I was a bundle of nerves this morning, with Cordy’s evaluation looming in the distance of the afternoon. The house needed cleaning, so as to fool our visitor into thinking we’re actually a normal family who has time to keep the house clean and orderly. I spent way too much time picking out the right outfit for Cordy to wear – did I really think her outfit would make a difference?
However, little was accomplished in the morning, mostly because of a certain nine week old who has her second cold (two colds! nine weeks old!) and only wanted to be held by mommy all day long. I started to panic as I sat surrounded by heaps of clutter: DVDs haphazardly strewn around the TV, puzzle pieces perfectly lined up in a row, but blocking the hallway, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse figures stacked carefully in the back of a toy dump truck on some sort of construction sight-seeing tour. Whenever I’d scoop up a small handful of toys, Cordy would follow behind me, pulling out more. She’s good at that.
My mother showed up at lunchtime, convincing Cordy to join her for lunch in order to give me more time to clean. Finally, the house was at least decent, although still not presentable. Oh well, the evaluator would know we’re cluttered, but at least there’s no grime.
She appeared promptly at 2:30, folder and pen in hand. Cordy had been acting pretty good all day, making me worry that her act might fool the woman into thinking she was a perfectly normal child. Please be your normal self, I thought.
The evaluation ended up being mostly a paperwork session, with a little bit of observation. As soon as Cordy warmed up to the new visitor, she did act more like herself. Shrieking, climbing all over me, melting down because I wouldn’t give her more juice while answering the evaluator’s questions, galloping back and forth the length of the living room, etc. We went over what happened during her screening session, too.
Then the questions started. Of course they’re the standard questions, asked of everyone, but my paranoid mind read other meanings into them.
Does anyone in your family have vision or hearing problems? Can we blame her problems on lousy genetics?
What was her birth like? Did you drop her on her head?
What does she eat? Are you some kind of Britney Spears, stunting her development with soda in sippy cups and candy bars?
What’s your education background? Are you too dumb to raise your kid correctly?
Has she seen a dentist? Surely you can convince your child to sit still for a scary man with sharp instruments, right? No?
How much does she sleep? You really are giving her caffeine, aren’t you?
What does your pediatrician say about her physical development? You do have a doctor, right?
Can she name a friend? Or do you keep her locked up in a dark room by herself?
Has she had all of her vaccinations? Or are you one of those hippie no-vax types?
What does your family do for fun? Be honest – you really do drink soda and watch TV all day long, don’t you?
OK, so I know the evaluator wasn’t trying to say I was a bad parent in any way. They’re standard questions, necessary to get the entire picture of Cordy’s health. But I still worried that a “wrong” answer would hurt us somehow.
The result is she is being referred to the city school district for a full five-part evaluation. In our county, the Help Me Grow program ends at three years old, and the school district picks it up from there. Cordy will be three in September, and the evaluator believes that it would be wasting time to not get her into the school district evaluation as soon as possible.
While she isn’t committing to a diagnosis at this point, she does believe that Cordy has a sensory disorder of some sort, and she thinks it is likely the school district will put together an IEP for her, giving her access to the district’s preschool and free therapy. Hearing that was both crushing and a relief at the same time. No one wants to think that their child is anything but perfect, but at the same time, it’s good to know that there are people out there to help Cordy adjust to the world around her. Still, it’s hard to shake the blame game, wondering what I could have done differently to avoid this.
And all was not bad, either. Again I was told that she is very bright. (I keep coming back to that over and over again. It’s the one thing I can be proud of.) The evaluator made a point of telling me that many times gifted children show sensory integration problems. Since I’m unable to not brag about my child, we showed her pictures of Cordy putting Diet Coke cans in order when she was just over a year old, and she also watched the video of Cordy counting to six (although in that clip she misses the number four) at seventeen months old. She is also amazed at how Cordy sees the world in shapes, looking at normal objects and being excited about triangles, rectangles and circles.
Before she left, the evaluator again assured me that Cordy is bright (see? I keep holding onto those words!), she has a great vocabulary, and she seems happy. The problems lie in transitions, certain self-help skills, and a long list of possible sensory issues. All of these problems are treatable, and don’t involve turning her into someone she’s not. Which is good, because I’m not wanting a good little conformist, but I do want a child who can handle hearing a vacuum cleaner or touching applesauce without turning into a screaming, frenzied beast that I am unable to console. The evaluator asked what we would like to change about Cordy’s behavior. I said I want to be able to spend a day out together and have a truly good day – the type of good day any average parent and child can have – and not just a good day for her.
And in the meantime, we go on with life as normal – drinking watered down juice in sippy cups (not soda), sorting poker chips into piles and then lining them up (why do I bother buying her toys?), and watching TV. (If Yo Gabba Gabba doesn’t launch soon, she may take over my computer to watch the video clips online all day. PR reps, I’d gladly take a DVD of that!) And for now we try to avoid her meltdown triggers, and try to comfort her as best we can through each difficult transition, looking forward to a day when we won’t need to worry about such things.
Well hooray that all went well, it sounds like, and you’ve got things in the works for her. I remember that video of her sorting the coke cans! ha ha! Good luck with the school district – I’ve heard that the schools have great programs for kids who need them, and the trick is for the parents to somehow find out about the programs. So good on you for knowing already!
also be proud that she knows you love her and that you are doing everything in your power to help her…and that she’s very, very bright (nice counting!)
I don’t doubt at all that she is a very bright child – but you have SO MUCH to be proud of her for!
And be proud of yourself too mama. You done good.
You are a great mom for getting her evaluated and getting into whatever program that will help her.
Our oldest was diagnosed with ADD at six and now, at twelve, no longer exhibits any of the symptoms. We didn’t medicate, but went through many long years of behavior modification, pulling our hair out, and dealing with judgmental teachers.
Worth it.
Those are all standard questions. Annoying, horrific, aggravating, demeaning standard questions!
But of course, it doesn’t make the frustration go away. I know that.
I’m actually shocked that you got an evaluation so quickly. Mine was a series of paperwork jumps before I could get someone who had any idea what ASD/ADHD/NLD/SID actually meant. My initial caseworker didn’t even speak English well: “How you spell ‘tot’?”
I soooo feel your confusion over a diagnosis. But I wish someone had pushed me to having him tested waaaay earlier. It’s even LESS fun having an 8 year old that people look at and STILL say “Why can’t you control your son?” And it’s so awesome that nowadays we actually HAVE programs to help kids that need the help. (And I know exactly what it feels like to wonder if that FUN DAY you planned will just end up being centered around my son, hoping to not upset him with too many changes or new situations…)
When my son was in kindergarten, his teacher noticed that he was having difficulty with what they call “fine motor skills” — drawing, writing, coloring in the lines and so forth. He was tested and began an IEP which ran through kindergarten and first grade. It made all the difference, and he is now finished. He also does speech therapy at school, but that is through a different program.
It is absolutely nothing you do or did. Some kids need help with some things that’s all.
A couple of tips for when you meet with the various folks. Always take notes and get the name of the person/people you are speaking with and their backgrounds. They are asking about your life and child; you have every right to understand their professional qualifications.
And don’t hold back on your questions. If they tell you something you don’t understand, ask them to explain it to you again. Everybody uses jargon and sometime people use it deliberately.
My sister had very similar sensory issues when she was a young child. She couldn’t even stand to have the seam of her sock touch her toes the wrong way, or she would have a total meltdown. The vacuum cleaner sent her into tantrums. My mother, who is an elementary school counselor, worked with her constantly. We went to private school, so she did not have an IEP, but she did have my mother, who is a miracle worker when it comes to kids…and my sister? Was valedictorian of her high school class, went to college on an academic scholarship, and is wildly successful Cordy’s going to be fine, and you’re doing the right thing.
Even through it all, it’s comforting to know that there are programs to help her. I’m so glad you are able to share this with us and perhaps help other parents not to worry if their children need some extra help. It take courage and you did it!
I often fele the same way about such quesitons. I wonder if the people who really do give their kids soda in a sippy cup actually admit to it?
lol
I just wrote a long comment when my internet crapped out and lost it…so in a nutshell, what I said was, As a person whose asked those very questions, I promise the questions sound very judgemental, but I promise they are not meant to be.
Having been through the evaluation process with Little J, I know exactly what you mean about those questions!! I felt like I was under a microscope and was waiting for the horrified gasp following one of my answers. Rest assured, those evaluators see it ALL and a slightly cluttered house does not even register with them (except to note that your child is blessed with plenty of stimulating, age-appropriate toys).
Having spent a year in Birth to Three (WI’s version of Grow With Me)be glad that you are going straight to the school district. The state programs are horribly underfunded and (at least in our case) totally useless. The difference I saw when we moved to seeing the school’s SLP was amazing. The professionalism blew me away after dealing with the clowns at B to 3.
Catching any potential problems this young shows what a great mom you are and makes any therapy that much more effective. I love that you recognize the need to keep her little personality intact and not change who she is! She is very lucky to have such a great advocate.
Not to pooh-pooh Cordy’s problems in any way – but I will tell you that Declan’s school (which specialized in special needs kids) identified a sensory issue for him when he was about 2 years old.He was having a lot of problems when squishy things got on his hands. Lucky for us, it was only one thing, and they gave us guidance on how to get him used to it and we worked through it with him very quickly.
My point being, while I realize SID can be a huge problem (and I think most of us, adults kids, whoever, all have sensory issues of some sort, it just depends how debilitating they are)… we found the help and training got us over Declan’s hump rather quickly… I sure hope that the same goes for you.
Or at the very least, I am sure the therapy she receives will make a huge difference… In both how she feels and how you understand her.
Sounds like we’re both in about the same spot – on that cusp between the program run by the county and the program run by the school district. I think it’s good that they’re willing to start the school district intake – helps keep it seamless for people like you and me (and our kids).
For your part and Cordy’s, it sounds like it went really well. Please try not to blame yourself for whatever challenges she’s facing – you’re the one who’s taking care of getting her help.
Um, you do let her eat too much sugar and watch too much TV. Most parents do.
Hey anon, what’s your guidelines for too much? While she may go slightly over the AAP guidelines for TV viewing, I can bet she eats far less sugar than most kids.
1) It’s very easy for non parents to spout the correct parenting way of life.
2) TV isn’t necessarily a bad thing it’s the quantity & quality of what they watch that is important.
3) You mention in your blog thoughts & scenarios many moms will have gone through & many of us have made or will make the same choices / have the same thoughts you have had.
I think you’re a great mom, keep it up!
There’s a good book called The Out of Sync Child. You might find it interesting.