I should have known the monster was lurking in the shadows.
Lately I’ve felt out-of-sorts. It started innocently enough – I could blame my uneasy moods and little dark cloud over my head on our employment situation. (Still no jobs yet, by the way.) I might have felt the cold breath of it on the back of my neck at BlogHer.
But over the past week I’ve started running little self-checks in my head, and I didn’t like the results. I’m having trouble keeping up with everything. I’m short-tempered with the girls. I’m occasionally finding a nearly empty box of Cheez-its in my hand with no idea where they all went. Cleaning up the house seems so pointless.
I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. I’m lazy at getting back to e-mails, comments, and even phone calls.
Trying to write a blog post is an actual chore. When I do write anything down, I hate every word I write, unable to find the right words, put them in the right combination, or find the right hook to really capture attention. When I read my own posts, I feel like a broken record. I’m still reading blogs, but I feel like I have so little to contribute that I’m rarely commenting. I feel empty inside.
It really hit me when I was on a conference call about depression with Dr. Myrna Weissman and Families for Depression Awareness. I listened, asked questions, and as the call continued, I started to realize it: I’ve lost interest in activities I enjoy. I fit all of the symptoms.
I’m depressed.
Again.
It was so sneaky this time. Taking advantage of the bad times, and piggybacking on a few negative feelings, growing and feeding them until they were big, bad Negative Feelings.
I’ve also tried to deny it for some time now. After all, I don’t have time to be depressed. I can’t put my life on hold to deal with this. We don’t even have insurance right now. I need to be in overdrive right now for my family – depression does not figure in this plan.
But the monster is out of the closet, and it has completely overtaken me. The last time I was depressed was when I was pregnant with Cordy. It took me by surprise then, too. After all, I was pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, and it was what I really wanted – shouldn’t I be over-the-moon happy? I was put on antidepressants while pregnant and continued them through Cordy’s first year to prevent postpartum depression.
I was expecting to be depressed again when pregnant with Mira, but I wasn’t. Once she was born, I had some normal postpartum sadness, but it quickly faded and there was no sign of depression. Now over a year later, it seems to have caught up with me, like an unwanted visitor you hope won’t show up for the party.
I hate this. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t know what to do about it right now, either. As soon as a job with insurance materializes I can get myself to the pharmacy for antidepressants again, I guess. In the meantime, I need to keep pushing through each day, getting all of my work done with minimal lateness and making efforts to be social.
So I guess what I’m saying is I hope you’ll please bear with me as I work through this. I’m sorry I’m sucking at being a good blog friend right now. I’ve spent 10 minutes trying to find an end for this post, something that puts an upbeat end to it, but I’m at a loss this time.
I want to feel like me again soon, instead of this hollow shell of me.
I’m so sorry, Christina. Lots of love to you as you work through this. I hope the cloud lifts as quickly as it descended.
I hope that you will soon be back to yourself again.
hugs. take care, hon.
in the interim — while you’re waiting for insurance — can you try st. johns wort? it’s the herbal alternative.
I’m always always here for you. Always.
I’m sorry. Is there a sliding scale medical clinic in your area? You might be able to get a doctor visit and prescription at a very low cost.
Much understanding here. I don’t talk about it much in the public forum of my blog, but this monster and I? We are very good friends. If you need any support (other than all that has been poured out here in your comment section) I am available to hear you out. Just ask. (aeinoyou AT yahoo DOT com)
Blessings on wing.
I’m so sorry you have to work through this when there’s so much other stuff to deal with, especially no health insurance. You have a great husband and beautiful girls, and the four of you will come out the other side. Best wishes for all of you.
cyberspace hugs
I hope things are sunny for you soon enough.
xoxoxo
I’m familiar with the monster’s ugly twin sister, anxiety, so I know what you are talking about when it “sneaks” up on you.
I wish I could offer more than a cyber hug and some of the same advice that’s already been given. But if you can find a little time to put some exercise into your routine, it may help. Even just a brisk walk around the neighborhood will help.
Hang in there. 🙂
Oh Christina, I hear you apologizing for being depressed. The thing is (as that ad used to tell you with the little Shel Silverstein drawings) apologizing for depression is like apologizing for chicken pox or cancer. It’s not your fault. I hope you have the resources to find the help you need. In the meanwhile, we’re all here for you.
I am so sorry that you are depressed. Get the help and support you need to feel grounded and centered again. Take good care.
Oh, I am so sorry. This is one of the few things that brings me out of lurkerdom. Since you are a student, you might want to check with your school to see what kind of services they offer. I was able to get free counseling and very low-cost meds through my school when I went through it. I hope you can find something that can help you NOW, when you and your family need it the most. I wish you the best.
Aw, hon. Hang in there. You know that it’s mostly the circumstances of life that have gotten you to this place. Remember that you have come out of it before, and that you have already taken the first step in beating depression: acknowledging it.
Love you…
I hope you feel better really soon.
St. John’s wort was suggested, and that will help take the edge off. 5 HTP, (found in the vitamin aisle) helps a lot too.
Those are two things I took when I got divorced, and they helped get me through the tough times.
It’s Baca, btw, I don’t have a google account. 🙂
I wish you the best in getting through this time. Depression is so difficult to recognize, especially because it often does occur when other things are taking place that can camouflage it and almost make sense of it. Make sure to get a lot of sunlight on your face – it’s free therapy and might help a little.
I’m right there with you, I keep reminding myself that this is such a mental battle and I have to keep fighting! I’ve got an appointment in a couple weeks, hopefully I’ll be able to get something worked out, but last time I tried zoloft (for headaches at the time) it made my headaches worse so I’m not looking forward to the journey to wellness. Ugh. Keep on keepin’ on, we’ll muck through!
Don’t apologize for yourself, Christina. I can totally commiserate with what you’re going through and you don’t need to beat yourself up over a blog. It sucks so much that you can feel great and then depression sneaks back in. I keep having bouts with it myself, and I’m still on medicine. Just know that you have a lot of support from your blogging community and I hope that you can get the help you need.
If you need anything at all, shoot me an email.
I think there’s a lot more people who have been in your shoes than will talk about it.
Do what you can to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
To follow up Lisa C’s comment, you can probably get anti-deppressants at a reduced rate based on your current income/situation.
Wishing you the best.
((hugs))
Kim via Plain Jane Mom
More hugs for you. (ooooooo)
Take care of yourself.
Sorry to hear about your self-diagnosis, but at least now you know what you’re dealing with. I would suggest asking a doctor (or nurse practitioner) about generic anti-depressants. Kroger sells them for $4 or $10 for a 90-day supply.
Don’t put any pressure on yourself…we’ll still be here when you feel like yourself again…
Thinking of you.
Christina, HUGGS KISSES and PRAYERS I am so sorry you are not “happy” it sucks and I understand the push through it … i did that for so long after Tatum came… I will be thinking about you and try to enjoy a little soemthing everyday!
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this. We’ll be here when you come back. Is there anything I/we can do to help? I’m thinking about you.
Depression sucks, no two ways about it. I’ve been there too. You’re not alone.
Can you go to a walk-in clinic? Do you have those where you are? (We don’t, which is why I ask.) WalMart, as much as I loathe and despise the place, does $4 generic prescriptions, so if you can get a 6 month one written, it won’t cost you much to fill every month. Walgreens also advertises $4 a month scrips for generics, too.
I battle this beast all the time and right now, can’t afford the one a/d that works for me, so I know well the hideousness of it all. It sucks hairy, sweaty donkey balls.
thanks for being so open and honest. be proud of this post, for you spoke the truth.
Holy shit..I was about to write the exact same post.
I kid you not.
And I am on meds..but they ain’t hacking it.
I couldn’t sleep last night and lay there and took stock…messy house, poor cleaning, lack of enthusiasm, sad sad, disorganized…all checks…
The monster is here too and I need to go and see what else I can do to fix it…
Right there with you.
okay, I’m pulling hard for you. I know you will find a way to get the care you need. hang in there.
I hope you feel like yourself again soon. Depression sucks.
I’m so talking about this a lot lately. I have insurance and it pays well. But, my mother’s insurance had this outrageous co-pay for her anti-depressant and my doctor would give her samples so she didn’t have to buy the medication. If you can scrape up enough money for one office visit with a really good doctor and explain the situation, they should keep you in stock with samples….don’t go unattended girlfriend
For some reason this seems to a personal issue with me right now. Every way I turn I’m preaching about it, I just wrote two posts about it entitled Passion, you should go read and in the meantime, find you a good doctor, not a family doctor, a real emotional-fixing doctor
I only suggested you go read my post because it is a …pep talk of sorts if you read both parts all at once…I mean I tell the hard part but it gets peppy and I do my best to educate people and make them more active in their health. And, of course, that sometimes means educating your spouse, your parents, your friends…..
Meds and therapy are my best friends. You will find your way out, keep blogging about it. Your candor may help someone else. MANY of us have been there. I also began antidepressants about a month before I was due, (after bad, lengthy postpartum depression with the older children), and continue them today. Please be careful combining St.John’s wart and antidepressants, in some cases it is contraindicated.
I have a dark cloud that I can’t shake right now, too, and I am dreading naming it the name that I think it is…sigh….
Getting yourself into a routine is supposed to help. I know how much you love cleaning (LOL)but you can sign up for free cleaning routine reminder emails at Flylady.com. Some of the messages can be a bit overenthusatic for me and the woman is obcessed with keeping her sink clean, but it’s free and the idea of doing small cleaning jobs at 15 minute intervals appeals to my I like to keep stuff clean but don’t have time to do it side. And the routines might help some since meds may not be an option right now.
Personally, I think you’re a great blogging friend! You read my blog and commented on a couple of my non Haiku Friday posts! Wow, my Blogging Idol read me Woo-hoo! Didn’t know you inspired me to blog did you? Well now you do! And I’m not just saying all of this nicity nice nice stuff to you because you know where I live. 🙂 I think you’re great sweetie, just the way you are.
The most important thing is to take care of you! We’ll always be here!
*hugs* I know how you feel, I’ve been going through the very same thing right now.
ach, Christina, I’m so sorry. I’ve been wondering about you. Please hang in there and know that we are all here for you and for your family in any way that blog friends can be.
who cares about happy blog posts endings anyway, we’ve discussed this before and there is no need for them at a time like this. Just do what you need to do.
Take care. Vicky
No rainbows or unicorns here either. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone!
*heres to hoping things get better for you…..soon
Oh Christina. I am so sorry to hear your news. Hang in there. We’re all here when you need us. Don’t worry about happy ending blogs. I really hope you can find help now so this can end for you. You’re really not alone as I have had a sneaky feeling that I’m experiencing the exact same thing and just won’t admit it to myself.
Hugs….
I know what you are going through and it IS very hard. However, this too shall pass.
I am not sure if medication is the answer because I have been told that it can be very addictive. Just hold on and everytime you feel sad – hug your child. There is no better remedy. That is how I cope.
Hugs….
I know what you are going through and it IS very hard. However, this too shall pass.
I am not sure if medication is the answer because I have been told that it can be very addictive. Just hold on and everytime you feel sad – hug your child. There is no better remedy. That is how I cope.
I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll be feeling yourself again soon.
I feel this way sometimes too. Feel better :).
I was reading in one of my PPD books that stress can be a significant cause (not just contributor to) depression because over time the stress hormones can actually change the way your neurotransmitters work. Which is to say: you should not be angry with yourself for feeling this way. Think about it: you’ve got two children 3 or under, both of whom are mobile and who require a lot of your time and attention; you’ve got a daughter with special needs who could run ANYone ragged; your husband recently lost his job and now you guys are struggling financially… you’ve got LEGITIMATE reasons to feel stressed out, in over your head, and depressed.
Being depressed isn’t self-indulgent. I promise.
I think depression is our bodies’ way of telling us that WE MUST take time to heal from whatever our lives have thrown at us.
I know it’s not like you can just eliminate all stressors from your life but maybe just accepting that you have every right to be depressed and stressed out will in and of itself eliminate a stress that might help you cope a bit better each day? Sometimes it helps me, anyway. Sometimes saying, “Yeah, I have a right to feel this way and if I just ride it out I’m going to be better even though I can’t snap my fingers and get better RIGHT NOW” I actually do feel a bit better.
Feel free to call or write anytime. I’m always around.
Having struggled with depression for over 20 years I understand how difficult it is. I realize you wrote this post a month ago but I hope you are finding some peace, some help and some strength.