A Mommy Story

A few weeks ago we were invited to a BBQ in the Middle of Nowhere, OH. (OK, stop laughing, there are places in Ohio that aren’t the middle of nowhere.) The friends hosting the gathering lived about 10 minutes from a very small town, on a sprawling farm with an enormous backyard. It was a great place to host a bunch of people, have a bonfire, and cook lots of food.

Cordy was in a particularly cranky mood that day, and we weren’t sure why at first. Sure, she has plenty of days where she’s cranky just for the sake of being cranky, but this wasn’t one of those days. Like parents who learn the meanings behind different cries from their baby, we are sometimes able to tell if she’s cranky for a reason or just because it’s Tuesday.

During lunch her mood darkened even more, and she started crying while eating. Bite, chew, chew, scream!, chew, swallow, bite, chew, scream! Our warrior princess would never let a cranky spell get in the way of her mealtime, so something had to be wrong.

A quick swipe of my finger in her mouth revealed all. Her 2-year molars were just under her gums! Those rough, rocky teeth were surely the cause of her discomfort.

Cordy had probably forgotten her other teething experiences. All of her other teeth came in one big rush, between 9 and 18 months, and often 2 or 4 at a time. So naturally she had forgotten how to deal with teething.

I searched the diaper bag for something to numb the pain. Oragel? Nope. Tylenol? Nope. Motrin? Nope. Damn.

There was one other mother with a toddler there, so I asked her if she had any of the above items, but she didn’t. We both packed supplies for diaper blowouts, rashes, and other emergencies, but nothing for teething.

It was at that point that Cordy had reached her limit of tolerance with her teeth. She threw herself onto the concrete garage floor and screamed in misery. The nearest town was at least 10 minutes away, and I don’t think they had a grocery or a drugstore. I tried giving her something cold to chew on, but she swatted it away several times. We were out of luck. I frantically looked around for anything to ease Cordelia’s pain.

And that’s when I spied the bottle of Glenlivet 18 on the table nearby.

I’ve heard the stories. Scotch on a baby’s gums helps with teething pain. Some say rum instead, and others brandy, but the story is generally the same. People in my grandmother’s generation say they used it all the time with their babies. I know my mom turned out OK, despite her baby boozing days. Other friends at the gathering, who are the parents of teenagers now, said they had used the same treatment on their children as babies.

Then I thought to myself: Am I a bad mother for doing this? I’m considering giving my child scotch – am I crazy? Sure, it’s good single-malt scotch, so at least she won’t develop a taste for the bad stuff, but am I going to become a pariah for this?

I looked back and forth between the bottle of scotch and Cordy’s screaming, writhing figure on the floor for about 2.4 seconds. And then I grabbed the bottle, stuck my finger in the opening, and tipped it upside down.

Aaron held Cordy still while I put my scotch-flavored finger in her mouth and rubbed her gums. At first, she screamed even louder, but quickly she stopped and gave me the strangest look, as if to say, “WTF?” I looked back at my friends uneasily, as they peered over my shoulder to see what the results would be. I soaked my finger one more time and applied it to the other side of her mouth, with no protest this time.

It worked. She stopped crying and laid on the floor with a puzzled look on her face. I stood up and returned the bottle to the table. The other toddler mom in the crowd laughed and told me Cordy’s eyes were fixed on the bottle as I walked back to the table. A few minutes later, Cordy stood up and went back to her snacks, eating without any screaming in-between this time.

Before you go calling child protective services, please note that the amount of scotch she was given was very small. Just enough to wet my finger, honestly, and just enough to numb her gums. I’m not even sure if it worked to numb her gums, or if she was simply shocked into silence by the strange flavor I put in her mouth. Either way, it worked, so I’m not complaining. She was in pain, all other options had failed, and it was the only thing I could think of at the moment.

(For those preparing an angry response to this, you should know: this will not be a regular thing. It was a one-time use only, and now that we know she’s teething again, the infant Motrin is back in the diaper bag. We will continue to use Oragel or Motrin in the future. Besides, Glenlivet 18 is expensive stuff, and we can’t afford to keep high-end single-malt scotch around for Cordy.)