I remember talking with a friend from Australia years ago, and we were discussing interesting differences between countries. For example, when meeting someone for the first time, we often both ask, “What do you do?” For those in the US, this is generally answered by providing a job title or description of your work. He told me that if he asked anyone in his area that question during a friendly conversation, he might get an answer that included what they did for a living, but most often they would answer what they liked to do for fun.
I find it strange and somewhat disheartening that we in the US define ourselves by our employment. Especially since the modern world has opened up a wide variety of new job titles – helpdesk support, administrative assistant, aide, retail clerk, customer service rep – that often aren’t long-term careers. They might be a step on the ladder to a better career, but often they are simply a “job”.
It can be hard to define yourself by your career if your career is a telemarketer or a retail clerk. (I’m not saying people can’t find these types of jobs rewarding. But overall many people who are in these jobs would rather be doing something else.)
Aaron has lately been feeling trapped in a “job”. Yes, he has a cushy position with room for advancement working for the state and making better money than his old job. But his degree is in theatre, and he wants to eventually work in that field, either teaching or directing or something. However, a simple BFA in Theatre is not enough, and there is further training he must pursue to reach his goals, which means that for now it would be close to impossible to make a living in the performing arts field. With a family to support, he must keep the good office job, even if it is just a job.
Luckily, he is still making progress towards his goals. But as is true with many of us, that progress is not coming fast enough for him, even though there is no way to speed it up. He will get there in the end, but it will take time, and he will have to fight off the depression that constantly tries to drag him down and pull him away from doing what needs to be done in the present. That same depression tries to tell him that everything he’s doing is pointless, and he’ll never do what he wants to do.
Thinking about his situation made me wonder: how many people feel like they’re in the same situation? How many people are really where they want to be right now? Are you really happy with your job? Is what you’re doing a career or just a job? Did you see yourself doing something else when you first started out? Do you think you’ll never do what you want to do?
Are the scores of people who are depressed today (and the numbers keep growing) feeling hopeless because they see no purpose in their lives? Can they only see the current job chaining them down instead of providing them the means to keep going and hopefully one day find something that will provide them meaning?
Before the modern age, many jobs actually produced something. At the end of the day, you could go to sleep knowing you harvested 10 bushels of food to feed your family and others, or made two wagon wheels, or produced two bolts of cloth. Usually your job was important to your town or area – you were a needed link in the chain of society.
In the present day, many people go to work, and come home at the end of the day with nothing to show for it. Oh sure, they may have sat at a phone bank all day and tried to sell people supplementary life insurance. They probably got yelled at or hung up on many times, and may have even sold a few policies. But some of these people will feel no sense of accomplishment for what they did. If they weren’t doing that job, society would continue to function.
And when you look at really interesting jobs that many people want to go into, there are usually a limited number of those jobs available or they require a lot of extra training and waiting. There is a plethora of less interesting jobs, however.
As a college student advisor, I see a lot of students coming back to school because they are so miserable in their current jobs and want only to find some job to give them some meaning. They pick a new major and hope that a degree in Human Resources or Accounting or Marketing might provide the exciting job they hope for. Sadly, some of these people graduate with those degrees, go out into the world, and then are disappointed when all they can find is an administrative assistant position.
I’m curious to know how you, my readers, feel about your current situation, or your partner’s situation. Are you happy with your job, your family, your life? Are you where you want to be? If not, do you see yourself ever getting to where you want to be?
As for me, I don’t think I’m happy with my current situation, but I am at least content for the moment. My job is often frustrating and not what I wanted to do, but it does have its rewarding moments. I am going back to school for nursing, since my BA in History is doing nothing for me at the moment. Hopefully I will find nursing more rewarding.
My ideal situation would be to stay home with my children full-time until they were in school, and then go to work in nursing part-time so I could still pick them up from school most days. However, real life steps in and reminds me that we don’t have the finances to do that, so for now I must be content with working part-time. If I let it really bother me, I could end up right back on antidepressants, so I try to keep a positive outlook. At least I have the ability to be part-time, and at least my job doesn’t completely suck the life out of me.
I look forward to hearing your answers. It’s totally OK to answer that your life sucks, and at the same time, feel free to express if you’re really happy, too. I’m curious to see the entire spectrum.
Christina, you hit the nail on the head with this post. Everything you described Aaron was feeling was ringing in my ears and I nodded in agreement.
I never thought I’d be an insurance agent. I didn’t decide to do this when I was a kid. I wanted to be a teacher or an actress or a writer. But I did things backwards. Dropped out of school, got married, had a baby. I don’t regret the last two milestones in my life, but I do wish I’d have stayed on track academically.
Now as I do this “job”, I would rather do anything else. ANYTHING. But there’s nothing out there for me right now. It sucks royally.
Thank you for writing this, I’m glad I’m not alone feeling this way.
Me, I’m thrilled where I am. I had big dreams to be the next Barbara Walters but I find myself oddly blissful changing my nephew’s shitty ass, and waiting for the school bus to off load my kidlets.
My husband, however, is totally unhappy with his job. He makes a tonne of money and is the bread winner but he wants to quit and go become a teacher.
I encourage this, as he would rock as a teacher, but he isn’t ready to give up the money.
I wish he was as happy as I am.
I LOVE Office Space..Oh man.
We have been going through a turbulent time here job wise.
As a SAHM, I am always second guessing myself and wondering if I SHOULD be planning a career, etc….cept… I really like being home with the kids and was MISERABLE when working and never found something I really grooved at.
My dh is a dreamer and dreams of screen writing …movies! He has self published comic books in his past creative endeavers, but his most success was writing and running a movie news website.
It was the biggest thing ever for him to give up his day job and support us with his on line writing gig.
He became an employee again only after the advertising online dried up a bit and he was burning out with the stress.
He is coming back with his own gig again though and is re energized.
Which is good…as he was driving us nuts. He was doing a warehouse job for some extra money..but it affected him too much….made him feel like he had failed and so that ended this week.
So..I think he is ‘fairly’ happy..he is as least in the ballpark of doing what he loves.
I don’t yet know what i want to be when I grow up and kick myself at many lost opportunities in the past.
I should have been a hair dresser.
But, for now, I am happy…as long as I have my blogging outlet!
I work in the Career Management field so I know exactly what you are talking about. I love my job, my company, and everyone I work with. BUT I do not define myself as being a Director of Operations. I would define myself as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend – because that’s who I really am. What I find sad is that careers seem to be like a competition for some people. If you are happy/content with what you do for a living whether it be a cashier or a Doctor show that you are proud, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Is it too late for me to become a rock star?
But I’ve also always wanted to be a mother.
Yea, my husband’s smack in the middle of his official Mid-Life Crisis and is frustrated with where his job is (or is not) going. He’s looking for change but luckily he is only thinking about feeling better with a new car rather than a new wife–:)
Unfortunately…JUST A JOB for me. POO. I have a good paying and ok JOB I guess but it is not a career…not an attorney, teacher, dr, etc.
I am 33 and STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
on the theatre thing…I grew up in a theatre family: mom – English & Drama major (teacher now), stepdad- MFA (now theatre professor at a university, dad – business (also does about 3 plays a yr locally at a equity house and community theatre, and at his university) & drama (now a title researcher but also acts a lot on the side). All 3 of them have theatre passion…I know they wish it could be their everyday thing…it only is for my stepdad…but before about 6 yrs ago he did a little bit of EVERYTHING to get where he is now (he has even been on soap operas in the 80’s LOL)..he is now 49.
wait my last post was confusing…my STEPDAD is the one with the MFA is now at a University teaching and doing plays.
Love me some Cordy…so cute!
we think about this all the time.
before baby – i had a career. i got advancements, promotions, lots of autonomy and got to the position i wanted to be in – senior copywriter for a small, but very successful record company. Now? that same position is a job. just a job. because it no longer defines, me; is no longer my playground. I still give it my all, but only during regular hours. then i come home to assume the role that has become more important to me than any job title ever could.
I’m as high up on that ladder as i care to go for now, and that is ok with me.
eventually i’d like to be able to freelance enough to make the same pay i get now (nevermind the benefits), but that’s probably a long way off.
btw – hubby is in television, and loves his job. we are 2 of the lucky ones.
I’m feeling very lucky right now.
This is going to be a whole post for me, but … no, I am not satisfied, as you know I was fired from my job for no reason at all and that’s enough to make anyone unsatisfied. Honestly right now I am wishing that I would have gone to law school or med school just for the money I could make and how my family could be secure and my hubz could stay home with the kids and I’d never have to take them to day care. But I didn’t do that. I’m a teacher and I’ll never make that kind of money but I love my job (I guess I mean my vocation since I don’t have a job right now) more than any I’ve ever had and I’ve had a lot. Satisfied? No. Content? Not now. Fulfilled? Yeah, honestly, I am. When I’m working.
I love the work I do, but what I don’t like about my job is the fact that I won’t get to keep on doing it. What I can expect from this point on is more and more limited access to the courses I want to teach and less and less paid work until such time as I figure out a new path and jump ship.
To stay in academia I would have had to live a very different lifestyle for the past five years – a lot more research, travelling, time away from my family, etc. And while I enjoy research, there’s always that loss of meaning that you described – is it REALLY all that important to publish another book about Charles Dickens? Is it worth being away from my babies for? I’ve never quite been able to answer that question in the affirmative – hence my career stagnation.
I think that my husband is pretty happy in his job. There is a lot of room for advancement, he has many different things to do and his coworkers are ok. He was pretty unhappy at first becaue he thought that some how there was that perfoet job out there where everyone was not annoying and everything would go smoothly all the time. I had to tell him that somtimes life and work sucks. There is not a job out there that will not suck at one point in time or another.
I am mostly enjoying my job which is staying at home with my kiddos. There are times when it sucks big time and I wish I could be out of the house and working. Mostly I enjoy that I get a lot more freedom with my time and there are a lot of different things to do in a day. I would eventually like to go back to school and have more of a career. I don’t see being a stay at home mother for the rest of my life.
I am going to be anonymous for this one though if I mention I have a red stapler in my cubicle, you will know who I am.
My job is just a job. A boring stupid ass job that I drag myself to every day. I live in an expensive place and I need to make good money to just pay my rent ($950 for a teeny tiny little house in the bad part of town).
For almost 20 years, I worked in printing and never made more than $26k, but I was always really happy. I worked with nutty creative people.
Then I went back to school and studied journalism and worked at a newspaper, which I loved, loved, loved but I could not figure a way to make it on the money they wanted to pay me (around $30k to start).
So I sold out. Took a corporate job, “writing” (which means cutting and pasting) for an insurance company. It is boring as hell and I can’t figure out a way to make myself care about it. The irony is even with the good pay, I’m barely squeaking by.
Thank god for blogging. It really keeps me sane and gives me a way to be creative.
I was in a seriously deep rut a little more than 2 years ago. My job was horrible, my relationships with my friends were faltering and my marriage was suffering. My husband and I decided to take a break. I moved to NYC to see if I liked living and working there. After 4 months, my husband and I got back together but I decided to stay in NYC to finish my contract (teacher’s aide at a high school). Then I got pregnant in November (planned) but it gave me a reason to leave my job. It was starting to drain me. Luckily, I recognized it right away and got out instead of dragging my feet like I did for two years at my previous job.
I also worked teaching ASL (American Sign Language) evenings at a community center. I LOVED it. That was when I knew I found my calling and promised myself to stick with that field of work.
Moving back home, I was jobless but it was the best time of my life because of the baby. Then at 9 months pregnant, I was offered a job at a local university to teach ASL and be the ASL program coordinator. That’s what I do now and it is absolutely the BEST job I’ve ever had and I have never LOVED a job this much. Even better, I get to stay home with my baby and teach classes at night. The coordinating part, I do from home.
During my experience living in NYC, I realized that how you feel about your job can have an impact on your relationship with your spouse. The job that drained me also drained my relationship with my husband. To be content with your job can lead to contentment with your spouse and vice versa.
As for my husband, he is starting to feel stuck in his job. He talks about looking for another job but he doesn’t actively do that. My feeling is that he’s waiting for me to move up in my job so HE can stay home with our children. That’s his dream job. =P
I know in my heart that he will be moving up in his current department. It’s just a matter of time and finances for that particular department. He just has to be patient.
Overall, we are both content in our lives. I am happy with my job, my family and my life. My husband is the same although the job part could be better. I am where I want to be and know that I will move up in my job when the time is right. The most important thing to me is to be home with my baby. We were fortunate to be able to make that happen. Ok, I’ve rambled enough. This could be a post itself on my blog! =P
I love my job, I also work in a University as a Career Counselor. So I see alot of the same things you do. I like that my job is flexible enough that I can spend time with my family when needed. I have no desire to climb any career ladder. I’m content with the level of responsibility I have right now. To me this is just a job, it pays the bills and allows my kids to go to college for free. I never pictured myself in this job. I wanted something more glamerous and exciting. But those jobs (foreign news correspondent, FBI or a marine life researcher/Greenpeace activist) arent conducive to raising a family.
My husband loves his job, he is a Police Officer and that does define who he is…he is ALWAYS a police officer, its part of his identity. My job is not part of my identity. Its just what I do a few hours a day.
Great post. Sean and I talk about this all the time.
I was working in IT for the same record company as Penelope. Loved the company, was good at my job, good pay, but didn’t find enough rewarding in the work. I’m staying at home with Jane for now, finishing my undergrad in English and will probably teach once she goes to school.
Sean has a business degree and when I met him, was successfully managing a small company. He was miserable. His long-time dream was to be a firefighter, so that’s what he did. He loves it, and we’re very lucky it pays enough for me to be somewhat flaky as long as we’re careful.
i’m content i guess, i only work 24 hours a week, i can pick up as much extra as i want, or need and make pretty good money for doing it. for these reasons i can keep going back to work. i dont know if it is because i have been a nurse long enough to get it-how demanding it is, how frustrating it can be, or if my floor has just been tough lately. although at the end of the night it isn’t just me that is feeling that way. i think i have decided to stay a while longer-i carry the benefits, it’s only 24 hours, have the babysitting thing under control, when will goes to school i’m going to have to look at making changes, but he is only 17 months.
i guess i should add i love my bosses and coworkers, without them i could not keep working where i am currently!
i don’t know if all nurses have a twisted sense of humor or just us..but it certainly helps the night go by!
I have a really good job. It is flexible, fulfilling, challenging and I get to make a difference. But do I like it? Am I happy? Is this what I want to be doing. No. But I am very aware of this and hope to make some changes over the next year. Fingers crossed.
My hubby on the other hand, loves his job. He is so good at it and has really reached his stride in his career. But it does define him and that is hard for me to understand somedays why being a dad doesn’t define him more.
I found your blog this week through another, and this post struck a chord.
I’m happy where I’m at, but it’s taken some work to get there.
I always wanted to do something artsy when I grew up, but my parents encouraged me to get a degree in something more marketable. I was good at math and science, so I majored in chemical engineering. Right out of college, I got paid $60k to work for a big oil company in Houston, but I was miserable. Hubby and I socked away one of our salaries the whole time we lived there, but we were unhappy. I’ve always defined myself by the activities I do outside of work, and living in Houston I couldn’t hike or ski or backpack anymore.
It was a tough decision, but we moved back to Denver where I found another engineering job doing environmental work (my current job). The job in Denver was a lot better than the job in Houston since I at least felt like I was doing something beneficial, but it’s pretty much just a job to me. I work my 40 hours and live for my time off and the weekends.
BUT, my passion is still art, and I’ve been working toward making that a career for a couple of years now. I made a big push this year and got gallery representation for my landscapes, and I’ve been selling pretty well. I’m 7.5 months pregnant right now, and plan to quit the engineering job when the baby is born, and do the art thing part-time. I figure I’ll paint 2-3 days per week, and stay at home with the babe the rest of the time. Although I won’t be able to match my engineering salary with painting, I actually make more $/hr painting than I do engineering, so it’s perfect as a part-time gig, and it will give me the flexibility I want as a mom.
I’ve been trying to make this work for years, and it’s been stressful and it’s been hard work, but I think it’s worth it.
Christina-
Just stumbled on your blog, and stuck around for this insightful entry.
I’m a SAHM right now– having done things in a funky sort of order: a number of years as a manager, then VP in a marketing firm; a brief stint as a part-time editor for a labor union publication; full-time student (English Major); product manager for a financial publisher; and finally, a childbirth educator and Doula (after giving birth to my first child).
I’ve been very happy in each of these careers– that is, until I wasn’t.
What’s next? I’m not sure.
I do believe that the tendancy to attribute a lack of job satisfaction to a midlife crisis is (in many cases) an oversimplification.
People grow and change. What may have “felt right” at one time, might not feel right at all anymore because our life experiences have changed us. Thus, our needs have changed.
For example, I never had the desire (or I think, the necessary passion) to teach birthing classes until after I’d been pregnant and given birth myself. Yet, continuing to teach those same classes after having two miscarriages, and nearly seven years of secondary infertility became too difficult.
Of course there are also those who chose a career path based solely on it’s money-making potential (as many parents encourage them to do) or because they were simply unsure of what they really wanted. Not surprising that so many of these individuals find themselves unhappy down the road.
Sadly, my husband’s work situation sounds so very similar to your husband’s. It’s sort of like velvet handcuffs, isn’t it? The money is good, but it’s not meeting their essential needs. My husband teaches for a living (Java progamming)– loves to teach, but is tired of the computer industry. He just cannot begin to figure out how to extricate himself from it.
It’s hard too, because we have a diabetic son– which makes major job changes all the more daunting. I’m grateful for the ability to stay at home with our 3-year old, and to be here whenever my son needs me, but I do feel guilty (in light of my husband’s situation) for having that luxury, too.
Geez, I went long, didn’t I?
Sorry, but this post just got me thinking…
Great thoughts. I think because we are so strongly identified with our jobs here that being a SAHM is so difficult.
I am happy with how things are now – I’d love to be able to teach on the side or write more (for $$), however, I’ve felt very fulfilled. I know my husband has not and I know how annoying that can be.
Wonderful post … I especially liked the paragraph that begins “Before the modern age, many jobs actually produced something . . ” I think you hit on something big there. I think there is a psychological connection between work, happiness and having something to “show” for your work besides a paycheck.
There are certainly changes I would like to make. I’m one of those people with a “job” – I have no passion for it, I don’t even enjoy it all that much anymore yet there are restrictions on my time and lack of a college degree that prevent me from making any big changes. I will someday. For now I enjoy my children and I write whenever I can.
With a lot of luck, maybe I’ll be writing that novel I’ve always said I was going to write and I won’t have to have a “job” or a “career” – I’ll be an author and able to support my entire family with advance checks and royalties 🙂
My husband would finally be able to work on that antique car he’s always wanted to restore …
Right now I’m not working, but I am still having to deal with what I want to do “when I grow up”. I am back in school, but still lost!
The Hubby is in the same place Aaron is. He has 4 college degrees ranging from Animal Science, to Logistics, to Business Management, yet he works shift work for a production company. He hates it, but it’s what he has to do right now.
The sad part is that a college degree means nothing anymore. Most people won’t look at hiring you if you don’t have a degree, but then when you have it, most people want 2-5 years experience first. What are you supposed to do?
I hope that Aaron can do what he wants someday. It’s great that he’s working so hard at a job he hates in order to support you, Cordy, and the new baby. I say that’s wonderful! Go Aaron!
I have to say yes that I am doing exactly what I wanted. being home with the kids, but that doesnt define who I am.
DH is doing exactly what he wants to do, although being in the computer field and lovin it so much it pretty much who he is.
I work from home now as an almost full-time telecommuter (4 days/week). I am a editor for a web site; I started as a magazine editor. love my job, love working from home.
My husband, on the other hand, is miserable at his job and it affects his mood 24/7, which sucks. He cannot figure out what else he would rather do–I think mostly because all the careers he would really enjoy do not pay much, and he has a big need to be The Provider.
I am very happy being a stay at home mom. I’m very satisfied, even though we don’t have a lot of money because of it. I don’t even want to think about ever going back to work…I can’t imagine anything that would make me happier then being at home. My husband is a youth pastor, and this is something he has wanted to do since he was a teen. He’s also very happy in his career choice, although he’s currently un-employed…hopefully we’ll this coming Sunday about a church he interviewed at.
I’m an elementary school librarian, and while I hate getting up in the morning, I do love my job. I get to come home each day and feel that I did something to make the world a little better place for at least one child. Pays, not great, I sell books part time to augment it. I feel very lucky to have a job that nourishs my soul.
I’ve been reading your blog for some time – I enjoy your writing. My baby days are long past but you have a way with words that makes it all come back
This is a really interesting post. Right now I am a stay at home, and as much as I want to, I can’t say that I’m happy. It’s not so much that I have a problem with what I am doing right now with Sam – I like staying home with him. But I am missing the feeling that I will move on to something else once he is in school. I want to go back to work when my kids are in school and right now I”m not sure what I would do if I went back to work. I want to feel like I am working toward that goal and getting ready for that something, whatever it is. I might go back to teaching, in which case I need to go back to school myself so that I can teach in public schools, and I am also considering lactation consulting, in which case I would still need to be doing a lot of work in that direction.
OK, I’m a little late to arrive on this bandwagon since I’ve been nursing a sick 8 month old, but I have to chime in. Great post, Christina. You’ve taken the words from my last 12 years right out of my mouth.
I have been posting lately on my blog about finally landing my dream job. And now I feel a need to clarify what “the dream” actually is or was.
When I first graduated from college with a visual arts degree, I wanted to be a photographer or filmmaker. My initial dream was to be a photographer with National Geographic and travel the world. Then reality set in and I had no mentor to warm my cold feet about trying to pursue such a crazy thing. I quickly threw that dream out the window when I received my first reject letter from them after applying for a job. Upon graduating, my life quickly came to be about paying the rent, student loans, the electric bill, etc. It’s unfortunate that it ended up that way, but I have at least kept photography as my hobby all these years and I have an extensive portfolio of pictures to prove it. But I can’t help but be disappointed that I never initially pursued my real dream. I think there’s more to it psychologically than the comment space for this post will allow, but one thing I truly hope for my children is that they can try to overcome the day to day hassles of life and try to remain focused on what really matters. It’s not only now in my 30s that I realized all that really matters. Doesn’t it suck that hindsight is 20/20?
My husband likewise suffered great trauma with his career, when at 40, he decided to pursue other things outside his career in broadcast commercial production, and was hit with the hard fact that at 40, it is much too difficult to change career paths, and literally had people asking him how old he was in job interviews (no we never pursued legal action). Needless to say, he is a SAHD which is the LAST thing he ever envisioned himself as.
So recently, when I landed my “dream” job in this big, humungous corporate bank as a training officer, it was more of a personal high that I finally dug myself out of our financial trenches. And doesn’t it suck that it’s all about the money? It’s been a long road of 10 jobs in 4 different industries since I graudated 12 years ago, but I feel I’ve at least finally landed something that is more closely related to my skills and personality. So I guess to answer your question, no this is not the job that I “dreamed” of, but it’s something I’m really good at and something I really like, and it will pay the bills. But photography is my heart. I think it’s really the exceptional people who find a way to get paid for their passion.
I hate answering that “what do you do” question because I do feel “demoted” by being a mother, as though I need to answer “well, before I had kids I was a neuroscientist.”
But. I have resisted the urge.
And so, I answer truthfully: “stay at home mom, some bookkeeping and web-design from home” and hope that during the course of the conversation I can show that I didn’t lose my intelligence by becoming a mom.
(Still, if/when my former life comes up, people think I am kidding!)
I think about this stuff all the time. I don’t LOVE being a SAHM but I like it better than going to work at a shitty job where people don’t treat you with respect or you don’t get paid what you’re worth or it’s the antithesis of everything you love and care about in life etc etc etc. My biggest gripe about being at home is the social isolation. I could write one of my trademerk long-ass posts just on that alone. The huz is happier at his job but of course, he’d rather be working in music (making it and producing for others) full-time.
I found your blog on the internet (with google) and I find it interesting because I am myself a mother of one and thinking about becoming a mother of two in the future…
This post really made me think about “happiness”, something I usually brush off my mind… I am a grad student and I am doing research, I am pretty good at it but I find it boring. I am in my fifth year now and I keep telling myself I’ll finish soon (maybe in 2 years) so I stay…
Since I had the baby 3 months ago my priorities changed so working for my degree has become even more meaningless. The problem is I don’t know what to do instead, I’m not good at anything else.
Rich is teaching, he likes his job although it makes him tired, a lot of students… His dream is to become a doctor but I guess it’s getting late for that, we’ll see?!…