Sometimes I wish we lived in simpler times.
Now that I’m in the third trimester, I’ve begun thinking about my upcoming labor and what I’m sure will be a difficult transition when we bring home our new daughter. I remember the early days with Cordelia. My mother stopped in a few days that first week, but otherwise, it was just Aaron and I trying to figure out our new roles as parents.
In earlier times, and still in many cultures today, childbirth was more of a family and community event. A woman’s mother, aunts, sisters, female cousins, and female friends would be there to help her while she labored, with the experienced mothers taking charge to keep the new mom’s spirits up. The women would keep cool cloths on her forehead, bring her water, rub her back, encourage her and help her be as comfortable as possible.
Once the baby was born, the other women helped clean the mother up, make her comfortable, and offer advice on breastfeeding and childcare. Generally, a few of the women would remain for several days, doing the housework and cooking for the new mother, assisting with older children, bringing the baby to her for feedings, and making sure she got the rest she needed. Women helping women: a sisterhood held together by the common bond of motherhood.
The average, isolated, American nuclear family of today often does not have the full benefit of this sisterhood. For one, families are not as large, and what extended family we do have is often spread across the country. And childbirth is now primarily left to the medical professionals in hospitals, many of which have rules and regulations limiting the number of visitors allowed in the labor and delivery room. Our isolation leaves many couples on their own when they become parents, unsure of their abilities and, for the mother, still healing from the rigors of childbirth yet needing to get back to normal life as soon as possible.
When Cordy was born, my mother was able to come up for the day, but only because I had a scheduled c-section. Had I gone through a normal labor, my mom’s presence would have depended on when labor started and if she had to work that day. My mother was the only relative who could possibly offer any help with childbirth: I have no sisters, my aunts are childless, and it’s been far too long since my grandmother gave birth for her to remember. (And my grandmother’s birth experiences involved being put into a “twilight sleep” and waking to find a new baby.) Aaron’s family offered little help, also: his immediate family are all men.
While the hospital staff were helpful, they had no emotional investment in my well-being. I remember the first morning after my c-section clearly. Aaron had to leave for the morning for a performance he was contractually obligated to be at, and my mom wasn’t coming until later in the day. At that point, I was still connected to an IV and a catheter, with tubes going everywhere, I had inflation cuffs on both legs to prevent blood clots, and my ab muscles were shredded from my incision, making it nearly impossible to move. Cordy was next to my bed in her plastic hospital crib, and she started crying.
Even though she was right next to me, I couldn’t get to her because of the various implements chaining me to the bed. I finally managed to lean over far enough to pick her up, only to then place her between my legs and wonder what I should do next. Did she need changed? If so, I couldn’t get to the supplies. Was she hungry? Breastfeeding was still not working, and there wasn’t a lactation consultant available until later in the morning. I was thirsty, also, but my water bottle was empty. I pressed the call button for the nurse, and was told she was with other patients and would be there as soon as she could. I remember feeling helpless and alone, crying at my inexperience and wishing someone was with me to tell me it was OK, and that I wasn’t already failing at being a mother. I needed help. I couldn’t do this alone.
Remembering that makes me nervous about my upcoming labor. This time I know my mom will not be there. If she is available, she will be at our house watching Cordy, since children are not allowed in labor and delivery. Aaron will be there, and I am thankful for that, but if this one isn’t a c-section (and I’m really hoping for a VBAC), he will be just as new at this as I will be. I’m considering hiring a doula as a next-best-thing substitute for that familial sisterhood I lack, although I’ve been facing a lot of pressure from family who think the extra cost is a waste of money we can’t afford to waste.
One enormous weight off my shoulders is that Aaron will get paternity leave this time. At his old job, he had no leave available, and took the four days of sick/vacation available to him before he had to be back to work. This time, he will get six weeks, two weeks completely at home, and four weeks working part-time. My mom hopes to come up once or twice a week, too. I have some wonderful mom friends who will probably visit when they can, too, even though they live hours away. But for the majority of the time, it will be Aaron and I on our own.
I wish our culture still placed a high value on family and community. This could be the reason so many moms are finding blogs and message boards and other online communities to fill in this need for camaraderie and sisterhood. We need someone to tell us we’re not alone: we’re not the only ones to forget the diaper bag when going out, we’re not the only ones to feel helpless because we don’t know why our babies are crying, we’re not the first to resent our new babies from time to time, and we’re not the first to occasionally feel like failures.
And while it would be wonderful to have a group of women helping me out at home the first few weeks, knowing that someone else out there has gone through what I’m going through, and will tell me it’ll all be OK, is nearly as good. I may not have many experienced moms here in my immediate vicinity, but thanks to the virtual community I have a wealth of experience to draw from, and several digital shoulders to lean on.
Oh hon. I’m sorry you feel so isolated. I can’t say that I truly understand, as I do have all of my family (lots of women) around me for support. However, it’s tought no matter what the amount of help is. If you can afford a doula or ANYone to come and help during labor or just during the recovery period, that would be worth the money, in my opinion. Screw everyone else’s opinions. They don’t have to go it alone with 2 little kids.
Strangely enough, things WILL work out. You will have tough times and HORRIBLE times, for sure, but the wonderful times with a second (or third) child aren’t any less special than with the first. And it may be reassuring to know that you WILL have support from lots of other moms, even if it’s only via the computer. Take care, and have you thought of a name yet?!?
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I had my oldest three in West Virginia, where all of my family is.It was nice to be able to call them if I DID need something, and they were so close.
Then I moved here to Cincinnati, where I do not know anyone. I got pregnant with my daughter, and ended up having a C-Section (my first). My husband wasn’t able to stay home longer than a week. I had three older children, myself and a premature baby. She wasn’t able to come home for two months. I was very alone. I still feel that way.
I have found it very hard to meet people here, so I am still going it (mostly) alone, after five years. I feel you.
All that said, you WILL do fine. I know that me saying that isn’t much help after that long post, but I know you will do fine.
It will be ok and you are not alone at all. I went through a similar circumstance right after my daughter was born, I was in a city with no family to speak of able to be there and my dream of a natural birth turned into a c-section that left me feeling rather helpless. My sister-in-law just had a baby and hired a doula. I highly highly recommend it. The cost is worth it and just feeling like you have that help no matter what is such a relief.
If we have another we really want to try for a vbac as well, I’m looking forward to see how it works for you, I’m sure you are strong enough to do everything you can to try but even if you end up with another c-section you can feel good about the fact that you gave it everything you had. I’ll be thinking of you. Thanks for sharing and voicing what is on many other mama’s minds and hearts.
The women in my neighbourhood really work hard at building a community. We have a network where we sign up to help with meals/errands/childcare after someone gives birth. We spend a lot of time together at our drop-ins and there is always someone to hold your baby when you pee. I don’t know what I’d have done without this.
The blogging community has helped so much too. We’re lucky here in Toronto to have so many of us close together and willing to offer to help each other.
I had a vbac and it was the best decision that I could have made. I had a long labor but it was a wonderful experience. The nurses were great. My husband and I didn’t really know what to do. I’d had half of a childbirth class before the birth of my first child when I landed in the hospital on bed rest. My husband never had any class as he was deployed. We did fine with the birth.
Don’t hesitate to ask your family and friends for as much help as you need. We were lucky to have grandparents around for the first few weeks while we figured it all out. They spent their time taking care of the toddler while my husband and I figured out the baby.
You’ll manage fine. Trust your instincts.
You will be fine. Remember that even if you are fortunate to go through the VBAC that you are hoping for you are armed with more information on how to cope with your newborn than you were the first time. There will still be moments of newness with the potential delivery being different, but you have an idea of what to expect with a new baby.
I am in my third trimester, about 7 weeks from my third planned C-section to deliver our third son. I will be alone for this as my husband has to care for our other two boys who are under 4 until my parents can get there to relieve him.
You will be fine and even if you miss some of the support they are thinking of you.
We LOVED our doula. Absolutely NOT a waste of money. Do it, you won’t regret it. (But be sure to interview several, and pick one that you really click with).
Get a doula. They are worth it.
Kristen
Motherhood Uncensored
You will be fine. You and Aaron and Cordy are all this baby needs, and when it all comes down to it you will know what to do with or without a bunch of other people there telling you what to do. You’re the mommy and, even if it takes a while to figure out sometimes while baby is screaming in the background, mommies always figure it out eventually 😉
I can so relate.
My first baby was born in L.A. where I had absolutely no family and I was totally miserable that we were there in the first place. I floundered completely with breastfeeding and was on the edge of a divorce since I was blaming my husband for dragging us out there in the 1st place.
It will get tricky with the 2nd, but make sure Cordy has some resources like playdates, etc. As a local resource, I would be glad to help you out! Make sure you reach out.
And yes, we should all long for the good ol’ days when we were respected more for giving life to another human being.
Having a doula will hugely increase your chances of having a VBAC. Considering that a C-section costs twice as much as a vaginal delivery, it seems like a good investment to me. I’d highly encourage you to check around and at least price them.
I’m kind of in the same boat. I do have some family nearby but they are all so busy with their own lives and they have to be pointedly asked for help (which they will give gladly) but I am so not good at asking!
I think it will be a long, tough road but just keep reminding yourself that there will be an end somewhere along the way!
I had all the same apprehensions with my second (born just last November) especially as my mother who had been there for the 1st 2 weeks of my first was not coming from England until a month later. And we have no family near us at all. But here is what happened for me (and I hope for you).
I actually had an emergency C (ok–i don’t hope for that part for you) and can so identify with you on being immobile, etc. But this time around (and I had a V with first) *everything* was so much easier. Mainly because psychologically I knew I could do it. No question. I knew that I needed to take advantage of the hospital time as much as possible while I had people on tap to help me. My husband came as much as he could, but we have a 4 year old that needs taking care of and who could not be in the room for more than an hour or so without going loopy.
(And here’s a confession–when they’d leave, I’d be relieved. QUIET!!!)
So I soaked in the quiet, and just had that time in the baby vaccum with my new boy, and it was actually quite lovely. (admittedly, he was not born screaming like the first–but I also had a much better sense of what to do when he did cry, etc).
It will be much better this time around, I am betting–because you are already a mother. Because you already know…
Hire that doula. Do it, do it do it, and don’t worry about your relatives.
I would usually say get a midwife, but that’s advice that I dole out at the very beginning, and in places where such blessedly amazing caregivers are blessedly free. And even with a midwife to care for you and the baby, you need friends to stock your freezer and watch Cordy and bring you magazines. Take advantage of them. It’s allowed.
wish I was close enough to help for real.
I can certainly understand where you’re coming from, even though almost all my relatives live no further than an hour away from me. If I were still living in my hometown I’d have too much help, but since I live an extended car ride away I hardly see any of my aunts or cousins. You’ll get through this because you’re one tough chick. I wish I had advice for you other than Get a Doula!
Oh wow, this was me a little over two years ago. In a brand new city in a brand new place, about to give birth to my second child. What a mind trip.
Sorry we’re just a virtual community for you, but oh trust me, we’ve BTDT and are here for you.
I had a negative doula experience but imagine that is quite rare.
But I’m with you in that I wish family-friendly culture was more than just a political buzzword.
I was really moved by your post. I’m a labor and delivery nurse and a mom. I’m sorry and, frankly, surprised that you were left alone with your baby before you were able to care for her after your c/s. That would not have happened to you at my hospital.
I know that in your third trimester, you are pretty much committed to your doctor/midwife and hospital. But I want you to know that hospital policies do vary greatly about the age and number of visitors allowed. My hospital’s policies are quite different from the one where you are delivering.
I hope you decide to hire a doula. Why not get a paypal donation button for your blog and ask your blogging community for financial help with the doula? I bet there are a lot of people that would love to help you.
Anyway, good luck with your VBAC. I’ll be checking back to see how that turns out.
So glad that Aaron will be able to take time off when the baby is born!
I had a cousin-in-law who had a doula. She LOVED it.. took some of the pressure off of her and her husband who didn’t know everything that was going on.
It is rough when you have little help. My advice to you is to speak up at the hospital if you need a refresher on anything pregnancy or baby related. I found that most of the hospital staff assumed I knew everything since it was # 2. I realized how much I had forgotten, too late.
If you need some help, don’t hesitate to call or email. I would be more than happy to help how I can.
Hi again. You know, I love coming here, because I feel like I’m in it with you. When my first daughter was born, my hubby was there, along with my sister who traveled in from New York for the first couple days. But he went back to work after one week. When baby sister came to join us this past Christmas, he was commuting to work in Cincinnati ( We live in Michigan, four and a half hours away.)and left literally two days after she was born. Not to mention having to leave the hospital just hours after her birth, so he could pick up Ashleigh from daycare. So, I spent most of the first two weeks by myself. But, surprisingly, it was OK. The first day was really hard, but I made it one hour at a time. I’m praying that you get to have a VBAC because you heal so much faster. I pray that you get to have at least one cup of hot tea a day, to calm your nerves. And I pray mostly for your “baby-sister” to sleep through the night as quickly as Sydney did…by three weeks we were getting 5 straight hours. Now, at almost three months, Daddy is back at work near home and our girls love each other. I look back on those first weeks, and realise I did it…by myself. And it makes me proud to say so. And, some more good vibes…You won’t cry nearly as much…you’ve done it before! You won’t question yourself at all…you’ve done it before! Your rutines will continue to work…just with a little tweaking…you’ve done this before!! You CAN do it, and you have MANY many friends here for you! We all love you.
Amen, amen, amen.
My digital shoulder is always here for you.
You’re going to be fine. You’re already a great mom. Now you’re just perfecting it.
I agree with you, that while it’s nice we have our own homes and everything, we are lacking the safety net of family nearby to help when the going gets tough. We all need that.
I hope you have some good help, and glad to hear your husband has more time this time.