Cordy has been in daycare, two days a week, for four weeks now. Every day after the first has been met with screaming “No school!” followed by one of her teachers having to pry her off of whichever of my limbs she has tried to melt into while I make my getaway.
The day doesn’t remain that bad, thank goodness. Usually at the end of the day we return to find her playing with a toy with a smile on her face. But it’s clear she missed us, too, as she sees us and yells, “Mommy! Daddy! You saved me!”
But all is not perfect at school, either. Any transition between activities is met with a full out tantrum and tears. One day she had to be removed from an assembly because she wouldn’t calm down and it was bothering everyone. She refuses to feed herself most items, and as a result she won’t eat much. (The teachers do make sure she eats something during the day, however.) We have to send one of her sippy cups or she’ll go the entire day without drinking anything, too. She spends most of the day playing by herself and not participating in group activities.
Last week I ran into Aaron’s aunt, who happens to be the director of the preschool and daycare. We chatted for a few minutes, and then she leaned in a little closer to me. “Hey, are you still thinking about having Cordy evaluated for developmental delays?”
“Uh, yeah, I think so. Why?”
She put a hand on my upper arm. “I had the chance to watch her a little bit today, and I think getting her evaluated is a good idea. She’s the oldest in her classroom, and while she’s probably smarter than most of the other kids, in behavioral age she’s one of the youngest in the room. I definitely don’t think she’ll be ready for the three-year olds room when she turns three in the fall.”
We continued talking about Cordy’s behavior and how she really isn’t like the other kids. She’s never had the ability to cope well with transitions. Other kids can happily finish their paintings and move on to storytime, but Cordy can’t switch gears without a meltdown. She has the physical ability to use a spoon and fork (we’ve seen her do it), yet when it comes time to use them to eat, she simply can’t do it. If she’s not in control of the situation, a tantrum shortly follows.
Cordy’s vocabulary is growing every day. She knows hundreds of words. Yet when it comes to carrying on a conversation, she struggles. Many times what she says is simply a phrase she heard from us or from TV. When she’s bored, she will quietly talk to herself, quoting entire scenes of Dora or Backyardigans or some other show, word for word, with different voices for each character. If she ever wants to be an actress, she’ll have no trouble memorizing her lines.
Aaron’s aunt watched her try to interact with another little girl. Cordy approached her and said something that his aunt couldn’t hear. The little girl responded in a positive way to Cordy. But Cordy stared at her, unsure of where to take the conversation next, then turned and ran away.
I’ve seen these quirks developing for several months now, and Aaron and I have struggled with the thought of having her evaluated. The option has been debated over and over in my head. On one hand, I see her all the time and see how other kids don’t act the same way. On the other hand, my mom would remind me, “You’re not exactly normal, either, so why should you expect it from her?”
I’ve often wondered if this is all in my head and I’m seeing problems that don’t exist. I don’t want her to have problems – I want my child to be perfect in every way, like most moms. But there comes a point when you wonder if it’s only your kid who has a screaming half-hour tantrum because you bought her the toy she wanted, or who can spend over an hour at the playground and not once acknowledge another child there.
Even worse is the feeling that I’m somehow responsible for her awkward social behavior. Did I do something wrong that has shaped her into a child who can’t cope with change? Did I not take her to the playground enough? Was there too much of a routine at home? Should I have been more strict, forcing her to do things my way and not let her have any control? Did she watch too much TV? Did taking an anti-depressant during pregnancy cause this?
So now I’m taking Cordy for an initial evaluation this Wednesday. We’ve been considering it for months, but it wasn’t until Aaron’s aunt – a childcare professional with over twenty years of experience – admitted that she saw possible warning signs that I finally made the call. They’ll look at all aspects of her development, give me an assessment, and if they do see any problems, give us some idea of where to go next.
I’m not sure what I’m hoping for from the evaluation. I know Cordy isn’t your average toddler. She’s different, but I don’t know if it’s a kind of different that requires intervention. It’s like a stab to the heart to see her wander her classroom, playing by herself, unsure of how to interact with the other kids. It hurts to see other kids approach her, trying to befriend her, only to be ignored or answered with some babbled line from Dora. If this continues, eventually the other kids will stop trying.
She’s a happy child much of the time, she’s funny, and she’s so very smart. But I worry she’s not normal, and while it’s OK not to be normal (heaven knows I’ve never been “normal”), I want her to be successful in life. She will need social skills, and she will need to deal with change. I’d never push her to totally conform with the crowd – a drone in a sea of average – because I know she’s anything but average. But without social skills, she’ll be that weird kid in the corner that no one likes.
I guess we’ll see what happens on Wednesday.
Honestly Christina, my personal unsolicited opinion is that you didn’t do anything wrong or “cause” the things you’re concerned about. Either way, moving forward with the evaluation is the best possible decision because knowledge is power.
Good luck on Wednesday. I’m crossing my fingers for Cordy 🙂
Oh, my heart goes out to you. It’s the hardest thing in the world to acknowledge that our child might be less than the perfect creature we know them to be. I hope that the news you receive is good, but know that you will handle beautifully whatever should come your way.
Good for you for getting Cordy evaluated. I worked in child care for so many years… and saw so many parents in complete denial. Parents who could’ve had help for their children as early as possible… but were too “proud” to admit there just might be an issue. Even when evaluations were suggested by child development professionals… they would become terribly offended. It is just so much better to find out one way or the other.
All of that said… I hope the evaluation outcomes are positive.
Hold your head high. When the various medical professionals quiz you on all those things that you are fearful might have “caused” the differences, answer truthfully without regret.
After all, since you were taking an antidepressant, that indicates that something was a tiny-bit “off” with you, which means it isn’t unheard of that something might be quirky with Cordy.
These things aren’t to be ashamed of, despite the haughty moms with their perfect kids and all the “experts'” opinions.
Best of luck on Wednesday – and regardless of the result, know that as you learn more about Cordy you’ll learn what works best for her – regardless of label, eligibility, or special help from other folks.
I guess you can imagine how much I related to this post. Every word.
Keep us posted – you didn’t say who you’re going to for the evaluation – is it your family doctor or someone more specialized? I’ll be eager to hear what they have to say.
Good luck tomorrow. I hope you get some helpful answers. She obviously is a kid with a big personality–the picture you just posted shows that!–maybe she just needs some help in sharing it with the world.
No big advice, but I know how you feel, and try and remember that it ISN’T anything you did or didn’t do. Our kids are who they are. You’ve already determined that she’s a little different, and that you love her for it. If they give you a “diagnosis” you’ll survive and she will too. Hang in there…
It’s only been 4 weeks – that’s 8 days – that she’s been in daycare. Is it too soon to be making comparisons? Maybe she just needs a little more time to get used to such a big change from her usual routine. (just thinking out loud here.)
That said, there is absolutely no harm in taking that first step in case you do need to intervene somewhere. And the only thing you can be accused of, is being an attentive, caring parent.
You’re doing more than a LOT of parents do. Realize that, recognize that you are an amazing Mom and move forward. We’ll be thinking of and praying for your family!
I popped over from another blog and I am saddened by your situation. I completely agree with anne v’s comment. Your child has had quite a big change from what she is used to and she goes only two days a week. To her she is starting over each time she goes because I am assuming the two days are not consecutive. That is very hard for a toddler to handle. Also going from being the only kid to being one of many is intimidating for some toddlers. I have been employed as a teacher in preschools and have seen this type of situation. After some TLC from a teacher or two, she will begin to enjoy her time there. I believe she just needs more time to adjust.
Our daycare suggested we have our 3yo son evaluated when he went through a rough patch. He’d been in the center for two years at that point and this was the first suggestion that he might have sensory issues and we were shocked that they suggested it. A couple months later the issues they were concerned about (separation anxiety, need for intense physical sensation, preferring to play alone, single minded determination, transition problems) were mostly gone. I think his issues were related to us having pulled him out of the center for the better part of a month for vacations, holidays, and daycare closings.
Over the next couple of months we talked about it fairly regularly, we did some monitoring, I read a couple of books they suggested we just worked with it. In the past couple of months they haven’t mentioned the situation at all. We’re still watching the situation but it seems as though it was situational. He’s still more intense than some of the other kids and we’ll continue to watch him.
She hasn’t been in preschool very long so I’d weigh that pretty lightly in your decision. I think your own observations at home as well as your Aunt’s, provided she’s seen Cordy outside school as well as in, are the most important to consider and it sounds as though you’re doing that.
Where is the line between there being a problem and just being quirky? I certainly don’t know.
I’m sure it was nothing you did or didn’t do. That’s just one of the many ways mothers like to beat themselves up and feel guilty. Instead you should feel good that you’re going to get her evaluated. At least you won’t have to wonder about things anymore and if there is an issue they can step in early and help.
I hope everything goes well! If nothing else, the evaluation should give you some more tools in your toolbox in terms of understanding and helping Cordy. She’s clearly an amazing kid!
Since you’ve been thinking about this for a while and wondering, and Aaron’s aunt, professional in the field that she is, suggested it, it sounds like a good thing that you’re getting the evaluation done. I also think that getting it done this early is good – if you’re already wondering, and if it turns out that she *does* need some kind of special help, starting as early as possible can only be the best way to tackle the situation. Knowhutimean? I feel the same way about getting Sweet Pea to the optometrist and subsequently getting her glasses this early. If we had waited another year or longer, her eyes might have never learned to focus properly. Or more correctly, they might have permanently learned *to* focus *improperly.*
Good wishes to all of you and I will look forward to reading the results of the evaluation.
Having recently gone for an eval, I can only encourage you. One sentence you wrote really struck me: “I definitely don’t think she’ll be ready for the three-year olds room when she turns three in the fall.”
That’s exactly the goal I articulated in CJ’s eval – I know she’s doing fine in the two year-old room now, but I know how different the three year-old room is. I’d rather she get a little help now to make a successful transition later. I’m guessing you feel the same about Cordy.
Something else that occurred to me is how I’ve watched my friend Stacey’s son grow to be a more social and outgoing child with the help of therapy. We can talk about it in greater detail at BlogHer if you like.
Hi Christina,
I left you a comment over on “WorkingGirl’s” blog. Good luck and best wishes, Esther
You didn’t “cause” anything! I’m sure of this.
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.
For what it’s worth I think you’ve made the right decision to have Cordy evaluated.
Being concerned about your child is one of the worst worries a mother can have. It gnaws at you and gnaws at you until you have no peace of mind.
I hear the worry in your words. It sounds to me from what you’ve written here that you have some valid concerns. I’m not expert in childhood development…but as a mother I’ve always trusted my gut.
Your gut and now your husband’s aunt’s observations are giving you direction. Get the initial eval done…you’ll feel better if you do.
If there is nothing wrong you can put aside those niggling concerns. If there is something that needs some attention, you will be able to deal with it early and there’s nothing better than early intervention.
Hang in there…I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow and looking for your update.
My heart goes out to you. It is great that you are taking the initative, but I have to agree with kgirl, it has only been a few weeks, and it does take time to get adjusted to day care.
My daughter switched day cares at 9 months and it took her 3 months to adjust…it set her back developmentally in many aspects. I also knew a 24 month old who took a while to adjust. I think the older they get the more time it takes.
I wish you the best of luck!
I had similar problems/worries/cry fests with my first… and I think that had a lot to do it it. By no means am I saying that’s Cordy’s situation, I am just tossing another idea out there. I had Boom when Meathead was about to turn three, and he also went into a preschool situation right after. He had the same things, didn’t relate well to kids, didn’t talk much and when he did it wasn’t anything to do with the topic at hand, but he did it at home sometimes. We had him eval’ed and that’s pretty much how they summed it up, he doesn’t transition well, either in actitvies or in life changes because he had never had to before that point. Working with him, the teachers giving him a bit of a push and speech therapy because he had developed a slight stutter was all it took to get him on track.
Like I said, I’m not trying to say that is what Cordy’s dealing with, but the situation seemed similar enough for me to give you another way to look at it.
Cordy’s gonna do great by the way, with you willing to do this so early on she’ll grow by leaps and bounds within a few months, your a good Mama, and that goes a long way.
Just stoppin in to see if there was an update … and to say I am sorry I didn’t send luck your way yesterday! I am sure all will be fine! I applause you for taking her, I know it is hard, but if anything is wrong it will be better to start working on it now rather than later!
Lots of luck and hang in there!
I just found your blog through Amalah’s blog round-up on Club Mom. My husband’s business partner and his wife are going through the exact same thing with their 3-year-old right now. I wish you the best, and I’ll be reading 🙂 Good luck at her evaluation.
The best thing anyone ever said to me about this stuff was: Your kid is the exact same kid after the evaluation as before. You just have more information to work with. You’ve already noticed something that concerns you–there is help for it, whatever it is, if it does need intervention.
It’s okay to feel worried and even disappointed. Just know that Cordy will be fine, seriously fine, and that you are doing what you need to to help her be that way. Spoken from experience, BTW.
No matter what the outcome, even if there is an issue, you will figure it out, and it will be ok. Because it has to be, no matter what is. There is no other choice.
Christina, I really hope that everything goes well today. I know it’s not easy to have your child evaluated or to even worry about their development but you’re doing the right thing. Good luck today! I’ll be thinking about you guys.
I wish you the best of luck with Cordy’s evaluation. Please don’t beat yourself up with wondering if it was “something you did.” You are a terrific Mom and Cordy is a smart sweet girl because of it.
Please let us know what happens. Your in our thoughts.
I have two very quirky, ‘different’ kids. They’re twins, they’re almost 15, and they are still quirky and different. They’re great kids though, polite and thoughtful and funny as hell. But quirky. My kids were in EI from 4 months of age. It was the best decision I ever made.
The evaluations by developmental experts can be hard. Some can even be harsh. But this was NOTHING you did, or do now, or will do in the future. If your Cordy has developmental delays, neurological issues, or is simply a NOS kid, you’ll learn to deal with it in the best way you can. Your daughter will learn to compensate, you’ll still love each other, and it will be OK. Getting help isn’t a bad thing.
I hope your evaluaton goes well.
Not only would a lot of moms not ever go see the doctors, very few would write so honestly about it. Thanks for sharing all of this — I hope it helps you deal with all your very rational fears. But remember that you’re totally right: Cordy deserves to be a happy kid all the time, and all you can do is try to help figure out how to make that happen.
Trust me I have been in your shoes. I am in them now. The key is to get help at a young age. I ignored a lot of “quirks” about my son and just last year took the steps to get him the help he needs.
Here because I’m stalking Amalah. What a great entry–I had to comment.
I have two children who have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Symptoms include problem with transitions, lack of social skills, delayed speech, echolalia. (Mine are 10 and 12, so I don’t hear Dora the Explorer, I hear The Simpsons.)
It was painful to have them evaluated, but I told myself: if these were physical problems, nothing would keep you from seeking help, right? There would be no stigma if there were hearing loss or some other physical problem.
Then, when They Found Something, I kept reminding myself that that no baby is ideal. When you have a baby, you get what you get. A boy instead of a girl; brown hair instead of red; a singleton instead of twins; Asperger’s syndrome instead of “normalcy.”
Mine have now gone through three separate evaluations, years of speech therapy, years of social skill groups, etc., etc. The evaluation is–unfortunately–just the first step.
Have you read the essay about planning to go to Italy and ending up in Holland? And that Holland is actually a great place? It really is like that.
Good luck with it all.