A Mommy Story

I’m generally a nice person. I don’t like to see people unhappy, and I have a hard time hiding my emotions. You could say I’m a people-pleaser, and work hard to find some common element with others I meet. I know I’m a little geeky (OK, more than a little geeky), which isn’t exactly “cool”, but I’d like to think being a friendly, open person can go a long way.

Oh sure, I’ve had those moments of wanting to be popular, and trying to do anything it takes to hang with the cool crowd. In high school, the cool crowd were generally the “mean girls”, and in order to be cool, you had to be willing to be just as mean as them. I’ll admit that I tried to fit in with them, even going so far as to put down kids who were nerdier than me. Of course it didn’t work – I always found my conscience siding with the person I’d tease. It’s something I still feel guilty about, and hope that my teasing didn’t affect those kids the way I was affected by being teased myself.

Naturally, the mean girls could see right through my efforts, and knew just how to strike at my vulnerabilities. My good qualities – friendliness, openness – were used against me. They had the power to turn other people against me, make people question my abilities, and leave me in a sobbing heap on the floor.

But we’re all adults now, right? We’re past all this childish behavior, and if adults have a problem, they can sit down and discuss it like adults, looking for a reasonable solution. Right?

Apparently not. I generally don’t like to discuss my job on this blog, but today’s events couldn’t stay pent up inside me, tearing me apart little by little. The worst part is, the problems at my job have nothing to do with the students. My students are, overall, happy with my performance as their advisor and my student reviews are filled with praise for my abilities. My supervisor is equally pleased with my performance when looking at the quantified results of my work. However, it seems that one or more coworkers have decided that I am some sort of demon who needs to be exorcised from the campus.

I received a call today from my supervisor, wishing to talk for a moment about my performance. He asked me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how I would rate my relationship with the staff at the campus I work at. I told him I believed it was easily an 8 or 9, and that I got along well with everyone, was always willing to help them out, and felt that we all worked together as a good team.

So it came as a surprise when he told me that he had completed my review (the entire university goes through staff reviews every six months, and our performance bonus, AKA “raise”, is based on this review), but that the director of the campus I work at was insisting that my bonus be significantly reduced because of the lousy work I did. What?

I tried to ask for details, but my supervisor had little to share. He wasn’t given much in the way of details: It seems I work poorly with the staff, I don’t do any work, and there was something mentioned about finding a romance novel on my desk. No specific examples were given of what I was doing wrong, and yet because of this vague information, my review is being affected.

First off, a romance novel? WTF? I’ve never had a book at work with me, and I don’t think I’ve ever read a romance novel in my life. The only personal items in my office are two pictures of Cordy. And if I wasn’t doing any work, I think my supervisor would know about it, since the majority of my work involves appointments with students.

As for not working well with other staff, I’m baffled. This aspect was mentioned a year ago as well, and I stepped up my efforts after that last time to make sure I was being as helpful as possible. Even though it’s not part of my job, I assist at the front desk, help set up special events, and offer my help on a regular basis. And most nights I’m having a great time with the other staff – laughing, sharing stories, and working as teammates, certainly not enemies. Oh sure, I’ve been known to read a blog at work, even write blog entries on really slow days when all other work is done. But the other staff spend every day reading message boards, watching YouTube videos and calling their friends while at work. Yet I have no ability to affect their reviews.

I tried to explain all of this to my supervisor, and he told me that he felt I should know about all of this, and to watch myself around the director of the campus. “But,” I added, “I never see her! How can she say all of this when she never sees me work? I’ve seen her at our campus twice in the past six months.”

“Well, apparently she has a spy,” he replied.

Great. So now I know there’s some two faced bitch (it’s all women at this campus) who is sweet to my face, and telling lies about me behind my back. I have a good idea who it is, also. It’s someone who has changed her schedule over the past three weeks to make sure she’s rarely at the same campus as I am. And when I do see her, she suddenly has no time to talk with me, and acts like she’s in a pissy mood and wants to be left alone. This all started about the time our reviews began, meaning if she had lied about me to make herself look good for her review, she knew that at anytime I was going to find out.

So now I find myself completely trapped. I was already in a vulnerable position to begin with – I work at a different campus than the other advisors, and I’m part-time. But I’m also pregnant, so no matter how hostile my work environment becomes, I need to keep this job, because I need the maternity leave I have earned. I can’t quit, and of course I’m going to do anything I can to keep my job because I need that maternity leave. I’m also an open book and always expect the best in people, making me an easy target to exploit: they know I can’t fight back. It must be so much fun for them watching me squirm.

The worst part of this is that I have no recourse. I can’t defend myself, because I have nothing to defend against. I don’t even know the specific crimes I’m being charged with. I can’t prove who in particular has accused me of these vague crimes, so I can’t confront them about it. My review is being trashed, my bonus (which I don’t know how much it will be yet) will be practically nothing now, and now my supervisor and his superiors have reason to question my integrity and work ethic. All because of non-specific accusations.

Plus I am now clearly working in a hostile environment. How can I be my friendly, open self, knowing that someone there secretly dislikes me and is watching my every move to report me? I don’t even know how I am going to get through tomorrow at work. The remainder of today was spent fuming over that phone call and trying to fight back my tears from the injustice I was feeling. How can I smile at people who, when I’m not watching, are trying to force me to leave?

And why is this never brought to my attention, but always brought up at review time? If I was really doing something wrong, a simple talk with me could fix it right away. Instead, I’m never told about it, and then surprised with the news by my supervisor come review time. If there was really an issue, then it should be taken care of the moment it happens, and not left as fodder to damage my review.

I’ve been, yet again, taken advantage of by the mean girls, and totally missed it happening. I allowed myself to be open with my coworkers, thinking we were all friendly with each other, all the while letting my vulnerabilities show. I’m not only mad at them, I’m mad at myself for being duped again. Suddenly I’m right back to my junior high and high school days, running home crying after being the target of an attack by the mean girls, hiding in my bedroom and wishing I didn’t have to go back to school the next day.

I feel totally helpless and trapped. I don’t want to go back to work. But we can’t afford for me to quit, and getting a new job will mean no maternity leave. I’m so angry that I’ve been put in this position, out of the blue.

Is it May yet?