A Mommy Story

I was never skinny to begin with.

My weight went up and down like a yo-yo, starting way back in junior high. As a child I had that tiny, cute belly of “baby fat”. As puberty hit, that little belly didn’t go away, but at least was overshadowed by hips and breasts.

In high school, I got lazy, and also became a comfort eater. I went on a weight-loss system and managed to get back into the 150’s. (I’m 5’7″ – had I only known then that 150 is a good weight to be at!)

In college, the comfort eating, combined with poor sleep habits and drinking, led me to my highest weight of 245 lbs. When I graduated college, I decided I’d had enough of being fat, and I started to work hard on my weight. Of course, being a starving grad student helped a lot (can’t eat junky fast food when you can’t afford it!), but I also took up a dance class and watched the pounds fly off. At my wedding, 5 years after I graduated college at 245 lbs., I was a very decent 170.

Despite all those changes in weight, my body stayed the same. Some parts got bigger or smaller depending on where I was in life, but there wasn’t much overall change. That little belly from my childhood was there – much larger at 245, but small and barely noticeable at 170.

Then motherhood hit. When I got pregnant, my weight had already creeped up to 190. But I kept it under control and only gained 20 pounds for my pregnancy. Wait, that’s not quite honest – being sick all the time kept it under control and I only gained 20 pounds. The picture to the right is me a week before Cordy was born. I was all baby at that point.

In the days that followed my c-section, I thought a little about my body and what changes I should expect. I figured that other than a bright new scar at my panty line, my body should bounce right back, right? After all, my weight had been much higher in years past, so this should be a breeze. And also, I was breastfeeding, which had helped friends of mine lose all kinds of weight. I wasn’t expecting 170 again right away, but I had hoped to be back to 190 soon.

Oh how wrong I was. Here I am, 21 months postpartum, still weighing what I weighed at 9 months pregnant, and my “little” belly is not so little. I see the looks from people when I’m at the playground. They chat with me, notice I have a toddler, glance at my belly, but aren’t quite sure whether or not I’m pregnant, and so choose not to ask. And thank goodness for that.

I still look 6 months pregnant. My belly, which had some tone to it before, now has nothing and just hangs there limply. My beautifully defined waist has vanished. I had braced myself for the lower belly apron that many women complain about after a c-section, but it was my upper belly that came as a shock. I try to suck in my belly as hard as possible in public, but it’s as if the belly isn’t even connected to the muscles underneath – it laughs at me and sways as I walk.

Via Blogging Baby over the weekend, I found this site: The Shape of Mother. I think I’m in love with the creator of this site. The Shape of a Mother is a blog that encourages women to send in pictures of how having a baby has physically changed them. (Go on, go have a look. I’ll wait.) Looking through the pictures of how motherhood has permanently altered the bodies of these women, I nearly cried in relief. I wasn’t alone! Other women have battle scars of pregnancy, and not just stretch marks!

I don’t have a lot of close mommy friends, so I don’t have a lot of reference as to how a body changes after pregnancy. My best mommy friend was one of the exceptions: after two children, she’s now two sizes smaller than she was before having children. I’m very happy for her, although insanely jealous at the same time. (Judith, if you’re reading this – I really do love and admire you!) The only other before-after pregnancy pictures I’ve seen were of actresses and models, who, as we all know, aren’t really human, or at least have enough money to schedule their tummy tucks during their c-sections.

But this new blog puts it out there in all its un-Photoshop’d glory. I want to thank these women for showing me that I’m perfectly normal, and for having the courage to put parts of themselves that aren’t often shown on the internet for all to see. And while I am still uncomfortable with my belly, at least I know I’m not alone. Although I will probably be wearing my Higher Power Spanx at Blogher every. single. day.

What about you? How has motherhood changed you physically?