A Mommy Story

This post has been bouncing around in my head for days now, and I’ve had to start and stop it many times. The final version is still disjointed, but at the moment I can’t smooth it out any more, so here it is. Others have already covered the topic far more eloquently and better than I can hope to, but I still feel the need to discuss it.

At BlogHer, the mommyblogger presence could not be ignored. I’d say we made up at least half of the attendees. As others have reported, there were a few isolated scuffles between mom and non-mom bloggers (geez, I just realized how West Side Story that sounded), but overall the conference was one big love fest for all. Or, at least, that’s how I saw it, and I could have simply been blind to anything else going on.

Yes, one woman posted a rant about mommybloggers, and it was nothing more than a venom-filled rant. There was no substance, no argument to be made, and looking back I can dismiss it. Also, during the panel with Arianna Huffington, another woman stood up to ask about woman who don’t have kids or significant others, and how they can escape becoming workaholics when their work often becomes their lives. It was a valid question – I think the uneasy feeling came when she said she didn’t have children, and several women burst into applause in support of a non-mommyblogger. The sudden applause caused me some uneasiness, not the question.

But I didn’t experience any “Oh, you’re just a mommyblogger” responses when I met with people. Maybe it’s because I look like a frumpy mom, and you can tell who I am a mile away, so there are no surprises. Maybe it’s because it was obvious from the name of my blog on my nametag. I don’t know. I was never made to feel less important or less valid because I am a mommyblogger.

That’s probably a good thing, too, because anyone who tried to pull that crap with me might have received an earful back in return, especially after the final panel with Arianna Huffington.

I am a mommy, I am a blogger, and I write about my child and the experience of being a mother. So therefore I am a mommyblogger. I don’t dislike the term at all. Instead, I embrace it with a sloppy, open-mouthed, toddler-style kiss. It is a part of who I am, and without the mommy part, I might never have entered into the blogging world. When asked what my blog was about (did you not read my nametag?), I gave a big smile and said proudly, “It’s a mommyblog!” (or “Itza mummyblug!” as Cordy would say)

As I said during the Mommyblogging is a Radical Act panel, I discovered blogs when Cordy was just over a year old. I spent my first year with her feeling isolated, lonely, and confused. I guess I expected to join some secret society when I became a mom, but it wasn’t there. Most of my friends with children lived out of town, and I felt like my childless friends couldn’t understand all that I was going through. (I’m sure they could have understood it, but I felt that they wouldn’t understand.) I had to reign myself in when around our childless friends, knowing that if I talked about my daughter too much their eyes would glaze over and we would never receive a dinner invitation again.

And then there was parenting itself. No matter how many parenting books are written by the experts, there is no one definitive how-to manual, and certainly not for your particular model of baby. That’s the beauty of humans – we’re all unique, and therefore as babies we’re all a pain in the ass to our parents, because we can’t articulate what our personal preferences are. It’s one big game of charades until they can communicate, and even then, kids still don’t know what they want. It’s enough to send a mommy right for the antidepressants.

I would look at Cordelia sometimes and cry. I wanted help from someone who had been through this, and been through it less than 20 years ago. I only wanted to know I wasn’t alone – that there were others with babies who wouldn’t nap, or that it was OK to skip rice cereal and go straight to oatmeal, or having fantasies of throwing your child out the window were normal as long as you didn’t act on it.

There were message boards, and those helped somewhat. But I found that on message boards, women wanted to keep the topics light. Cute stories, easy to fix problems, etc. And with the message thread format, sometimes your voice was lost in the sea of posts.

Finding blogs helped me tremendously. I found moms (and dads) who had struggled with similar issues to mine, and I learned that blogs were a great place to share your faults and admit that this parenting thing ain’t easy. From there I carved out my space, and was so relieved to have this space to share my feelings.

Mommyblogs are the new advice manuals, but they’re so much better than expert opinions. They’re stories from the trenches – real, honest, and sometimes raw – and they are also advice manuals with a community built around them. Many moms are finding their voices through this medium. We know that motherhood as a whole is considered worthless by many, but by finding our voices perhaps we can change that belief.

The strength I have discovered in myself through my writing has been incredible, and I’ve seen that strength developing in other bloggers as well. Had you told me a few years ago that I would be going to a conference of women writers in San Jose, CA by myself, I would have laughed at you. Maybe even laughed so hard that I snorted. I would have replied, “No way. I’m too scared to fly. And besides, there’s no way I could travel alone and have to spend a weekend with a bunch of strangers, especially all women. I’d be the outcast that everyone laughed at, hiding in the back and wishing I could be as cool as all of them.”

Today I’m proud to say I sat in the front of the room, I walked up to people and started conversations, I took risks, and I even got the courage to stand up in front of a large room of mommybloggers and ask a question to the panel. Which, if you knew how fast my heart was beating, you’d know that was a pretty impressive thing. I usually don’t speak up, but I got in the face of the hotel staff and yelled at them for their screw up. I was fearless.

So yeah, I’m a mommyblogger. Blogging has provided me the opportunity to find the community of women online that I can’t find in my own neighborhood, and it has afforded me the chance to get my own thoughts out on parenting. Others have helped me, and I can only help that my voice will give strength to another mom out there. I don’t know if I’m really a writer, but I am proud of what I have accomplished with this blog, and I hope to take it even further in the future, including the next step of working on a book, and perhaps other blogs in the future.

Arianna Huffington validated my feelings about the power of mommyblogs by saying that they tackle the most primal fears of motherhood and raising children. It’s very possible that mommyblogging has helped others (not just me) to be more fearless in their parenting, and if so then that is a powerful testament to the importance of mommyblogs. It’s not just about pictures of our kids and cute anecdotes (although that is enjoyable as well), but it’s also about social change.

Thank you to the wonderful folks at BlogHer for a thought-provoking conference that has left me questioning where I’m going in my life more than ever. And that’s not a complaint – that’s a compliment of the highest order.