A Mommy Story

I’ve been fairly lucky to avoid the crazy, hormone-induced, emotional mood swings of pregnancy. Maybe it was from years of birth control pill use, or maybe my body is good at adjusting to the increase of hormones to the nth power. When pregnant with Cordy, a friend asked Aaron how he was dealing with the sudden food cravings, emotional outbursts and mood swings, and Aaron replied that I wasn’t the typical crazy pregnant woman, and really didn’t have any of those, so it was all good.

This pregnancy has been much the same, although every now and then an emotional outburst builds and builds, ever so slowly, from many different events affecting me over a short period, and then the floodgates open. Last night was one of those nights.

It started when Cordy chose not to nap yesterday. This always puts a little extra stress on me, because if she doesn’t nap, then I don’t nap. By evening, thanks to the lack of sleep, she was cranky. I also felt like a horrible mother after she was playing too close to the fireplace yesterday (it’s enclosed, and she was sitting about three feet away, which seemed to be far enough), and the heat gave her cheek a slight burn, resulting in one bright red cheek.

Then I read the news story that Izzy linked to in her recent post, knowing I shouldn’t read it because it would affect me, and after reading it I felt a heavy knot in my stomach. I pushed the haunting images I constructed to the dark corners of my mind, and tried to put it behind me. I was feeling a little emotional, but I figured it would go away as the evening went on.

After putting Cordy to bed, we settled in to watch some evening TV. Grey’s Anatomy featured the team responding to a major disaster, and of course, there was a traumatized little girl looking for her mother, and a mother who had lost her young son and didn’t know if he was safe. I tend to not get too involved in this show, and didn’t think it bothered me, even though it was secretly adding to the build up.

Finally, noticing that we had spent the evening in opposite corners of the living room, I walked over to the couch and asked Aaron if I could join him. He gave an annoyed sigh, said something about how it wasn’t easy to work on his computer with someone else sitting on the couch as well, shut the computer down and tossed it aside. It felt like an angry response, and at that moment I felt less important than whatever he was reading on the computer, and felt like I was intruding.

I sat down next to him, and then the tears started to flow. I tried to stifle the flow, but once the first drop escaped down my cheek, there was no stopping them. I was a sobbing mess. Aaron asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t give a straight answer. I was a little upset at his response when I wanted to sit with him, but it certainly wasn’t worth a full-out cry.

As we sat there in silence, watching TV, the other bad moments of the day started appearing in my head, and while I couldn’t fully explain it, I realized that my emotional outburst was a result of a day-long build up. Aaron wiped away the tears and wondered why I was so upset. Soon I was talking about the news story I read, about how I felt bad about Cordy burning her cheek, even about Anna Nicole Smith and her poor little girl left with no mother, and every other thing bothering me. Even though I couldn’t give a straight answer, he seemed to understand. I laughed and told him, “You should count yourself lucky – at least this is a rare occurrence, and I’m not nearly as hormonal as some pregnant women!”

I don’t mind being emotional – a good cry feels refreshing sometimes – but I could do without these sudden outbursts. I don’t like being ambushed by my emotions, finding myself suddenly crying at a minor issue, when it is likely that the real cause is several minor issues that have built up, or simply one small thing that happens to hit a particular nerve that day.

I’m one of those people who cries very easily, and I’ve spent a lot of effort over the years trying to keep it in control, to avoid those embarrassing situations of crying at the wrong time. Like in public. Or at work. So it bothers me when I have that unexpected loss of emotional control. Aaron has become used to me crying when we fight, or if Cordy completely overwhelms me, but I think last night even caught him off guard.

When you were pregnant (or if you currently are), were you more emotional than normal? Did you find yourself breaking down at unusual moments? Did TV commercials or news stories make you cry?