Many of us want to be women who can have it all. Its 2006, feminism is here and is in full swing! We can be pretty much anything we want to be! (OK, maybe not president…yet.) Women are not limited to being only stay at home mothers or having “care careers” of nursing, teaching, or secretarial work. Our horizons are broad now, and more women than ever are entering fields once thought to be dominated by men: engineering, business, science, etc. We can be married, have kids, do volunteer activities, and have a full time job at the same time.
So if I can have it all now, why do I sometimes feel like I have nothing?
This week is killing me. I just started a new half-quarter class for my nursing school requirements, and it is one of the few I can’t take online. So I’m in class four days a week, from 8:00am-12:30pm. Three of those days, I have just enough time to drive to work, where I stay until 8:00pm. Then I hurry home to deal with domestic duties, work on my school homework, deal with the insurance crap from the break-in, and maybe get some time to blog. By the time 11:00pm comes, I know I need to get to sleep, but my mind is still racing with all of the things I need to do for the next day. Eventually I drift off to sleep after midnight, only to wake at 5:00am (when Aaron wakes, even though he tries to be quiet, it often wakes me up for the day). Lather, rinse, repeat, collapse.
I hate to whine about this. After all, I’m only working a part-time job, which I know is a luxury some don’t have. There are many women out there putting in full time work, while still going to school part-time and taking care of their families. How do they do it?
The class I’m taking is only six weeks long, and after that I’ll have a little more time again. But for the moment there are three days a week when I only get to see Cordy for 30 minutes in the morning, as I take her to wherever she is spending the day. By the time I get home, she’s already in bed for the night.
It was because of scenarios like this that I quit my full time job a year ago. We had Cordy in daycare at the time, and five days a week we would have about an hour in the morning to spend time with her (while also getting ready for the day), and then an hour in the evening with her before her bedtime. Realizing that forced me even deeper into a depression that had gripped me since I was pregnant.
I’m thankful I get to spend more time with her now. But I’m still juggling all of the responsibilities I have, trying not to drop any of them, but knowing that I can’t give equal attention to everything. Eventually I’m going to lose a grip on one of them, and I’ll either drop one, or they’ll all come crashing down on me.
During times like this, I sometimes wish I didn’t have it all. Maybe life would have been easier if I was expected to be a housewife raising my children after I got married. Sure, I’d be entirely responsible for the housework, but right now I’m responsible for half of it, and my half is not doing so well at the moment.
Don’t worry, I’m not advocating a return to 1950’s Norman Rockwell America, so you can get your panties out of a bunch, Linda Hirshman. For one, I don’t think that kind of reality is viable anymore. The American economy practically demands a 2-income household today, or at the very least a large one-income household, which most people don’t have, and which many in power right now would prefer to keep that way. (Hey Congress, what about that minimum wage increase, eh?)
And I’m thankful women have all of the opportunities available to us today. We can go to school, we can be educated, and we can make the choice to work and raise a family at the same time. We can even choose to not marry and not have children! I’m thankful to be educated, and to have the freedom I do to write whatever I want and be given (hopefully) the same respect as a man. These are all Good Things, and we should be grateful to the women who came before us for carving out these freedoms for us.
But when is it all too much? What do we do when we realize we have it all, but we’re so far in over our heads that we’re drowning and there appears to be no way out? Where do we draw the line and say enough is enough – we can’t handle anymore? How do we decide what we must give up for our happiness and sanity?
The guilt I feel while writing this is tremendous. I am the modern Super Woman with family and career, and I should be ashamed for not wanting it all. I want more time to spend at the park. I want to go to Mommy & Me classes. I want time to work out and take care of myself. I want my daughter, and any other children we have, to grow up knowing that mommy can be counted on.
My mother was a Super Woman by necessity – divorced, struggling to work as much as possible to support me, torn between working extra hours and spending time with me, and often gone when I needed her the most. I don’t blame her for that, because she was making the best choices she could for us, but the thought of following in her footsteps and having to constantly choose between work and Cordy sometimes haunts me.
Just last night I told Aaron that I thought he was so much stronger of a person than me, because he can handle working full time, doing theatre in the evenings, and still make time for Cordy and me and his share of the housework. He must have more fortitude than I do. Poor man – I know he’s going to read this, and I’m sure my constant harping on this topic probably makes him feel bad, although that isn’t my intention. (The plight of men trying to have it all is an entirely different post.)
Aaron is a good provider for the family, an excellent husband and father, and probably puts up with far more from me than he should. I’m sure when we married he never imagined that once we had children I would go on an “I want to be a SAHM!” whine-fest. After all, we both planned to work, and I planned to continue my telecommuting job so I could work full time and stay home full time. But things don’t always turn out how we plan them. I can only hope that once our children are in school (or at least preschool), I will be happy to work full-time again, bring home the big bucks, and give him the freedom to quit his job to pursue his talent in theatre full-time.
In the meantime, something has to give. I just don’t know what.
Wow. Where to start. You’re doing a lot. I’m a SAHM now, also going to school and it keeps me plenty busy. Sometimes I whine about having too much on my plate.
Just try to hold on for the six weeks. If something has to give, let the housework go a little–six weeks of neglect won’t be the end of the world.
Can a family member come and help out for a few days?
All the best. Julie
My heart really breaks for you. I can understand the pull in multiple directions. Fortunately, my wife is able to be a SAHM.
Is it really that there’s no way that you can possibly be a full-time mom? Is there anything that you think you have to have in your house that you could go without for a time being while your child is still little?
I’ve found that there are usually some things that we have to have because our parents did or because the Joneses did that we don’t really need and could do without temporarily.
If not– certainly, seek help from family or friends. Your child will br grown before you know it, and your regret could change to “I wish I had taken the time instead of the job!”
Hang in there with the work at home thing if you can, because that has a great chance to make it so you can be home with your child!
That schedule is horrifying! No wonder you feel like collapsing. I’m surprised you have time to blog at all. But I know exactly what you mean. It’s awesome that we have these choices, and we haven’t had them for very long. I just wish there was some way to stay home with the kids AND have a fulfilling job.
Ugh. I don’t envy you and I’m sure it’s heartbreaking to not get to spend time with Cordy. However, try to remember it’s temporary. Right now it’s seems like SO much of your and her time, but really, 6 weeks is short and if you can get through it, chances are she will too.
And hopefully everyone will help pick up the slack.
Hang in there…as much as it sucks … there is light at the end of the tunnel …I agree with the other commenter … Get some help …can your mom, mother in law anyone that is helpful!
I can understand this completely. I have an insane schedule and mine keeps getting worse plus my husband is gone 2 weeks a month on average. It isn’t for everyone and for the most part I don’t have the choice (have to pay the mortgage) but there are many sides of me that need feeding and my son is in school full time now. (I stayed home full time until he was 15 months and then worked part time until he was 2 1/2). There are days I don’t want to be a have-it-all mom. AT ALL. And then there are days I do. Getting help is good … I get a babysitter once a week – I’d die without it. Hang in there. You are a great mom and woman.
If you feel guilty about this, what does that make me (and every other mom I know)? Seriously, I don’t know any mothers who don’t feel overwhelmed and crowded out of their own lives. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now too, and I’m a lot less forebearing than you about heaping all the blame on my poor husband (see my vent in my last post!).
I love the idea of “Sleeping with Bread” from A Severe Mary’s blog – the idea is to identify the things that nurture and console you and cling to those – and make space for them in your life, whatever that takes. I’m working on that myself right now.
(((Hugs)))
You are doing a lot of work right now and it’s tough. I know, I’m in the same boat. While I may not work outside the home and my kids are with me all day, I’m still very busy with my home busy. I get up earlier than everyone and go to bed later than everyone just to get things done.
6 weeks will go by fast. For the time being, dont worry about all the small stuff and focus on what makes you happiest.
It’s very hard. For the first year after I returned to work (full time) I was able to take one afternoon per week off to spend with my then infant son. I cherished those afternoons, and I miss them. I often wish I could be a stay at home mome. But when I realize the friends my son has made at daycare…I know that while time together is precious, his time there is precious, too. He has relationships that he likely would not have formed if it were just the two of us each day. A playgroup a couple hours per week would not allow him to form such deep friendships so early on. He adores his friends, and the things he does at school, and the special days they have (today is water day!). Other than daycare, we have only had a sitter three times so far in our son’s 26 month life. We spend every moment we can with him. Yes, he does spend over 40 hours per week at daycare. But he spends every moment possible with us, and we are doing the absolute best we can for him.
Wow! I am really feeling for you – for you and for your baby and partner. Even though I know that you will all totally be okay because 1. Six weeks isn’t forever, and 2. You so obviously care about taking care of the three of you.
I so feel where you are right now – Before I left my last job about a year ago, I said to my husband, Something’s going to break and it will either be my back or my mind, I just can’t handle all this. , So I gave a up the job which was my passion to take a part time job so that I could be home more to manage my son’s health problems. I struggled with that decision for quite a while, although I know it was the best thing for all of us.
I keep telling myself that I am making the best decisions for me and my family right now,and nothing lasts forever.
Also, I read a great book about “having it all” and the choices we mommies have to make. It’s called Perfect Madness: Mothering in the Age of Anxiety. What I liked was that the author had been a working mom and a stay at home mom, and she struggled with both. In the end, she encourages all moms to come together to make life easier on all of us. It’s not a perfect book, but it has given lots of validation to me and my friends who have read it.
(Okay, I will give you back your blog now. Sorry about the long comment).
I’m torn.
It is a wonderful thing that we, as women, have more opportunities than ever before. We have more choices to make about how we decide to divide our time. It definitely forces a person to sit back and reexamine priorities. I know I try to have my time reflect my priorities, though it is nearly impossible some days.
I think you are doing a tremendous job of balancing work, goals and family. These six weeks will be rough, but will pass. Don’t forget to rely upon your blog family for support too.
It’s hard, no doubt about it. It’s a huge part of being a parent–the push and pull, the endless rebalancing of your needs and your children’s. Just think, when you’re a nurse you will probably have an opportunity to have a family-friendly schedule while still earning good money. As a working mom, believe me, I’ve dropped a lot of balls and let a lot of things slide. But I probably would as a SAHM too–they’d just be different things.
Good luck with getting through this tough time–you can do it.
Dont’ know how you do it. however, that nursing degree will be so worth it and Cordie will respect you more for it. It’s just hard to get your “groove” in the beginning. Things will ease up.
Aaron does sound like a trooper. You scored with him. 😉
Wishing you the best.
Christina, you’re not alone when you write how you feel. I often feel the same way.
It’s just a coin toss sometimes. Our priorities are so advanced that they all seem to need to be “most important”.
I have to remember to put the big rocks in the bowl first and add the small ones later. Kind of a stupid metaphor but it almost makes sense.
I often don’t want to be an adult anymore. We can’t always pay our bills on time, we have too much debt, we have doctor bills to pay from birthing Dawson. But would I give him up? Never.
I think we all will get through it. WE just have to. Right?
You are NOT alone. I constantly battle this.
I bounce between feeling overwhelmed with the duo ALL the time, to feeling like I never see them.
They are 19 months old.. and I have yet to strike a balance.
Most likely, I will figure it out, and they will leave for college the next day.
Christina,
What you are doing IS hard..all of it. When I was in nursing school, I was in AWE of the women who went to school, worked, and had children. I couldn’t imagine it. I was young and single with minimal responsibilites, and school was still hard. I admire you.
Hmmm…besides, the choices we are given as women which you touched on can be empowering…and they can be overwhelming, never feeling like we can give 100% to anything. Just know that your hard work will pay off, and your situation is temporary. And you are not alone in this stuggle! 🙂
I felt that way many times last year, after our second son was born and before I left my full-time job. I will admit, now that I’m working from home with a very flexible schedule, that I still feel that way sometimes.
Good for you for going for your nursing degree. There will be times that you are making big sacrifices to get it done, but it will be worth it in the end.
Would you like Aviva and me walk you thru some ways to prioritize things and ditch much of your guilt? Let me know, I’ll do it in a heartbeat! We can do it on our blog or yours. You choose! : )
Thanks for sharing this in your abundant free time. I think we all feel like this sometimes, whether we’re working or not; there’s always something eating up our time in ways we wish it wouldn’t.
It sounds like you’re doing the best you can right now, today. Maybe take a bubble bath and a cup of chammomile tea before bed tonight.
Sigh.
If I were doing what you are doing, I would be not only whining, but also bitching, moaning, AND groaning. A lot.
I am so glad that your husband does his share of the domestic duties. That must help a lot.
I understand how you feel because when I juggled work, baby, and daycare, it felt like I was on a crazy treadmill. One thing I definitely gave up then was blogging. But also taking pictures and basically doing anything for myself such as getting regular haircuts. I never felt I could keep up with everything on my plate and that’s why I quit my job.
But I often feel like I failed feminism, probably thanks to Linda H. And staying home, I am no doubt the modern day equivalent to a 50s housewife. Seriously. The cooking and cleaning have fallen 100% under my list of things to do. It’s … weird.
You’re doing so much and doing it well. Your girl is happy and that is important. You’re probably just really tired. I hope things feel more hopeful after the weekend!
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I myself am pursuing nursing school, while working full time. Its hard as hell, isnt it??!! LOL.. I know it will all be MORE than worth it in the end, and some days I squint very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is an RT student and he also works full time and goes to school full time Monday – Thursday. We have 3 kids at home and there are nights where I cry myself to sleep, just out of pure frustration.
I think what makes it even harder is when you have close friends who are SAHM’s. Mainly because you have to listen to how wonderful and “Norman Rockwell” their day was. LOL..
I dont mind working,its my schedule 8-5 that is killing me right now. I have an hour commute each way, plus school. There are days my head doesnt hit the pillow until after midnight. Im not sure about where you are located, but where I live the hospitals offer a work schedule- you work 3 twelve hour days! Now to me, having 4 days off a week, makes it more than worth while! 🙂
Good luck to you!! 🙂