It’s the week before preschool starts, and you are taking your child to meet the teachers. As you get out of your car, you hear an awful wailing and screaming coming from another car in the parking lot. You look over and see a mother, positioned half inside the car, trying to put her toddler in a car seat. The toddler is flailing and screaming, most of which you can’t understand, but you do catch the words, “No, mommy, no!” several times.
You take your time getting out of your car and unbuckling your child while continuing to witness the drama. The toddler is screaming and crying hard: deep, primal screams that echo through the parking lot. When you look over at the car, you see the child is now on the floor of the backseat, with the mother bent over the child. You can’t see clearly enough to tell exactly what is going on. Is she hitting the child to cause such screams? The screaming continues, but during those brief moments when the toddler gasps for breath, you also hear a baby crying pitifully.
You take your child out of the car and start to walk to the preschool, looking back at the car. Now the toddler is half in the carseat, and the mother is trying to hold the screaming child in place, fighting off small hands and fighting the toddler’s back arching efforts while she tries to find the buckles. The screams are even more primal now, like a wounded animal.
This happened today at our preschool, and the entire scene lasted 25 minutes before the mother got her child buckled in and drove off. What would you do in this situation? Would you ignore it and let the mother handle it on her own? Would you come over and offer to help? Based on those screams, would you worry the mother is hurting her child and call the police or children’s services?
I’m curious to know, because today I was the mother, and that toddler was Cordy.
I was worried that going to school on a non-school day would be a mistake. When we arrived in her classroom, she threw herself down at the entrance and wouldn’t come in. She did eventually come in, about ten minutes later, and we stayed for a half hour. During that half hour, she had a few moments where she threw herself to the ground because something didn’t go her way.
I gave her ample warning that we would be leaving, but when it came time to leave, she again threw herself on the ground and demanded to go to the playground. I explained that the preschool playground was closed right now, but that we could go to another playground instead. This didn’t work, though, and she screamed and sat down when it was time to leave.
The director agreed to keep an eye on her while I took Mira and the paperwork I was carrying out to the car. (Don’t worry, I started the car at this point to keep Mira cool.) I came back and scooped up Cordy, who had calmed down by this point. But as we got closer to the car, she became frenzied and started fighting me while I held her.
Much of what happened next was described above. I don’t quite understand what set her off, but she was like a wild animal at that point. That car seat was a seat covered in thorns to her, and her tantrum to stay out of the seat was one of the worst I’ve seen yet. Once she writhed and thrashed her way to the floor of the car, I then had to try to restrain her, as she was trying to throw herself into the center console and bash her head on anything solid. Mira had started crying at this point, too, because the car was still parked and how dare I put her there without getting that car moving?
Cordy continued to be dead weight when it came to lifting, and active resistance once I did lift her to the height of the seat. I did have to push against her midsection to force her back in the seat while trying to pull the straps around arms that were working to pull those straps off. 25 minutes into the battle, I finally won and we left.
However, during this entire scene, I noticed the other parents around me. There were a lot of parents coming and going, and many took notice of our little domestic problem. One dad even stayed in his car for awhile, carefully watching what I was doing, before taking his girls into the preschool. When I finally had her buckled in, I looked up to see a group of parents standing on the sidewalk, talking in hushed tones and all watching me.
The weight of the stares these parents sent my way was heavy. Hard, disapproving stares, as if to say, What are you doing to that child? and Can’t you control your own kid? with a little bit of That poor child – what an awful mother! thrown in, too. One parent looked right at me, arms crossed, and shook her head with a grimace. I noticed one parent calling someone, too, and I immediately thought: he’s calling the police or child services. They think I’m an unfit parent, and that I’m hurting my child.
No one has shown up at my door yet, so they may not have called anyone. At the same time, however, not one of these disapproving parents bothered to ask me if everything was OK, or if I needed any help. I could feel their judgment on my back, but at the same time, they knew nothing about us. They don’t know that this is almost routine for us. Had I pulled her out of the car and let her go back into the school, the second try would have ended the same way. Had I waited for her to calm down, we could still be there right now. I had tried bribes and threats early on in the game – neither worked.
And none of them got close enough to really see how I was handling it. Did I yell at any point? No, I continued to talk quietly to her. Did I hit her? No. Did I want to? Hell yes, but I didn’t. Does she have a single mark on her? No. But look at my arms and you’ll see bruises and a bite mark from her.
I held it together the entire way home, even though Cordy continued her possessed screaming. I talked quietly and gently to her in an attempt to calm her down. Once home, I brought everyone inside, closed the door, and broke down crying, hot, angry tears streaming down my face as I collapsed on the couch.
It’s too much sometimes. I know Cordy’s behavior isn’t typical, but the average passerby doesn’t know that, and so I’m immediately judged as a bad parent when I can’t contain a meltdown. I can’t hide my family in our house forever – we have to go out in public, but each time I live in fear of more episodes like this. I’m so tired of looking like the bad parent, when I try so hard to do the right thing.
The funny thing is, a few years ago I probably would have been one of those people who looked at that situation and wondered what the hell was wrong with that mother. Those screams would have led me to believe that child was being hurt. Amazing how a role reversal can change your perspective.
Now I sit here, completely out of energy with aching muscles (she’s amazingly strong when she wants to be!), while Cordy bounces around the room happily and asks me for juice. It’s as if she doesn’t even remember what happened earlier.
I can’t explain to her why mommy is sad. Why I cry and tell myself I can’t do this anymore. Why I wish that just once – just once, dammit! – she could have a good day, free of meltdowns. Why I feel like I want to run away from being a parent, because it’s so hard on these days when there is no reward, tangible or otherwise, in what you do – only struggle and judgment.
Sometimes I worry I’m not cut out for this.
Edited to add: Elizabeth asked a great question I didn’t address: What would I want these other parents to do? In my case, I think I would have rather had them go about their business without the disapproving stares and congregating to watch, or if they felt something was wrong, a simple “Do you need a hand?” or an understanding “Those toddlers sure are tough, aren’t they?” would have been welcomed. In other words, showing me they understood or at least weren’t judging me.
I’ve also learned you never know if a child you see in public has special needs that makes them act out more. Often the parents are doing the best they can, so I try to ignore it or offer a sympathetic smile.
First of all I wanted to say man! You have earned my respect. And I really don’t think you should beat yourself up (if you can help it) for thinking you are not cut out for this – it sounds like you are doing the most amazing job. I have a six month old so I haven’t really experienced any meltdowns yet but I really don’t think I would have been handle this as well as you did. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
My question would be…for my own information…what would YOU have wanted passerbys/other parents in the parking lot to do? Would you have wanted them to ask if you needed help? I think in those situations I am sometimes afraid of stepping in because I might offend someone or they may prefer to be left alone.
Hope things begin to look up soon.
Oh, Christina. *hugs*
You are cut out for this. It sounds like you handled it with patience and love, and that’s all you could have done.
I agree with Metro Mama. You ARE cut out for this, otherwise you would have given in to that totally understandable temptation to hit or yell. (And plenty of good parents have done just that too.)
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Delurking to say – you are doing fine. I’m a new mom to 4-month-old twins and I hope I will be able to keep it together as well as you do. I will remember this the next time I hear a meltdown in the grocery store.
I believe that Dawson has more temper tantrums than normal at his age. Some of them are outrageous screaming, kicking, fighting tantrums like the one you experienced today.
In each situation, I’ve resulted to cheerfully talking my way through them. It pisses him off even more, but it makes me realize the thing will end and more energy is used if I’m fighting back and feeling the pressure of people looking at me.
I wasn’t always like this though, I used to freak out and feel ashamed when people would stare. I used to feel like the bad mom. I used to panic if anyone looked at me, suggesting I was parenting badly.
Now I don’t care — because until these people experience what I went through, (and what YOU went through) it’s pointless for me to worry about it. I know what I did was right, feck everyone else.
It’s easier said than done, and it took me several tries to stop caring about what someone else was thinking. I know you can get through this. I’ll be here to support you!
i was you 10 yrs ago…..it was nightmarish to do the tantrums 6-7 times a day. i too, had bruises,cuts and bites. amandas episodes started at 18 mos and lasted till almost 5. she then was grown enough to talk to about feelings and to rationalize with to a small extent.she had issues in first grade that would take me an hour to type out.email me at [email protected] if you would like some tips that i used.
btw, no one ever stopped to help me either!
Hugs to you… I’m sorry you have to go through it. I UNDERSTAND. The looks, the whispering… I actually have had people offer to help and you know what? I hate it. I’d rather have a smile of encouragement and then move on your way, please, because I’m trying my hardest to hold it all together here, thanks.
I remember once, Justin was 5, it was about 100 out, and we were at a fair thing. Justin flipped over SOMEthing, and I had the rest of our families go onto the food area until he calmed down. Being that he was too big for me to carry, kicking and screaming, I forced him to sit on the curb by the portapotties, and took about 5 steps away so I could pretend he wasn’t mine, and turned my back a tiny bit so he couldn’t see me watching him (watching and acknowledging the fits always ALWAYS makes them last longer for Justin). About 20 people stopped and asked him if he was lost as he was SCREAMING Mommy! Mommy!! at the top of his lungs. It’s kind of hard to explain that I’m his mom, he’s ok, please move along…
Anyway. It DOES get better. Slowly, unfortunately, but it does. You did what you needed to do. Going back in would have told her that fits can get you what you want. She just takes longer than most kids to settle down.
Hang in there…
((((HUGS)))) Your post has really touched me – enough to comment even and offer you a cyber hug – something I harly EVER do.
I would not have known how to handle the situation if I were a passer-by. Now if I see something like that I will do just as you said – and if nothing else offer a reassuring smile.
Hang in there, hun. You are doing such a good job. You are better then you know.
I think you’re amazing and that Cordy is a lucky girl (Mira too). And if those parents judge you, then they are horrible, if they send someone after you, that authority will quickly learn that you are a good parent.
*hugs* I feel your pain. But i can’t make any suggestions that work…since they don’t always work for us. The time spent trying to chase a toddler around the inside on the mini-van and just giving up and sitting there til he eventually gets in the seat.
I do however feel it is okay to tell your child how you feel about it. Let her know that it hurts Mommy’s feelings and makes Mommy have a bad time when she acts like she does. There is nothing wrong with a kid knowing your feelings. Sometimes if we don’t express it, they won’t understand when they feel the same way.
Hopefully soon a meltdown free day will come. One can only imagine that she won’t be doing this in college… til then… have a martini! or a fake one at that.
Be proud you do a LOT of your kiddos!
Listen, sometimes it’s the moms that need to cry it out. It’s ok sister, you’re doing good.
There have been two or three times that I have been in that identical situation at daycare. Something happened (we didn’t stop at the right water fountain, or some such thing) that sets my son off. I have struggled to get him in his carseat in these situations. I would expect passersby to mind their own business, as there is no hitting or yelling coming from the parent. As a matter of fact, I would be quite annoyed if a stranger interfered.
Shame on those people for their judgement. We have all been there at one time or another. If they think that their children are “above” giving them a hard time, just wait until they are teenagers… Then you can shoot them judgemental looks!
I’ve seen situations like this when taking Princess to day care. What have I done?
Most of the time I trust the parent to be doing the right thing and go about my business.
One time when it was a mom I recognized from my daughter’s class I asked the mom if there was anything I could do. After she said “thanks, but no. I’ll get her in eventually” with a very tired look on her face I said “Hi” to the child and went on my way. Having another adult say “Hi” was enough to stun the child into shy submission.
Hang in there!
As a ole grandma;-) I would have asked you if you were ok and agreed with you that toddlers can be a bitch and half at times.
Back in the day we would have given our toddler a smack across the legs. Glad some things change.
Once in a blue moon my 2 year old does the back arching, screaming, not wanting into the car seat. I end up in a sweat yelling, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way but one way or another you are getting buckled in! I can’t believe you didn’t yell at all. I’m sorry this is the norm for you. Hopefully once therapy starts, things will get a bit easier.
I’m so sorry. I know that my situation is different, but it hurts when people are staring at you, no GLARING/SHUNNING/QUESTIONING you. It hurts.
I’m shocked, especially when people who have children themselves, don’t offer that “I’ve been there” smile.
Hugs to you.
Ugh. I feel your pain. Zoe has done that quite a few times. I hate dealing with it. I feel like I’m torturing her as I force her into that car seat. And it’s horrible that the worst part of it is feeling that other people are judging you.
You don’t know me, but I just wanted to say that I would have been one of the moms to offer a sympathetic smile, and go about my business. You’re doing a great job, whether you feel like it or not.
I am not a mom. I have no idea what it is like to be a mom. Your writing today made my heart ache for you. You are doing the best you can and those other people be damned. You love your daughter, you are doing what you can and more. One day Cordy will learn to cope with this and your reward will be sweet. You can do this. You are a mother. A GOOD mother. You CAN do this.
It must be so difficult for you, and I’m sorry about that.
I will be honest and tell you that I’ve seen this a few times in my life, and personally, I tend to feel bad for the parent instead of judge harshly. And I always offer my assistance, even though most of the time the parent(usually a mother, gotta say) says thanks and moves along.
Big hugs to you.
Hugs. I love ya, woman.
Paige has meltdowns too, but nothing compared to what you go through. She will falail and kick if you try to force her into doing something she doesn’t want to, but it is usually short lived and usually only happens when she is tired. I lose my patience with her though. I have been known to walk out of her room and shut the door leaving her to cry on her bed simply because nothing I have tried has worked and I don’t know what else to do.
I have an amazing amount of respect for you and the patience and compassion you show with Cordy. I could have gotten through that without hitting (I never hit), but I am sure I would have yelled… you ARE cut out for this, and you are Cordy’s Mom for a reason.
The “crowd”? Screw em. They are small people, with small judgements, based on a small amount of information. Don’t let that get to you. In my infinite sarcasm I probably would have taken a bow before getting into the car……. jerks.
Cripes Christina. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine — we’ve had a few public tantrums and it just plain sucks. More for the mom.
I’d probably keep walking and let the parent deal. Unless I saw you physically beating her, then I’d do some Karate’ on you 🙂
But really, it will hopefully get a bit easier when she can verbalize a bit better about what’s going on. I’ve found since Q can tell me what’s going on, there’s a bit more of a handle — still tantrums, but a quicker resolution.
{{Hugs to you}} I feel your pain. You don’t know me… and I don’t know you very well as I’ve just recently found your blog. It sounds like you did everything you could do… be proud and try not to beat yourself up! You’re doing a GREAT job… I know I lose my patience sometimes and yell (more times than I’d like), kudos to you for keeping your cool. Kids are tough and they work hard to get what they want, even if they don’t even know what they want. You have earned my respect… and you probably earned the respect of many of those witnesses. I’ve been in similar situations with my dear son. Public tantrums SUCK. To help me get through it, I always try to avoid conversation with witnesses by tossing an “I’m fine, they’re fine, leave us be” smile and pass quickly by. I just tell myself that they aren’t judging me and that they all have gone through the same situation, whether they’ll admit it or not (as long as they have kids, that is). Just don’t let “them” get to you, it’s bad enough your child is getting to you. When I am a witness, I offer a smile and go on my way since that’s what I prefer.
Hang in there… and keep up the good work!
what a tough day for you. i’m so sorry it went down the way it did, but it happens to the best of us…truly.
in all honesty, i’m pretty sure i’ve unwittingly been That Mom to stop and stare at the scene of a Car Seat Tantrum. but not out of any sort of malice, mostly because i’m so conflicted in my own head as to what to do. i want to offer a hand, but i certainly don’t want to offend or step on another mother’s toes.
i’ve felt those angry tears, i know how you’re feeling. i hope tomorrow is a new day for you and for cordy. hang in there.
Thanks for your honesty about parenting! I have only had a couple instances like this but they were horrible & made me not just feel like a bad parent – it also made me want to not be around my kid! One time I couldn’t even look at him without crying for hours afterwards. Other mothers need to read this stuff to know they’re not alone. We’re all doing our best!
Oh Christina! I am so sorry this happened. When Ashley goes into that mode I often close the door and take a deep breath so I can get myself together. I am not sure if that is possible.
I don’t have the answers other than I feel you pain.
I am so sorry about your day. I know this scenario. I know it very well. My son is almost 10 now. He has been diagnosed with Asperger’s, but when he was Cordy’s age, we were told it was Sensory Processing Disorder. I know the fits. I know the stares. I know the tears.
I know the feeling of wanting to run away because parenting is hard…and has no rewards…and just plain sucks. I know…and I’m sorry. I also know that the way you handled it tells me you are a great mom to your kids. The best you can be. Better than many will ever have to be.
“while Cordy bounces around the room happily and asks me for juice. It’s as if she doesn’t even remember what happened earlier.”
This was my son exactly.
This post brought it all flooding back to me. I know you don’t know me, but if you ever need to email someone….someone who has been there…you can email me anytime.
Sending cyberhugs your way. It’s so hard to be in those types of situations anytime…let alone finding yourself with a group of judgmental lookieloos. Screw ’em.
I love what Jenifer said: you are Cordy’s mom because you somehow find the patience to deal with the meltdown without losing it. There are truly very few who can do that.
So you broke down when it was over…don’t beat yourself up over that either. I think it is normal to fall apart after going through such a harrowing situation.
I have witnessed situations like that a few times and I do think it is best to not approach the parent. They have their hands full and if they’ve noticed that others are staring they probably feel mortified. If I do make eye contact with the parent I always give them a smile of empathy and if I’m close enough to speak to them I try to offer a few words of encouragement. I try not to judge because I’ve been there a time or ten myself when my kids were little and they were trying to exert their independence, were overly tired or just plain having a tantrum. I know how it feels and I would never want to add to that parents heavy heart.
Here’s to better days~
My 3 year old does this same thing ALOT. At 2 years old we simply could not get him from banging his head on the ground. He no longer bangs his head but now he screams like someone is trying to kill him. I so know what you are going through.
Sometimes I feel like something is wrong but then other times he is fine and he has a great vocabulary so I don’t know.
Hugs to you! You’re a good mom.
I don’t have any advice. But I would like to smack the looks off of those parents for you. Or, at the very least, wish upon them a similar public tantrum from their obviously perfect children. I hate when parents act as though their kid has never thrown a fit. Ever. Even in private.
*hugs*
It would never cross my mind to suppose that there was a parenting problem in a situation where there is so obvious a cause – like buckling a child into a carseat. Lots of children have carseat meltdowns, and bystanders who think otherwise are dreaming.
Now that Pie is 2, I find myself constantly struck by how many meltdowns are averted by the fact that she can so readily ask for what she wants. How many times did Bub melt down because he didn’t have the words – or couldn’t access them when he needed them? Sometimes there is a simple solution to a meltdown – but there’s no way to know what it is because the child can’t say.
((((Hugs))))
I think we’ve all been there and those that haven’t will be someday. I’ve been the passerby that stares in the hopes that the mom will look at me and i would smile and say something like – “thought it was just mine that did that!” I think its a way for the child to express his/her feelings and they are coming to the age where they think they know whats right for them. She’ll come around – mine did 🙂
BTW – you are a fantastic mother from what I’ve read so don’t be so hard on yourself 🙂 🙂 *hugs*
sady I wonder if i would have been able to not yell or spank my child if he did that. Your post makes me think long and hard about the way I may have looked at some moms in the past, and how I could carefully possibly help in the future. I’m sorry you went through that!
Oh dear, how awful. It’s so hard to know what to do when you’re the by-stander. I would hope I wouldn’t be one of those standing and staring and passing judgment. I would also hope that if I noticed this for more than a few minutes, I would have gone to ask if the woman needed any help. Unless I’d specifically seen hitting by the mother, I know I wouldn’t have called the police.
It’s stories like yours, and like those of so many other mothers, that have made me a lot more tolerant when I see a kid acting out somewhere.
{{hugs}} to you – I don’t have any wonderful suggestions. I really wish I did.
As you know, I’ve been in your shoes more than a few times. I’ve even created categories of “parental impact” and “social perception” on my blog because of it.
If I am the observer, sometimes I’ll go up to the tantruming child, make a funny face, and say something like, “Hey gorgeous/handsome, you’re a lot cuter if you aren’t crying. Give your mama a break!” and smile huge at them, with a wink at their mom.
When I am the one attempting to calm the meltdown, I prefer upbeat greetings (as though nothing is wrong) rather than a psuedo-commiserating comment. “Do you need help?” implies I can’t handle it, so I much prefer when someone smiles at me rather than saying, “Wow, you must really work hard,” or anything that may be well-meaning but ends up hurting more.
Of course, “What a brat!” “Huh, difficult kid,” or “Why don’t you just…” are all the wrong things to say.
This sounds very familiar. Once (and diety-of-your-choice bless you for having the strength to deal with this every day, you strong, strong woman) I made the mistake of taking Sweet Pea to the grocery store at what should have been naptime, and she flipped out in the grocery store and every step of the rest of the trip was met with primal screaming resistance. It took forever to get her out of the grocery cart once I’d gotten the groceries out, and then we went through the car seat scene you described.
I did, however, scream my head off at her, and at one point noticed a woman who had parked nearby standing right next to my car and looking in the passenger window, I assume to make sure I was not beating my child.
I was convinced that even though I had not (and would never, duh) harmed Sweet Pea, that woman must have called CPS and given them my license plate number and they were going to show up at my door any minute.
At one point after that episode, in fear of something like that happening again, I explained about CPS to Sweet Pea and told her that there are people who could take her away from me if they thought I was treating her badly, and that fits in public like that can make people think that I’m treating her badly. I fully recognized how young she was but she did seem to understand a bit, because the last thing she wants in the world is to be taken away from me. Anyway, I know that won’t work with Cordy right now, but like someone said above, there’s nothing wrong with telling them about your feelings and possible consequences, because at some point it sinks in to a degree and who knows what will be the thing that helps her understand?
I am shocked that there was a group of parents staring disapprovingly. That is horrible. I think that I probably would have walked on my way, not being able to offer any help with two children of my own, but you really would think that other parents would understand, at the very least. In my situation I think that someone asking if I needed help might have kept me calm enough to not get to the yelling stage, or to come out of it if I had already started. Sometimes a distraction like that could probably help the parent by switching their focus to another person for a moment, even if the child continues her/his tantrum.
I know exactly what your going through. My firstborn is a very spirited child and temper tantrums like this happened often. I also got all those looks from other parents which would stress me out even more. Once at a book store during story time I completely lost my mind and yelled at a mom who was giving me the look as my child was having the mother of all meltdowns. I must have looked like a crazed woman when I yelled, “What are you looking at?” Not one of my finer moments but I had 3 children under 3 1/2 and I was stressed. I needed compassion. I needed moms to either give me a sympathetic, reassuring look or to pretend that they don’t notice. It certainly has taught me to have more compassion for other moms. I give a sympathetic smile, tell the mom I understand what she’s going through or I go about my business like I don’t notice. Parenting is hard enough without being judged.I’m at the point now that I don’t even care anymore what other people think when they witness my kids having a tantrum. That’s what kids do until they are better able to express themselves. With 4 kids I guess I’ve been around the block enough.
Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I have a 3 year old daughter and I have been through that exact scenario once or twice myself. It is so hard, especially when you know those other parents are standing around judging you. hugs to you mama…from someone who can empathize!
I love your blog, by the way. I added yours to my page as one of my faves!
That is an interesting question, what would I do? I
know that I would live to say that I would be the one to step forward and help, or give the sympathetic smile but in truth I don’t know if I would. I think fear would stop all my good intentions.
What if she doesn’t want help? what if she is really hurting that child? What if my child does that tomorrow?
I think all of this questions and fears would parallelize me into inaction rather than action and I would be stood watching with the other mothers, not because I am judging and hating you but because I don’t know what else to do.
i’m sorry you had that day…and i’m sorry people don’t understand, we tend to be pretty judgemental don’t we? just take a deep breath and remind yourself that your a great mom, and they don’t know what it is going on, if noone wants to ask or help then it isn’t your problem!
Oh do I feel your pain. I had to practically drag my youngest into kindergarten everyday, him kicking, screaming, dropping his full weight to the ground, screaming NO MOMMY NO!!! amongst the stares of uncaring and judgemental parents. If I would have given in and let him go back home then he would have never went to school. When I think about those days, I cringe and am glad they are over. The good thing is, it will all work out in the end. You are doing a great job with her.
I’m sorry that was such a rough day. You are a strong lady.
By sharing, you’re already changing the world. It’s by reading these and other stories (besides having a toddler of my own) that makes me a less judging person every day. Before I had Q, I would have frowned and wondered what the heck was going on. Now, I give a friendly smile and try to offer help if it seems like it’d be well received.
Before I had kids, I was a judgmental bitch. I had no idea. Now I know, and I don’t say anything – when I have, it has come back to haunt me. At the heart of it, it’s bad form to talk/think s**t about anyone, because I don’t know anything about the circumstances or the other person’s perspective. It can be distracting to imagine why a person might do something, but most of the time I’m probably wrong, so I don’t even bother.
Sometimes we all think we are not cut out for this!!! ((((hugs))) Sorry it was your turn to be “that mom”. It sure gives you greater sympathy for other moms at their “moments”, doesn’t it?
Christina, I just want to echo others who have encouraged you to continue sharing these stories because it helps make all of us better parents and better people, less likely to judge and more likely to lend encouragement or a helping hand.
Such good questions – what would I have done, and what would I want other people to do? I think I would have watched for a mooment, just to know what was going on, and then offered a smile of commiseration, maybe a friendly comment if it seemed appropriate. I think that is what I would want someone to offer me, if I were in your situation.
I hope that maybe at least a few of those other parents were watching and talking about whether they should offer you any help. You were there, so you know what the vibe was, it just reminds me of how sometimes it’s the kid who sat through the whole semester with a “You’re full of shit” look on his face who turns out to love the class best. I hope some such facial misrepresentation was going on for some!
I think you handled it so well, the whole situation, including letting yourself “cry it out” too and be honest about your feelings. Ultimately, you are setting the best possible example for Cordy and I believe one day she will indeed surprise you with a good day.
Girl you are such a great mommy! I would not have made it home! And the fact that you didn’t just igve in and go back in … that is the mom that isn’t cut out for it~ You are a wonderful! Hang in there and HUGS to you!
Oh sweetie…I wish I was closer so I could hug you and tell you how wonderful a job you’re doing. You DO know you are, right?
I have a friend, Sassy, with a special needs child who was (and sometimes still is) how Cordy was today. I’ll have her stop by and see if she can offer some advice or encouraging words, but if ever you just want to vent, call me. Seriously – this isn’t just a flippant call me, it’s a call me whenever you want – I mean it.
xoxo
I absolutely know and feel what you are going through. My son is now 11 BUT I still deal with this all the time. If you’d like to chat, I’m here and would love to get to know you. I can tell you, it’s very lonely sometimes being the mom of a special needs child. I have 3 other children (2 grown and one younger) and they’re all “normal” for a lack of a better word, although I HATE saying that phrase, ‘oh here are my NORMAL children and here is my ‘ABNORMAL?’ child? Like do people think that parents of a child/ren with special needs love them less? Ummm no. Sucks, just sucks sometimes the way people judge others. Since having Ryan, I NEVER judge a parent for their situation out in public. I mean, how do I know what that person deals with on a daily basis? Maybe their child is autistic, mentally delayed, have an anxiety disorder…there could be a million things that someone is dealing with. Anyway, raising kids is hard and raising a child with special challenges is well, CHALLENGING to say the least. Seriously, I could write a book (and am actually…lol) on this and could fill up your comments section about what I’ve dealt with. You’ll have my email from my comment, so please, honestly, let’s talk. It might make you feel better AND me too, since I still live it every.single.day. Sassy xo
PS, I’m the Sassy that Karen posted about
Oh shit, I’m sorry. The way you tell it (and knowing you) I can absolutely hear your calm voice and see your steady presence even in the face of all the mayhem.
I also remember being the person who would have rolled my eyes – BEFORE I HAD KIDS. Now, it’s nothing but sympathetic glances. I’m pissed at those bystanders for you. Seriously pissed.
I would have tried to help you.
Thinking of you.
I’m disheartened by your post. How awful for you. What would I have done? I’ve been a preschool teacher for 10 years and for the last two, I’ve taught kindergarten. Over that time I’ve had 10 students who fell into they sensory integration/autism spectrum, so I would have asked you if you needed help and then abided by what you requested.
After some hands-on experience with children who are need some special considerations, I never ever assume that a screaming kid is being mistreated. In public I often will hang around a bit and see if I can offer assistance or just go up and ask.
In my former preschool, a teacher or the director would have come out to the parking lot to see if we could help you out. I’ve held younger sibs while the preschooler had a meltdown about carseats or the wind blowing the wrong way or just the general unfairness of life. I’ve carried tantruming, screaming preschoolers to the car for overwhelmed and frustrated moms and then stayed to buckle them in. I’ve hugged crying moms in parking lots and hallways and in IEP meetings.
Being a parent is a tough job. I’ve got three kids of my own. No one walks up to you in the store and says “Hey. I like how you handled that tantrum. Great job!” but they should. I try to, if I think it won’t creep the mom out.
You did handle it well. You’re doing a good job. It’s tough enough to parent but when you add in a kid who reacts to things differently from the majority of other kids their age…it’s super hard and very lonely feeling.
I’d add more but I don’t want to seem stalker-y. As a teacher, I try so hard to affirm the good parenting I see and support all the parents I come in contact with. Some day those disapproving parents will have a kid melt down in public and they’ll get a little taste of what you went through, and they’ll be more sympathetic. I hope.
I go through this with theBeast all the time. Gosh, I would hope that no one would call child protective services on me! I’ve even given her little swats on her legs. It’s the only way to get her to sit in her seat sometimes. I understand some people don’t approve of that, but it works, and it’s easier than breaking her little body down to get her to bend and sit! It is embarrassing though. I would prefer people to just keep moving and act like they don’t see anything.
Wow. I must tell you I am all teary eyed here, reading all the supportive posts.
Your post brought me back about 21 years and oh my God how I wish I had blogging and this avenue to vent my feelings.
Keep talking about it and sharing. Not having an outlet made it so hard all those years ago, hearing comments about how my child just wouldn’t behave.. – having this support now, even after the fact, has to make it easier to go out there and steel yourself when the next episode occurs.
Cordy is lucky to have you and those other judgmental parents be damned. They just don’t know!
I just read this on Babycenter and I think it’s worth a try. It may not stop all the car tantrums but it may stop many of them.
“While this may not sound like a discipline strategy, just wait: If you’ve taught your child to be cooperative, you can call on this quality when you need it. For example, giving your toddler a “job” to do can defuse some of the most common tantrum-provoking situations. Kathryn Kvols put this to use when her son, Tyler, refused to get into his car seat. She made him “boss of the seatbelts” — he had to make sure everyone in the car was buckled in before the driver could start the car. The battle over the car seat was over.”
My 2 year old had a huge meltdown on the sidewalk right in front of the door to a store this week. Most people just looked and stared, with what felt like dirty looks. I really appreciated the one mom who came up and offered support — she simply said that she has been there before herself and congratulated me on remaining calm in the situation. It helped. Thank you for your kindness. I hope I remember to pay it forward in the future.
I have been there. We got to the point with ours son’s tantrums (and not really knowing triggers) that we stopped going in public, and we had a signal to tell the other when it was time to leave something because we could tell sensory overload was coming. Once we got a diagnosis, I started carrying around little business cards from Autism Link http://www.autismlink.com/store/index.php?action=item&id=9&prevaction=category&previd=featured&prevstart=
that I give to people who hand out those disapproving stares and head shakes the “what a bad mother” comment written all over their face. Once our son was actually have a “good” day and we took him to dinner at Ponderosa and another patron said to us “That’s why they make babysitters.” I was stunned (we thought he was behaving rather well…) After that I started carrying the cards everywhere we went.
I’ve been in that situation, struggling to get Noah in to the car seat while he screams bloody murder.
Once he had a melt down at the zoo and we had to restrain him by holding him (legs and arms wrapped around him) so he wouldn’t hurt us or himself. So many people stood and watched us. Not one asked if they could help or acted sympathetic. By the end I was in tears.
Noah is 4 1/2 now, so lately when I cry he wants to know why. It does have an impact on him. But I’m not sure at Cordy’s age that it would have.
We have a diagnoses, but it doesn’t really mean much to people so not very helpful in this situation. Sometimes I’ve just said he has special needs and that we just have to keep him safe until his meltdown is over. Really though, I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain.
Now when I see another parent going through that I give a sympathetic smile and if I think it is appropriate I say something like “I’ve been there, you are doing a great job.”
You are doing a great job too! With Noah it has gotten easier as he’s matured and we have treated his ADHD (he has SPD as well) with medication. For the first time since he was 18 months we feel fairly comfortable taking him out in public where he isn’t restrained in a stroller or cart, etc.