A Mommy Story

Dear Crappy State Community College,

The snowstorm came in Sunday morning, and was over by Sunday early afternoon. Coming out of my class on Sunday the sidewalks were very, very icy. I slipped several times trying to walk to my car, but luckily I didn’t fall. I can understand not having the sidewalks cleared then. It was Sunday, and you probably didn’t have many staff available to clear the sidewalks and put down salt. Besides, there were only a few classes that day, so not that many students to inconvenience.

But Monday evening, things should be all clear, right? I mean, you had the remainder of Sunday, plus all of Monday to do a little clearing. And sure enough, the snow had been pushed aside. But you still didn’t bother to do anything about the ice. I would far rather trudge through slushy snow than walk on a thin layer of very slippery ice.

The parking lot? One big sheet of ice. The sidewalk? More ice. As I walked from my car to the testing center to take an exam, I couldn’t see the threat under my feet in the dark. I figured the pavement was only wet, just like the grocery store parking lot, just like my work’s sidewalk, and just like every other stretch of pavement I had walked today. And you can’t say I was wearing inappropriate footwear – I was wearing my trusty Land’s End mocs, with plenty of traction.

So I was surprised when I lost my footing and found myself flailing wildly for balance. Thankfully, I didn’t fall, although I’m still not sure what contortions I performed to manage that. After regaining my balance, I slowly continued walking to the sidewalk, losing my footing every few steps and slipping one way or the other.

Is a bag of salt so hard to obtain and spread? I know you’re one of the least expensive colleges in the state, but I would be happy to add the $6 to my tuition to help you pay for some rock salt to guarantee that when the weather turns foul, I can stay on my feet when walking on your sidewalks.

Because, while I generally disapprove of frivolous lawsuits, if this pregnant woman falls on the ice because you can’t bother to take care of your college campus, and anything happens to me or my child, I will sue your asses.

Sincerely,
An angry student

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Dear Mail-order Prescription Refill Company,

I get only ONE friggin’ incorrect password attempt before you lock my account? And because of this, now I must fill out an online page that includes my membership number, the ID # of my last prescription filled, questions about my family, and an entire life’s history, just to prove who I am. With all of that information required, I may never regain access to my account.

I keep several passwords in use, and had I been given one more try, I probably could have figured out which one was the correct one. Three tries is the norm for most high-security web sites.

Seriously, WTF?

Sincerely,
Someone who wants her refill

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To my pregnancy hormones,

Did you miss the memo about how you are supposed to behave? When going through the review of all of the effects you have on my body, did you somehow skip the entire section about benefits and instead focus only on the negative effects you have control over?

Oh sure, you clearly demonstrate that you can do parts of your job. I’ve got my fill of swollen ankles, food cravings, heightened sense of smell, and the ever-popular slowed digestion. But I do remember reading in several places that you have the power to provide some perks to this whole pregnancy gig, too, like a heightened mood, greater sex drive, and let’s not forget those erotic dreams featuring hunky movie stars, dreamy TV stars, or just your run-of-the-mill, shirtless fantasy men.

Instead, my nights are filled with rolling from side to side every hour when my hip falls asleep, and very vivid nightmares about being chased, being murdered, or having someone kidnap or hurt Cordy. My mood is certainly not one that could be described as “glowing”, probably due to my restless, nightmare-filled nights. And my sex drive? Let’s not even go down that unpleasant avenue of discussion, for that is one area where by cutting me off, you’ve denied my husband as well, resulting in two disgruntled parents.

If you expect us to give you another chance, you’re clearly mistaken. We are 99% sure we won’t need your services after this pregnancy, and I’m glad, because you clearly wield your power without any thought to your host. As soon as this child is born, I hope to never see you and your screwed up hormonal changes again.

Sincerely,
The person in this body