There are a lot of unhappy people out there.
I’d like to say I was surprised by all of the responses I received to this post, but I’m not. I see it everyday among my friends and family, those with and without children. Right now, there’s a whole lot of unhappy going on out there, in varying degrees.
I wish I could give an answer as to what is breeding this discontent, but I have none. I can give several theories, but they are as valid as any other theories you could come up with. Most of the theories I can come up with rest on one central point: modern life and technology.
As I said in the last post, it could be that thanks to technology, we have reached a point where many of the jobs we perform have little real value to society. Many of us work in jobs where we do not produce an actual product, or provide a necessary service for the survival of the people around us. At the end of the day, I didn’t save anyone’s life, and I didn’t do anything more than advise students and maybe register a few for classes, which is something they can do online as well. A hundred or two hundred years ago, few people had that kind of job. Most could go home at the end of the day and have something to show for their work: they made 4 wagon wheels, they shod 6 horses, they baked enough bread to supply everyone in town, etc.
I worked a short stint in daycare, and while I wasn’t thrilled with my job at the time, I did feel more of a sense of accomplishment than I do in my current position, sitting at a desk, enrolling students in college classes. After all, as part of my duties as a daycare worker, I kept those children safe from harm, and saw that they received food and attention. I provided a necessary service for their parents, without which they would be unable to work, or would have to put their children in dangerous situations.
So that theory makes some sense to me. But what of the moms who stay home with their children who also feel the weight of unhappiness on them? They are performing a task that is very important to society and so basic in our evolutionary mammalian roots that we still have traces of mothering instincts to this day. If mothering is such an important job, why should we not feel entirely fulfilled while doing it?
I think part of that has to do with how our generation was raised. We mothers today are the first and second generation products of the feminist movement. While I can’t say all of us were raised this way, I know I was raised to believe I could have it all. I was raised by a single mom, grandmother, and two unmarried (and very feminist) aunts. Up until I graduated college, my education was the most important task in my life. Unlike my grandmother, who worked as a secretary after raising her daughters, I could be anything I wanted to be. Going to college was encouraged, not something I had to fight for. And I was told that when the time came and if I wished to do so, I could marry, have children, and have my career with no problems.
I’m sure many other women were instilled with similar beliefs. But reality has turned out to be harsher than the grand dream of “having it all”, I think. Having it all is hard to do, and often in the process of juggling all our responsibilities to have it all, something gets dropped. And so often, as women, we blame ourselves for that one thing getting dropped, when in reality it isn’t always our fault. For example, as much as we wish for an even 50-50 split in housework and childcare with our spouses, it doesn’t always end up that way. (I consider myself lucky to have a husband who will change poopy diapers and do the dishes, but I know many don’t have that.) Which means that having it all often leads to doing too much and forgetting your own needs in the process.
And then once you have a child, that remnant of maternal instinct, buried deep within the most primal part of your brain, can surface and make the thought of returning to the career you prized so highly seem like torturous punishment. It can make you want to throw all career aspirations away just to be with this little person. This can lead to an identity crisis, as you feel you have given away your old independent life in trade for a life that now only revolves around your offspring and their activities. Your college diploma that you once displayed proudly is now boxed up to make more room to display the artwork of a three year old.
Or, you could still want to work, but feel torn about leaving your new, helpless child in the hands of another. So while you want to continue taking pride in your work, it is now overshadowed by the guilt you feel letting someone else care for your child each day. Either way, it can be enough to drive many moms into the sweet embrace of antidepressants and tranquilizers.
But what of non-mothers and men who feel adrift and unfulfilled? Clearly that theory doesn’t explain their feelings of unhappiness. And so I could also suggest that the modern media and internet could possibly have some root in the causes of this epidemic.
Think about it: our entertainment industry is there to help us escape from the real world. We go to see movies of people performing extraordinary acts in amazing, exciting jobs. TV is also full of these exciting jobs, but we all can’t lead the exciting life of Jack Bauer. You don’t see many shows or movies about average people living average lives, because it’s boring. (OK, Office Space might have parodied the average office worker, but we can all agree that no one wanted their lives, right?) You don’t see shows about the adventurous life of an accountant, do you? And even if they did have that, how many accountants could really hope to live like that?
I think it can be hard to see all of these exciting people “living” daring lives, and then go back to your desk at your office job and pretend that your job makes a difference. Many people want excitement and drama (of the good kind) in our lives, but there really isn’t that much out there for the average modern person. The truth is that while TV can show us exciting con men and world travelers seeking answers to great unknown questions, the average person must deal with a mortgage and a family and bills to pay. That unglamorous side of life is rarely dealt with for Laura Croft or Clark Kent or Indiana Jones. Somehow the bills just get paid, and their houses are still clean and ready for them when they’re home. Even superheroes need a day job to pay the bills – they just don’t talk about it much in the movies.
So I guess I took all of this time and space to say what I said in the beginning: I have no answers. Maybe we’re all just more ungrateful of all we have today; maybe we’re now so far away from real danger in our lives that we take everything for granted; maybe we have too much time on our hands to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves; or perhaps there really is something wrong with modern society that is leading to more and more people feeling unsatisfied with life. And perhaps this problem is something bigger and scarier than middle-class people feeling like they don’t have it all. Maybe this is one cause behind people who snap and do horrific things, like take hostages and kill children in schools?
What is the modern secret of happiness? Is it pursuing your dreams despite all costs? Is it finding time, in the rush of daily life, to care for your personal needs? Is it accepting that you can’t do everything and letting some things go? Is it learning to accept that your life probably won’t turn out the way you hoped it might?
I recently started reading Judith Warner’s book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, and while I can’t comment on the book yet since I’m only on chapter 3, I can say that I’m already developing a pain in my neck from nodding in agreement so much. Perhaps I’ll find some answers there.
What I do know for sure is that from your responses to my previous post and from the experiences in my own family and those around me, many people are feeling this way, and I worry for all of us if we don’t find some way to combat it.
I sometimes wonder if our happiness (or lack thereof) has to do with our need for instant gratification. Or are we expecting too much. There’s little emphasis put on simple pleasures anymore, instead it’s big screen plasma TVs and large expensive SUVs and exotic vacations. We want everything, we want it now, and it had better be damn good. I think we need to remind ourselves that there is good in the mundane, everyday things.
I find satisfaction in being satisfied with what I have (family time, job, money, resources). There is always MORE of something to strive for – More family time, more money, more stuff…But I feel that we do the best we can in all those areas, and I refuse to spend my time wanting, instead of cherishing what I have. My son is amazing. I cherish each moment I have with him. I adore my husband. My job and my husband’s job support us, and what more could we ask for? Each job has its downfalls…Including that dream job. Each job also has its bright points. They didn’t come up with that “The grass is always greener…” phrase for no reason. I spend my time being happy and content, and I pray for health and happiness for my family. More stuff, more money…We don’t need that to be happy. If it comes, we always find a way to use it…But if it doesn’t, we always find a way to NOT use it.
Fantastic. Yes, yes and yes. Thanks for this post (and the “are you really happy” post as well.)
We live in a time of bigger/better/not nearly enough. Sadly I don’t think there is anything we can do.
I’ll have to check out that book.
Thanks for posting this follow up, as you know, your original post really got me thinking, and lord knows I don’t have any answers, either, but I liked your thoughts on SAHMs.
I loved that book.
I have several ideas as to why this is, however, I think it’s VERY difficult to find satisfaction in a world that demands we be one thing or another. It seems so hard to be a career woman and a mom – it’s like you always get some pressure from somewhere to let one side slide.
If we could all do what we wanted and raise our kids how we wanted… sigh. What a wonderful world.
I still wonder if sahms totally 100% love it – or they would like to be able to work – be it from their home or even just 1-2 days a week. And I wonder for WOHMS if they had the chance to work part time and earn the same if they would take it…
I think we compromise because we HAVE to in order to make life work – and that is the part that sucks – and the part that comes out in a lot of the books.
I have so much to say, but not enough time to say it….Isn’t that nuts? I can only tell you how much I agree with you. This definitely rings true for a lot of us.
Thank you for bringing this up. So important to talk about. Imagine being in the generations before us. No blogs, No internet, not thinking it was okay to think that we weren’t fulfilled in some way.
I can’t imagine not being able to talk about all this.
I think part of our discontent comes from our disconnect from everything…more stable cultures where people don’t move around as much and have extended families seem to be happier.
Great post. Interesting topic.
I think there are many reasons why people aren’t happy. A couple of the major ones, I think, are one that Suebob just mentioned (the disconnect from extended families and friends who often move away), the need to always have MORE (more money, more house, newer cars, etc.), and the general reliance on technology that is keeping us from human connections. (Have you noticed that you can scan your OWN groceries at the store now. I mean, who wants to actually converse with a checker when you can do it yourself. Wal-Mart’s ultimate goal is that you will go into the store, put items into your cart, walk out of the store through the sesors, and your credit card will automatically be charged. No human contact at all. That will be success to them and supposedly also success for the consumer. I’m not so sure.)
In addition to your well-thought post, and those comments above, I’ll throw another aspect into the ring: plain ol’ “vacation” or simply the ability to take a break at the end of the day or at the end of the week.
This applies to anyone: moms, dads, single folk, married folk, etc.
While technology can cause isolation, it also makes us forever connected. Once we became “accessible” we can no longer take a break.
Where taking the weekend to relax with one’s family, friends, or dog used to be the norm, now it is the person who sacrifices Saturday who “gets ahead.” Then it is Saturday and Sunday. What used to be 9-5 is now 7-10, then 6-12. The cell phone rings, the pager goes off. (I once received an urgent email at 5:30am on a Sunday morning with a “due by” of 9:30am. I didn’t actually read the email until 10am that morning – ooops!)
This applies to stay-at-home parents, too, because the working parent is forever “on the clock” and thus unable to “help” with the children.
And while babysitters used to be available, willing, and trustworthy, now with the isolation (spoke of earlier) we don’t know our neighbors, we don’t meet people in person to know “a nice gal down the street.” The teenagers have their own rat race, so would rather spend time doing things other than babysitting. So the good ol’ fashioned “time away from the kids” is no more.
What might be satisfying if we were given a break turns into a weary task instead.
I think part of the reason that there is no validation for a SAHM in today’s society is because it’s been ingrained in out heads that we are supposed to juggle both mommyhood and a career to be anything close to a normal human being. Having only one responsibility has become a sign of weakness. And it’s too bad, because yes, raising another human being is by far the most important of jobs, but gets very little credit probably because we all do it. Kind of on the same line as childbirth — for some reason the days of a weeklong hospital stay have been wittled down to a mere 48 hours. The worth of parenthood has unfortunately taken a back seat to the progress of the modern age of society. But I really have no answers either!
But as for not being happy, I think there were probably a lot of other unhappy people in the past, it just didn’t get talked about or recognized as abundantly as it does now. I know my mother denied depression for YEARS when I was a kid – she never went to a doctor for it. It just was never in her vocabulary. Modern psychology was never a topic in her household in Zanesville, Ohio when all her parents were trying to do was put food on the table. So it’s totally a generational thing as far as that’s concerned.
I think each person holds the key to their own happiness. The problem is, that most people are so busy looking at what other people have and do that they forget that fact.
People today forget to find happiness in their lives. We have been brainwashed that we are not good enough, that we need to work harder and outdo each other. We are being brought down by one-upping each other. Competition has done wonderful things for our society, but it, like most things, needs to have limits. Sadly, the most harmful competition is the kind we place on ourselves.
What happened to mediocrity? I’m fine with being at home. I’m fine that I’m not an uber successful professional. I’m fine that my “new” van is nearly five years old. I’m fine that I have underwear older than some grade schoolers. It doesn’t bother me because I try not to let it.
We put too much pressure on ourselves to throw the perfect party, keep the perfect house, remember every person’s birthday and keep up the perfect appearances. We are competing each day with siblings, in-laws, friends, enemies, our spouses, ourselves.
Happiness, to me, is being okay with who you are and accepting yourself, flaws and all.
I still struggle with this acceptance each day. I still struggle to not compete constantly. It is very difficult. I’ve found my happiness key because of this.
I am excited to meet your family this weekend!
Life isn’t about being 100% happy or fulfilled 100% of the time. It’s about balancing and coping with the range of experiences and emotions that humans have. There is great joy and wonder as well as disappointment and sadness.
Heck, MOST people on the planet don’t have access to potable water, nevermind education, health care or the economic choice to be a sahm.
The real work of the world is still being peroformed by indentured servants/slaves – many of whom are children. We North Americans don’t have to see it or live it.
Our lives are artificial – maybe that’s where some of the “seasickness on land” sensation come from. But instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we should focus on that bottomless glass of water. And be thankful and patient and outwardlooking.
I enjoyed everyone’s comments and esp Christina’s post!