As many of you know, I had a lot of trouble trying to breastfeed Cordy. She was given a bottle in the hospital because of low blood sugar, and after that she was never interested in the breast when she could have a bottle that required far less effort. That’s my girl – doing only the minimum to get by. I pumped and made her try feeding at the breast each time, but she got less than half of her early nutrition from me. By four months I had given up entirely.
Mira has been far more interested. She was a breastfeeding pro from her first hour in the world. It took us over a month and buying one of every bottle made to convince her to take a bottle of pumped milk occasionally. Hitting the six month mark for breastfeeding was a huge accomplishment for me.
Then in December, Cordy was kind enough to bring home from school a gastrointestinal virus with her art projects and letter tracings. I had nothing to eat or drink for nearly two days, resulting in a decrease in milk. Afterwards, I drank lots of water and thought that my milk supply would bounce back without any problem.
Mira started to get really fussy in December. OK, she’s always been fussy and cranky, but it seemed like December was even worse than normal. I chalked it up to teething as she was putting her hands in her mouth and crying all. the. time. She woke up twice a night on average, and her naps were short and restless. I’d give her Motrin on the really bad nights and put her back to sleep fussy. She would often have to cry it out, since otherwise neither of us would sleep at all.
My mother said to me over and over, “You need to feed her more! I think she’s fussy because she’s hungry.” But I breastfed on demand and gave her three or more jars of solid foods a day. She had to be full!
Turns out my mom knows my child better than me.
I checked her weight about a week ago, and was surprised to learn she weighed exactly the same as she weighed at her six month check up. In a month and a half, she gained nothing. How? I’ve been breastfeeding around the clock, and the daylight hours are filled with spoonfuls of yogurt, oatmeal, and pureed fruits and veggies.
“Give her one bottle of formula and see how she does,” my mom urged. I didn’t want to. I was proud of breastfeeding this long – I could produce what she needed to grow! Only she doesn’t seem to be growing now, so I reluctantly agreed to give it a try.
Mira went to sleep without any crying after that bottle and slept through the night for the first time ever.
I tried it again right before a nap: she slept three hours for that nap and woke up happy. A bottle at bedtime again resulted in another undisturbed night.
Turns out, I was starving my child. I feel like shit just typing that out.
No wonder she’s been crying so much lately. She was hungry and I totally misread the cues. It wasn’t teething, it wasn’t reflux, and it wasn’t a result of her being a crabby baby. She cried and fussed from hunger. She slept poorly because her growling stomach was waking her. And she cried herself to sleep at night because she wanted to eat, not go to sleep.
The one problem with breastfeeding is that it’s hard to tell how much milk is actually being produced. It’s not like we have ounce markers on our breasts. I thought I was still producing plenty, but a quick pumping session revealed that my supply is a lot less than it used to be. It’s no wonder she wasn’t gaining any weight.
I feel so dumb for not figuring this out sooner and putting my infant through a month and a half of hunger as a result. Shouldn’t I have had some kind of motherly instinct to guide me to this solution? My mom figured it out before me, and she hasn’t had a baby in 31 years.
Mira is still breastfeeding, but I’m now adding in two bottles a day to satisfy her hunger. She’s already sleeping better at night and taking longer naps. She’s happier during the day, too – smiling, playing, content. I’m thrilled to see her in a better mood, but part of me still feels like I’ve failed. It’s crazy – my logical brain says this is no big deal, formula isn’t poison and you raised your first on it with no problems, but my big, mushy, emotional heart hates to concede that I can’t make enough milk to feed my child properly. I would have been less upset had Mira simply decided to wean early.
I need to remind myself of my own philosophy that I’ve shared with others so many times: do whatever works. I’ve never been someone who stuck to rigid parenting rules, instead choosing to believe that if it’s working and no one is getting hurt, it’s all good. In this case, formula and breastmilk together work for Mira, and that’s what needs to be done.
Still…I feel incompetent.
If it makes you feel any better, the same thing happened with me–twice. First with Isaac at 4 months, then with Vivian at 9 months. I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks.
But I’ll tell you this, neither Isaac nor Vivian seem to be any worse the wear for it, and the good news is they don’t have any memory of it either, so they can’t blame me later!
When I was struggling so hard to get Evan to even eat anything by mouth and dealing with a GI doctor that did not want to help me along with emotionally dealing with his heart issues I had a breakdown like yours. I was talking on the phone with the nutritionist for the home health care company that was supplying our feeding tube supplies. We went over what was being fed to Evan in one day and the total was much less than he needed to have in a day. I realized that I had been starving my own child. I started sobbing on the phone to this perfect stranger.
You are not the first mom to starve your baby on accident but I know that it still sucks to realize that you were doing it. Hang in there!
Hon, you already said it: Do whatever works best for your family. And sleep? Sleep is a BIG DEAL. If she’s napping and sleeping through the night on formula? Ummm… I’d be hard pressed to NOT give her formula!! I’m sure you know all the details about supply and demand of breast milk, so I won’t go into it other than to say that your supply will continue to decrease if you give loads of other food. But THAT’S OK!! Also, that your supply from pumping is WAY less than what she gets from nursing. Just had to throw that out there.
You know what? You breastfed your baby for six months. That’s awesome! I wasn’t able to breastfeed any of mine. They hated my milk. I tried everything. I even pumped and gave it to them in a bottle. They didn’t want it.
Stop beating yourself up. And you listened to your mom and took her advice. It was a good decision in this case. Be glad she helped you figure it out.
It’s okay to be disappointed. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay?
Six months of antibodies and brain-food. AND you’re still breastfeeding, so she’s STILL getting those benefits.. and, OH RIGHT she’s not starving. You’re so far from a failure!
You’re exactly right: do what works. That’s what makes a good mommy.
Give yourself a break. You are NOT incompetent, just doing the best you can in a job that has no formula (no pun intended) that works for everyone.
It’s bad enough when other people judge as for our parenting skills — don’t let that little voice in your head tell you anything other than this: “You’re a GOOD MOM.”
Congratulations on fixing the problem – way to go, Mom! I know that no amount of hearing not to beat yourself up will keep you from doing it, but at least know that all of us feel this way sometimes. And, like Piece of Work said, Mira won’t remember it!
Oh yeah – I also meant to say, this is why we all wish they had readouts on their foreheads, right? ha ha!
We went through the same thing here. Thomas breastfed till around 9 months and cried the entire time – even with food at 6 months like you described. It took me that much longer to clue in. He was a hell of a lot happier after 10 months. Just in time for the terrible twos.
You are not alone.
Oh and I meant to say there is such an incredible push to breastfeed exclusively and for as long as possible that it makes it difficult to miss signs of this — we’re so sure we are doing the right thing because everyone says we are!
Don’t be so hard on yourself sweetie!
I am one of those lurkers you mentioned a few posts ago. I really enjoy your blog!
Do not feel bad about this! You are awesome just for breastfeeding her at all. I have often wondered about whether my daughter was getting enough milk from me too. It’s impossible to know how much they are actually getting. And instead of feeling bad about realizing that you haven’t been feeding her enough, be proud that you figured it out and are fixing it. Formula isn’t poison. I always go with the parenting strategy of, “whatever works.”
Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m impressed that you’ve hit that six month mark, even if you’re supplementing now. Both of mine self-weaned at about 5 months, and I was supplementing with formula soon after I went back to work.
Some of us have bodies that just don’t produce as much milk as our babies would like. That’s why they had wet nurses in the old days. 😉
Please, please don’t feel incompetent. You did what you thought was right and by the way what most doctors and breastfeeding experts would have told you to do. That’s great that you found a solution, please try not to keep beating yourself up over this, though I certainly know that’s easier said than done. Thank you so much for writing this, I know it will help others if they are having similar issues. You are awesome.
I would say don’t beat yourself up, because I would. BUT that rocks that you discovered it and that she’s happier and smiling and that it’s not reflux or anything like that.
Now that I think of it, maybe I need to feed Drew more.
And PS — I bet more than one person reading this now or at one point in time will say “hmmm maybe that’s it” — so you’ve probably helped a bunch of people by posting this.
You did not fail. You did the best you could. You used your maternal instincts and you should be proud of your accomplishment with breastfeeding. The best part is, you were able to take your mom’s advice, even though it didn’t feel right and you’ve eliminated the hunger pangs of Mira. I think that’s awesome. I’d be the one who told my mom to shove it. You’re one step ahead of the game!
i too starved my child. i fed my first son only breastmilk, he never had formula. we weaned at 14 months. my second son? yeah that one is still a daily fight. at 2 months we had a very painful bout of thrush, i had to force myself to feed him becuase it hurt so badly and started supplementing formula. he was fussing all night up every two hours when he had been doing 4 hour stretches, just as you described, i took him in to the pede when i finally saw white spots on his cheeks and figured out why i was in so much pain, but my milk supply has not rebounded, add to that returning to work. every other weekend i work two twelve hour shifts back to back, by monday i have almost nothing, it takes me almost two weeks to buid back up and then i work again. ben is both breast and formula fed and is now 4 months old. this was horrible for me, when i realized i was starving him, and that i couldn’t do for him what i did for his brother. but he is happy healthy chubby and developing normally, so i’m getting over it.
Ella has recently needed more food. I have felt like such a failure since my body just isn’t producing enough food for her.
You and I should KNOW that we shouldn’t blame ourselves, but it’s so hard not to. It’s hard to know what babies want…even our mommy intuition isn’t always right.
You don’t deserve the clueless mom of the year award. I think that should go to Britney Spears!
My newborn came homw from the hospital a wonderfully contented baby. He slept all the time, he never cried…what an easy, contented baby everyone said. It wasn’t for almost a week until I realized he wasn’t contented, he had shut down–he was getting no discernable nutrition. Luckily a lactation specialist had us on track in an hour, but I will always remember the horror and guilt I felt. It was awful. Let it go. You were doing the best you could with the information you had. You seem like a great mom. Good luck in your journey.
I agree that SLEEP is a HUGE DEAL! If I could give my son (who is just now 1) a bottle to get him to sleep through the night, honey, I’d be on a darned formula commercial. Don’t beat yourself up. We all do things that we think are stupid. We’re human. When my son was around 9 months, he got really, really fussy. I mean, so fussy momma wanted to put her head in an oven. There seemed to be nothing wrong. This lasted for about 6 weeks. The day we figured it out landed us at the doctor’s office, then the hospital where we learned our baby was so constipated he may have to have surgery to clean him out. Thankfully it only took TWO barium enemas and a plethora of expensive tests to do the job. Talk about feeling incompetent and clueless….Don’t beat your self up. It won’t be the first mistake you make, or the last….
Not that what you did was stupid….Sorry to insinuate that. You followed the advice of every book, website and lactation consultant I have ever heard of….
Oh, that is hard. I second that pumping will not result in as much milk as putting the baby to the breast. Also, Mother’s Milk tea may help boost your supply. As will sleeping more. (I know, there’s a nice feedback loop.) My supply dipped with every menstrual period. So every 3 weeks, starting at 6 weeks postpartum, I worried about a nursing strike. After a few cycles I figured it out and just drank more water and Mother’s Milk tea.
You can do it.
You did everything right. You kept nursing, which should boost supply, so you can’t beat yourself up for it.
If you pump some when she eats a bottle, you may be able to get it back up there, or it may be more worth it to get sleep/give her your time.
I just had a major supply dip, fortunately it came with a cold for her as well that dropped her appetite.
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You did a great job! You were feeding her on demand and giving her plenty of yummy solid foods, and how were you to know she wasn’t getting quite enough… and you weighed her on schedule just like we are supposed to, to prevent an unintentional feeding problem like this. So it is all fine and fixed now!
My younger son used to drink and drink (he was exclusively breastfed for 4-5 months), and still cried for more milk all the time. My MIL used to say he must be hungry and maybe he wasn’t getting enough from my milk. I just ignored her and kept on breastfeeding exclusively, but only because I had the weights to back me up (from the weighings at the well-baby checks). He just had a big appetite for some reason.
My older son was also breastfed only for 4-5 months, but he wanted less and was slimmer. My MIL always said he looked skinny, for his first 3 years. Both kids started at the 50th percentile for weight at birth, and my older son got as low as the 30th percentile (from 3 mos.-10 mos.). My younger son (the one with the big appetite) got as high as the 80th percentile, from 3 mos.-4 mos.
But you know what? They are now 8 and 12 years old, and they are healthy, sporty boys with similar builds. People say they are on the thin side, but they are quite strong and muscular, and they are better built than either I or my husband was at the same age (we were both skinny, but sporty). The babyhood skinniness of the one and fatness of the other made no difference at all, within a general framework of good care (like you are giving your kids!).
With both kids I introduced an afternoon bottle of formula for both my boys at around age 5-6 months, and it gave me a much-needed break and the opportunity to have a good 6-hour-block of non-breastfeeding time in the afternoon, when I could either go out with the baby without worrying about breastfeeding in public, or take off for the afternoon and leave hubby in charge. I don’t think this does any harm! Mira is old enough now to stop depending on breastmilk so much, and have a variety of things.
I’m in a similar position myself right now. Supply going down, baby’s needs going up, and it’s surprising how upset I am that we’re going to have to start supplementing soon.
We’re all just trying to do the best we can for our kids. Please don’t beat yourself up for this!
i feel your pain. i am a mother of three girls, and my middle daughter was a nursing nightmare. i tried mightily to nurse her as i had done her older sister, but to no avail. she screamed and cried and woke up every three hours for FIVE months!
i did everything they told me to do to increase milk supply, except sleep of course. i simply could not satiate her. i was a walking chocolate mess. i never slept and i cried at the drop of a hat.
when she was almost six months old, i finally gave up and gave her a bottle…that night she slept like a baby, as did i.
the good news is number three loved nursing and was easy breezy. not a drop of formula passed her lips til she was nine months old, and she did not have her first solid, cereal, until she was five months old.
the kicker in all this…out of the three, my middle one weighed the least at birth – 8 1/2 lbs – and now at 14 she is the tallest – 5’11”. she has had antibiotics ONCE…the other two, unfortunately, i’ve lost track – ear infections, chronic bronchial issues, asthma, serious bladder/kidney issues. guess that formula really did the trick after all!
I think that one of the biggest curses associated with being a GOOD MOM is the constant worry that we’re not doing it right… That we’re “failing” somehow.
I’m thrilled that she’s happy and sleeping well! Now, enjoy it, and stop beating yourself up. 🙂
Love reading about your career and your two cute daughters, you know, Grandma’s sometime can give good advise.
Your post really got to me. It expresses how difficult it can be at times to be a mom. You shouldn’t feel bad about anything, you did what you thougth was right. And now you are doing what you need to to fix the problem. Here’s to doing whatever works!!!
I had the same problem with Chicky. I started giving her a bottle of formula a day at five months and, wow, what a turn around. Try (and I stress the try) not to beat yourself up too badly. It’s probably more common than you think.
I wonder what your pediatrician would say. After all, 6 to 8 months is not a huge growth time, and neither of my kids gained much at that time. Plus, I always had enough milk to supply a dairy (it would squirt out if they pulled off), but I never got more than an ounce from pumping. I just couldn’t let down for the pump.
My point? You may not have been starving her at all. Yes, she started sleeping better when you gave the bottle, but the two may be unrelated.
That said, I was quite the breastfeeder, but both of my kids started supplementing with formula at six months. And they still breastfed till 12 and 10.5 months, respectively. So, you are still giving her the antibodies, nutrition, and closeness of breastfeeding, but you are also doing what works best for the family.
Hurrah for you for finding that out, and silly on you for beating yourself up over trying to do something you thought was best for her at the time.
Don’t be so hard on yourself — babies are impossible to read at this age — so much is going on in their bodies, brains, and mouths…
Plus now it’s figured out. So celebrate and move forward knowing you’re a GOOD mom. : )
Tinker with the timeline a bit and I could have written this post. I feel like a failure, even though I know that is absolutely ridiculous and I would never think anyone else was a failure if they’d gone through this.
My doctor advised me to add scoops of formula into my dd’s baby food and keep breastfeeding without offerining bottles, I think in an attempt to build my supply back up. (I have no point in saying that except that it is something you could try in addition to what you are doing now, or instead, if you end up ditching the bottles. Because my supply has apparently never improved.)
Wow. You just made me realize that maybe I need to start supplementing my son. He is 8 months and has stopped gaining weight, wakes a lot at night and is a lot more fussy these days. Maybe he is hungry!?? Thank you.