, I’m so glad to hear that the sun is starting to peek through bit. Wonderful news.
I’ve said so many times that knowing when to get help is the biggest sign of strength.
Glad to hear the fog is beginning to lift, however slowly.
HUGs Kisses Prayers …
I am glad you are on your way beack to simi normal … I say simi cause what really is normal?! Haha Just trying to make you laugh with me … haha
Anyway serrious I am proud of you for admitting you needed help and seeking it!
HUGS KISSES and PRAYERS
I am relieved to hear you are starting to feel more normal, and also that you recognized the need to get help.
Good for you! Staying stubborn in the quest for MOSTLY HAPPY is a very good thing. Sounds like you have the tools in place, and you KNOW you have empathy and understanding from your readers (and others in your life I am sure.)
I’m glad that things are starting to feel a bit better. It’s so hard, isn’t it? The depression is so tenacious… it fights so hard to stick around, turning your thoughts into negative ones, taking all of your energy. But once it recedes you look back and wonder how it could possibly have held you so tight in its grip.
It’s interesting to read this post in conjunction with the previous one, where you talk about Mira and your anxiety over her being 15 months old. That’s got to be a lot for your mind to deal with — fear, guilt, etc. combined with not wanting to seem (even to yourself) like you wish anything were different with Cordy. You have every right to be depressed right now — it’s your body’s way of helping you take the time to deal with all of this.
Good to hear that things are a little better. I hope every day is a little easier for you.
I’m so glad things are getting better for you.
Sending you alot of hugs, woman. I’ve been there. It hurts my heart that you have been there. But medication can help. I hope it IS helping. (I call it my “Vitamin S” – for sanity.)