Baby’s First Scotch on the Rocks

A few weeks ago we were invited to a BBQ in the Middle of Nowhere, OH. (OK, stop laughing, there are places in Ohio that aren’t the middle of nowhere.) The friends hosting the gathering lived about 10 minutes from a very small town, on a sprawling farm with an enormous backyard. It was a great place to host a bunch of people, have a bonfire, and cook lots of food.

Cordy was in a particularly cranky mood that day, and we weren’t sure why at first. Sure, she has plenty of days where she’s cranky just for the sake of being cranky, but this wasn’t one of those days. Like parents who learn the meanings behind different cries from their baby, we are sometimes able to tell if she’s cranky for a reason or just because it’s Tuesday.

During lunch her mood darkened even more, and she started crying while eating. Bite, chew, chew, scream!, chew, swallow, bite, chew, scream! Our warrior princess would never let a cranky spell get in the way of her mealtime, so something had to be wrong.

A quick swipe of my finger in her mouth revealed all. Her 2-year molars were just under her gums! Those rough, rocky teeth were surely the cause of her discomfort.

Cordy had probably forgotten her other teething experiences. All of her other teeth came in one big rush, between 9 and 18 months, and often 2 or 4 at a time. So naturally she had forgotten how to deal with teething.

I searched the diaper bag for something to numb the pain. Oragel? Nope. Tylenol? Nope. Motrin? Nope. Damn.

There was one other mother with a toddler there, so I asked her if she had any of the above items, but she didn’t. We both packed supplies for diaper blowouts, rashes, and other emergencies, but nothing for teething.

It was at that point that Cordy had reached her limit of tolerance with her teeth. She threw herself onto the concrete garage floor and screamed in misery. The nearest town was at least 10 minutes away, and I don’t think they had a grocery or a drugstore. I tried giving her something cold to chew on, but she swatted it away several times. We were out of luck. I frantically looked around for anything to ease Cordelia’s pain.

And that’s when I spied the bottle of Glenlivet 18 on the table nearby.

I’ve heard the stories. Scotch on a baby’s gums helps with teething pain. Some say rum instead, and others brandy, but the story is generally the same. People in my grandmother’s generation say they used it all the time with their babies. I know my mom turned out OK, despite her baby boozing days. Other friends at the gathering, who are the parents of teenagers now, said they had used the same treatment on their children as babies.

Then I thought to myself: Am I a bad mother for doing this? I’m considering giving my child scotch – am I crazy? Sure, it’s good single-malt scotch, so at least she won’t develop a taste for the bad stuff, but am I going to become a pariah for this?

I looked back and forth between the bottle of scotch and Cordy’s screaming, writhing figure on the floor for about 2.4 seconds. And then I grabbed the bottle, stuck my finger in the opening, and tipped it upside down.

Aaron held Cordy still while I put my scotch-flavored finger in her mouth and rubbed her gums. At first, she screamed even louder, but quickly she stopped and gave me the strangest look, as if to say, “WTF?” I looked back at my friends uneasily, as they peered over my shoulder to see what the results would be. I soaked my finger one more time and applied it to the other side of her mouth, with no protest this time.

It worked. She stopped crying and laid on the floor with a puzzled look on her face. I stood up and returned the bottle to the table. The other toddler mom in the crowd laughed and told me Cordy’s eyes were fixed on the bottle as I walked back to the table. A few minutes later, Cordy stood up and went back to her snacks, eating without any screaming in-between this time.

Before you go calling child protective services, please note that the amount of scotch she was given was very small. Just enough to wet my finger, honestly, and just enough to numb her gums. I’m not even sure if it worked to numb her gums, or if she was simply shocked into silence by the strange flavor I put in her mouth. Either way, it worked, so I’m not complaining. She was in pain, all other options had failed, and it was the only thing I could think of at the moment.

(For those preparing an angry response to this, you should know: this will not be a regular thing. It was a one-time use only, and now that we know she’s teething again, the infant Motrin is back in the diaper bag. We will continue to use Oragel or Motrin in the future. Besides, Glenlivet 18 is expensive stuff, and we can’t afford to keep high-end single-malt scotch around for Cordy.)

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Comments

  1. Girl. Every mom over 60 is loving you right now.

    Or at least my MIL.

    🙂

  2. Wow! Nice taste for a toddler!

    I would have done the same thing. Except, maybe I would have taken a swig between dousings.

  3. Dude. I am giggling so hard right now. I knew I liked you.

    Seriously, I hope Cordy’s gums are feeling better.

  4. How dare you, you abuser! You have surely set your child on a path to alcohol abuse!

    But on the bright side, if she has a taste for Glenlivet, she will at least be a classy drunk.

    Joking. You know I love you.

  5. you do what works!! I agree with Kristi. I might have had a little sippy for myself as well.

  6. Oh, believe me, I had a good swig myself after all of that!

  7. I’m so glad to read that you did this. My husband is always telling me to try that on Squeaks…even when we have other stuff available! I have refused and still would if I had other pain-relievers around, but if I was in your situation I would probably have done the same thing. Good for you!

  8. Hey, any port in a storm! Glad it worked.

  9. Hmm, I think I might be teething RIGHT NOW. Must go buy some scotch . . .

  10. Christina, that was pure genius! I dare anyone to give you shit for making your kid feel better with a miniscule amount of hooch.

    Besides, it’s not like you gave her a swig of jagermeister.

  11. LOL..That’s not that big of deal…really…but kind of funny.
    Maybe I need to give a drop of that stuff to my tantrum throwing 2 year old. He’s teething again.

  12. she DOES have good taste… while I’ve never done it, I say good for you! think of all the people absolutely freaking out at the thought.

  13. You are NOT a bad mother.
    You are a BRILLIANT mother.
    I say if it works then you are a genius!

  14. Well just so long as it’s a single-malt scotch.

    (And hello? What’s with the moving icon that Kelly has? It’s scaring me!)

  15. an act of a true mother-whatever works in a pinch to stop your baby from hurting! i just love real mommy stories!

  16. Isn’t it frimpin’ SAD that we feel scared to admit we did the difficult but right thing for our kids? Like someone is going to call CPS on us for saying “no” in a serious voice to our kids when they want Cocoa Puffs. I’ve done the scotch thing on at least two of my kids and the first one is bona fide genius and the other a regular kid but like seven feet tall so it won’t affect growth or brains…that little swipe of sauce…anyone gives you hell for this send ’em my way…judgmental snobs…

  17. Way to improvise. That’s exactly what being a mother/parent is all about, thinking fast on your feet. I would have done the same. It’s hard to see your child in so much pain.

  18. A bad mother would have given her daughter cheap scotch – but not you. Only top shelf stuff for Cordy.

  19. Hey, like everyone said, at least she’ll develop a palate for the good stuff! LOL.

  20. That’s too freakin funny Christina. I would have done it differently, though. I would not have looked back and forth between the bottle and my screaming child, I would have tipped the bottle to my mouth and then placated the kid.

    I swear, I’m going to be a really bad toddler mom, I’ll do anything to get him to stop crying.

  21. The Flip Flop Mamma! says

    I had to read all the comments to see if anyone thought you were horrible, and frankly, Kelly’s profile pic is freakin’ me out too! I don’t see anything wrong with what you did…keep up the good motherin’!

  22. I so believe that every child needs an ounce of alchohol SOME TIME in their life. j/k

    I do , however, remember seeing various pictures of me as a child holding one form of booze or another. Look at me now!

  23. Have you sent that in to parent hacks yet??

    Seriously, I think it’s a sign of a good mother that she would sacrifice the single malt for her child.

  24. Whatever flippin’ works is my motto. I’d have done the same thing in a crisis as such. Dawson’s cutting his molars, too. The poor kid always has his fingers in his mouth and he’s had more fevers and runny noses since this has been going on. If there are angry parents out there who don’t like your judgment call, you send ’em my way. I give them a piece of my mind. I’m glad Cordelia was able to eat with no pain!

  25. At least she has good taste!

  26. I think your daughter and I will get along just fine, just fine.

  27. I always thought that was an old wives tale that probably had no truth in it. And hey, whatever works.

  28. I have done it too! The back 4 molars were coming in at the same time and it works!

    I am glad that you felt you could share, I have always wanted to say I have done that!

    Remember the movie Meet the Fockers?

  29. I pretty much only use Rum. It’s completley harmless. But I also use Hylands Homeopathic teething tablets. All natural ingredients calms and sooths most of the time depending on how much pain she’s in. And screw children protective services how much better is it to give tynol or motrin every time your child screams they could be just as bad if not more harmeful not to mention addicting to children. Rum is a more natural pain killer and was used for generations before tynol was invented. (And yes I had one child addicted to medication. She would fake being sick just to get medicine.) Also origel can be harmful as well mostly to the very young teethers. The origel does numb the gums however there have been issues about the gel going into the back of the throat and children’s throats closing up due to the medication. So to all the baby boozers out there go for it. Don’t worry about what other people think do whats best for your baby. And when in doubt research the hell out of it before you make a final desicion on your baby’s care.

  30. Just an added thought for anyone is is gun shy or concerned about rubbing a liitle bit of rum on the gums rubbing a little bit of listerine on the gums works just as well too!

  31. The scotch is probably better than the oragel and Motrin. Chemicals and food coloring not the best thing for babies.