The other day I was at my favorite resale shop (c’mon, you think I pay full price for Gymboree?), and as I was at the back of the store, glancing through the toys, I saw a little girl toddle up to a small basketball hoop. She couldn’t have been more than 18 months, and she was enamored with this little plastic stand with the nylon hoop. She hung onto the rim, bouncing up and down with glee. It was really cute.
Her mom glanced down and, seeing her daughter putting a ball through the hoop, pulled her away, saying, “No honey, that toy isn’t for you. It’s a boy’s toy. Let’s find you a different toy.”
I had already walked past them at this point, and my head nearly snapped off as I turned to see what was going on. The little girl started to fuss and tried to go back to the basketball hoop. The mom was more forceful this time: “No, leave it alone! It’s not for you – I told you it’s a toy for boys! You can’t have it.” She picked the child up so she couldn’t get back to the toy.
An older woman then turned to her as the little girl started to cry, reaching out for the toy she desired. “What’s she trying to play with?”
“Oh, mom, she’s trying to play with that hoop over there. I told her it’s not a toy for her.”
The grandmother made cooing noises as she smiled and stroked the cheek of the little girl. “Honey, that’s a boy toy. Let’s find you a pretty doll, OK? You’ll like a little doll to play with.” The girl’s mom nodded and they walked further down the aisle to find a doll, all while the toddler looked back over her mother’s shoulder at the basketball hoop she wanted so badly.
I didn’t want to get involved. But I nearly did because I was so angry at what I was seeing. This is where it starts. This is where the separation of the sexes begins, as little girls are told that only certain things are proper for them. (And I’m sure some little boys are also told that dolls aren’t appropriate for them. I’m not trying to suggest that boys aren’t subject to gender bias, too.)
Where does it go from here, I wonder?
That little girl won’t play sports, because sports are for boys.
She won’t be encouraged in math or science, because English and the arts are what girls should be good in.
She’ll starve herself and be obsessed with her physical appearance, because she’ll believe that is where her worth lies.
She won’t ask out that nice, shy boy she likes in school – the one who seems to like her too – because girls aren’t supposed to make the first move.
She won’t say no when the next boy she dates pressures her into sex, because she feels that she can’t say no to him because he’s male.
She may go to college, but will pick an easy major and look to get her MRS degree.
She’ll never try to run for president, because that’s a job for boys.
This may sound extreme, but it’s all possible. Why should we limit our children’s futures based on their gender? I thought that we as a society might have progressed a little further than pulling a child away from a basketball hoop and forcing a doll on her instead, but I guess not.
Currently, Cordy’s favorite toys are her rocket ship, her cars, and her building blocks. At the same time, she loves her stuffed bears and must have them in bed with her at night. Her favorite color is purple, but she says she wants to play drums or be an astronaut when she grows up. (Aw, just like mommy. I’m so proud.)
My girls will be raised to believe that they can be anything they want to be. I would never place limits on them because they happen to be female. If they were boys, I’d feel the same way. It’s time to stop thinking that women are only allotted particular interests or opportunities in life because of the double X chromosome set. We’re just as smart as men, and just as capable of performing any job a man can do. (Including careers in science, technology, government and the military.)
I’ll willingly agree that men and women are different, and sometimes behave differently due to our biology. But this doesn’t make one gender inferior to the other. Just because men tend towards more muscle mass doesn’t mean women can’t be athletes. And just because women seem to have more of a nurture instinct doesn’t mean men can’t be excellent stay at home dads.
Beyond our biology, we all have our individual strengths and weaknesses, and those strengths should be encouraged and allowed to flourish. If I had my way, I’d erase from our collective thoughts any idea of a “girl toy” or “boy toy”. They’re just toys.
If that little girl had been mine, I would have bought her that basketball hoop without a second thought. And taught her how to do a slam dunk.
Grrr. Because girls don’t run, girls don’t jump, girls don’t compete??
It makes me nuts. I’m glad you are raising 2 girls.
My boys have dolls and beads and other “girly” stuff to play with. I make sure to expose them to other things and if that had been my girl she would have had that basket ball hoop too. Some people are so narrow minded.
Yuppo. Both my sister and I graduated with engineering degrees – lots of effort from our part of course, but very much influenced by our parents, who believed strongly that math and science were perfectly appropriate for girls.
I’m sure Cordy will be an excellent astronaut!
This makes me both mad and sad at the same time…that mom may be limiting her daughter’s options. I too am glad that you are raising two girls.
I am currently raising a little boy and if he expressed an interest in a doll or beads or whatever, I would totally get it for him!
Sigh. It still happens all the time. And we unconsciously make the decisions for our own children, based upon what gender it is commercially geared towards. But my sons did have a doll (that they fed occasionally, but more often put in the play oven), dress-up beads, and a few other “girly” toys. Once a girl came into our home though? The dolls, pink, fluffy toys came in abundance. However, since we already have tons and tons of trucks, dinosaurs, toy guns and monster-type toys, I feel she has a great variety of things to choose from.
Everytime we go to the store and she sees the “boys toys” I tell her that they are great for girls too and we get in a bit of a discussion about it.
Yes, she’s obsessed with princesses right now, but damned if she’ll think that certain toys are just for boys.
We’ve always been very mindful of the gender gap. Having two boys, it seems to me it’s easier to let girls do whatever pleases them than boys, socially speaking.
Girls can wear jeans, can play with trains, can be tough. They’re called “tomboys” and are fairly a staple of society. But when I send my boy to daycare with nail polish on, or a clip in his hair, it’s “weird.” But he likes to be like mommy.
He’s not into dolls (but hasn’t had much exposure, I guess), but he LOVES to cook and “clean.” Hopefully he’ll make some woman (or man) very happy one day. 🙂
Fantastic post, Christina! So true. My daughter’s favorite toys are cars and trains (just like her brother). We have bought her dolls and stuffed animals (just like her brother), but she wants nothing to do with them. I want to raise her to do/be what she wants to, not what “society” thinks she can.
Ugh, that just makes me want to throw up! Like you and Kristen, I am the one who’s always trying to convince my daughter the opposite–there is no such thing as boy toys and girl toys!
excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor – OMG I can’t believe it – I thought that crazy sports for boys was out a long time ago- I grew up playing soccer for our BOYS high school team, because we didn’t have “girls” soccer. My Dad and Mom had to drive me 2.5 hours ever Monday and Wednesday night to play with a traveling girl’s team. Thank God to Soccer – it kept me busy and out of trouble, it even paid IN FULL for my college! Good thing my MOM didn’t say “no honey that is for boys!” Thanks mom!
I am glad Cordy plays with all kinds of toys and really should we limit our children to anything if it makes them happy that is what it is about right?!
Great post – it got my heart and my blood PUMPING!
Oh this floors me. And over a basketball hoop? Last I checked there were women’s basketball teams!
Yikes – I can’t believe that would actually happen in 2008. My boy and girl pretty much share all of their toys – and we like it that way. I can’t imagine telling my daughter that something was a “boy toy”. Those women need a clue – or at least a subscription to Newsweek.
Yup, and as other commenters with boys have mentioned, I witness lots of the “reverse,” where moms are concerned about their sons being too effeminate.
In fact, you reminded me that I had a post in queue about this topic – so I’ve now uploaded it with credit to you for being my memory!
I think I’d have been VERY tempted to go BUY that basketball hoop and PUT it in the little girls hands!
Liv wears pink and takes ballet and loves playing house, but a firetruck or a harley goes by and her head almost comes off of her body with the excitement!!! She’s allowed to pick her toys based on interest! And, while she is really girly, it is by her choice.
Gabe will have dolls if he wants them and a kitchen (dont get me started on those only coming in pink) if he wants them!
That’s just awful. That is completely going to give that girl a skewed perception. UGH!!
My daughter plays with tools, dolls and balls alike, as does my son. People like that make me want to bring out my bitch stick!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Omigod that makes my blood boil too. I often hear it the other way since we are surrounded by boys – my 4.5-year-old will put a kitty ears headband on a not-yet-one-year-old boy, for example, only to have the mother wig out at her that it’s a girl’s toy and her son shouldn’t wear that. You bet my daughter and I had a conversation after that. We often have to talk, though, about how people are different and have different tolerances and beliefs, etc. and you have to respect their stuff even if it’s not what you would do.
But oh my gosh, that poor little girl you saw in the store. Maybe she’ll get a little brother and be able to play with his toys…
As for me, I grew up playing soccer too (though not as long and it certainly didn’t pay for my college – that would rock!), and playing with my brother’s matchbox cars (even if I had been a boy I would have played with my brother’s hand-me-downs; my parents would not have bought more for me since we already had some) and I NEVER liked dolls. Barbies & other plastic dolls creep me out and I have never understood how playing with them is fun. Except for Skipper, of course. Everyone loves a doll who can grow boobs on command.
I’m honestly shocked. I really don’t think I know ANYone who would say that to a little girl. WEIRD PEOPLE.
I think I totally would have said something even though I am usually so shy.
People like that make me want to slap them with my baseball mitt.
Oh wait, that kind of speech is too rough for females.
Grrr.
I’d have had a hard time shutting up too. With 4 boys in the house Boom is lucky to keep a doll. Currently Monkeys favorite tag along toy is this ugly as sin cabbage patch doll with a top knot that he refuses to let me dress (the belly buttons on those things are kinda gross to look at) Boom quickly stole his raptor thingie in return for the doll.
If nothing else, poor Boom gets treated to little like a girl around here.
That Mama’s in for a surprise when her little girl rebels and joins the football team, or better yet, spends her teen years dressing like a boy just to tick her off.
Amen!
I grew up in a family of four girls. We played with Barbies, but also Legos and matchbox cars. We pretended we were mommies and princesses, but we also dug around in the sandbox and explored the woods by our house and used our dad’s random sports equipment to make up our own games.
I have 4-year-old twin nephews now (on my husband’s side)- one of whom loves to wrestle while the other gets worried if his hair isn’t right and is specific about clothing color.
Go you for raising your girls without insidious stereotypes. 🙂
my two year old SON’S current favorite thing to do is carry around ALLLLL of my purses. I do what any good and proper mom would do, I make sure to take a ton of pictures for future girlfriends to look at, and of course year book photos! Also, my old cabbage patch baby lives in his room now because I didn’t want him (my doll) to be lonely so I gave him to my son when he was about one to play with. Drives my husband crazy but he has to deal with it or he has to deal with me…I guess I’m just that scary.
Wow. Don’t know what to add to what’s already been said. That just boggles the mind…
It’s too bad, isn’t it — that they could be so narrow minded in this day and age? We have 2 little boys (ages 3 and 5) who love crashing their matchbox cars and building with blocks and playing football in the backyard for hours, but will also happily show you their freshly painted toenails, cook you up some grub in their kitchen (by the way, Playwonder makes a wooden one in blue and red), and care for their baby dolls. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Frustrating. Send them season tickets to the WNBA.
Some people are stupid. That makes me as angry as hearing a parent tell a little boy who got hurt not to cry cause boys don’t cry. Dammit sometimes things hurt, and it makes you cry. Doesn’t matter if you are a girl or boy. It makes you human.
Yowsers! Really? I’m trying to undo that kind of bias among GROWN-UPs now, and hearing this is still happening to babies now is awful. Just awful.
I hope Cordy does want to become an astronaut — and I hope she’s willing to share the CEV with my boys!
Wow, what really has sent me reeling is the anger and malice of these comments towards this Mom. Even if you don’t agree with her principles, she is obviously an attentive Mom with a great support system and is spending time with her daughter. You all don’t think you sound bigotted and hateful when you want to club a women who thinks differently from you? Does being a “real” woman mean being murdurous towads others who are different form you? God help us….