A Mommy Story

It’s done.

Yesterday afternoon I did something that was, surprisingly, hard for me. I went back to work, where I met with my supervisor and handed over a crisp white envelope containing my letter of resignation.

I was due to come back to work next week. A little part of me knew deep down that it wasn’t going to happen, but the other larger percentage of my brain was still trying to leave the door open unless some miracle solution would appear to me like a burning bush.

It’s not that I wanted this job to be a career. It was only part-time, and I had my difficulties with some co-workers now and then. I was a student advisor, which was rewarding, but also meant I had to deal with a lot of obnoxious students who tried to work the system. It wasn’t what I had in mind when I graduated with a BA in History, and I’m currently back in school pursuing a nursing degree, so I knew I would never be there long.

But it was still hard. Damn hard. I nearly cried when handing over the letter, blubbering that I wish I could still work there, but circumstances being what they are, it’s not possible right now, blah, blah, blah.

There was no way it could work. Since losing the babysitting services of my friend, who charged a very low amount, I looked at other daycare options. But $1500 a month for three days a week is more than my salary, and even two days a week at $1000 would be my entire salary, making it pointless to leave both girls with someone else three days a week. I can make no money just as well from home as I can from working with the girls in daycare. Also, with the possibility of Cordy being diagnosed with a delay of some sort, I want to be available to get her any help she may need.

The truth is, I’m thrilled to be a stay at home mom. Thrilled that I will be able to continue breastfeeding without scheduling pumping sessions into my day. (And thankful, because so far Mira hates bottles.) Ecstatic that I get to be there every day as my second daughter grows and develops, instead of hearing what new trick she did at daycare.

I had planned to be a work at home mom when Cordy was born – at that point I had been working from home for four years – but then my former company cut telecommuting from its benefits while I was on maternity leave. Daycare had never been in my plan, but we were forced to find care quickly and leave infant Cordy there while we went into the office five days a week. I was miserable and depressed, which is why I sought out this part-time job I’m now leaving.

(Let me clarify at this point that I in no way see moms who work outside the home as bad moms. I just didn’t plan on working in an office when we decided to have kids, so it was a bit of a shock to me. I’m a big believer in “whatever works” parenting – whether for financial need or personal need. No SAHM-WOHM war here, OK?)

The other side of this is that I’m a little scared, too. It’s strange to not have a job to go to each week, or have an office as my home away from home. It’s frightening to realize our income is taking a serious hit and I will have to employ some drastic budget cutting strategies to make ends meet. There’s enough foreclosures in our neighborhood – I don’t want to be one of them. It’s also a little unnerving to have to think of something to do with the kids every. single. day. Oh, and have few chances at intelligent conversation with adults. I’ll miss that the most.

As I’ve said before, it’ll all work out somehow, and even though I’m very nervous about our finances, I’m grateful for the chance to be home with Mira and Cordy. And this change in status may give me the chance to find new work online – I’m already proud to be working for Family.com, and there’s always the possibility of finding other paid writing gigs.

If the past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I can’t fight the tidal wave of change that life sends my way – instead of being pulled under flailing and kicking, better to get on top of it and surf, baby, surf.

So here I am. A stay at home/work at home mom, arms outstretched and surfing along that wave.

*Translation: Work out of home mom, now stay at home mom/work at home mom