Anxiety

Yesterday I started taking a new class, much like the one I took in September, which is 4 days a week, and runs from 8am to 12:30pm for six weeks. Three of those days, I then must go straight to work, and work until 8pm, essentially missing Cordy’s entire day.

Today was day 2, Cordy has already caught on to what’s happening, and she’s none too happy about it. She realizes this means not seeing mommy all day, as well as being rushed in the morning to get dressed and get out the door (and oh, how she hates to be rushed in the morning!), and this routine change has brought out the hair-trigger tantrum monster.

I suppose I could be glad that at least I’m not the one dealing with her grumpy attitude, but truthfully it breaks my heart. Plus, being away from her entirely for three days a week is no fun for me, either. I never experienced anything like an anxiety attack before becoming a mother, but now there are times when I’m gripped with an illogical fear that while I’m away from her, something bad will happen to her. The logical, rational part of my brain always steps in and reminds me, You have no proof that anything bad will happen to her, silly. You’re being irrational, so stop it, but that doesn’t stop the occasional anxious thought from sneaking past the logic police now and then.

And so yesterday at my doctor’s visit, I found myself having another anxious moment. It was the day we were going to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and I had this sense of dread that baby #2 would have no heartbeat. It was a crazy thought, since I’ve been feeling OK and didn’t have any spotting, but that thought remained in the shadows behind other thoughts, casting a little darkness on all of them.

The visit started with all of the normal stuff: blood pressure (still low, so good), weight, etc. I was down 2 pounds from my last visit, which was more than I thought I’d weigh. This baby is being nicer to me, I guess. By this point with Cordy, I had already lost 10 pounds.

Then the doctor came in, and we chatted a little. I told her about the pain I was having at the back of my pelvis that basically feels like my pelvis is separating from my sacrum (base of the spinal column). We both agreed it was being caused by the sacroilial joints loosening (see? I did earn that A in anatomy class!). Apparently when you have a second child, your body just gives up faster, and I’m already experiencing sliding joints, resulting in sharp pains when I walk or sit. Unfortunately, the only treatment right now for this condition is Tylenol, a heating pad, rest, and not lifting too much. I laughed at the last suggestion, reminding my doctor, “You do realize I have a 32+ pound Amazon toddler, right?”

Finally it was time for the doppler. My doctor warned me, “This could take a bit to find, and there’s a chance we won’t find a heartbeat at all due to the baby still being so small.” I really needed to hear that heartbeat, just to know everything was OK.

As soon as she finished her sentence, the faint but steady thump-thump-thump was heard. We listened for nearly a minute, and I gave a big sigh and smiled. Not only does this baby have a heartbeat, it also willingly let us listen in.

When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Cordy, my doctor tried to find the heartbeat and had a lot of trouble finding it. And as soon as we did hear it for a brief 2-3 seconds, it disappeared. She found it again, only to once again have it disappear. Cordy refused to be poked, and hid under my pubic bone to avoid the doppler.

That personality trait stuck with her, too. Every visit, she squirmed and tried to escape the doppler at all costs. Once, at 24 weeks, she managed to pull back towards my spine so far that my doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat (and panic set in), only to moments later have the doppler kicked forcefully off my stomach by a determined foot that didn’t appreciate its presence. I never thought personality could be set so early on, but Cordy still has that stubborn determination today.

But unlike Cordy, baby #2 has no problem letting us listen in on his/her world. I now have some hope that this child might be a little more…laid back. Not so strong-willed. Willing to go with the flow. Zen. Oh, to have a zen baby! Maybe it could teach me how to be less anxious?

And if you have a moment, be sure to pop over to visit Mom-101 and give her some support. Unlike me, she has a valid reason for some anxiety right now, and my thoughts are with her.