A Mommy Story

I’m obsessing.

I said I wouldn’t do it. When we decided to start trying for baby #2 at the beginning of August, we agreed that we’d start with a “whatever happens, happens” approach. Nothing at all like the first time.

You see, if I’m going to do something, I want it done right. Which means I obsess. When Cordy was conceived, I had spent months reading and re-reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, learning all about the signs my body gives to indicate fertility, pregnancy, etc. (By the way, I highly recommend this book!) I changed my eating habits, stopped drinking alcohol, cut down on caffeine, and tried to exercise.

I went off birth control pills three months before attempting to try for a baby. I took prenatal vitamins during those three months, and did daily charting of my basal temperature and cervical fluid as a means of birth control, and to get the hang of charting. Luckily, I am one of those women with a clockwork, 28 day cycle. I ovulate later than most, but make up for it with a shorter luteal phase (the phase between ovulating and your period). I hung out on message boards, first seeking advice on charting and conception, and then as one of the veterans, offering to help people figure out their charts.

By that November, I had my monthly cycle down to a science, and had my body prepped as much as possible for conception. It took two cycles for me to get pregnant. Easy. I did everything by the book, timed our intimate encounters just right, and got pregnant. I won. (Yes, I’m a little competitive, but like others, only with myself.)

This time around, things aren’t quite so structured. I am making every effort to not obsess about this. I’m taking prenatals, but they’re the over-the-counter ones, not prescription yet. I really haven’t changed my eating habits yet, and exercise and I still aren’t on speaking terms yet. The basal thermometer is still stored in the drawer, but my mind keeps drifting back to charting. I mentally keep track of where I am in my cycle in my head. I’ve noted other signs of ovulation.

I’m now currently in that limbo known as the “two-week wait”. I attempt to distract myself, but my mind keeps wandering back to this topic, wondering if the ache and feeling of fullness in my breasts is a sign of pregnancy or just a phantom symptom. I’m now eager to test – eager to get that double line, my trophy. I’m counting down the days until I reach the realm of possibility of getting a positive test. (For those sharing my madness, I might test as early as Saturday.)

This competition with myself is maddening. Baby-making has become a game to me, and I must win it. Am I excited to get pregnant again? Yes, I am, although this time around I’m actually much more nervous about “Are we ready for this?” than I was with the first pregnancy. With Cordy, we were pretty sure we were ready for parenting. We were also blissfully naive of how hard it was going to be. Now we’ve gone though the first two years of parenting, we’ve been in the trenches and been covered in poop more than once, and so the thought of another child has a little more weight to the decision. It’s a little more frightening this time around, remembering how hard it was with only Cordy, and wondering how I will cope with a newborn and a preschooler this time?

But for the moment most of those fears have been pushed to the back of my mind, as I obsess over winning the fertility game.