I really don’t have time to be depressed right now.
August is shaping up to be one of the busiest months for me, and only an Olympic-sized effort is going to get me through to the end of the month finish line with everything accomplished.
In exactly one week school begins for Cordy, and I’m completely unprepared at the moment. It’s not like I really need that much to be prepared – there are no crazy lists of supplies each child must have, including the requisite three boxes of Kleenex. She really only needs a backpack, plenty of pull-ups, and a good pair of shoes. Her feet have spent most of the summer in the freedom of sandals, due to my own obsession with summer sandals. (Am I alone in this? Foot claustrophobia is real, people. My feet must be free.)
I do worry that the emotional preparations for going back to school will be far harder. While she loved preschool last year, and will be returning to the same teacher and many of the same classmates, it’s still another transition that we must face. We’ve discussed it daily, and each time she brushes it off, saying, “I never want to go to school.” I may try giving her teacher a call this week to see if we can come visit the classroom before school starts, so Cordy can re-acquaint herself with the room before adding in the additional stress of several kids.
I’ve procrastinated on several writing projects and now must force myself to finish them and move them off my plate. They’re not difficult at all – getting the motivation to sit down and write is the hardest part. The overwhelming feelings of inadequacy attack every time I try to write something, telling me I’m not good enough to be paid to write, and anything I turn in will be rejected and laughed at. I know it’s not true, but that little voice has become very loud and persistent. I need to find a muzzle for it.
I’m so angry with myself for being depressed. Random crying fits and the energy of a sloth aren’t conducive to getting all of this done. I want to shake it off, get working, and be in overdrive again. I’m paralyzed by my thoughts. Being held down by your own emotions feels worse than being oppressed by any outside force.
I’ve called my doctor to inquire about going back on antidepressants. I have a prescription for Wellbutrin sitting in my patient file, but when I checked with local pharmacies, the cheapest price for the generic version is $130 for 30 days. (!!) My doctor will be calling me back tomorrow to discuss options. Should have figured that the antidepressant that works best for me isn’t one of the $4 generics that pharmacies offer.
Thank you all for your support on my last post. That virtual hug from so many was a very soothing feeling, and I see I’m not alone in fighting with this monster at the moment. I hope those of you who are also feeling the sting of depression can find the help you need, too.
Knowing there is this community of support is what keeps me coming back to blogging, even when I feel like I have nothing worth saying.
And because I do have a pathological need to end on a hopeful note, I will add that Aaron has another job interview tomorrow. It would be a good position for him with a great employer. Fingers are already crossed.
You sound overwhelmed. If it will help, make a list, and as you tackle each thing, reward yourself with something – a walk (gets you moving!), an early bedtime snuggled up with a book or Aaron…something that makes you happy.
As for Cordy, hopefully you can get in before school starts, but if not, you know your kid and what you’ll need to do to mentally prepare her.
Best of luck Christina – you’re going to be just fine.
I’m sending warm vibes your way and wishing Aaron luck. Once that clicks, a lot of your stress will subside I hope!
Good luck with your husband’s job interview!
I agree with Karen. With the added mantra: This too shall pass.
It can only stay crappy for so long. At least you have the ability to recognize what is wrong instead of walking blindly into a deeper valley. But more importantly, you want it to change. Hang in there! You can do this.
Please don’t let yourself feel as if you’ve failed something if you don’t get it done. My list never seems to see an end and I often drop those balls I am perpetually juggling. There is only so much one can do and there are priorities. Cordy and school, your husband’s job interview, taking the time to find your peace. Once you take care of the biggies, everything else falls into place.
{{HUGS}}
Good luck for Aaron’s interview and with your writing. What you write is worth reading and being paid for!
Hope the interview goes well…
Welbutrin is so expensive because many smoker’s use it as an aid to quitting. I hope they find something for you that is less costly!
BTW, you have inspired me to speak with my doc about the dark cloud in my life, too.
Sending some e-hugs, girl. I’m just starting to come out of my own fog and cringing at the deadlines that are looming right in front of me. ugh, ugh.
Also free footed over here. We’re mostly barefoot. Mmm free feet!
I’m glad you updated.
An other option to discuss with your dr. may be asking him for samples if it works so well for you.
I can only imagine how overwhelmed you feel.
PS: I think you’re a great writer.
fingers crossed.
toes too because my feet are free.
Crossed finger over here, too!
If you’re going to have a pathological need…that’s a good one to have!
I know things are tough. I hope things turn around for you. Hang in there!
I hope the interview goes well and the JOB is offered to him, that will start to make you feel better!
Keep blogging and hang in there – hugs to you from me!
I’m hoping and praying for you guys.
And a ginormous virtual hug from me. What a time to have the blue monster creep up on you. Karen is totally right, make sure your remembering you and taking care of you and don’t feel a dang bit guilty about it.
That sucks. Wellbutrin is the only antidepressant that works for me also. Have you checked into the newest generic for it, Budeprion? I recently switched and now I pay an $8 copay rather than $25.
I hope your hubby’s interview goes well!
Hang in there! You are so not alone.
Mental hugs and positive thoughts for Aaron’s interview.
Don’t forget to breathe. So often I find myself freaking out because I didn’t stop and breathe.
Hang in there!
You can’t be angry at yourself for being depressed. You don’t get to pick your chemistry.
Good luck.
Welbutrin now has a generic that is way cheaper than the brand name. Don’t let those silly pharmacists fool you!
don’t know if you’ve researched this, but when we were in the states and uninsured and i needed to fill my wellbutrin i went to sams. we upgraded our membership to the advantage plus membership – which is not cheap $100 a year. but the biggest benefit was prescription discounts. my welbutrin went from $120 to $60 a month. and with the other prescriptions in our family we paid for the membership in 2 months.
we no longer live in the states and are now able to walk into the pharmacy and just ask for what we need, no prescriptions needed. i take a different form of wellbutrin and it’s $60.
My name is Tricia Hurley and i would like to show you my personal experience with Wellbutrin.
I am 54 years old. Have been on Wellbutrin for 1 year now. Helps with depression. No weight gain like with Zoloft or decreased libido like with Prozac. I do think Prozac worked better and the only reason I went off it was my husband complained about that libido thing.
I have experienced some of these side effects –
Involuntary jerks of hands and legs. Feels like when you’re about to fall asleep and suddenly jerk awake, but this is in the daytime. Often feel like adrenaline is flooding my stomach.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Tricia Hurley